Disclaimer: Any and all copyrighted material that appears in this story is the property of its creator. I'm just borrowing it for the moment. I'm not making a dime. "The Fan" and all its offshoots belong to M E Wofford & USAFChief. I'm using them with their kind permission.
Author's Note: Like a lot of my ideas, this one came to me in work. As you can guess it's not too difficult, the job I do. It's mostly walking and sitting. Any way I wanted to try another Crack!fic. The last one I did with malice aforethought, trying to prove a point. I played this one strictly for laughs. I make some references to the previous "Fan" stories, so you may want to read them first. I'll list them in the spoilers section. If you like this one I have a follow up half formed in my brain. I'll see how it goes. So sit back and enjoy.
Spoilers (in chronological order): Fear the Fan, The Broken Hearted Fan Gets Snippy, The Fan Needs a Rescue, Tony Brings Dinner.
Dedication: This one's for USAFChief. If the Chief can stretch out and do comedy, I guess I can too. Like the Rangers, he "Led the Way."
Parking Lot, NCIS HQ. Present day. Thrusday 1900hrs
Senior Field Agent Anthony DiNozzo was tired. The team had been working on a homicide for 72 hours straight. They'd finally cracked it and finished the paperwork. Now it was time to go home and sleep.
As he approached his car, Tony saw someone leaning on the passenger side front fender. He slowed and sized up the person. Older white male, short, stocky, glasses and a mustache. The guy was wearing a battered looking brown leather flight jacket, faded jeans, black Chuck Taylors and a NY Jets cap. As Tony got closer he zipped down his jacket. This caused the man to stop sipping from a large container of coffee and smirk slightly.
"Evening Special Agent DiNozzo."
"Do I know you?"
"No, but we have an acquaintance in common."
"Who might that be?"
"I think you may know her by 'Snippy'. Carries a red leather bullwhip?"
Unbidden the vision of a tall woman with a cap of white hair dressed in a red corset, spurred red boots and carrying a red bullwhip hit Tony. He unconsciously slid his right hand into his jacket.
The man in front of him growled.
"Pull that roscoe and I'll take it away from ya and stick it where the sun don't shine."
While speaking the man had pushed off Tony's car, placing the cup on the hood. He slid his left foot forward and raised his hands.
"I'm here to help you DiNozzo. Pulling a weapon on me isn't very nice."
Tony removed his hand from inside his jacket. The man relaxed, picked up his cup and resumed his place leaning against Tony's car.
"Help me how?"
"Gonna help you get Snippy off your case."
"Why?'
"'Cause it's not really your fault that you and Ziva haven't gotten together."
"Whose fault is it?"
"The writers."
Tony groaned.
"Again with the writers. There are no writers. What's your name anyway?"
"You can call me LT."
Tony started laughing.
"You're Laverne?"
"Who the hell is Laverne, DiNozzo?"
"A month or two ago this private eye named LT Spenser called NCIS looking for a missing woman. He said the "L" stood for Laverne."
LT looked skyward, shook his head and murmured.
"Oh, my achin' back. I'm gonna kill him the next time I see him."
DiNozzo looked puzzled.
"Never mind Tony. Okay, I assume you'd like to get Snippy off your back and maybe have a relationship with Ziva, correct?"
"Well yeah LT, but the last time I wound up with half my body hair shaved off."
LT started laughing hard.
"Yeah, that was kinda funny."
"I didn't think so."
"Sorry Tony. What if you and Ziva could get away for a long weekend? Do you think you could get some TIVA action going?"
DiNozzo looked thoughtful.
"No pressure, no psycho women with bullwhips popping out of the woodwork?"
"Yeah, Tony, like that."
"Sure, I'll give it a shot."
LT's glance flicked over Tony's shoulder and he smiled.
"Evening Agent David. A pleasure to meet you in person finally."
Ziva David walked up and stood next to her partner, nodding a greeting.
"Give what a shot Tony?"
Tony explained. Ziva started smiling and looking around.
"Is Snippy here?"
LT shrugged.
"No, I'm acting sort of in her behalf, but she's not here. So, what do you say guys?"
Both nodded in the affirmative.
"Great. Here's the deal. I have a condo in Ft Myers Florida. You get the use of it for a long weekend. Uninterrupted. TIVA happens and thousands if not a million or so women will be happy."
One in particular, thank God.
Tony looked confused.
"But how will they know?"
LT sighed.
"Okay DiNozzo, I'll explain it in terms you can understand. Think 'The Truman Show'."
"You mean that movie with Jim Carey?"
"Exactly."
"Still think it's kinda strange.'
