She sat down in her worn-out sofa with the bottle of Vodka. Why did she even think for a second that Richard Castle actually liked her! And that it wasn't just for sleeping with her, but to be with her!
She had dumped Tom Demming for him! Or, not just because of him. Tom was a great guy, just not what she wanted at the moment… she wanted Castle!
She could feel tears press in her eyes. She was hurt.
She actually thought she had had a chance to fix things between them before he went off for the summer. Had she only been five minutes earlier, she would have managed to say it, for then being completely humiliated by the "ex-wife". But instead she didn't get to say what she had figured out the night before after Esposito had told her why Castle was leaving. She had thought she had true feelings for Demming, but she was proved wrong.
She felt so vulnerable when Richard said he was leaving. He had all he needed.
She felt disappointed looking at the empty chair standing in front of her desk. Where his sometimes annoying personality was placed, day in and day out.
She took another long slurp from the bottle. The liquid burned down her throat.
She looked over at the table. There was the rough-exemplar of the book he had written. 'Heat Wave'. She had started reading it as fast as she had gotten the chance to. And she always came to think if this was how it felt for him. The constant tension between them. Everyone knew it. Everybody had noticed how they often got too close when they talked, the innocent flirting and not to forget, the stolen glances from time to other.
When she had read the book, it was like being on a crime scene, like always. She knew he had explained it all like it was them. Even the whole sex-scene! She felt like it had been them doing it! The whole thing! Nikki Heat wasn't just based on Kate, it was Kate! And she had done some re-search, and the man's last name comes from the chess piece Rook which is also known as the Castle! So it wasn't just all random! It was almost like an imaginary-journal! She knew it all sounded lame, but that was how it was! At least that was how her half-drunken mind had seen it.
She took the bottle to her mouth again. She didn't need guys! She and Will had had a nice time dating, but that ended badly, Tom wasn't what she wanted, and now they had broken up, and Castle breaks her heart without even knowing! She constantly self-destructed her relationships so she wouldn't get hurt, but in general she just hurt herself worse in the long run!
She folded her legs up under her, resting the bottle at her knee. She wanted him so bad! How could it all get to this! She thought she had shield herself against all those things. When she had first interrogated Richard Castle a year ago, she had used all her powers to pretend she wasn't crazy for him! He was a cocky, self loving person who wasn't what she needed. But then she had gotten to know him! Pretending she couldn't stand him, trying not to laugh at his jokes, trying not to seem at all fascinated by his theories, when she was just falling for him all over again! And harder for him!
Kate always had this jealous feeling inside of her every time she read a magazine, seeing him on the cover with some hot chick.
And suddenly for the first time since she had lost her mother, she felt alone. All by herself. Left here on the earth to find a way to deal with everyday shit, and coping with the challenges of the day.
"Is this how it feels to be in love?" she whispered quietly to herself, almost afraid of anyone hearing her.
She dried a tear that fell from her eye. "I should have a dog! Everyone say they are so unselfish! Always there for you! Happy to see you, that's just what I would need when I get home from work!" Her voice sounded frustrated. And she was frustrated!
Just as she was thinking about a dog that would suit her, her phone started ringing. "Be-Beckett!" She blurred. Her head started aching when she remembered the life at work.
"Hey Kate, its Montgomery! I was just wondering, are you busy?"
She rested her head against the back of the sofa. Now she felt even more frustrated!
"I really need a break! I've been working 24/7 the last weeks, and I could need a day off!" She left out the part where she was partly drunk as well.
"I know, and I understand! And by the way, are you okay? The past few days have been rough on you,-" Before he got to finish, she interrupted him.
"I'm okay! Don't worry about me! I just need these two days off! I already scheduled this for over a month ago! I need to sleep off and just get some time off!" he agreed, and they said their goodbyes.
Now she felt she could picture herself in Richard's situation when she had been with Tom, and he had interrupted them kissing, etc.
She held the phone in her hand. She unlocked it and looked at the clock. It showed nearly 1 a.m. Now Rick and Gina Cowell were probably busy in so many ways, and her heart sank in her chest.
This was how it would be for the rest of her life! She would get laid now and then, nothing special, but live her life alone with her imaginary dog! Sitting on her worn-out sofa every time she had a day off, thinking about how her life could have been if she hadn't been how she was! But she couldn't do anything with her problems with opening up to everyone! She had told him that.
Her heart broke in pieces when that fake bimbo came and interrupted them. When she saw them hold around each other, she just wanted to cry.
Why couldn't life just for once be easy for her!
Before the death of her mother, she had had the best life anyone could imagine! Constantly dating, hanging with friends, and all of that! But once the murder happened, everything changed. She felt she couldn't trust anyone, and didn't want to let people know her past like that, pitying her.
Once again she took another sip from the bottle with vodka. "I really do need a dog!"
She couldn't remember when she had gotten to bed. All she knew was that she wasn't ready to wake up when her phone was ringing at the nightstand next to her. At least she had made it to the bed, she thought.
