Can't Take my Eyes off of You

The office's lights hummed while me and Retsuko tapped away at the keyboard for our dead-end job.

Not sure how she does it? Being alone in the office in the late hours. it's kind of scary? It's like an entirely different world. Lonely.

The blue lighting from the computer screen illuminated half of Retsuko's soft, frail face. She smiled, a warm and lovely one if I'd say.

Though, if she's smiling like that...she probably found another guy. I mean, there's no way anyone could smile while working at such a soul-sucking job. Unless you're a suck-up like Ton or...

Tsunoda. Her damn smug smile that dimpled her soft cheeks, the way she dances in front of men, or her soft, lustrous eyes with just...how captivating they are.

"You okay, Fenneko?"

My eyes met Retsuko's soothing ones. "H-huh! Ah, yeah!" I rubbed the back of my neck as my face heated up like when I was caught looking at Tsunoda's thigh picks.

"You sure?" Retsuko's comforting smile cradled my heart.

I nodded, I returned to typing up this stupid report and so did she.

We typed away but I found myself captivated by her for some weird reason, I just couldn't look away even though I knew deep down:

...Retsuko doesn't swing that way...

My ears slanted as my fingers loomed over the keys as my heart crumbled. Which is weird because I knew she wouldn't date someone like me, but...it doesn't make it any less painful.

"Fenneko?"

"Hm?"

Retsuko rested her hand over her mouth. "Are you crying?"

"H-huh!" I wiped my eyes. "Oh how weird?"

"Is something wrong?" Retsuko swiveled in her chair to face me.

"Na, I think I must've rubbed pepper in my eyes."

"You sure?"

I nodded. "Don't worry."

Retsuko stared at me, her frail brows rose and the side of her lip crooked down in that way where you know she's worried.

Ever since she's seen Kabae's family, she's been trying to act more motherly, which is sweet and all but...it only makes it more painful.

"I know it's not my business to pry." Retsuko clasped her hands together in her lap while she rested her chin by her chest. "But, you're my friend." She raised her head and there it was: the smile I just couldn't say no to. "And you're aren't alone."

A meek smile crept up my muzzle. "Thank you."

...If only I was a guy, at least you could deny me like Haida and I could move on...

Retsuko extended her wavering hand by my shoulder before she rested it in her lap. "If you need to talk, you can."

Why do you have to be so sweet?

I rubbed my nose as the truth lodged in my throat and lacerated my heart into pieces.

Silence.

Sighing, I bitterly chuckled. "It's...complicated." I shrugged.

"Would it be okay if I ask how?"

Asking will only lead to more pain.

I shook my head and waved my hand towards her.

Retsuko bowed her head. "If you change your mind, I'm here!" She thumbed me up and I returned the gesture.

We typed into the night without a word as if neither of us existed, which in all honesty, I wish it was like that so I wouldn't have this...crush? Ha...no, it's more evil than that:

It's love.

"Hey, Retsuko."

"Yes?"

"Are you dating that guy?"

"Hm?"

"That tech dude...whatever his name is?"

"Tadano?"

I snapped my fingers. "Yeah, him."

Retsuko waved her hand in front of her face. "We didn't see eye to eye."

"...Oh?" My ear twitched.

She scratched her forehead. "Well, he wanted things differently and I wanted things that just...didn't match."

I blinked.

Retsuko sighed. "In hindsight, we should've talked it out...but...I just got caught up in the moment." She wrung her hands. "I think I messed up."

"Do...do you still talk?" My heart raced.

"Yeah! We text." Retsuko blushed and my heart dropped. "He said he wanted to talk later." She smiled. "So maybe we can work it out?" Retsuko swayed in her seat.

I don't know why it hurt, I should've expected it, but it felt like I was being crushed and I couldn't breathe...I should be happy for her? But I'm not...is that selfish?

"I think we're going to get back together." Retsuko smiled.

"Hey, that's good!" I lied through my damn teeth and fake smile.

"Aww, thank you."

I nodded, my body numbed.

"What about you? Is there someone you love?" Retsuko soothing eyes pierced me. Her lovely smile lacerated my heart while it bled dry.

