Dan wanted to scream as he stared at the darkness that coated his bedroom. Depression had been gradually sucking the life out of him when suddenly it pulled Dan further down the dark hole. It wasn't even three in the morning and Dan hadn't slept in nearly 24 hours. He was lucky if he got two hours of sleep a night. Dan was sick of feeling so dead all the time. What could he do about it though? He didn't know what to do. Should he tell Phil? Did Phil even suspect anything? What scared Dan the most was the fact he had convinced himself that maybe his best friend just didn't care.
Phil sighed softly turning over in bed. he just couldn't sleep and he didn't know why. he tried to snuggle into his covers to get more comfortable but he just couldn't. he sighed loudly as he sat up. he could try get a hot drink or something. that was supposed to work. maybe he could go see if Dan was awake. he had been staying up this late for a while now. Phil got out of bed and stretched slightly. he made his way out of his room and headed towards the kitchen. he stopped outside Dan's door, letting a small sigh pass his lips as he knocked softly "Dan?..."
Dan stiffened as he heard his name called and got out of bed and opened his door. "Yes?" Dan asked, blinking a couple of times.
"I... uh...I was wondering if you wanted some hot chocolate or something" he said, trying to hide the shock in his voice. Dan looked terrible. "it um...it might help you sleep"
"Tried that last week but sure, why the hell not," Dan shrugged and flipped on the hallway lights and walked into the kitchen
Phil followed him, studying his friends face. what was wrong with Dan? he just...he didn't look like he normally did "is...is there something wrong?" he asked quietly
"Of course not," Dan laughed at Phil. He was trying to keep up a happy persona which was easy for him considering all of his years of acting. Dan started to boil some water and sat on the counter.
Phil bit his lip then walked closer to Dan. he looked into his eyes, frowning slightly "you may say that...but...you're eyes are telling me that's not the case..."
Dan looked away. He knew he could play off everything as happy but the brokenness in his eyes couldn't be hidden. He had no idea what to say.
Phil lightly touched Dan's hand "tell me...please"
Dan sighed and let out a small laugh before turning to face Phil. "Remember a few years ago?" Dan asked.
Phil gave him a confused look "what?..."
"Do you remember how we became friends and how you were always there for me because I was depressed?" Dan said to clarify.
"yes...but...what does that..." he asked slowly, not really understanding.
Dan smiled at how oblivious Phil was. "And remember how I was so self loathing and even suicidal for a bit," Dan continued softly.
"yes...wait...you don't mean..." he trailed off, not wanting to think those sorts of negative thoughts. Dan wasn't depressed, he was fine, he had been fine for ages...or was he?. Phil felt tears stinging his eyes, had he really been that oblivious he hadn't noticed his best friend acting like this.
"Yes, yes, I am depressed. It's so much worse than last time though. You don't know how close I've come to suicide on multiple occasions," Dan whispered.
"but...but how..." he bit his lip harshly "how could I have not noticed?" he clenched his fists, tears now dripping down his pale cheeks.
"Don't blame yourself. I'm good at hiding these things. It's amazing you've noticed anyway," Dan murmured as he wiped at Phil's tears with his thumb.
Phil shook his head as he looked into Dan's eyes "why didn't you tell me!?" he almost shouted as he sobbed loudly.
Dan flinched in fear at the sudden loudness. "I'm sorry," Dan looked down.
Phil quickly pulled Dan off the counter and wrapped his arms tightly around his friend "im sorry, I should have helped you, oh god, im such a terrible friend"
"You're not terrible. It's fine," Dan promised as he rested his head on Phil's.
"no...I am...I should have realised...I..." he almost whispered
"Phil, it's fine," Dan repeated and hugged Phil tightly. "It's okay," Dan whispered, planting small kisses on Phil's head.
Phil calmed himself down. he took a deep breath then looked into Dan's eyes. "I..."
Dan held Phil's head and brushed his cheeks with his fingers. "Yeah?" Dan whispered.
Phil blushed a dark shade of red. what was he about to say? you cant just say that to your best friend. they were friends. that was it. "n-nothing" he stuttered quietly, adverting his eyes.
"Okay," Dan nodded and wrapped his arms around Phil again. "I'll be fine though, I promise. Okay? Everything is going to be fine," Dan rubbed Phil's back even though he didn't believe a word he said. Everything was going downhill and Dan knew he was going to break soon.
"I love you" he mumbled softly, half hoping Dan wouldn't hear him.
"I love you too," Dan smiled and squeezed Phil closer to his body.
Phil hugged Dan back tightly, closing his eyes. he didn't want to let go, ever.
"You're so clingy," Dan laughed but he didn't object as he hugged Phil back. He would happily stay in Phil's arms forever.
"only cause you're so huggable" he said softly. he pulled away from Dan just enough to gaze into those brown eyes "please don't do anything stupid...I..." he looked down then back up again, a deep blush covering his face "I don't think I could live without"
Dan's hands found their way to Phil's waist as he rested his forehead against Phil's. "You can definitely live without me," Dan said, brown eyes pouring into blue.
"No...I...I think" he stuttered, not exactly sure what he was about to say.
Dan pressed a small kiss to Phil's nose before pulling away and sitting on the counter again. "You'll find a new best friend. Someone much better than me," Dan said. Maybe this new best friend wouldn't be an idiot and fall in love with Phil like Dan did.
