Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: R (for language)
Type: Multi-chap, completed, angst, romance
Summary: When Sirius' miserable moods suggest that everything is going wrong, something starts to go right. A "how they got together" story.
Author's Notes: Written because sometimes it's Remus who wants to always climb into Sirius' bed. Written in 4 parts. I will post a new part every couple days until it's complete.
XXXXXXX
Part I
XXXXXXX
Sirius' hair hung down past his shoulders and often fell into his face when his neck was bent as he read. He'd gotten into the habit of reading books as of late; they were mostly novels, but sometimes books on perfecting spell techniques, something, he said, was much needed for the war. His eyes danced left to right, a circle of light in each one, a reflection from the sphere of light from his Lumos spell. It was strange for him to read, but he welcomed the quiet of the books. He could think without it being about what was happening around him, what would be happening in a few months when he left school for the final time. With the words, he could be somewhere else, somewhere happy or adventurous. Normally, he sided with adventurous because the happy books tended to be Muggle romances, and he was most definitely not a girl.
The habit of reading had begun the summer before sixth year. He'd turned sixteen the winter before and somehow expected sixteen to feel infinitely different than fifteen. Nothing was different. Nothing was different and it was depressing. "Escape" was the right word – and that's what he needed. In fourth year, when things had gotten too intense, he would find a girlfriend and snog her for a while. In fifth year, he'd do the same thing, only try to push the girls as far as they would go. But last year, the girls had begun to bore him and none of them lasted very long. Funny thing was, they usually did the breaking up, no longer tolerating his mood swings, no longer accepting coming in second to his pack of friends.
This year, seventh year, his mood swings had gotten exponentially worse. When he never put girls before the Marauders, James had. Ever since Lily finally agreed to go out with him in October, she had come first. The cord that had attached James and Sirius at the hip was severed, leaving Sirius as only a half, and leaving James as a new whole.
With Christmas holidays rapidly approaching, Sirius' moods were getting worse. Peter steered clear of him altogether, cowering whenever they were left in the dorm alone. James tried, he truly did, to balance out time with his girlfriend while still being a best mate to three guys, but it would never be the same as it once was. Remus seemed to be the same, but the boy seemed unaffected by almost anything, and took Sirius' moods in stride.
The problem with Christmas holiday was that Sirius was supposed to go to James' house, but James had made mutterings of going to meet Lily's parents. Remus was going to stay at school until Boxing Day and then make headway towards home until the New Year. Peter never had a choice in the matter; his mother would have never allowed him to go anywhere but home for the holiday.
Or rather, that was only part of the problem with Christmas. The letter from his mother hadn't helped matters much.
As November was snowed out by December, Sirius' moods became almost unbearable. A week before the end of school and beginning of the holiday, Sirius buried himself under his blankets and closed his eyes against the darkened bed curtains. It was his ritual; he'd go to bed, curled on his left side, then he'd turn over on his back, then his right side, before finally giving up and going downstairs to the common room to read in the squishy armchair by the fire. Tonight, he decided, was going to be no different.
"Hey ... Sirius?"
Sirius heard his bed curtains part and Remus' voice as it whispered.
"I know you're not asleep."
"I might be,' said Sirius.
"You never fall asleep before two and it's only eleven."
Sirius turned on his back and looked up at Remus who was standing next to his bed, the curtains pushed away by one hand. His face was mostly in shadow, but his Muggle sweatshirt and flannel pajama bottoms were visible in the blue light cast in by the partial moon.
"How d'you know?"
"You wake me up when you leave and come back in the dormitory," answered Remus with a shrug. "I'm a light sleeper – you know that."
Sirius nodded. "Well – sorry. I won't wake you up anymore."
"Don't get crabby with me," snapped Remus. "I think I've done a pretty good job with putting up with all your brooding."
"I don't—"
"Peter is afraid to be anywhere near you and James is about to forget you altogether."
"What about you?"