"E-excuse me." I slipped from my seat and bolted for the break room.

It didn't make sense? I wasn't upset when Haida and her were getting together...or is it because I knew she'd say no? Or...did it make me think I have a chance? It's just, why is it hurting?

I clutched my chest. Dragged myself into the dim break room and sat. I gasped for air.

Am I afraid of losing her? She'd just up and leave? Or what? Just what is it?
Am I jealous? No, because I know she doesn't have feelings for me.
Right? I know how she acts when she does for someone.
And she doesn't for me because that's how it is.
I have to accept that, I respect that.
But what it really is:

...Is that I am afraid of being alone...

I don't want to lose her as a friend. I don't want her to leave. I don't want to be alone.

Not in this shitty job. I'd never survive. Ha...that's pathetic.

My heartstrings frayed. The tears poured. And for the first time in a while, I cried.

"Fenneko?"

I glanced over my shoulder and rubbed my stinging eyes.

Retsuko peeked her head from behind the plaster wall.

"Oh, hey!" I turned away.

She stepped beside me and pulled out a chair before she sat and stared out the window.

The glass reflected her soft image.

Silence. Hated it.

I crossed my arms and leaned back in my seat.

Retsuko glanced at me before she'd turn away but she'd peek at me until our eyes met and she'd avert her gaze.

It's awkward, honestly, but at least she was here...I wasn't alone. But...I kind of wished I was?

My chest constricted.

"You okay?" Retsuko patted my shoulder.

I shrugged.

"Do you..." Retsuko paused. "Want to talk about it?"

"Can't."

Retsuko blinked, she raised a brow.

My voice strained and wavered, "It's complicated."

"That's okay, I just want you to know." She smiled. "I'm here!"

A frail smile dimpled my cheeks as my tail wagged and thumped against the chair.

Retsuko snickered.

My cheeks burned. "W-what!"

"Nothing."

Our eyes met for a fleeting moment. We laughed.

"So, ugh." I paused. "If you do get...back with that guy." My words clawed my throat. "Promise to still be friends, okay?" I scrunched up and rested my arms on the table before I slumped my head into them.

"Of course! I'd always be you guys friends."

That's what they all say, but they leave once they're bored.

I smiled. "Thank you."

"Hey, Fenneko."

"Hm?"

Retsuko rubbed the back of her neck. "Why are you worried about." her eyes locked with mine. "My life?"

I turned away. "Pfft, na, just looking out for a friend." My heart crumbled as my chest hallowed but at least the pain was gone. For now.

"It's just...you seem to be." Retsuko awkwardly laughed. "Interested in women's lives."

My chest pounded. I panted. I fidgeted in place. "No."

"I caught you staring at Tsunoda's thighs...and even...Haida told me you..." Retsuko paused. "Found out I was at yoga."

It felt like I was in a boiling hot spring. I tugged on the collar of my work shirt.

"It's a bit strange?"

"I did it for Haida!"

Retsuko stared at me, her brows parted while she didn't budge.

"A-and Tsunoda...it was for espionage!" I smirked.

She hummed. "What happen with you and Manumaru?"

"Oh, ugh." Sweat trickled down my forehead. "He was nice...but." I turned away. "We...didn't see eye to eye?" I chuckled.

Silence.

My skin crawled.

"How do you feel about men?"

"Oh, I think they're cute'n all." I waved my quivering hand through the air.

"Hm."

"I-I mean, ugh, I think they're hot?"

Silence. Shit.

"How do you feel about me?" Retsuko's words cradled my heart.

"W-what!" I recoiled back in my seat and almost fell over before I caught myself.

"Yeah." Her warm, lovely smile stretched along her muzzle. "How do you feel about me?"

"A-as a friend?"

Retsuko shook her head.

My blood ran cold.

"I won't tell anyone."

I froze. Numb.

"I promise."

Body trembled. Mind fogged. Limbs refused to budge.

"It'll be okay."

"...Retsuko..."

"Yes?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Just curious." Retsuko stared out the window.

