For the Love of Him

By Torina Archelda

Established relationship, HP/SS. An outtake from a novel length I'm never going to write. SeverusSighs Anti-Valentine's Day Prompt 2: Valentine's Day was supposed to be of red posies and heart-shaped offerings, kisses and love-filled promises. It was not supposed to be like this.

Thanks to atypicalsnowman and WhiteCotton for the beta!

For the Love of Him

"Marry me."

Harry stiffened. "I- no! What-"

"You're obviously insecure about something," Severus said evenly, calmly meeting Harry's shocked gaze. "You've admitted you love me, but you never touch me. You lean into me when I touch you, but then pull away as if you've been burned. Married or not, I plan on spending the rest of my life with you. And it is Valentine's Day, Harry- I want you as my lover. If you need me to make a commitment- if something has happened in your past that makes you unable to trust me, if you need more permanence before you are willing to let me love you- then marry me."

Harry closed his eyes and swore he could feel his heart breaking into a million tiny pieces. "Severus," he said softly, fighting back tears. "Oh, Severus. I…" He swallowed thickly and forced himself to meet the other man's gaze. "I do love you," he promised, folding his hand over the potion-stained one beside him. Severus instantly jumped at the chance for physical contact, turning his hand over in Harry's and lacing their fingers together. Harry squeezed back, biting his lip and searching for the right words. "I could never hurt you," he said at last, willing the man to believe him. "You know that, don't you?"

"Harry," Severus said roughly, "you have done more for me than anyone I've ever known. I am aware that means very little, considering the source, but-"

"Everything," Harry countered. "It means everything." He rubbed his thumb across the back of Severus' hand, seeking comfort in the man's presence. "Severus, I… I can't marry you. I just can't."

"Very well," Severus replied, meeting his gaze evenly. "How, then, do you suggest I convince you of the sincerity of my affections?"

Harry let out a harsh breath and ran his free hand through his hair, frustrated. He didn't want to have this conversation, damn it! He just wanted to enjoy what remained of his time with Severus; their easy camaraderie, the soft baritone of Severus' laugh, the feel of the older man's hand in his own. His eyes went wide at this, and he immediately tried to jerk his hand from Severus' grasp. Severus was having none of it, however- he refused to give up the wayward appendage, and Harry resigned himself to remaining as he was for the time being. He paused a moment to enjoy the warmth of man's hand, and the roughness of the calloused palm he was pressed against. This closeness with Severus was the most beautiful thing he had ever experienced, and he never wanted it to end.

"Harry?" Severus prompted after a moment, and Harry sighed.

"You don't really want to marry me, Severus."

Severus' brow furrowed. "I assure you I do," he contested. "I make neither idle threats nor promises. I have offered you my hand in marriage, and I would not have done so did I not both wish and intend to-"

"That's not what I mean," Harry interrupted. "I know you're sincere. I know you want- this, us, me, as much as I want you. But if you- if you remembered…" He trailed off, unable to finish, and Severus' face morphed into an impassive mask. His eyes were cold, and he pulled his hand sharply from Harry's grasp. Harry felt the loss of companionship and warmth as terribly and distinctly as if Severus had stabbed him, and again he fought to control his tears.

"You truly think so little of me? That what, I'm going to run off to an old lover the moment I can recall a name and address? Has the loss of my memories changed me so drastically that you are unable to reconcile the man you have lived with for six months with the one you used to know? Do you honestly believe I would simply desert you?"

"Severus," he pleaded, unconsciously reaching out to him, and when the man's gaze softened and he took pity on him and grasped his hands in his own, Harry didn't have the will to fight him. "You don't understand. I could never, ever hurt you. And if I married you- that would hurt you, Severus."

"I fail to see how." Severus' voice was soft, and his eyes were gentle and his hands were warm, and Harry loved loved loved him, and it wasn't fair that he couldn't-

Harry stood abruptly, and Severus started at the sudden action. "Harry? What-"

"I have to go," he said tightly, refusing to break down in front of this man. "I- I have to go. I'll be back tomorrow for our meeting with Dumbledore, okay? But I can't stay here right now. I just… can't." Harry grabbed his coat from the rack by the door and hurriedly left the apartment, neither knowing nor caring if the door closed behind him.

*****

Six hours later Severus was still sitting in the same spot on the couch, trying to figure out what had gone wrong. He couldn't fathom why Harry had acted the way he had. He knew Harry loved him, but it was obvious he didn't trust him- or rather, he didn't trust in the strength of his love. What had happened to him to make him so suspicious of love? The clock chimed one and Severus sighed, leaning back into the couch cushions and staring up and the ceiling. So much for Valentine's Day. Maybe Dumbledore would have good news tomorrow. If he had his memories back, at least one of Harry's concerns would be assuaged.

