Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the PPC, and Eru forbid I own the original fanfiction this is based on. If you want to read the original, it can be found on my profile page.
Dragging several duffle bags behind her, Agent Sarah (boring name extraordinaire) thrust open the door to her new department… room… response center…thing… triumphantly, looking far more rested then nearly anybody in the entire PPC Headquarters. Vacation did that, although Upstairs preferred to call it 'recuperation' in her case.
It was all the same to her. After all, it was entirely their fault that they had had one less agent working for the past few weeks. She was hardly a veteran, having only been out of training for several months, but naturally, they would place her in the one department she couldn't take the pressure of; Bad Slash.
This was not because she harboured a strong dislike of slash in general, but rather because of her loathing for any slash involving Frodo and Sam. She regarded their relationship as a sacred friendship that nobody had a right to touch or mess with. Not to mention that her fangirl lust object happened to be Frodo, although seeing as she liked him for his personality traits, he wasn't so much a lust object as Legolas was for most fangirls.
After a particularly awful Frodo/Sam slash which was very near r-rated, she suffered from a mental breakdown, and had taken a wonderful holiday in the Caribbean; the POTC continuum to be exact. She was looking forward to gloating about it. She had also taken the opportunity to practise her general weaponry skills. The psych had determined that, due to her impulses concerning injury when angry, she would be far more useful in the long run working in the Mary-Sue department.
"I'm here!" she announced cheerily to the room and its single occupant. She stepped in, dumping everything casually on the floor. She grinned widely. The one room (two if the tiny bathroom was counted) response center looked very cozy as well as neat. Directly in front of the doorway was a bearskin rug, and if one looked to the left and to the right there were beds on either side. The one on the right was clearly taken, and so she turned to the left and sat down with a bounce. Like all PPC beds, it was quite solid and rather lumpy, but it worked for her. She preferred sleeping on harder surfaces anyways. Next to her bed was a couch, and on the wall directly above it hung an impressive number of scalps on a belt, which she assumed had formerly belonged to Mary-Sues. Not a wall decoration she would choose, but her partner had been here first.
The other person glanced upwards from the book she was reading, startled. "I assume you're Agent Sarah?" she asked stiffly, rising to her feet. Sarah nodded, saluting in response.
"At your service. You must be Alana."
"The very same," answered the other agent in a short, clipped tone.
Alana was far more experienced then Sarah, having worked for the PPC for a good several years. She wanted the obnoxious newbie (well, newbie in her mind) to let her alone. But alas, such wishes could not be granted. Sarah was not exactly bubbly, but she was still delusional from her break, and had no intention of her partner remaining a stranger. And if Alana preferred solitude, tough.
"I like pineapples," she began, crossing the room to sit on the desk next to Alana's chair. "Although I like pomegranates better actually. As far as fruit goes, mango is no question the best, but guava makes the best juice. Er- nectar," she said. "Corn's good too, but the cafeteria here has that canned corn crap, except more soggy and tasteless," she added primly.
"Grapes are good, 'specially when they've been-" she paused dramatically in thought, "what's that word again? Oh yeah, fermented," she said, looking proud of herself for remembering. "'Cause that's wine, and wine's good. Well, red wine is. Not a big fan of white wine myself. Rum's still the best of course, I had a lot of it on my last vacation, but Prancing Pony beer is always good," she rambled.
"I like vodka," said Alana unexpectedly. Sarah was slightly taken aback, but her mouth kept moving.
"It's kinda strong, I don't like it that much." She jumped off the desk and began wandering around the room, ignoring her duffle bags, which were still in a heap in the doorway. "You like Evanescence then?" she asked, spotting it on a stack of CD's. Alana nodded.
"The lead singer has a gorgeous voice," she said in affirmation.
"Amy Lee? I sang My Immortal for a voice competition last year," Sarah remarked offhandedly, examining the bed which was to be hers critically. "Evanescence rules."