"Budge over," said Remus, kneeling on Sirius' bed and closing the curtains behind him.
Without questioning it, Sirius moved over and felt the bed sag under both their weights and Remus sat facing him, his legs crossed and his back hunched as he rested his elbows on his knees.
"Why're you reading?"
"What?"
"I'm the one who reads. James throws that Snitch, Peter drools and follows him around, and you just ... are ... y'know, you're just you. I sit and read. You're taking my thing."
"So what? You're the only one around here who can be clever?"
"No. Just wondering why."
"Because when I think about what I'm reading I don't have to think about anything else."
"Ah," said Remus. "That's true."
"Is that why you read so much?"
Remus shrugged. "They never assume it's me because my nose is always jammed in a book."
"Who's 'they'?"
"The professors. Notice how I never get in trouble, even when it's my prank?"
"Yeah, I did notice that. Bloody annoying. But if your pranks weren't so brilliant I'd be more hacked off by it."
Sirius could practically hear Remus grin in the darkness of his bed, even though he was mostly in shadow.
"You're the unassuming one. I still think you're having it of with Minerva and that's why you're conveniently never in detention with me and James."
Remus smirked, but didn't respond. Sirius was suddenly aware of how much he needed to move. When he was lying in bed alone he never gave any thought of how much he fidgeted before, but now with someone with him, he was aware of how he wanted – needed – to just move.
"Er – Remus? Did you need something? Other than asking about my reading habits?"
"Well ... You know I'm a big advocate of honesty, yeah?"
Sirius nodded. When Remus didn't continue right away, Sirius realized that the boy might not be able to see his nod clearly enough in the dark. "Yeah," he said, swallowing and feeling rather anxious over what Remus was going to say.
"Don't take this personally – I'm only trying to be honest – but you've been a right foul git lately and I want to know what's wrong before you start driving me mad."
"Don't take it personally? Are you fucking out of your skull?"
"No, I don't think so."
"First you tell me I'm crabby and now I'm a git?"
"Are you trying to tell me that you're not a git? Because I'm very interested in hearing your arguments."
"Get off my bed."
"Shh! Don't be so loud, you'll wake the others."
"I said—"
"Are you upset about Christmas?" interrupted Remus.
"... What?"
"Christmas. About James going to Lily's instead of home?"
"I don't think—"
"Because they're going to his house on Boxing Day," Remus interrupted again. "I'm invited, but I'll probably go home for a few days and join them on New Year's Eve ..."
"Oh."
"Though, I think your mood began before James' announcement, but, really, it got a lot worse after that."
"Been spending a lot of time observing my moods?"
"Yes."
Sirius was glad that Remus probably couldn't see his surprised expression. He couldn't decide how he felt about that. Exactly how close was Remus watching him? It was an exhilarating thought, but Sirius wasn't sure he liked it.
"I thought you liked Lily?" said Remus.
"There's nothing wrong with Evans."
"You say her name like it's a disease."
"Not a disease. A mild curse, maybe."
"Grow up, Sirius."
"What?"
"I said grow up. One of us was bound to get a girlfriend ... Okay, probably not Peter since he's so bloody afraid of them and not me either – or you. James is the likely choice so you need to live with it and stop making yourself miserable. And stop trying to make everyone else miserable with you. It's beginning to get tiresome."
"I'm not miserable," said Sirius, rubbing his feet together under the blankets, trying to warm them up. "And hey – why not me? I could get a girlfriend."
"You could get one. Not keep one."
"Why not you?"
"I'm not really interested in a girlfriend."
"You're so weird, Remus."
"I'm not so different than you."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Remus sighed. "What're you doing? With your feet. You keep poking me with your toes."
"They're cold! I'm trying to warm them up."
"Are you wearing socks?"
"... No."
"You never wear socks and yet, shockingly, always wonder why your feet are cold. I wonder why that is?"
"You mock me," said Sirius. "Get off my bed if you're going to mock me."
Sirius heard Remus swallow and there seemed to be something the other boy wanted to say, and yet held his silence.