The door came open with a click and Severus shot up in his seat, back straight and eyes trained on the obviously exhausted man walking through it. Harry's face was tearstained, his eyes red and puffy, and his shoulders were hunched over in defeat. He took off his coat and was about to hang it up when suddenly he saw Severus on the couch. He froze, his entire body paralyzed with shock, and Severus stood. He walked over to Harry, taking the coat from his hands and grabbing the spare key from his own coat pocket before hanging Harry's up. He walked around Harry silently, closing and locking the door, and then came to stand in front of the man he had come to see as his savior these past few months.

"All right?" he asked mildly, wanting nothing more than to brush Harry's bangs from his eyes and kiss away the tear tracks on his face. He settled for meeting his eyes steadily, never once looking away from the shell-shocked green eyes before him. Harry shivered, and Severus clenched his hands into fists to prevent himself from wrapping him in his arms, his nails digging into his palms. How he hated never being able to touch him!

For several long moments Harry simply stared at him, shock the only expression on his face, and Severus vowed he would wait as long as it took for Harry to be ready to talk to him.

*****

Severus was standing in front of him, waiting for- well, something- but for the life of him Harry couldn't speak. What could he say? How could he tell the man he loved- the man who loved him- that their love was false? How could he tell him that they could never be together? That all his evasions, his attempts to put distance between them, every time his actions had inadvertently hurt Severus, he'd been trying to protect him from a bigger, stronger hurt? How could he tell him that soon Severus would be disgusted to look at him, that the gentle, loving look in his eyes would soon be replaced with hatred, that the day would come when Severus would look back on the wonderful, beautiful months they'd spent together and sneer in revulsion?

But how could he not?

"You hated me," Harry said abruptly.

Severus blinked. "What?"

"You hated me," Harry repeated. "You helped me, and you taught me, and you fought by my side, and you were there for me when I needed you in the fight against Voldemort- but you hated me. You're going to get your memories back and you're not going to want anything to do with me. I accepted that a long time ago, and I can deal with it. But I won't hurt you, Severus, and I promise you that you're going to be sickened by all of this when your memories return. Anything I do to progress this- any time I touch you, or let you touch me, or laugh with you or smile at you or love you or do whatever the hell I managed to do to make you fall in love with me, I'm taking advantage of you, Severus." Harry felt suddenly cold, despite the warmth of the hearth. He'd been keeping Severus' past close to himself since the day Dumbledore had asked him to keep an eye on the man, and now that he'd admitted it he felt faintly sick. "I love you, Severus," he said softly, eyes downturned. "All I want is for you to be happy. I-" Harry bit his lip and swallowed thickly, hating the tears that pooled in his eyes and the tightening in his throat. "I know you could never be happy with me. And I won't betray your trust by taking from you something I know you don't really want to give me." He shoved the nausea down and forced himself to meet Severus' eyes. It didn't matter that he felt violently ill, or that this severing of ties with Severus was tearing him in two. Severus needed to be all right. He needed to understand. Know that he was loved, that he would always be loved.

"Foolish boy," Severus said gruffly, pulling a shaking Harry into his arms. "However I might have felt about you before, I know you now. I cannot imagine there is a soul on earth who knows you as intimately as I. And having known you, Harry; having seen your both your beauty and your flaws, having loved you and been loved by you, having held you through your tears and felt your arms around me when I wept, having seen your unending capacity to love, and to give, and to be- how could the return of any memories, however horrible, change the fact that I am completely and irrevocably in love with you?"

Harry let out a choked sob and threw his arms around Severus' neck, feeling completely and utterly rent open. Could he do this? he asked himself, curling his fingers into the fabric of Severus' dress shirt. Could he trust in Severus, in his love for him; believe that they truly had a future, that Severus wouldn't come to hate him? That loving Severus wouldn't be taking advantage of him?

Harry gasped at the first kiss Severus pressed to his forehead, and moaned at the second. Suddenly Severus was pouring kisses all over his face; powerful, hard kisses that left Harry gasping for breath. He felt overwhelmed by the force with which Severus was loving him now; caught off guard by the sheer passion that overflowed with every press of Severus' lips against his skin. That Severus had kept all this under control all this time floored Harry, and when Severus made to kiss him again he tilted his head so that this one landed on his lips. Severus let out a startled gasp at the unexpected contact, and Harry let all his worries fall away at the feeling of Severus' lips pressed against his own. He threaded his fingers through the older man's hair and leaned forward, moaning into his mouth. Severus' arms tightened around his waist and Harry let his eyes fall closed, concentrating on the warmth and feel of Severus' lips. They kissed languidly for several long minutes, and when they pulled apart Harry's cheeks were flushed and Severus' eyes were burning with love and desire.

"Love me?" Harry asked softly, sliding a hand from Severus' hair to caress his cheek.

"Mhm," Severus replied, turning into the hand and nuzzling it. "Marry me?"

Harry's heart skipped a beat, and he told himself he wasn't going to cry over this, damn it! "Yes," he said softly, running his fingers through Severus' hair.

"Good," said Severus, and with that, he lifted Harry into his arms and carried him to the bedroom to fulfill his promise.