"NO!" he looked into Dan's eyes again with a desperate look in his eyes "I cant ever find anyone like you…because...because" he let a small sob escape his lips "I love you...I really do...im such an idiot for only realising now I...I love you"
"Why?, You love me? As a friend way or are you in love with me?" Dan frowned. He didn't think anyone could ever love him.
"I'm in love with you...I...I really am" he tried to say as confidently as he could. it was so embarrassing to say thing out loud but he had too.
"Why?" Dan asked looking down at him. Sitting on the counter made him even more taller than Phil. He put a hand on the back of Phil's head and tugged at his hair gently.
"I...I don't know...you're just...you. you're amazing, even though you were depressed when we meet, i still thought you were the most amazing person in the world" the tears started to drip down his cheeks again "Please...please don't...I need you...please"
Dan placed a long kiss on Phil's forehead. "Don't cry, love. Even if I do kill myself just know that I will never stop loving you," Dan murmured.
"Don't leave me, please" he begged, sobbing loudly again. he felt as though his heart was breaking in two. he couldn't handle this pain. it hurt so much.
Dan wrapped his arms around Phil. "Maybe I can overcome this depression. I will try for you and only you. But I'm still very suicidal," Dan whispered. He hated seeing someone in as much pain as he was all the time.
Phil couldn't even form words anymore he just continued to sob. he was scared, no, terrified. he didn't want to lose Dan. he just couldn't live without him.
"Oh Phil," Dan whispered with a sigh. "Everything will be okay, my love. I promise that I will try to work through everything because I am in love with you. I don't like seeing you in so much pain, darling," Dan murmured as he rubbed Phil's back.
Phil tried his best to hold back a sob as he leaned up and connected their lips together softly. he really was in love with his best friend, why had he only realised this now?
Dan kissed back gently. "Look at me. I'm Dan Howell. I'm 21. I'm depressed. I'm suicidal. I'm a popular YouTuber. And I'm in love with my best friend," Dan mumbled as he parted lips slightly.
Phil pulled away slightly "you forgot to mention one thing" he said softly.
"What did I forget?" Dan raised an eyebrow and smiled.
"you're beautiful" he added as a small smile tugged at the corners of his lips.
"If you say so," Dan grinned at him.
"you are, really" he hugged Dan again, blushing crimson as he realised how embarrassing that was.
"Not as much as you though. You're so perfect," Dan said.
"no im not...you are though, perfect in every way imaginable" he almost whispered.
"No I'm not," Dan sighed and pulled back. He jumped off the counter so he could be eye level with Phil. "I am not perfect," Dan said again.
"you are... to me anyway. you're everything I ever wanted. you may think you have a lot of flaws but...to me, you are perfect." he said softly, smiling as he looked into Dan's eyes.
"Thanks," Dan blushed. He was never good at taking compliments.
Phil giggled softly. he knew he shouldn't be laughing at a time like this but he couldn't help it. Dan just looked so adorable.
"Time for bed?" Dan asked. He didn't think he'd be able to sleep but he just wanted to lay down.
"sleep with me?" he blushed deeply as he realised how wrong that sounded "n-not like that I mean, come to my room, my bed...please?"
"Well, Philip, we only just announced our love for each other. It's quite sudden," Dan joked with a wink.
Phil blushed a darker shade of red "s-shudup..." he mumbled childishly as he took Dan's hand in his.
"Although I've been told I give a great blowjob," Dan laughed as he laced their fingers together.
"Dannnnnnnnnnnnn" Phil whined with a playful smile on his face. he gently tugged Dan towards his doom "come on...or I might have to insist that you swallow " he mumbled giggling to himself
"I don't mind swallowing," Dan giggled playfully.
Phil opened his bedroom door then led Dan inside "you're sleeping in here if you like it or not" he said, in what he thought was a stern voice.
"I'm sure I'll accommodate," Dan sat on the edge of Phil's bed with a smirk on his face.
Phil shut his door then sat beside Dan on the bed, blushing slightly. he was kinda nervous now.
"I do only just want to lay down and rest," Dan said, his tone turning serious.
"o-of course...what else would we being doing - I mean would happen" he laughed nervously, mentally kicking himself. Phil quickly lifted up the covers and slipped underneath them, motioning for Dan to join him.
"Yeah, that would be way too soon," Dan laughed along with Phil as he turned a dark shade of red and got into the covers.
Phil wrapped his arms around Dan tightly, smiling to himself "I love you" he whispered, pulling his friend closer.
"I love you too," Dan smiled contently. He wanted to ask Phil what this made them. Boyfriends? Best friends who kiss? Or was there even a label to define them? Did there have to be?
Phil closed his eyes, still smiling. he wasn't quite sure what was going to happen to them. but as long as he kept Dan in his arms. the brown haired boy would never get away from him. Phil wouldn't let him. he'd become way too attached to his...friend?. whatever Dan was to him now.
Dan smiled and let out a happy sigh in Phil's arms. Being with Phil made Dan feel safe and protected and loved. He was able to fall asleep right away for the first time in a while.
"I'll never let you go, ever. so don't ever let me fall either" he whispered a he gently kissed Dan's head.