The truth clotted my throat and I couldn't face her and my jaw hung and chin quivered and I felt like I was falling apart and my vision blurred and my heart ached and the tears trickled down my cheeks and I sniffled but...

When my eyes met hers, I smiled. "I-I...do...have something for you."

"Oh? What is it?"

"N-no, I mean...I have." I paused. "I have...feelings."

Retsuko's eyes rounded.

Bitter, biting silence.

Burning passion turned to wildfires as they consumed my thoughts.

My brows knitted. "You can't tell anyone."

"I promise I won't!" Retsuko bowed her head. Her eyes met mine, I couldn't bear to look at them anymore. "But...I thought you hated romance?"

I mumbled, "Resentful."

"Hm?"

"I hated it because..." The truth fumbled out of my quivering lips, "What are the chances of me finding someone?" Dread snaked up my spine as it sank its venom into me.

No reply.

I sunk into my chair as regret consumed me. Won't be long until the others know.

"Maybe you'll find someone?" Retsuko played with her hands. "I don't know much...about your situation." She paused. "But I'm sure there's meetings?"

"And get caught?"

"Well, what's the worst that could happen?"

"Harassment, threats, and the slim chance of violence." I shrugged. "Nothing horrifying."

Retsuko rubbed the back of her neck. "I think that's a lit-"

"There's nothing stopping discrimination in the workplace." I wrinkled my muzzle before it ebbed when she nodded and apologized. "No, I should be sorry..."

"Why?"

"Putting you on the spot."

"Oh." Retsuko waved her hand through the air. "It's fine, I'm used to it."

"It's not awkward?"

"No."

"Huh." I leaned back in the seat with my arms crossed. "Kinda figured you'd hate me."

Retsuko's brows parted while her eyes widened. "What?"

"Isn't it weird to be...hit on by another woman?"

"Not really, it's different but not bad."

I blinked. "You don't believe in the rumors?"

"Huh?"

"Predatory women?"

Retsuko shook her head. "No, I honestly never thought about it." She smiled, the same warm smile that caressed my heart but I know I'd never see it again and that's okay.

My heart cracked but I respect her.

Silence.

"Hey, umm..." I inhaled, held it, and exhaled. "This...doesn't ruin our friendship, does it?"

"Of course not!"

I smiled. "Thank you."

"No, thank you for being honest and being you."

My eyes stung while I chuckled. "Guess we should get back to work?"

"Mhm."

We stared at each other, her calm gaze mended some of the pain.

My chest constricted. "Can I ask a favor?"

"Oh, go right ahead!"

"Could you..." I paused, my words clung to the tip of my tongue before I gulped. "C-could you please deny me."

Retsuko's fur stood as her eyes rounded. "What?"

"Do it...like Haida."

"Huh?"

"I...I want to know even if I was a guy, you'd still say no..." I sighed. "I know it's weird, but...it makes it easier, y'know?"

"Oh! I understand." Retsuko shut her eyes and rubbed the back of her neck. "Umm...sure?" She shrugged.

I bowed my head. "Thank you." I sighed. "Retsuko, I have feeling for you." I shut my eyes and scrunched up while my stomach contorted. Brace for impact.

"I'm sorry Fenneko."

Silence.

"I don't feel that way towards you, but I'm glad to have you as a friend."

Even though I knew it was coming, it still hit my heart like a bullet. I want to run, to cry, to scream but I couldn't because I was shot down:

And that's okay. I respect her and I want her to be happy but it isn't with me—so I let go for her.

Tears trailed down my cheeks. Pathetic. I wiped my eyes and sniffled. "Thank you, Retsuko. Thank you for being such a good friend." I smiled.

And so did Retsuko. "Thank you for being my friend, Fenneko."

We strolled back to our stations and worked throughout the night together as friends.

It's kind of strange with how people get so upset for being denied? Or seeing someone you love with another person. Sure, it hurts and all but I want her to be happy and even if I can't give her it, I can still be by her side and help her when she needs it.

Because that's what it means to make a sacrifice, it's letting go of something you really love for the sake of their happiness.

And that's okay. Because I really do love her.