Spectre Celebrations

It had been touch and go, but Joker had got them back into the Citadel docking bay just in the nick of time. The Normandy's crew streamed out of the ship in their crisp Alliance uniforms and moved quickly towards the Wards to witness the spectacle of one of their own being inducted into the Spectres. True to form, Udina and the council had opted to "give the people a celebration" and now, all over the station, faces were turned towards the media consoles in preparation of viewing the ceremony.

Most of the Normandy crew headed to Purgatory, but Shepard and her core unit headed straight to the Presidium and the citadel tower. Her own appointment three years prior had caught almost everyone- including herself- by surprise. There hadn't been time to plan or to even really celebrate but now, with all that had been happening, people needed something to cling to.

By the time Shepard arrived at the citadel tower, most of the balconies were full. Wrex proved to be an excellent ally though, barreling his way through the crowd to the balcony edge. Garrus, Liara and Tali followed close on her heels as she shadowed the huge krogan.

Shepard looked down over the pinkish glowing trees to the platform that reached out towards the council and she instantly recognized him. How could she not? His dark hair, the shape of his shoulders, the narrow hips - his bearing was as familiar to her as her own reflection. He looked dashing in his Alliance blues, his posture upright, proud and confident. He had really matured in the three years since their time on the SR1 went down and she was filled with a surge of pride for him. Pride in his achievements, pride that he was Alliance, pride that she had worked with him to take down Saren. Along with Garrus, he had been with her every step of the way in taking down the rouge Spectre.

She remembered their first mission on Eden Prime; loosing Jenkins and finding Ashley. She remembered the look in his eyes when she woke up after the beacon and their quiet conversations at his station. She remembered fighting alongside him against the Geth, admiring the way his biotics flared and being buoyed by his calm, quiet strength when it all seemed too much. She remembered Virmire, and having to choose between him and Ash. She remembered the night before Ilos, when he had surprised her in her cabin and they had lost themselves in each other, saying with their bodies the words their mouths couldn't say. Those stolen hours that night had become her most precious memories, it was the most exquisite night of her life.

And then she died.

As she watched him step forward and lift his face to the council, she was filled with something else too. That tightness in her chest, that dull longing ache deep inside she tried so hard to ignore. He didn't belong to her anymore; he had made that clear on Horizon. She had let him go.

The smile slipped from her face and she finally acknowledged the emotion surging through her and the ache in her heart twisted painfully. She acknowledged it, and then valiantly tried to shove it aside to focus on the events at hand in the cool dispassionate manner she was so renowned for.

The same words that had been used for her own induction rang out across the cavernous space and she was fiercely relieved they had made it to be there for Kaidan like he had been for her. Whatever their relationship was now, she knew he still cared and that their friendship was important to both of them.

It was over surprisingly quickly and when the ceremony concluded, the audience started to cheer. On the ground floor, she spotted a group of Alliance soldiers let out a huge whoop and throw their berets into the air as Kaidan turned around to face them and accept their warm congratulations. The Alliance soldiers broke rank and surged up the stairs and then her vision of him was lost in the crowd.

"Well, Spectre Alenko, huh. I could have seen that one coming, you know," Garrus rumbled by her side.

"Oh, did you now?" Shepard chuckled and glanced up at her turian companion. Garrus's mandibles twitched.

"Of course I did. He was the only one who spent as much time tinkering at his post on the SR1 as I do with the Normandy's guns."

"And the last three years had nothing to do with his recommendation?"

"Well, perhaps a little bit."

Shepard turned away from the balcony and made her way downstairs, weaving her way silently through the noisy crowd. A few curious glances were thrown her way but for the most part, she was ignored. She had completely lost sight of Kaidan and the rest of her crew in the crowd but having forty eight hours of shore leave granted meant that they were free to do as they wanted for the time being. She was about to take the stairs to the lower levels and escape back to the Normandy when an unwelcomed voice called her name from behind her. Fighting back a grimace and schooling her face into a smooth mask, she turned and regarded the human councilor before her.

"Councilor Udina," she greeted him cordially, with a slight incline of her head. She didn't like the man, never had but she was determined to be civil. He was the one who gave Kaidan his recommendation for his title of Spectre after all.