"Yeah," said Alana, seemingly warming up to her new partner. Sarah had managed to pass her first test in the 'people that Alana finds halfway decent' exam. Alana actually preferred people who talked a lot, seeing as she never really had very much to say, as long as they were interesting. So far, she found her partner, hippie clothes and all, interesting. "Do you-" she began, but was interrupted by the sound every exhausted PPC agent dreads.
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Scowling, she rose to her feet, setting the book (Julius Caesar) down with a thump. Sarah looked startled. "I haven't even started to unpack my stuff yet!" Alana looked grimly down at the pile of bags. She was a neat-freak; it was almost painful to see the bags aimlessly thrown about.
"You better hurry up," was her only comment, strolling to the console. "Another Sue falling into Middle Earth," she reported. "Illegitimate daughter of Elrond, can heal instantly, take on any warrior, has some prophesy made about her, weird ring shaped birthmark… called 'The Chosen One'… ugh, another Legomance too. Looks like the only thing she's got going for her is that the writing's legible."
Sarah, who had changed into her uniform and was now frantically adding random things to her 'mission pack', made a face.
"She sounds pretty cliché to me. Can this one be mine? It'll be my first one outside of training after all," she added. "I worked briefly in the Intelligence Department, and mostly in Bad Slash." Alana nodded. "Provided she doesn't mess with Faramir. Or Gimli for that matter."
"Fair 'nough."
Sarah slung her now-fully-packed bag over her shoulder.
"Hey, this your bag?" she asked, pointing to a pack sitting neatly in a corner.
"Yeah. Grab it will you?" Sarah obliged, and then almost staggered under its weight. She stared at Alana's bony form, wondering how on earth her clearly non-muscular partner carried it, as well as what on earth was in it.
"Any disguise preference?" called Alana.
"Can we be hobbits?" asked Sarah hopefully. She absolutely loved hobbits, not to mention that if one shrunk her down, she more or less looked like a hobbit anyway, with her extraordinarily curly hair (not to mention her unusually hairy feet… and legs come to think of it, thanks to her Spanish genetics). Alana shook her head.
"'Sue's landing in Rivendell… never goes to the Shire as far as I can see. Except, she starts out at her house. Er, hotel room. We can skip that though, it's boring, and it doesn't make sense."
"How typical," muttered Sarah sulkily. "Why can't they ever land in Shelob's cave or something?" She hooked her dagger belt around her waist. She could hit a target, but she had little to no talent in archery, and so her preferred weapon(s) were throwing daggers, although she liked broadswords as well.
"How about goblins?" asked Alana, ignoring Sarah's last comment.
"Sounds fine." Alana pressed the correct buttons, opening the portal and motioning for Sarah to pass through. Sarah thrust Alana's pack at her, and than jumped through for the sake of looking dramatic. Alana, after shouldering her axe (which was leaning on her bedpost) followed.
They landed in a surprisingly non-descript forest. Well, surprising, considering the fact that it was supposedly near Rivendell.
"It says there just happened to be a forest handy while she was bored at band practise," said Sarah grimly, reading the words.
"How convenient," commented Alana dryly, pulling out her notebook.
"There she is," pointed out Sarah through the trees. Carefully keeping out of sight, they watched Legolas sneak up behind Sue, and naturally, she had a 'spider sense', being a Sue, and so she spun around.
"Dina! Manke naa lle autien?"
The agents cringed as the elvish language was mangled, and Alana wrote something down in her notebook. Sarah reached into her bag, taking out her character analysis device. She pointed it at the Mary-Sue, and winced when its reading came up.
MelodyErrorLinde7893. Elf Female. Non-Canon. Mary-Sue.
"Even the device can't decide what her name is. Is this good for it?" she asked curiously. Alana shook her head, annoyed at Mary-Sue's attitude.
"You know, if some guy was pointing an arrow in my face, I wouldn't be all relaxed," she commented. She shuddered as Melody proclaimed that Legolas's last name was 'Greenleaf', and he agreed. Sarah was obviously thinking along the same vein.
