A/N: This is kind of an AU.
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars, or any of its characters, or anything to do with it for that matter. George Lucas owns it, and although I love SW, I don't want to own it! There is no profit to be made off of this story, it is for fun only!
In Her Shoes
Jaina Solo was sitting alone in her quarters after her brother Anakin's funeral. She was trying to take her mind off how sad she was, and the fact that both of her brothers's were dead. It seemed as though the only thing that distracted her from her sadness was by reminding herself how furious she was at Kyp Durron.
*Kriff, sometimes I just want to kill that Sith lord, he just makes me so mad. He had no right going in my room to get my stuff. Maybe I didn't want to go to Anakin's funeral. Kyp Durron is such a selfish jerk. He actually thinks that I will respect him after all that he has done? I can't believe I ever trusted him. *
At the exact moment she finished thinking this she heard a voice in her head. The voice sounded very familiar. That voice belonged to none other than Kyp Durron.
*Now, now Jaina. No need for name-calling!*
*Shavit Kyp, stay out of my mind! * She yelled through the Force, as she slammed down her mental barriers.
"Kriffin Sith Lord." Jaina said exasperated.
After this little episode, she decided that she would turn in for the night. She went for a shower, and tried her hand at some meditating in an attempt to clear her mind before bed. Deeming it unsuccessful, she climbed into bed. It had been a long, eventful, and depressing day. Sleep had been eluding her ever since the mission to Myrkr. She needed this rest just to be able to maintain her sanity.
Sleep that night did not come easy. She was plagued by visions of Anakin and Jacen's demise. The mental picture of Anakin with the thermal detonator in his hand etched in her mind, the look on his face when he told everyone to run. 'Kiss Tahiri for me.' Jacen's going after the voxyn, and never returning. These among many other things added to the trauma that was the mission to Myrkr. Trauma from which Jaina felt like she might never recover.
Jaina woke up in a cold sweat.
She looked over at the chrono, she had been asleep for 8 hours.
"Well at least I actually slept." She said to no one in particular
There was no point in attempting to fall back to sleep. The visions were waiting for her. They would be there the next time she closed her eyes. She decided to go for a walk down to the hangar. There was bound to be someone there, because many of the people go out to tapcafs when they should be sleeping.
She arrived at the hangar to see that there was no one around, which was very strange. She turned on her heel, and headed back toward her room.
On her way back to her to her quarters she ran into someone. That someone was Jagged Fel.
"Good morning to you too Lieutenant Solo" Jag said.
"Good morning Colonel." Jaina greeted back.
"What brings you out this early in the morning?" he asked
"Well," Jaina answered "apart from the fact that I couldn't sleep, nothing. I have a lot of things on my mind."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Jag asked
"I don't need you to pretend like you care Jag. I'm sure you have better things to do with your time."
"I do care, but that isn't the point." Jag said "It's just that I know that how hard it can be to have things on your mind and try to think clearly at the same time. Sometimes it can be helpful to talk about it."
"You really want to listen to me vent?" Jaina asked sarcastically.
"Believe me, I don't have anything that I would rather be doing." Jag replied
They sat down on the floor in the hall.
"Alright." Jaina replied "It just seems to me that this war will never end. I mean when will the killing stop? Firstly, Mara is secretly infected with that mysterious disease by Nom Anor, then Chewie is killed at Sernpidal, and now Jacen and Anakin are dead. It doesn't seem to ever let up. Everything is just so dark. The only light in this whole situation is when Mara gave birth to Ben, but she almost died in the process."
"But she didn't, and she is doing much better now isn't she?" Jag asked
"Yes, she is coomb spore free thank the Force. Like I said, that is the one ray of light in this whole situation. The galaxy is still so dark. Worlds are being invaded, and homes are being broken." She said, "Look at my family; they didn't have the easiest time of things after Chewie was killed. It took them so long to be able to figure things out. Just when things are starting to look better, my brothers are killed at the hands of the Yuuzhan Vong. My mother is an emotional wreck, my father is trying to be strong for her sake, my uncle Luke is blaming himself, and Mara is being tough but grieving in her own way I guess." She sighed.
"Well everyone has there own way of dealing with death." Jag stated
"I suppose. I feel so sad for my mother though. She is still insisting that Jacen survived. I felt him go, and I can't communicate with him through the twin bond, so he must be dead. My mother is relying on false hopes, everyone else felt him die. He is dead, why can't she just accept it?" Jaina said exasperated
"Maybe she is just trusting her feelings." Jag said
"All she would need to do is reach out through the Force to know the truth." Jaina said puzzled
"No, I don't mean the Force Jaina, I mean a mother's intuition, a mother's feelings." Jag pointed out to a puzzled Jaina "When my oldest brother and younger sister died my mother was relying on some false hope that they were alive, but inside she knew that false hope was all that it was." He explained, "There is almost nothing as accurate as a mother's intuition. So maybe in this it isn't false hope, and he is alive. One thing is for sure, I hope that your brother is alive because I know what the death of my siblings did to my mother, and I would never wish that kind of emotional turmoil on anyone, even my worst enemies."
"I can see what it has done to my mother already, and she is trying to appear strong, but I could never imagine what it had done to your mother to lose two of her children." Jaina added
"My family was never the same, not just in numbers, but emotionally. My parents were never the same. My mother was in a way, like your mother is now, an emotional wreck, but she was worse than your mother. My father on the other hand, he withdrew from everyone in a way, everyone except for my mother. He was there for her, even if he wasn't there for us, he would just bury himself in work." Jag said solemnly
"I don't think that I have ever seen my father as bad as he was after Chewie died." Jaina recalled, "The really sad thing is that he didn't seem like the father I had known all my life; he was a completely different person. I was always used to my parents bickering at each other, their little play fights, but after Chewie died, they would scream at each other." Jaina said, staring at the floor " I was lucky that I wasn't at home a lot of the time, I wouldn't have been able to take it everyday. I was home a couple of times to see their fights, and it was enough to make me want to breakdown and cry. Jacen witnessed far more of their fights than I did. He told me some of the things that were said, and I couldn't believe what I was hearing, the words were so harsh. I really didn't want to believe that he was telling the truth, but I could tell through the Force that he was. After hearing what he had to say, I really thought that reconciliation was farther than ever away."
Jaina shook her head and continued, "I knew that my mother was tough, - tougher than I give her credit for actually - but some days I thought that she was ready to throw in the towel. It took so much out of her not knowing where her husband was, if he was going to come home that night, or whether he was drunk. I have to admit that I really didn't think that their marriage would make it through. Jacen once asked this question, that I couldn't answer. He would ask 'We might make it through this war, but will our family survive it?' With everything that has happened since the war started, I still don't feel like I can answer that question with any level of confidence."
"I know that as pilots, we really only live one day at a time. It's difficult to be able to see past the skirmish in your scopes. I do feel as though you need to feel like there is some positive outcomes to look forward to." Jag stated
"That from someone who is as grim as you are? Really?" Jaina said incredulously.
"I may be grim," Jag pointed out "but I do have hope. Having hope and being grim are two completely different things. I have hope that I will make it through this war because there are a lot of things that I want to do in life. Besides, I have learned that being grim is not the only way to live." Jag smiled
"Well well, someone has been paying attention to the rebel ways." Jaina commented sarcastically
"I pay far more attention than I get credit for." Jag stated
Jaina smirked and looked at her chrono "I hate to end our discussion, but I have a meeting to go to. It was a nice talk."
"It was fun, and enlightening." Jag said with a smirk on his face "We should continue this again sometime."
"I look forward to it." Jaina agreed