"Remus?"
"Sirius, are you ... what's really wrong?"
"Goddamn, can't you give up?"
"No ... I'm sorry. I suppose I'm worried. You're usually fairly moody in general, but lately – I'm worried."
"Worried? You're not my mother."
"Your mother wouldn't be worried," said Remus.
"Thanks for reminding me."
"See what I mean? You don't have to be so snarky."
"If I wanted to listen to insults—"
"I'm not insulting—"
"—then I'd've gone the fuck home. Get away from me."
"Padfoot—"
"Don't."
Sirius turned on his stomach and kicked his foot at Remus, but he'd already gotten up and left the bed with only a flutter of the bed curtains.
XXXXXXX
The next morning, Sirius pushed the food around on his plate, his leg bouncing as though he had a nervous tic. He'd taken a shower and thrown on his uniform before the others had awoken. He buttoned his shirt, knotted his tie, and threw his black work robes around his shoulders as he walked towards the Great Hall. Halfway there he realized he'd forgotten his sweater on his bed; the thin fabric of the robes did nothing to ward off the cold draft of the castle.
James was the first one down and he looked rather grumpy as he sat down across the table from Sirius. He pulled a piece of toast off one of the serving platters and plopped it down on his plate, grumbling to himself. Peter came in next and sat down next to James, carefully avoiding Sirius' gaze. He piled his plate full of eggs, toast, and sausages. His hand shook as he poured coffee and Sirius snorted at Peter's nervousness.
"What's with you?" he asked, looking up at James.
"Lily ... Christmas ... bloody war ..."
"It helps to understand you if you speak in complete sentences."
James looked up, his eyes dark with anger, and snapped, "Rumor has it that Voldemort's Death Munchers—"
"Eaters," interrupted Sirius. "Get it right."
"My family stays far away from all that nonsense so pardon me for being ignorant over what You Know Who's followers are called. Have you ever thought about how idiotic 'Death Eaters' sounds?"
Sirius didn't even comment.
"So rumor has it that some of the Muggle-borns are in danger if they go home. Attacks on their Muggle families and so on and so forth."
"Rotten luck, then."
"Right – exactly! So Lily's not going home and neither am I. She's in a right foul state about it. Misses her parents. I said I'd stay here with her, only she took it to mean the entire holiday so now I'm not going home either."
"Ah," said Sirius. Then, after a pause, "Wait ... this doesn't mean I can't go to your house, does it? I thought I would meet you there ... on Boxing Day or something ... for the New Year."
"James had me owl my mum last night, asking for permission to stay," said Peter, not looking at Sirius as he said it. "She'll prob'ly write me back today – a Howler, most likely ..."
"I think we should all stay here. It's our last Christmas together before we have to go and fight – or even if we don't want to fight" – James glared at Peter – "then it's still our last Christmas before we have to get jobs and be responsible adults. I told Remus in the dormitory already about staying at school. He didn't seem to care either way."
"Of course not," muttered Sirius, "he doesn't care much about anything."
James must not have heard him, for he shoved toast into his mouth and rubbed his eyes as he chewed. He looked exceptionally tired this morning. Sirius' mood had actually improved. He would get to spend all holiday break with his mates. Holiday homework was usually minimal and he'd copy from Remus anyway. This could actually turn out to be an all right holiday after all. He barely noticed when Remus came into the Great Hall and sat next to him until something scratchy landed softly in his lap.
Sirius looked down; Remus had brought him his sweater from the dormitory where he left it. Sirius was rubbish with apologies, but he caught Remus' eye and held his gaze for a moment longer than necessary. When Remus nodded his head down and turned towards the platters of food before him, Sirius knew that he was forgiven for being a git last night and their fight was forgotten.
