Disclaimer: I don't own One Tree Hill. I also don't own the characters.
Summary: Brooke's thoughts on breaking up with Lucas, season 4. One shot.
Author's Note: Song lyrics from Givin' Up on You by Lara Fabian.
This is for my incredibly wonderful reviewers: BLove13, ooohDREYY, Katie76842, mickeiblue and QuieraStrawberry9. Hope you guys like it. Much love.
Silence and quiet
Again in my life
Far from these moments, I wish I was
Did it have to end so...calmly?
Brooke Davis hadn't imagined that he would take it like that. Sitting down, with his damn computer in front of him, with just 'sorry' to compensate her heartfelt speech. But then Lucas Scott had always been good at falling short of all her expectations of a mature functioning relationship.
She hadn't been surprised to find former best friend a.k.a. slutty Sawyer when she visited her boyfriend. She wasn't pleased, but she wasn't surprised. And that was the saddest thing - she was now expecting him to screw up.
After all we have been through
I can only look at you
Through the eyes you lied to
She was in love with him. She didn't miss him, that was true, but she was so in love with that lanky blue-eyed broody boy that she actually felt like she was dying as she was breaking up with him. Like she was strangling herself, and that each word she said it felt like the invisible noose that was around her neck was getting tighter, and tighter.
She felt bad about deserting him when Cooper was still in the hospital, when Nathan had nearly drowned, and when he watched how enviously he looked at the newly-remarried golden couple. But she wanted to stop feeling sorry for him, because he was doing it enough already. He felt guilty about the whole school shooting, he was sad after losing Keith and Jimmy, and he felt powerless as he watched Mouth wander like a ghost, and his mother wake up screaming, yelling about gun shots. She even suspected that he somehow blamed himself for the whole accident at the bridge. He withdrew into himself - refusing to show her how hurt he was, how confused he got, and how much he needed her in his life.
And what am I to you
Just spit it out
I'm not afraid of the words that you hide
It had been difficult at first, for him to trust her. It wasn't about the Chris Keller incident, but that's how she rationalized it. Because that was the only logical explanation Brooke could think of, of why he still went to Haley or Peyton or even Nathan for his grief, for his suffering. Did he think she wouldn't understand? Did he think she wouldn't get it?
That hurt her more than any kiss with Peyton ever could.
Where do we go
When did it all crash
When did it start to fall apart
She was exhausted, because she had been keeping their relationship just so he wouldn't feel lonely. Just so he wouldn't wake up to a world without Keith and Jimmy and think that all of it was his fault. But she had been at the end of her rope. For the past month, she was taking care of a depressed boyfriend who calls once a day to ask what she had for breakfast and if she thinks he should buy this Yellowcard song off iTunes. One whose existence revolved around visiting graves and typing seemingly important things in laptops. No love letters. No I've-been-thinking-bout-you emails. Just a text message in the middle of the day about something crazy that Skillz did, or something funny that happened at basketball practice. Not even a how-are-you-doing-babe.
Silence and quiet
Passion, the truth
Shadows, only shadows
Their relationship had come to accommodate all of his problems, but not hers. He had been so used to seeing her as this strong independent girl that he didn't bother saving her; not when her mother had been ignoring her calls for the past week, or when she had been struggling with the weight of her cheerleading, student council and school activities. It was all about him, and Brooke felt that if she had to live another day like that, she would have to change her name to 'Lucas Scott's sounding board'.
After all if there is no way out
If you cannot stand beside me
If there isn't love, there is only pride
She wanted to blame Peyton, or Jimmy, hell she even wanted to blame Keith. But she can't because she knows it's Lucas's fault, she knows it's her fault. She knows that he isn't trying as hard anymore. She knows that she hasn't been calling him out on those slip-ups. It's been a struggle ever since.
And it shouldn't be.
I'm givin' up, givin' up
I'm givin' up on you
Her hands clasped the steering wheel of her car firmly, as if it would pull away from her if she held it loosely. If she had been thinking more clearly, she would've drove off as fast as she could, anywhere, because she would not allow herself to break down across the street from Lucas's house.
But she was not thinking clearly. And she seriously wanted to get away, but her mind had not yet processed the fact that she had not yet turned the key into the ignition. She could not take her hands off the steering wheel, fearing that would signal a flood of tears and she was not yet insane enough to look like a pathetic loser crying in front of an ex's house.
Her thoughts were interrupted as she watched a figure silhouetted in his room light walk out. Lucas.
He wore his grey hoody, and he had his hands in his pockets. He turned around to lock the door and to turn off the light on the porch, not noticing her car parked a few meters from him.
Maybe he was coming to see her? To see if she'd take those words back. Her eyes fixed on his every move, waiting for him to turn right.
He walked, heading left.
To where Peyton lived.
Brooke closed her eyes and let the tears fall.
I'm givin' up, givin' up
I'm givin' up this fight
I'm givin' up, givin' up tonight