Getting back to Sweetwater from James Creek might have been the longest ride of Jimmy's life to that point. A ride is always longer when you don't want to go and for sure he did not want to make this journey. Sure he cared for the people back in Sweetwater. They had been a family to him and tried to help him see his own worth. But he loved Alice. She made him think he could be that better man he strived to be, that a woman could see past the guns and love him. He would have been proud to send word that he was staying away to be a husband and maybe even someday a father. It really is what they would want for him. It didn't seem like he had known Alice long enough to be in love with her but he was all the same. Love would never make the slightest bit of sense to him and yet he wanted it. He wanted her.
When he rode into the station he was almost chagrined that Ike was there volunteering to see to his horse. It was a kind gesture and one he wouldn't refuse but still he had hoped to be able to slip into the barn by himself. It would have given him a little more time alone with the memory of her gentle eyes and soft lips.
Instead of those extra moments he might have had with his memories and the thoughts where he wondered, 'what if' he made his way into the bunkhouse and dropped his things on his bunk before unbuckling his gun belts and hanging them by the door, just as he had hung them by the door at the Bruderhof. He had been fascinated with guns as far back as he could remember and learned to shoot at the earliest chance he had. It had never occurred to him that there might be people who eschewed such things and lived a life totally devoid of them. It further had never entered his mind that he could ever be one of those people. He had actually found their beliefs laughable when he had first arrived but soon saw the beauty of the simple and honest life they led. Holding himself to their convictions and solving a problem without guns or violence of any kind felt good. He hadn't felt lesser for taking the guns off. He had felt lighter and like maybe he could be a better man. He realized the best version of himself wasn't the one who had shot people down in the street. The guns were something to hide behind and an excuse to cling to old hurts.
He shook his head to clear the thought of the way the children had taken so quickly to him, how Jacob had called him family, how Alice had giggled and blushed at him like a schoolgirl one moment and then kissed him with the fiery passion of a woman the next. That was gone, left behind in James Creek.
A short while later, he sat down to supper and he was immediately questioned as to what had delayed him. If he was honest he'd admit that he was surprised it had taken them that long to ask. He had expected the barrage of questions when he first walked through the door but his friends had been uncharacteristically patient. Of course he had looked as though he might consider shooting the first one who talked to him. But now they wanted to know and he had to tell them something. He explained only that he had stepped in to assist a group of unarmed people who were being attacked and was injured. It was the truth or some of it at least. He decided it was enough of it for those around him. He just wasn't ready to share his memories with anyone and frankly he didn't want to talk about his romantic failure with the guys.
Jimmy knew he was acting strange and he knew the others were noticing. Teaspoon tried to talk to him and so did Rachel and he brushed them both off. He was quieter than normal and quicker to say something smart ass rather than deal with anything. He thought of Alice while he did his chores, while he rode, while he ate and really any time he could get people to stop nagging at him to talk and act normal. His snide comments were just a way to have more time to think on her. He couldn't even understand why he was torturing himself so over someone he could not have. And the more he thought about her the more he wondered if it was even Alice he longed for or just the hope she gave him for that brief time. Finally he concluded one could not be separated from the other.
The worst of it was the lovebirds at the station. Kid and Lou were fighting and it killed him. They loved each other and that just didn't seem to be enough. Of course maybe he understood too well that love wasn't always enough, that there were many things that would rise above and overshadow love. He loved Alice and she loved him and if that was all it took then he would be in James Creek instead of Sweetwater.
He watched Kid try to make Lou into something she wasn't and he watched Lou ignore Kid's feelings for her own. He could see both sides but then he couldn't see either of them.
"What do you think?" the words cut into his thoughts about Alice and made him jump and want to tear into whoever had disturbed him. But there was Lou with her great big eyes and he couldn't stay too mad. "About me and the Kid, I mean."
He'd danced around the subject and tried to get each of them to come to conclusions on their own. Hell, he looked at himself and knew he wasn't qualified to give any advice at all. They should go to Teaspoon…or Rachel, anyone but him. He just couldn't take it anymore.
"I think you're both selfish," he said sharply, "And I think no matter what I say you're going to do whatever you damn well please anyway."
Lou looked shocked for a moment and then did her best to collect herself. It wasn't the first time she'd been snapped at by Jimmy and she doubted it would be the last. He had a temper and he wasn't always comfortable with his feelings. She knew something was eating at him and she knew she hadn't been a good enough friend to him since he got back from James Creek. Everything had been about her and Kid and then her some more. Lou took a deep breath and spoke.
"What really happened in James Creek, Jimmy?"
"I told you all what happened," he growled low almost under his breath.
"You haven't been yourself since you got back," she said flatly, "Something happened you didn't tell us. Maybe someone you met?"
Jimmy stood motionless for a while. He was torn. Maybe it would be good to talk to someone about everything that happened. Talking meant that she wasn't just his anymore though and a part of him wanted to keep Alice all to himself.