XXXXXXX
That night, Sirius couldn't sleep again. He wasn't even sure why he bothered going to bed in the first place, since he always got up and went into the common room to read. James had all but passed out the moment Quidditch practice was over; he'd barely taken off his gear and shoes before he fell flat on his bed with a snore. Peter had gone to bed at ten, as he did every night. Sirius knew when James was asleep because he snored as loud as a banshee. Peter, on the other hand, never moved or made a sound when he slept. So the silence behind Peter's curtains and the cacophony of nasal grunts from behind James' let Sirius know they were both fast asleep.
It was impossible to tell when Remus was asleep, so when the curtains to Sirius' bed were parted, he was only mildly surprised. Sirius turned on his back and watched as Remus sat down, letting the curtains shut. Sirius pulled his wand out from underneath his pillow and cast Lumos.
"Are you happy that we're all staying together for the holiday?"
"It'll be nice, we've never been together for Christmas. What's Lily gonna think when we all disappear for the night on the moon?"
"She knows," said Remus.
"Did James--?"
"No, I told her."
"Oh. Why?"
Remus shrugged. "Seems like she's going to be around for a while. She took it well and thanked me for trusting her. She didn't seem the type to stop being friends with me because of a furry little problem."
Sirius nodded. "Yeah. Think Peter's mum's gonna let him stay?"
Remus shrugged again. "She might. Or he might defy her and stay anyway. James has a bigger influence on him than his family does, I think. Were you going to read tonight? I've this really good book I just finished. It's got a lot of sword fighting in it and escaping from the law sort of thing. I think you'd like it."
"I prob'ly would."
"It's on the table next to my bed if you want it – you can take it. Just don't bend down the pages to mark them, please."
Sirius sniggered. "You and your books."
"I'm glad you're in a better mood. You had me worried for a while."
"It's my mum's fault," Sirius blurted.
"You can't blame them for everything."
Sirius shook his head and sat up. He freed his feet from the blankets and tried to rub the cold out of them with his hands. He kept his eyes focused on his big toes instead of looking up at Remus.
"She's not to blame for all of it, but most of it. She sent me an invitation to the Black masque."
"Again? Why?"
"To tell me I could come if I stopped being a blood traitor. I've left home, but she's tried to keep her claws in me. This time, though, she said if I didn't leave my friends and come home that I was officially disowned. She – she said that they never loved me and that Regulus was the only real son they had. According to her, there was always something wrong with me, mentally, and my deficiencies were because I was so … unnatural. She wishes I was never born … I was a mistake."
"I never believed you when you said you didn't care what your family thought of you."
"I don't! She can think I'm a blood traitor all she wants, I don't really fucking care."
"Sixteen years is a long time to live in someone's house and not have them love you," said Remus. "I'm glad you left when you did and I know running away when you're only sixteen was hard. I don't know what I'd do if my parents said they didn't love me."
Sirius shrugged. "She never told me she loved me in the first place," he said, "but I kinda assumed. I knew Regulus was the favorite, but everyone's got a favorite, don't they? A favorite book or class or friend, right?"
"Right."
"What're yours?"
"My what?"
"Your favorite book or class or friend?"
Remus took in a deep breath and looked as though he was thinking very hard. "I like the old books – The Three Musketeers, perhaps. I like Transfiguration—"
"Only 'cause you fancy Minerva."
"I do not fancy Min – Professor McGonagall."
"Who's your favorite friend?"
"You are."
Sirius looked up. "Really?"
"And I know that James is your favorite friend and it doesn't bother me, so don't worry about it."
"James has got Evans now. He's not doing a good job as best mate."
"And you think you have the past couple months? With your miserable moods?"
Sirius swallowed. "Oh. I guess not. You're my second favorite."
Remus rolled his eyes. "I'm not really concerned about being anyone's favorite mate. It doesn't really matter. I know you'd never hear James or Peter say this: Sirius – you have us, the three of us, and, well, you'd have Lily too if you weren't such a git around her – but you don't need your mother and your family. None of us would ever tell you we don't love you. That's just bollocks."
"Thanks ..."
"I mean it."
