After
By Misha
Disclaimer- Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling and is not mine, however much I might wish differently. However, I am not making any money off of this, so please do not sue me!
Author's Notes- This is just a short, angsty Harry piece set after the end of OotP, it's my first piece dealing with Sirius' death. It took me over a year to accept it, I guess. This piece is personal for me, in a way it was therapy because I poured a lot of my own pain and loss into it. In the last year, I lost someone very dear to me suddenly and tragically, and that's probably why I was able to start writing Post-OotP pieces, because I now understand grief. I'm not sure this is my best work, but I know if anything I've written in the last six months is my best work... I'm not the audience, so I'm not going to decide, tell me what you think, feedback is, as always, very much appreciated. Thank you, now enjoy!
Summery- Harry grieves the loss of someone close to him.
Rating- PG-13
Spoilers- All five books, but big ones for OotP, so if you haven't read that, don't read this.
I miss you. So much that it hurts.
But then, everything hurts. I didn't know anything could hurt this much.
It's been over a month and it still tears me apart. The worst part is, a part of me still hasn't accepted that you're gone.
I often pick up a pen to write to you and then have to stop myself. Because you're gone. I'll never see or talk to you again.
It's over. Just like that.
One moment you were there, the next you were gone.
And I'm left with this terrible, aching emptiness. Everything hurts.
Because you're not here.
I'm so used to you being here.
It's strange, you were only in my life a few years, yet you came to mean more to me than any other living person.
You were more than my godfather. I mean, I didn't know my parents and you were the only connection to them that I had, and you were kind of like a parent too me.
But you were also fun, like a big brother. I was so happy when I found you. You filled the emptiness in my life and now you're gone and there's an emptiness that will never be filled.
Because you're not there and no one can ever take your place.
No, for the rest of my life, I'm left with this emptiness. This void no one else can ever fill. Because no one else will ever be you.
I miss you more than words can ever say.
I just want to close my eyes and have you be there again. I want it all to be one terrible dream.
But it's not. It's real.
You're gone and you're not coming back. I never get to see you again.
I still can't believe that. Can't accept it. That in an instant it can all be over. That someone I loved so much can be gone just like that. That I'll never hear your voice again, never spend another moment with you. It doesn't seem fair.
We didn't have enough time together. Only a few years, not nearly enough. Whenever I thought of the future, of a time after this war was over, I pictured you there.
I couldn't imagine you not being there. I dreamed of your name being cleared and being able to go live with you, spending time catching up on the years that Wormtail robbed from you, from both of us.
But that'll never happen.
It's not fair. I already lost my parents, why did I lose you too?
Sometimes, I think if I close my eyes and wish hard enough, I'll open them and find that it was all a dream. That you're still here.
But of course that won't happen. Nothing will bring you back, just like nothing will ever bring my parents back.
I still don't understand it. How in one moment my entire life can change just like that. How in one stupid moment you can be gone.
There's so much I want to tell you, wanted to ask you, but now I'll never get a chance.
It's not fair. Nothing about this is fair.
It's not fair that I had to lose you so soon after I found you. It's not fair that Remus had to lose the last of his old friends. And it's certainly not fair that you had to lose your life.
You had already lost so much of it to Azkaban and a few more to being a fugitive. You should have gotten a long, happy life as a free man, but I guess it wasn't meant to be.
I'm not sure why. But there's a lot in this life I don't think I'm ever going to understand.
All I understand is that I miss you and that it's hurts so badly. I just wish you were here again, yet I know you never will be.
You're gone and nothing will ever bring you back. Still I miss you.
The End