She let it go to voicemail, and drifted back to her perfect dreams where nothing could harm her.
She woke once again by the ringing of her phone. But this time she reached a tired hand and grabbed the phone. "Whaat!" she groaned down the phone.
"Have you never learned not to answer the phone with 'what!'" a voice came from the other side. She quickly sat up. "Castle!" her heart almost burst out of her heart, and then sank again when she recalled the other day.
"Did you just wake up?" he sounded a little worried. She felt anger rush through her. "Yes! Why? What time is it!" she looked out the window across the bedroom. It was full sun.
"It's 3 P.M! I've been trying to reach you since yesterday morning! What the hell have you been up to since then!"
"What! It's already gone a whole day! I slept away an entire day!"
"Wow, you must have been tired! I was so worried!" he chuckled lightly.
She let her head fall carefully back against the wall.
Her body was shaking and tears were running uncontrollably down her face.
"Kate! Are you there!" Castle had raised his voice.
"You know what Rick? You can just go to hell! Why the heck can't you just let me suffer my pain alone! In silence without having to listen to you who apparently doesn't get anything! Enjoy the summer with your ex-wife, alright!" And with that she hung up. She didn't know what went over her, but she knew she was mad at him.
She had 27 unanswered calls. 26 from Castle, one from Lanie.
She listened to the voicemails.
1.
Hey Kate! It's Castle! I felt that we left it a little hanging there in the air, and can we talk?
2.
Kate! You haven't answered any of my calls, and I really wanna talk with you! Can you call me back?
3.
Kate Beckett! Where are you! Are you avoiding me? Call me!
They continued to 20, before Lanie had left a voice mail:
Hey Kate-sweetie! How are you hanging in there? Yesterday was rough, I noticed. I'm so sorry, hon! Castle is a shitbag anyway! Why the hell does he go back to that fake Blondie anyways!
Just call me once you hear this, alright? Bye!
And then the rest were all worried messages. She deleted them all. She couldn't handle talking to anyone yet.
Castle left another message telling he was so sorry, although he wasn't sure what was going on. He still wanted to get things sorted out, if they could meet. And again Kate ignored it.
What was going off her lately! She had never been like this before!
Tomorrow she would have to go back to work again, acting like everything is perfectly fine, and that she wouldn't mind Castle missing. She dried her tears once again, and went into the shower.
Once she was dressed and ready to go down on the café next to her apartment building, it rang on the door. She took a deep breath before opening.
And there, in front of her, looking perfect as always was Richard Castle.
She felt just like closing the door, but couldn't get herself to do it.
This all reminded her of the cliché break-ups. "Castle, I thought your girlfriend was gonna lay on top of you while you finished the new book?" She didn't smile. She tried not to show any emotions at all.
"First of all, she ain't my girlfriend. I quickly remembered why we got divorced. And second of all, once I remembered, I finished the book quicker than ever! Just have some final details left."
He smiled without joy.
"Good for you, now why are you here?" she rubbed her forehead.
"I was worried, you seemed so upset when I left that day, and you have just been sleeping past an entire day! And you sounded a 'little' angry at the phone,"
"Honestly Castle? You have no right to worry about me! I am perfectly fine without you constantly screwing with my mind," she looked away for a second trying to
hide the tears that threatened to fall, "Can you please make up your mind? One day you wanna be with me, next day you have some fake girl clanging at your arm! Do you know how offending this feels! I deserve someone who wants me, and not to be confused by some player who don't want me, but my body! And if that's how you are gonna continue, I will get you transferred to someone else after summer, and I will never see you again! You understand me!"
"I'm sorry for how I've been acting with you; it's just that I really like you! And it scares me, I think! I can't handle this, so I push you away every time we get too close,"
She slapped him across the face. An act of disbelief. "You think! You are not supposed to think, you are supposed to know! I don't want to be led on to something that's not supposed to be anything!" the frustration from earlier came rushing to the surface, as she sank down against the cornered wall in the hallway.
He sat down on the opposite side, and closed the door.
The hallway wasn't very big, so they sat pretty close to each other.
"I liked to think that Heat Wave was about us, it reflected us. The constant flirting, ending in a heated sex scene. We haven't gotten there yet, but I wrote as if it was us. My imagination of us. As a pair in the ending. I don't like separating from you, so I wrote the next book about us getting closer," he leaned closer to her. She didn't move. Just looked straight down in the floor.
"I'm sorry I'm giving you mixed signs, but the real sign is that I really like you!" he leaned even closer, placing a hand under her chin, tilting her head up so he was looking into her brown eyes that was filled with tears. Unspoken thoughts.
Her lips shaking as if trying to form words.
"I don't want to be alone, but I don't feel like I know you like I thought I did! Please don't get me wrong, cause I won't let this go," she gasped for air. This was all so different for her. Usually she was all about work, hardly ever letting her guard down. But with him she was a completely different person.
"I will never let this go," He assured her.
He kissed her deeply. Their first shared kiss.