"I'm Still Here"
A look into John's head after X2.
Disclaimers: Nope, I don't own John, I just like playing with him... oh, and please don't sue me over the title and quote, please! I documented!
* * * "And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change,
They're the ones that stay the same.
They can't see me,
But I'm still here." -Johnny Rzeznik "I'm Still Here"
* * *
If there's one thing I learned from Bobby Drake, it's that life really sucks sometimes. I mean, it's not like he wanted a family of assholes, but hey, you know what they say.
Yes, the mysterious "they". The ones that hover over your shoulder and control the universe. Frankly, "they" say a lot of things, and most of it is bull.
Still, I guess I could have laid off on the fire a little. But turning it off once i'm going isn't like flipping a goddamned switch. Not like Bobby's powers. They don't understand that. They never did. No one there is like me, none of their powers are seductive like mine.
Bobby would say i'm just making up excuses. That seems to be what i'm best at afterall, besides disappointing everybody around me. I'm just the local screw-up. Always have been, always will be. The one everyone blames everything on, even if I had nothing to do with it just 'cause the teachers will believe it. I've covered Bobby and Rouge's asses before, they just never found out. Now, I don't think they ever will.
Sometimes I wish I could go home. The insititute, I mean. It's not a school, not a prison or a training facility to me. It's just home. It's the only place where people weren't beating me up just 'cause i'm a mutant. No drunk parents to deal with, no excuses for missing baseball games, or other stuff since I never played sports. But I know i'm not welcome at the insitute anymore. I don't think I was for a while. A freak among freaks, that's what I am.
Half the time I wondered if Bobby ever really liked me. I remember when we first met. I'd been at the Insitute for a while. I was the school troublemaker and wannabe bad-boy. He was the likable new kid who always followed the rules. I don't know what he saw in me. Mabye he wanted to reform me. I don't know. It was cool for a while. I wasn't alone. After Rouge showed up, it all changed. It's not like i'm blaming her or anything. I just kinda felt like the third wheel after she came. Like the babysitter, or the loser who can't get a life of his own.
I guess that's all I ever was.
Now I don't think I really want to be here, with Magneto. He and Mystique still treat me like a little kid. They still try to tell me that i'm not ready for a mission, that I need to hone my powers. I'm starting to think I don't belong anywhere. With anyone. Like the bad-boy and love paradox. Yeah, I heard Logan and Professor Grey when we were grounded out in the woods. I wasn't trying to evesdrop, but you try sharing a tent with Bobby and Rouge in apocolypse mode. Like Ms. Grey said: Girls flirt with the bad boy, but they don't take him home. They marry the good one. They end up happily ever after with the Scott Summers and the Bobby Drakes of the world. But where does that leave the rest of us? Alone, as always. It's not like anyone really cares. It's not like anyone wants me. It's not like i'm worth anything to them. I didn't mean much to my dad or he wouldn't have left. I didn't mean much to my mom or she would have paid more attention. And I sure as hell didn't mean anything at all to my stepdad or he wouldn't have beat me for any reason he could think of. So why would they care if I never came back? What good had I ever done them? Nada. Nothing. I owe them everything, but they owe me nothing.
So i'm stuck. A part of me is guilty about leaving. I still can't figure out why. Mabye it's just that I miss everything and everyone there. I miss waking Bobby up by dumping hot water on him. I miss Mr. Summers chasing us around the school after pulling some stupid stunt. I miss English. I don't know. I guess it's stupid for me to miss them, miss all of it, so much, but that's how I feel.
And here I go complaining about things that can't be changed. I tried to be the good guy, then I tried to be the badass. Mabye I should have tried being myself. Too late now. Too late for everything. No one can see me, and no one really cares. But i'm still here.
Disclaimers: Nope, I don't own John, I just like playing with him... oh, and please don't sue me over the title and quote, please! I documented!
* * * "And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change,
They're the ones that stay the same.
They can't see me,
But I'm still here." -Johnny Rzeznik "I'm Still Here"
* * *
If there's one thing I learned from Bobby Drake, it's that life really sucks sometimes. I mean, it's not like he wanted a family of assholes, but hey, you know what they say.
Yes, the mysterious "they". The ones that hover over your shoulder and control the universe. Frankly, "they" say a lot of things, and most of it is bull.
Still, I guess I could have laid off on the fire a little. But turning it off once i'm going isn't like flipping a goddamned switch. Not like Bobby's powers. They don't understand that. They never did. No one there is like me, none of their powers are seductive like mine.
Bobby would say i'm just making up excuses. That seems to be what i'm best at afterall, besides disappointing everybody around me. I'm just the local screw-up. Always have been, always will be. The one everyone blames everything on, even if I had nothing to do with it just 'cause the teachers will believe it. I've covered Bobby and Rouge's asses before, they just never found out. Now, I don't think they ever will.
Sometimes I wish I could go home. The insititute, I mean. It's not a school, not a prison or a training facility to me. It's just home. It's the only place where people weren't beating me up just 'cause i'm a mutant. No drunk parents to deal with, no excuses for missing baseball games, or other stuff since I never played sports. But I know i'm not welcome at the insitute anymore. I don't think I was for a while. A freak among freaks, that's what I am.
Half the time I wondered if Bobby ever really liked me. I remember when we first met. I'd been at the Insitute for a while. I was the school troublemaker and wannabe bad-boy. He was the likable new kid who always followed the rules. I don't know what he saw in me. Mabye he wanted to reform me. I don't know. It was cool for a while. I wasn't alone. After Rouge showed up, it all changed. It's not like i'm blaming her or anything. I just kinda felt like the third wheel after she came. Like the babysitter, or the loser who can't get a life of his own.
I guess that's all I ever was.
Now I don't think I really want to be here, with Magneto. He and Mystique still treat me like a little kid. They still try to tell me that i'm not ready for a mission, that I need to hone my powers. I'm starting to think I don't belong anywhere. With anyone. Like the bad-boy and love paradox. Yeah, I heard Logan and Professor Grey when we were grounded out in the woods. I wasn't trying to evesdrop, but you try sharing a tent with Bobby and Rouge in apocolypse mode. Like Ms. Grey said: Girls flirt with the bad boy, but they don't take him home. They marry the good one. They end up happily ever after with the Scott Summers and the Bobby Drakes of the world. But where does that leave the rest of us? Alone, as always. It's not like anyone really cares. It's not like anyone wants me. It's not like i'm worth anything to them. I didn't mean much to my dad or he wouldn't have left. I didn't mean much to my mom or she would have paid more attention. And I sure as hell didn't mean anything at all to my stepdad or he wouldn't have beat me for any reason he could think of. So why would they care if I never came back? What good had I ever done them? Nada. Nothing. I owe them everything, but they owe me nothing.
So i'm stuck. A part of me is guilty about leaving. I still can't figure out why. Mabye it's just that I miss everything and everyone there. I miss waking Bobby up by dumping hot water on him. I miss Mr. Summers chasing us around the school after pulling some stupid stunt. I miss English. I don't know. I guess it's stupid for me to miss them, miss all of it, so much, but that's how I feel.
And here I go complaining about things that can't be changed. I tried to be the good guy, then I tried to be the badass. Mabye I should have tried being myself. Too late now. Too late for everything. No one can see me, and no one really cares. But i'm still here.