"Trust me, DiNozzo, you have no idea."
LT pulled several envelopes out of his flight jacket. He handed them to Tony.
"That first one has the keys to the condo and directions from the airport. Number two has your plane tickets. Flight from Dulles to Ft. Myers. Leaves at 2230. Number three has your rent-a-car. Red Mustang convertible."
Tony grinned.
"Oh, man, it's cruisin' time."
Ziva frowned.
"Gibbs will never give us the time off."
LT smiled.
"You leave Special Agent Gibbs to me. I've got somebody talking to him right now. You guys have 'go' bags in your POV's (Personally Owned Vehicle) right?"
Both Tony and Ziva nodded.
"Well, go grab 'em and head out. I'll call Ziva's cell when Gibbs gives the okay."
Now it was Tony's turn to frown.
"Hey! How did you get Ziva's number?"
"Relax Tony. I got it from Snippy."
Ziva smirked.
"I'll drive Tony. We'll get there quicker."
"Aw c'mon Zi. I wanna drive."
They continued to debate the driving issue as Tony grabbed his bag and followed Ziva towards her car.
After a few more back and forth's they got into Ziva's car and roared off.
LT got out his cell and speed dialed a number.
"Chief? They're on the way. Were you able to get a seat on their flight? Good. By the way, you and I are gonna hafta have a conversation about 'Laverne' sometime soon. Yeah, DiNozzo spilled that. See ya soon bro."
As soon as LT snapped his phone shut, it started ringing. He checked the screen and grinned.
"Hey Mike. What news? He went for it? Outstanding! I owe ya one. Give Camilla a kiss for me. See ya."
As LT snapped his phone shut, he walked across the aisle and two cars down.
"Come on out here, M E."
Two women emerged from the nondescript sedan. Both were wearing trench coats. The driver, tall with a white cap of hair looked sheepish. The passenger, shorter with shoulder length dark curly hair was smiling.
"What's the matter with you M E? If DiNozzo had seen you it would have blown the whole deal. Nice catsuit, elm."
Elm's trench coat had fallen open revealing the catsuit.
"Thank you, LT. I tried to keep her away, but M E just wanted to make sure it all went smoothly."
Wish I could place that accent.
"That's right Seamus, just watching your six."
"Pull the other one M E. You were hopin' for one more chance to terrorize DiNozzo."
M E grinned.
"Maybe, maybe not. Doesn't matter. Are they on their way to Florida?"
"Yup. Mike convinced Gibbs to give 'em a long weekend. I was just about to call Ziva."
LT snapped open his phone and dialed, putting the phone on speaker.
"David"
"Ziva, you're not driving are you?"
"No, we're stopped, stuck in traffic."
"Good news. Gibbs Ok'd your time off. Keep DiNozzo in line."
"Oh, I will. I still have my 'Whitey' clothes. 'Bye LT."
Ziva broke the connection. LT glared at M E who was looking everywhere but at LT.
"Damn it M E. You tipped her off, didn't you?"
"DiNozzo never tumbled. No harm, no foul."
"I oughta put you over my knee."
M E grinned wickedly.
"Ooooh Seamus, how did you know?"
"Christ, M E, stop it. You really coulda blown your shot at TIVA here. You promised to give me a free hand."
"I know LT. I'll stop."
M E batted her eyes rapidly. LT laughed.
"Sure you will. I wonder where my ride is. I need to get to Reagan National."
In the distance the growl of a high performance engine could be heard. Shortly, a green '68 Ford Mustang Fastback zoomed into view. It broke hard, spun around and slid backwards to stop next to LT. The female driver, with brownish red hair and hazel eyes looked up at LT and grinned.
"What a bitchin' ride. Ready to go LT?"
"You bet, Bama. I see you watched 'Bullitt'."
The woman grinned again.
"Oh, yeah. That car chase was sooo cool."
LT walked around to the passenger side of the Mustang and looked over the roof at M E and elm.
"I'm heading down to Florida to oversee the endgame. M E, I don't expect to see you. Stay home and recondition your bullwhip or something."
M E smiled and saluted left handed.
"Whatever you say Seamus me darlin'."
LT rolled his eyes and sighed heavily, sliding into the passenger seat of the Mustang.
"Why do I bother. Get me outta here Bama."
"Aye, Aye LT."
With that the Mustang's wheels spun until they gained traction and the fastback left like a cat shot in the ass.
Only then did M E show elm the crossed fingers on her right hand.
"To the airport, elm. We have to get a flight to Ft. Myers."
TBC…???
A/N: There it is. If you think I should continue, include that in your review when you hit that green and white button.