I take a pull from my cigarette in my hand
I try to calm myself – calm the shaking I feel
That is caused from my pain, my sin, my nightmares
I hear a sound – Teru is running up to me, looking happy
Her smiling face relaxes me more than nicotine
I put my hat on her head – get to work, idiot
As she works, she speaks. I let her words soothe me
She speaks about Daisy – about me, unknowingly
How she loves him…if only she knew him and I are the same
But then she would know of my sin, my shame
And loathe me for the death of her brother
Suddenly she stops talking and looks at me
I stare at her from the corner of my eye, not letting her know I can see her
Her eyes and smile soften while she looks at my face
A piece of hair dangles in the middle of her lovely face
I imagine pulling it behind her ear and grasping her face in my hands
Bringing it closer to mine and kissing her gentle lips…
I jerk my mind away from my next thought, coughing
I turn to her with a twisted, bitter grin. I say to Teru,
"What are you doing? Get back to work, servant."
Her face goes dark when she is upset – like now
Her reply is so common now. "Go bald."
I wish I could have kept the soft look on her face
I wish I didn't have to lie and be cruel
All I want is for her to want to be with me – despite my sin
I want her to want to kiss my lips and to find them gentle