Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.

WARNING: This story concerns the very sensitive subject of sexual assault. As with all my other serious subject stories, it is a non-canon take on canon.

TIMELINE NOTE: As there are conflicting accounts of when Chakotay left Starfleet and began freedom fighting, I have gone with the date given by Chakotay himself in the episode "In the Flesh", which was 3 March 2368. In the novel Pathways there is a different account of events.

THE YEARNING

CHAPTER ONE

March, 2379

As he sat alone in Voyager's mess hall, gazing out at a window of stars, Chakotay could easily believe that Voyager was back in the Delta Quadrant. Behind him was a familiar hustle and bustle, and above it he could hear Neelix joke as he took orders. The nostalgia was overwhelming and made Chakotay wish that Voyager really was in the Delta Quadrant, that the great ship was still soaring through unknown space on its long journey home. But Voyager was not in the Delta Quadrant and Neelix was only a hologram. Voyager's epic journey had ended fourteen months ago and the historic ship was now a museum. The chatter around him was from visitors, and the stars outside were nothing more than holographic illusion. Voyager was on firm ground, the firm ground of San Francisco, and was protected by a high security dome.

This was not the first time Chakotay had wished he was back in the Delta Quadrant. As good as it was to be home, he missed his life on Voyager. He missed the crew, missed the adventures they'd all had together, and he missed the journey. But most of all he missed Kathryn. He missed everything about her from her raspy voice to the way she drank coffee incessantly. He'd been stupid to give up on her for Seven. If he had waited, just a little bit longer, then maybe things would be different now. Maybe he and Kathryn would be together, just as he'd always felt they should be. But, as the wise had said for centuries, time always give a different perspective. Mistakes are easy to see with the benefit of hindsight. They're impossible to see while in the making. His last few months on Voyager had not been easy. Kathryn had been more distant than ever and his relationship with Seven had just kind of happened. It hadn't lasted, had ended almost as soon as it had begun, and he realized now that if anything had bonded them it was loneliness. Seven had been lonely since her first days on Voyager, something she had once confessed to him, and he had been lonely for a long time too. In each other they'd found companionship and comfort.

Getting home, however, had changed everything. Seven now had a whole Federation of opportunities to explore, and the obstacles that had always existed between him and Kathryn were gone. It had taken a while for the reality of that to hit him, but when it had, it had hit him hard. And with that realization came the painful one that he still loved her. He always had and he knew he always would. Several times since getting home he had come close to telling her, but without some sign that she felt the same, he had not. He was afraid that to ask for more than friendship would be to lose her friendship. So, after spending a few weeks with his sister on Trebus, he had accepted promotion to captain and left Earth as the commander of a deep space exploration mission. It had lasted ten months, and he had hoped the time away would change his feelings for Kathryn, but he'd soon learnt that the old adage, out of sight is out of mind, was not true. He loved her now as much as he ever had.

"Captain Chakotay?"

The voice was unfamiliar, but when Chakotay looked away from the window, he recognized the man it belonged to: Mark Johnson, Kathryn's former fiancé.

"That's me," Chakotay said, getting to his feet. "Mark Johnson?"

"That's right," he answered, holding out his hand. "Hello. It's good to see you again."

Chakotay took his hand and shook it. "You too."

"I wasn't sure if it was really you at first, as there are holograms of crew members all over, but as you're out of uniform, I figured you must be the real deal."

Chakotay smiled. "I'm certainly that."

"I'm surprised to see you here, though. I thought you were in space. But I suppose you're surprised to see me here too."

"Yes.."

"Well, I'm here with my son. He loves coming here and we come quite often. He's in the holodeck at the moment, playing an adventure game with other kids. I thought I'd grab myself a coffee while I have the chance."

Chakotay gestured to the table. "Then join me, please."

"Thank you," Mark said, sitting. "I will."

Chakotay sat too. "How's Kathryn?" he asked.

"Fine, as far as I know," Mark answered. "I haven't seen her in a while. We both lead busy lives and, well, it's never easy to be friends when you have a history."

"I understand," Chakotay said. "And I'm sorry...about what happened, the way you lost each other."

"Thank you. But you know what they say, things generally work out for the best. I loved Kathryn, but our relationship was never easy. Perhaps it was even a mistake. We were much better friends than we were lovers." He paused. "Kathryn says that you and she got pretty close, that you're more than just comrades, so I guess you know that we were never engaged."

Chakotay flinched. "You weren't?"

"No," Mark answered. "But I thought..." He then bit his lip and began to fidget. "Forget I said anything."

"That's kind of hard," Chakotay said honestly. "If you weren't engaged, why would Kathryn say you were?"