"Don't these authors realise that 'Legolas' translated into English means Greenleaf?"
"Nope. This is boring."
"Greenleaf Greenleaf…" Sarah mused. "Oh, and now she faints. Poor baby."
Alana bitterly took out her Canon Analysis Device, pointing it at Legolas. It whined shrilly, but thankfully the Sue had already fainted, and Legolas couldn't hear it any more then he could see the agents. Canon characters wouldn't notice them unless the Sue pointed them out, or they brought attention to themselves on purpose.
Legolas. Male Elf. Canon. Out of Character 42.987
"It'll be worse later on," said Sarah, reading ahead. "Looks like she'll be out for a while… what do you want to do?" she asked, as they followed Legolas towards Rivendell. Alana shrugged.
"Draw I suppose."
"You draw? Awesome. I never really had talent in art, although I was okay at photography," remarked Sarah. "Painting was the worst though."
Alana nodded cautiously. "We'll be needing food too. I don't have anything to cook with in our response center yet, but I refuse to eat that 'food' served in the HQ Cafeteria." Sarah nodded in agreement. Twinkies and granola bars were the prime fare for agents while in the field, and the PPC Cafeteria was very much like a typical public school cafeteria. She usually ate it anyways.
"I have containers," continued Alana. "And tin foil." Sarah rolled her eyes.
"Considering how much that pack weighs, why am I not surprised?"
Upon reaching Rivendell, it was decided that Sarah would venture to the kitchens, while Alana sketched outside of Mary-Sue's room until she awoke. It was a rather odd sight, had any of the residents of Rivendell been able to see her. A goblin sketching a pillar with a thoughtful look on its face is certainly not a usual occurrence.
Alana was simply happy to be back in Imladris. Despite the Sues, she never tired of it. Closing her eyes, she let a soft breeze float past her, the leaves of the nearby trees gently swaying in time. This was certainly a place that she would consider retiring to, as an elf naturally. If only it could stay like this forever…
"Um..come in."
Cursing the Sue, she quickly scanned over what she had missed. Nothing much it seemed, just a typical blab about how much Mary-Sue hated dresses. Very few Mary-Sues seemed to like dresses, and seldom did they have a logical explanation for their strange hatred. And god, she had said that there were Celtic carvings on her headboard. Honestly. She peeked through the open window; Arwen had walked in. Still sulking about her interrupted moment of peace, she followed them from a safe distance behind, grimacing as the two began talking.
"So, what did you mean earlier by me taking a mighty fall?"
"Oh, well, when Legolas brought you her-" "Legolas?" "Yes, he said he found you alone in the woods across the river, and you fainted at the very sight of him." "WHAT!" "It isn't true?" "Well, maybe I did faint, but definitely not at the sight of him!" Melody replied, slightly annoyed with Legolas thinking he could sweep her off her feet. PLEASE! "I see..." Arwen said with a smirk on her face. "What's that look for?" Melody said "What look?" Arwen said with a laugh "That one" Melody said pointing at Arwen's face "I did not make any face!" "Yes you did!" "No I didn't!" "YES!" Melody yelled, realizing after how loud she was.
Alana pointed her Canon Analysis Device (CAD) at Arwen, almost afraid of what she was going to see. Predictably, it let out a shrill wail, and she quickly stifled it.
Arwen Evenstar. Elf Female. Canon. Out of Character 73.45
Somebody tapped her on the shoulder, and she jumped nearly a half a foot into the air. "I brought dinner," said Sarah cheerfully, her grin looking very odd on her rather moldy goblin face. She handed a take-out container to Alana. "What'd I miss?" Alana handed Sarah her notebook.
"Go ahead and copy." Dutifully doing so, she searched the reading that she had missed.
"Can we please go eat and skip her stupid conversation with Lego?" begged Sarah.
"No," said Alana curtly. "It looks like he'll be dreadfully OOC, we have to be there." Grudgingly, the more novice agent followed her partner slowly.
"Well, if it isn't our little guest from Kanida!"