"I expect we will see you tonight, Commander Shepard."

Shepard frowned and shook her head, confusion marring her smooth features. "Tonight?" she asked.

Udina placed his hands behind his back and rocked back on his heels. "The party for Major Alenko, Commander. The council and all the leaders of the galaxy will be there. And so will you."

Shepard had to actually concentrate on preventing her mouth dropping open in shock. "You can't be serious," she said, her voice icy.

"You're a Spectre tonight, Shepard. Don't wear your Alliance uniform. We need you to be a tool of the Council, distance ourselves from the Alliance. We have to keep the council happy. Tonight is not about humanity, it's about unity with the galaxy. Your crew may be in alliance garb but you are here as a Spectre."

"This is ridiculous. People out there are dying and you want me dress up and play nice?"

"Remember what Anderson said, do whatever you have to do to enlist the councils help. You would think that a social engagement would be one of the easier things you have to do, Shepard."

She frowned in annoyance. Frankly she'd rather stare down a harvester on foot than get caught up in the political intrigue of the Presidium. That was not her specialty but Anderson's voice rang in her ears.

Do whatever you have to. So make them listen.

"This is a formal event, Shepard. Dress accordingly."

The councilor spun on his heel and strode away before she had the chance to answer him. A surge of annoyance flared and she clenched a fist. How on earth was she supposed to get out of this one?

The Spectre appointment celebration was every bit as glamorous as Kaidan dreaded it would be. It felt so wrong to indulge in this kind of excess with the Reaper's knocking on their door. Not to mention the carnage that already smothered Earth. Every moment that they played happy families, without a care in the world, people on his home planet, on Palavan and on countless others, were dying. But it was expected of him, as a newly appointed Spectre, to plant a smile on his face and play nice for the council.

Not for the first time, he wished Shepard was here but although he had looked for her in the glittering crowd, he didn't find her. A familiar face would have been welcome during this farce but he knew it would be foolish to expect her there. It was enough she had made it to the ceremony, he tried to tell himself, remembering the faint glimpse he caught of her on the balcony overhead. She would no doubt be already off on another mission by this time though. He realized he missed her. The time they had spent quietly talking in the hospital had quickly become the light of his days. He waited anxiously for every visit like a love sick puppy. He supposed he should feel embarrassed but how else was he supposed to act when the woman he loved came back from the dead.

"Major Alenko," a soft voice behind him made him turn. Doctor Michel smiled and stepped forward to place a quick kiss on his cheek, catching him by surprise.

"Doctor Michel! It's, ah. It's good to see you," he stammered, feeling instantly uncomfortable. He hadn't seen her since their ill-fated date about twelve months after Shepard's death. He had been surprised to receive the message from her but went along with it at the insistence his friends. The date had been awkward and uncomfortable. She made no secret of her desire to pursue things with him, and he sat there wishing the floor would swallow him whole so he could escape. He was a fool to think anyone else could replace Shepard.

"I wanted to offer my congratulations," she smiled, the faint accent in her voice slightly thicker than normal. Kaidan glanced at the delicate glass in her hand and supposed he had the bubbling drink to that for that. He shifted uncomfortably on one foot and tried to smile.

"Thank you," he said eventually, inwardly cursing himself for what he believed to be a lame response. He wasn't sure how to interact with her without giving her the wrong impression and he glanced away awkwardly, hoping someone would come along to save him from having to make small talk. There was nothing he had against Dr. Michel, she was attractive and quite pretty out of her usual medical uniform. The dress she had on tonight showed off her trim figure but still he felt nothing but a mild affection.

She continued to watch him expectantly and he cast around in his mind for a safe topic of conversation. When Udina's voice called out over the crowd and the room hushed, he breathed out a sigh of relief and gave Dr. Michael an apologetic smile.

Too late he realized he had jumped out of the pan and into the fire as he made his way to Udina's side and all eyes locked on him. He should have been used to it by now.

He stood stiffly as the colourful crowd lifted drinks and toasted him. He smiled tightly, trying to be pleased they were having such a good time. At least they were finding some happiness in these dark times, even if it felt fake and reeked of a certain kind of desperation. He glanced around the room, searching for an escape route from the press of people, from being the centre of attention. His head was starting to hurt. A dull throbbing started at his temple, and each shout, and slap on the back made it steadily worse.