"She didn't," Mark replied. "Someone came to that conclusion and she didn't get the chance to correct them. Before she knew it, her entire crew thought she was engaged, and she didn't want to look foolish by saying she wasn't. So she let them think it and turned it to her advantage. No one would expect an engaged woman to get involved with anyone. It was a kind of buffer to the whole captain protocol thing."

"I see," Chakotay said quietly. To the best of his knowledge, this was not how it had happened. Kathryn had very definitely said she was engaged. Looking back, it was clear that she had not always behaved like an engaged woman would do, and had not pined for her fiancé as much as she might have, but it was hard to believe that Kathryn had lied to him about this for years. In the early months of their journey, perhaps, but later...it was more than unsettling, it hurt deeply.

"But please don't say anything to anyone," Mark urged. "I've promised Kathryn that I won't and I would never intentionally break a promise. I thought you knew."

"I won't say anything to anyone," Chakotay reassured him. "You have my word."

Mark relaxed at that. "Thank you."

Neelix's hologram came over now, adorned in a flashy apron of blue and pink, and he smiled at Mark.

"Dr Johnson, hello! How wonderful to see you again! I'm so glad you've found Commander, I mean Captain, Chakotay. With a certain admiral in common, I'm sure you'll have a lot to talk about! Where is your little Kevin today? Is he on the holodeck?"

"He is," Mark answered.

"Having a wonderful time, no doubt. Oh, to be young, carefree, and living in this century! But what can I get you, Dr Johnson? The usual?"

"Please."

"Then one black coffee coming up."

With that, Neelix left, and Mark turned his attention back to Chakotay. The former First Officer was gazing vacantly into his coffee.

"I'm sure Kathryn had her reasons for not telling you," Mark said kindly. "There's such a thing as a white lie. Maybe it made things less awkward in the early years, and afterwards, after I'd married, there was no need to tell you as it was no longer an issue."

Chakotay said nothing. It was quite possible that Mark was right, but there was something about this that felt so wrong.

"Kathryn is...complicated," Mark went on. "I've never understood her. I've tried, God knows I have, but she doesn't make it easy. She always kept a part of herself back from me, even when we were a couple, especially then, and I never knew where I was. The truth is, I don't think she felt for me what I felt for her. She certainly didn't feel for me what she'd felt for Justin...her fiancé that died. I'd always known that, but I was so in love with her that I thought it didn't matter. As long as she loved me a little bit, I thought we'd be ok. Because she did love me, I know that, but I don't think more than a friend. I think I was a safe bet, a friend that she loved and trusted, a civilian in a safe job. After losing Justin she kept a tight reign on her heart. She had a lot of men, but nothing serious. She liked to play fast and loose. But I think she'd reached a stage in her life where she wanted to settle down and have kids. I don't think she was ever in love me. I think I was just good husband and father material."

"That doesn't sound like Kathryn," Chakotay said quietly.

"Well, maybe you just don't know her as well as you think you do. And I mean that with all due respect. I've known her a lifetime in a personal capacity, you only a few years in a professional." He paused. "Did she sleep around on Voyager? I mean, with aliens?"

Chakotay was a moment in answering. "If you're asking if she was unfaithful to you, then the answer is no."

These words seemed to comfort Mark, but there was still a sadness in his eyes. "I'm surprised. Perhaps I shouldn't be, because if there's one thing Kathryn is, it's loyal, but with her track record...I'm surprised. I suppose she made up for lost time after she got my letter."

"No," Chakotay said. "She only had one serious relationship, and that was under mind-control."

"I'm not talking about the serious. It never had to be serious for Kathryn. She never liked the serious. All she wanted was...well, let's just say she would sleep with strangers but she wouldn't sleep with me. But that's...that's getting too personal."

Neelix returned now, a cup of steaming black coffee in his hands. "There you go, Dr Johnson. One hot black coffee, just as you like it."

"Thank you," Mark said.

"I apologize for the delay," the holographic Talaxian went on. "I'm swept off my feet today, as you can see. Anything else I can get you?"

"No, thank you."

"Then I'm afraid I must serve you and leave you. See you later, gentlemen."

As Neelix left, Mark picked up his coffee. "I still care for Kathryn," he said, "and I hope I haven't said anything out of place. I'm not sure why I've said so much, really. I suppose because talking about the past opens up old wounds. I hope I haven't offended you."

"No," Chakotay replied. "I appreciate your openness." Suddenly feeling as though the air was too thin, yet so heavy it was choking, Chakotay got to his feet. "Well, I'd better be going. I'm leaving for Trebus tomorrow so I have a lot to do."

"I'm sure," Mark answered, somewhat sadly. "Have a good trip."

"I will. Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

Chakotay then turned around and left.

END OF CHAPTER ONE