"I have no idea how you could say that. I don't think I'm ... I don't understand ..."
"You don't think you're what? Worthy of your friends? Just because your mum made you feel like rubbish and didn't love you doesn't mean no one else is allowed to love you. We're your mates. Besides, you figured out I was a werewolf and you didn't care. You didn't act scared and you weren't afraid to ask questions about it and you gave Severus a bloody nose every time he even pretended to tell anyone about me. I think all that speaks volumes of your character, especially considering the family you came from. Well, the bit about giving Severus bloody noses doesn't speak for your character, but the part about standing up for me does."
Sirius held Remus' gaze, unsure of what to think.
"Don't tell James," said Sirius, "about what I said."
"Okay."
"I really do hate them," added Sirius, looking down again. "I hate them – her – for what she's done to me. I'm a fucking disaster when it comes to thinking I'm worth anything sometimes. It's like I know I'm clever. I can do all the Transfiguration and Charm work by the end of class when we're taught something new and I can hex my way through any duel in Defense, but ... it's like ... everything else ... when something seems hard I think it's my fault. I was so fucking hacked off when Evans came around and agreed to go out with James. He tries – I know he does – to balance out his time and be a mate and a sodding boyfriend, but I couldn't really help feeling like shit that he likes her better."
"You don't snog him," said Remus, "and I hear that's rather important when it comes to whom you like most."
Sirius tried to smile, but his mouth failed.
"D'you think you could ever hate me?" he asked, looking back up once again at Remus.
The other boy looked shocked. "No! How could I?"
"The thing with Snape last year and my miserable moods this year."
"Oh. No. I couldn't ever hate you." Remus sighed. "I really just couldn't."
"I couldn't hate you either."
"Well, thank you."
"That book you mentioned earlier? You really think I'd like it?"
Remus nodded. "Yeah. Loads of fighting, which is something I think you deem important in a book. I'll probably read it again once you're done. It was rather long and had a lot going on."
"Read it to me?"
"What?" Remus paused. "Are you kidding?"
"No. I'm too tired to read, but I can't fall asleep."
"If I start reading it again, I'll have to finish. I can't simply read a few pages and set it aside for you to finish later."
Sirius shrugged. "So what? We'll trade off, then. Get the book, Moony."
Sirius laid down on his side and pulled the blankets around him as Remus went to get the book. When he came back, he sat down again and took Sirius' wand, putting it behind his ear so that the Lumos spell would shine directly over the pages.
Remus' voice had a hypnotic sound. Whenever Sirius and James were scheming, they would always ask Remus for advice or help. He was sneakier than he appeared and the fact that he was a prefect was, quite honestly, crap, because he was just as willing as the others to pull pranks and break the rules. Only, when Remus broke the rules, he did so in a way that he hardly ever got caught. Right away, James and Sirius had learned to ask Remus for help when they were planning something that would end up in many weeks detention if they were caught. Remus would take a deep breath, rub his chin, and crack his knuckles. Then, he would speak in short, incomplete sentences – spurts of ideas. Sirius would watch him, amazed at how someone so unassuming could come up with such elaborate and creative ways to break the rules.
Part of it was Remus' knack for finding brilliant ways to avoid getting caught, but part of it was his voice and mannerisms that caused Sirius to become practically hypnotized when he spoke. Tonight, Sirius thought that perhaps listening to Remus talk would put him to sleep. He was tired; he was always tired, but he simply could never fall asleep.
Sirius tried to close his eyes while Remus read, but he kept watching the other boy. Remus put his thumb up near his mouth and licked it very quickly so that the pages would stick to his finger as he turned them. He kept reading and towards the end of the first chapter, he shifted and laid down on his back next to Sirius. He raised his hands and held the book directly over his head so that he could look straight up and still read. Halfway through chapter two and yawns began to break up the sentences.
Sirius never heard Remus finish the second chapter. He had fallen, thankfully, asleep.
XXXXXXX
End Part I
XXXXXXX