Lou watched Jimmy knowing that it might take a while whatever it was that he had to say. But he stood without moving, without even looking at her so long she nearly walked away thinking maybe to try again later.
"Alice," he said at last and it was so soft Lou almost didn't catch it. She moved closer to better hear anything else he had to say. "Her name was Alice."
He had been leaning against the side of the barn and at the mere thought of her name the strength seemed to go out from his legs and he slid down the wall until he hit the ground and just sat there leaning against the barn and looking out at nothing. It seemed he looked at nothing but Lou could tell he was seeing something and guessed it was Alice. Lou found a spot of ground next to him and sat herself down as well.
"Tell me about her," she said. This was obviously not just some girl he happened on in a saloon. There was something special about this woman. Perhaps he had even loved her.
"She was sweet and tender," he began, "Her eyes would sparkle and she could tease me something awful but it never felt mean. She had such hurt, Lou. Bad things happened in her life and she could've gotten hard or ugly at the world but she just got more loving and found more reasons to laugh. Alice saw something in me I don't think another soul ever has, except maybe Emma and I think Emma just wanted it to be there. I don't think she really saw it. Alice, though, she saw this man inside me who was good and just."
"You are a good man, Jimmy," Lou assured him.
"Not as good as I could be," he said absently, "Not as good as I was when I was with her."
"You said the people you helped was unarmed."
"They don't believe in guns or bloodshed."
Lou stifled a chuckle, "What did they think of you riding up with those guns strapped to you?"
"Oh, they liked me fine once I took 'em off," he said and Lou just stared at him. "You heard right, Lou, I took off my guns for her. It wasn't a hard choice. It felt good...lighter, easier, maybe even right. I had half a mind to stay with her and her people. They'd've let me too."
"What happened?" Lou asked knowing that it was selfish to be so glad that something had happened to bring him back home and not caring that she was selfish at all.
"Man name of Tyler came looking for me," he said with disgust, "Reminded me there'll always be men coming to look for me. Maybe I could've still thought about staying but the look on her face when I shot him…I knew I'd never look at her again without seeing that look. It wasn't what I expected. I guess I thought she'd be driven away, that she'd find me revolting. But she was angry and she was frightened and I let my guard down enough to almost get myself killed. I couldn't stay. I couldn't bring fear or anger into her world and I can't afford to relax and stop looking over my shoulder."
Lou didn't even know what to say. She just sat looking at her hands. A hawk called out in the distance but she barely registered the sound. She had been a lousy friend. She had been selfish as he had said. The entire time he'd been home and she'd been hounding him for advice on her love life and all the while she should have been noticing his sadness and that he needed to talk too.
"I'm sorry, Jimmy," she said and she was. As much as it hurt to know that she might never have seen him again, she knew that he deserved to be happy and this Alice lady made him happy.
"She begged me to stay," he said his voice hollow and haunted, "She begged and I told her I couldn't. I think now maybe I could've but I was just…"
His voice trailed not because he didn't know how to finish the thought but because he couldn't utter that thought out loud, not to Lou and maybe not even to himself. He was too scared. That's all it amounted to. He was too scared to leave the life he knew even though he hated it. He would rather stick with the devil he knew over the one he did not. He wanted to jump up and tear those guns from their holsters and throw them as far as he could and head back to her. But he knew he wouldn't. He would cling to them when he could be clinging to her.
"You know what?" he said suddenly and Lou looked up at him in question. "You don't really want my advice. You don't want to know what I'd do in your shoes. Ask someone who's happy or at least someone who doesn't push happy away every time they get a taste of it."
Lou uttered a half laugh, "I do the same thing I think. I love him and I want to be with him but I think I'm just too scared of giving up too much 'cause if it don't work then I have nothing left. Maybe that's why I come to you."
"Maybe," he conceded.
"I should have asked you sooner about James Creek," she said softly, "I knew something was bothering you. I's just to wrapped up in my own worries to take notice that you was brooding different than usual."
"Brooding different?" he asked as a smile started to play at the corners of his mouth.
"Yeah," she said, "You always brood but lately you're in more of a sulk and usually you're just quiet but since you got back you've been near to mean. I'm a lousy friend not to've asked sooner. I'm sorry, Jimmy. I really am."
"I know you are, Lou," he said pulling her into a hug, "I shouldn't've snapped at you."
"Yes you should," she said hugging him back, "I kind of deserved it. I think I saw Rachel fixing to do some baking. Maybe we should find her before Cody does."
"Sure Lou," he said, "Right behind you."
And he was but even has he ambled along behind her he thought of Alice's pleading eyes begging him to stay and wondered again what had possessed him to choose the guns on his hips over her.
I always wondered how Lou knew about Alice when she mentioned her in "Color Blind". So I asked Jimmy and this is how he said it went down.-J