Biggest Regret :)

Just a little one shot, I've probably wrote similar recently...just missing Brendan Brady I guess.

Anyway I hope you like it xxx

You try not to think about him and how his hand would fit perfectly in yours. You try your hardest not to let your mind wonder to happier times, times when he was in your arms, times that seemed too perfect to be real. Times you know that you'll never have again. You think that you've forgotten what he smells like, that was until yesterday when you had a shower and an inmate smelt of the same fruity shower gel that he used to smell of. You inhale deeply and you remember his smell. You remember all of his smells and you miss him even more.

You try your best to ignore the gut wrenching pain that's been with you since you left him that day, but it's hard to ignore when it hurts you so much. You wonder if he feels the same. You feel nothing but emptiness now, your life has no sincerity or meaning. You now know what it's like to be dead on the inside and it's heart breaking when all you want to do is live again. You plod along in your own little way, but it's not living, it's existing and on your bad days, your worst days, you just want to die.

You've thought about killing yourself, you've even been close a few times, but you think about him and how he would feel and it makes you think twice. You hate admitting it, but you still cling on to the glimmer of hope you have that maybe someday he will write to you and want to see you. You know that you wouldn't deny him this time, only now he never writes. It's ironic really. You wish that you would've let him visit you from the start. You regret every bad decision you've made.

You reminisce all the time; memories of him plague your mind like an incurable mental illness that becomes part of you. You're full of self-pity, but you only have yourself to blame. You feel like you're being punished for all the times you treated him badly and maybe you are. Bad things happen to bad people. You thought you could handle a life without him, but you were wrong. He always was your reason for breathing and eventually you think that you'll die from a broken heart. You wonder if his heart is still broken or if it's now beating for someone else.

You try not to think of him with anyone else, it's hard enough just to be without him. Although you're not stupid, who wouldn't want a piece of him? He is mouth-wateringly beautiful, perfect in every way. There isn't a part of him that you haven't explored and you hope that no one else has brought him to his knees the way you have. For you no one has made you feel the way he does; you know no one else ever could. You know that you will never be with another man and now you don't even look.

You wish you could be lying beside him, lost in the feeling and wrapped up in everything that he is and you hate knowing that you'll never get to hold him again. Sometimes you wish you could forget him, but you can't. You hate living the same day repeatedly over and over, but you know this is how it's going to be forever now because you know that you will always love him, regardless of how much time comes to pass. He is part of you indefinitely, like a growth on your skin and you know that leaving him will always be your biggest regret.

Thanks for reading.

Please review xx xx xx