As he walked through the crowds, he was congratulated- A hovering bot followed him, offering refreshments. He took one and lifted the glass to his lips, sipping the cool sparkling liquid as he surveyed his surroundings, his eyes searching for an escape route. Through the crowd, a lone figure caught his eye on an overhead balcony, half a level above the crowded room.

Shepard, dressed in a smooth black dress with an intricate silver necklace that lay at the base of her throat, leaned one hip on the balcony railing as she sipped her from her glass and watched over the revelers below. It was clear she was deep in thought, her face pensive and her eyes clouded.

Making his decision, Kaidan disposed of his empty glass and made his way over towards the steps. He was stopped twice by well-wishers but managed to disengage himself from their attentions, his focus only on the woman who haunted his dreams and waking hours.

She didn't see him as he approached and he was able to observe her quietly. It was the first time he had seen her in civilian clothing and it took some getting used to. Her normally choppy dark hair was pulled back from her face with clips and darker than usual eye makeup made up her face. Her one concession to vanity was her glossy pale pink lips that contrasted vividly with her blue eyes and deep black hair. His attention was caught by her lips, he wondered if she still tasted like vanilla and all at once a lurch of longing rolled through him.

He'd mourned this woman for two years, had felt betrayed by her, walked away from her. It had been so hard for him to get over her death, only to discover she was really alive. Two years of hell where he'd missed her every day, with every heartbeat, every breath.

"Hey," he said softly, disturbing her reverie. She turned and bestowed him with a tight smile.

"I don't think I have had a chance to offer my official congratulations yet, Spectre Alenko."

She tilted her glass in his direction and smiled before taking another sip. She didn't move from her position by the balcony.

Kaidan felt his face heat at her congratulations and nervously cleared his throat. "Ah, thank you," he said, graciously. He was getting good at accepting the congratulations without blushing but from Shepard, from the first human Spectre, it meant so much more. He paused for a moment. "I saw you from down stairs and I was wondering what you were doing up here?"

"Oh," she shrugged, "I just needed a moment. I'm not a fan of these sorts of things." She gestured to the scene below.

Kaidan smiled in agreement. "Nor am I to be honest."

"But a necessary evil for both of us, yes?"

Kaidan chucked, relaxing slightly. "Yes, you could say that."

She smiled again. "It suits you, you know."

Kaidan glanced at her in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Spectre," she answered, her voice unusually breathy and deep. It reminded him of another moment between them, a long time ago.

He studied her closely and realized her cheeks were stained pink. She twirled a near empty glass in her hand. It was obvious she had finished of maybe more than one glass of champagne and was slightly buzzed. Kaidan wasn't sure what to make of that, the Shepard he knew didn't drink. He imagined she would have had to have downed quite a few to get any kind of effect, like himself thanks to their biotic metabolisms.

"That… That means a lot coming from you, Shepard."

She took a step closer to him and placed a hand on his chest. It surprised him but he couldn't have moved himself away even if he wanted to.

"Was that Doctor Michel I saw you talking to before?"

She was close enough the he caught a trace of her warm vanilla scent. She had always tasted good enough to eat. He watched her cautiously for a second before giving her a curt nod. "Yes."

She nodded in response. She didn't look up at him, just stared at her hand on his chest. He held himself rigid, unsure how to react. "Was she the Doctor you mentioned in your letter after Horizon?"

He blinked slowly and for the briefest second, seriously considered lying. "Yes," he sighed.

She bit her lip and glanced down at the floor – a very un-Shepard like mannerism that had his stupid heart trembling a little bit in his chest. Her hand continued to rest over his heart a moment longer. He could feel the warmth of her hand radiate through his tux. His body was wired, almost trembling under her touch, no matter how faint. She was so close. So close all he had to do was raise his hands, slip them around her waist and draw her in. Her body would fit to him perfectly, he knew that from experience. His hands twitched with want but before he could act, she dropped her hand and stepped back out of his reach.

"Well, Spectre Alenko," she said without meeting his eyes, turning instead to lookout once again over the crowd. "Congratulations once again."

She turned and slipped into the crowd before he could make any sense of what just happened.

"Shepard!"

Shepard paused in surprise at the sound of her name being called out in his raspy voice. She stood at the transporter door, a bag of belongings slung over one shoulder. She hadn't bothered to change out of her black party frock and into her uniform, but her face was scrubbed free of makeup and her hair tumbled loosely around her face, freed from the pins that that clipped it back earlier. Despite the slight dark rings around her eyes belying her tiredness, she still looked so beautiful to him. His chest ached a little at the sight of her leaving. If he had been a few minutes later… He refused to think she could have disappeared from his life again with so much left unsaid and so much separating them. He couldn't let this be another Horizon.

In the time she had visited him during his recovery, they had remained friendly, but skirted around their past romantic history. It didn't seem right to bring it up now, with so much riding on her shoulders. He was loath to add to her worries. If he was honest with himself, he wasn't even sure if she felt the same. But every chance she had, she been to see him. She sat with him, kept him from going insane from the incessant boredom of the hospital. Even tonight, she was here, but as a friend, a lover, a comrade, he still wasn't sure. In fact, other that tiny moment on Mars, she had never acknowledged her feelings towards him and a small part of him made him wonder if had not misread the signs. Now was his chance to find out. Now or never.

"Yes?" She looked up at him, eyebrow raised expectantly. The bemusement on her face was evident. He faltered and slowed his pace as he neared her. Inside his chest, his heart thumped a rapid tattoo nothing to do with the run to catch up with her.

"Are you leaving?" He stared pointedly at her satchel.

She glanced down towards it and nodded. "Yes, I am."

Kaidan studied her for a moment, as though committing her face to memory. Her cheeks flamed under his scrutiny but she was unable to tear her eyes away from his.

"Why?"

The question was simple, direct and heartfelt. She could hear it in his husky voice and it surprised her. She frowned, not sure what to say. She eventually lifted one slim shoulder in a half shrug. "I have no real reason to stay."

The rapid tattoo in his chest grew louder. He gathered his courage and took a breath. "What if I could give you a reason?"

Her face broke into a sweet smile as she chuckled softly. "And what reason would that be, Major?" She gestured to herself. "I've worn a dress and hobnobbed with the elite of the Presidium, making nice and playing my part while the rest of the galaxy burns." She made a noise of disgust. "My work here is done."

"Not work."

She frowned, wondering what he meant but not daring to hope. "If not work, then what?" she asked cautiously.

Kaidan heart squeezed so tight in his chest he felt like he could hardly breathe. He almost felt dizzy. She had given him his opening.

"What about this?" He stepped towards her and lifted a hand to cup her face in his warm palm. He ran his thumb along the soft skin of her cheek, then leaned in and kissed her.

Shepard felt the touch of his lips on her own and nearly drowned in the pleasure. His kiss was soft, gentle and oh so slightly hesitant. All around her, his scent invaded her senses. A scent of strong man, but so undeniably Kaidan, so familiar and filled with memories of their night before Ilos that she almost collapsed under the sensual assault.

With a soft muffled moan, she parted her lips. He needed no further prompting to deepen the kiss, dropping his hand from her cheek to slip his hands around her waist. He pulled her towards him and felt her arms slip around his neck. He inwardly rejoiced at her surrender.

Kissing Shepard was everything Kaidan remembered it to be. More so. Her lips were heavenly soft and pliant under his own and he tasted the sweet tang of champagne on her breath. Instantly, he knew that one kiss would not be enough. He had become obsessed with her. Obsessed with having her, rediscovering what they once had and claiming her in his bed.

Gently he pulled his head away but kept her body close to his. He stared into her luminous eyes with the intensity of barely constrained desire. He spoke his request with the faintest touch of uncertainty. There was still so much unspoken between them, it was difficult to navigate the terrain of past hurts. He remembered the night he went to her cabin on the SR-1, the simple request she had asked of him and mimicked her.

"Stay with me tonight."

He bent to kiss her again, this time a quick touch of his lips. "Please." Eyes closed, he whispered the plea against her mouth.

Shepard's eyes drifted shut at the touch of his lips on her own. His words, reminiscent of her own from another life rang in her head. Stay with me. Did she dare? Did she dare to reignite this spark between them? Immediately, she knew without a doubt that she would.

It had been so long since she had felt so close to another human being, so long since she had stayed in more than one place for more than a few cycles, so long since she enjoyed the touch of a man on her body. And not just any man, but Kaidan. Kaidan, Kaidan, Kaidan- the love of her life that she tried to turn away from.

The desire between them was palatable and she knew she could not walk away from it.

Perhaps it was the long years of a self-imposed isolation, perhaps it was merely deeply ingrained feminine need to feel desirable, but she knew that at that very moment, she would gladly relinquish control and follow Kaidan anywhere. She gave herself over to her emotions.

Opening her eyes, she found herself staring deep into his whiskey coloured depths. He was waiting for a response, but as soon as he saw the tentative curve of her lips, he knew he had her answer. He drew her tightly to him and kissed her again, but this time it held the promise of things to come.

When they broke apart, he slipped the satchel from her shoulders, and took her hand. In silence, he led her to his quarters.

They didn't speak as he calmly locked the door behind them. They still didn't speak when she dropped her bag to the floor and fell into his arms and he lifted her and carried her into the bedroom. And still, they didn't speak when she unfastened the straps of her gown and it fell away from her body in a slither of silky fabric to rest in a puddle at her feet.

His mouth went dry as he watched her. She stepped away from the material and came towards him, her eyes locked on his. He lifted his hands and drew her closer to him by her hips and she came willingly. He buried his face in the warm skin of her belly and breathed in her scent. The gesture was so loving it made her catch her breath. She looked down at the crop of salt & pepper hair and ran her fingers gently through his closely cropped curls. Her heart filled with love for this man. He had stolen what she never realized she still possessed. And he would have it forever.

She moaned softly as she felt his large, strong hands skim down her naked body, over the curve of her breasts to the soft flare of her hips. Kaidan worshiped her with his kisses, his touch. Although his body was screaming out for satisfaction, he wanted to loose himself in this moment forever. He lowered his head and nuzzled her neck.

"By the gods, I've missed you so much," he finally whispered, his warm breath sending a shiver through her lean frame.

The night passed in a blur of limbs, languid satisfaction and whispers in the dark. Kaidan's breathing eventually slowed and deepened, signalling his surrender to sleep. For hours Shepard lay there awake, listening to his breathing and staring out at the unfamiliar room. She knew she would have to leave soon, she steeled herself to rise and head back to the Normandy. Back to the reality of death and reapers and politics that awaited her. She drew it out as long as possible but when she couldn't hold off any longer, she leaned down to kiss his temple softly, breathing in the scent of him, and silently choking back the tears that threatened to overwhelm her. She had to leave. She had to go while she still had a single ounce of self-control left.

Slowly, she sat up and slipped out of the bed. He didn't stir in the darkness. She slipped into the uniform stashed in her bag, glad she didn't have to get back into the dress of the night before. She left his sleeping form and silently let herself out of his apartment. The bright light of the passageway hurt her eyes. Or maybe it was the unshed tears. She stumbled her way to the transit hub and got on the first taxi out.

As the hover car pulled away from the station, she stared out the window, reliving the night in her mind and her heart aching.

Just like Ilos, it was one night of bliss. One night of heaven that would have to be enough to sustain her for what would most likely be the rest of her life. She supposed she should count herself lucky that she be able to have two, one for both her "lives". She said a silent prayer to whatever gods there were to keep him safe as the car pulled her further away from him. She returned to the Normandy, to reality, to the battle with the Reapers.

As she was stepping foot back onto the Normandy, Kaidan stirred. As soon as he woke, he sensed she was gone. His heart plummeted. Gingerly he opened his eyes, hoping to be wrong. But she was gone. No sign of her having been there. He sat back heavily against his pillow as a sigh escaped him, feeling the old bitterly familiar sensation of once again being bereft.

And yet, his heart was lighter. She still loved him, and he still loved her. He could only hope that their paths would cross again soon, that there might be some tiny chance for them in the future.

But neither of them could have known that the next time they would see each other, they would be on the opposite sides of their guns.