They turned to find Legolas leaning against tree, looking quite amused with himself.
"I hope you slept well, you took a nasty fall the other day, I didn't know that I could make such an impression on someone." He said with a smirk on his face. Melody could feel her ears burning.
"Just because he's a Prince doesn't mean he's some kind of jerk. He's an elf for Eru's sake." "I find that hard to believe," he replied, knowing he was getting to her. He reminded her of her brother, thinking he was all that and such. Smiling, she knew exactly how to handle him. "Okay, I admit it. I was so entranced by your beauty that I just couldn't contain myself..." she said very dramatically. Legolas, quite amused by this, started laughing.
"For you're information, I didn't faint because you made an 'impression' on me, I fainted out of shock and confusion."
Alana handed the CAD to Sarah, who pointed it at Legolas (wisely turning down the volume first).
Legolas. Male Elf. Canon. Out of Character 87.99999999999
"I feel so sorry for Legolas."
"Well, I have to admit, it happens." 'He's worse than Sean,' she thought. Then remembered something about him from the books. "But now I'm pretty much turned-off by how much of a bratty prince you are." He stopped laughing, 'that got him to shut up', he stared at her for awhile.
"What kind of an insult was that?" demanded Sarah furiously.
He turned and walked away.
"Right, well nothing much happens for a while now… oh gods."
"What?" asked Alana, peering over her partner's shoulder.
"She sings."
"A voice to rival the elves I'm sure," muttered Alana. Sarah made a face. She had been doing voice competitions for years, but her vocal skills were nothing to brag about when one was in Imladris among the elves.
Grimacing, the agents decided to eat while they could, and then head to Mary-Sue's banquet that she was supposed to attend. Finding a spot far enough away from Melody, Alana opened the box, revealing its delicious looking contents; smoked venison and a few slices of bread as well as assorted vegetables. Sarah had opened her own, which contained cooked rabbit rather then venison.
"I didn't know which one you'd like," she said apologetically. "I'll eat either one."
Alana shrugged. "Well, rabbit's my personal favourite…" They switched boxes, and began methodically eating.
"Why do Sues always feel the need to be so damn perfect?" inquired Sarah through a mouthful of food.
"The authors are acting out their personal fantasies," said Alana wisely.
The agents reluctantly finished and headed towards the 'dining hall' as Melody called it, and Sarah tried not to curse her for hating dresses with no reason. Sarah was enormously fond of any Lord of the Rings or medieval dresses. They slipped into the Hall ahead of her, blissfully missing the ridiculous dialogue between the Mary-Sue and poor Legolas, and hid behind a table, out of the Sue's sight when she came in.
"Um...Arwen, who are they?" asked Melody, looking at Frodo and his friends.
"Those are hobbits." "Really?" "Would I kid you?" "They're so cute!"
Sarah twitched, and Alana looked at her oddly.
The meal ended finally, and the dreadfully OOC Legolas suggest that Melody share something.
"I don't think you'd want to hear me sing."
"He didn't say that you arrogant little berk," muttered Alana, shifting her weight so that she wasn't sitting on her foot.
The Sue began to sing in a rather nauseating voice, and naturally, the entire room was bewitched. "It could have been worse," muttered Alana, feeling a sudden surge of sympathy towards her partner. After all, she hadn't had any real field experience with Sues, and therefore couldn't be prepared for this. Indeed, she was looking rather thunderstruck. "She could be singing Avril Lavigne or something." Sarah nodded, acknowledging that it could have been worse. However, as a dedicated musician, she felt insulted. "See, unless they actually write that the voice sounds like the voice of an angel, or something ridiculous like that, it's just going to sound normal. Or bad for that matter, whenever a song from our world is played. But the poor canon characters won't know the difference," explained Alana in a hushed whisper.
Would this song never end? "Do you have a CD player?" asked Sarah in a begging tone. Alana obligingly brought it out, handing it to Sarah, who quickly put it on, uncaring of whatever was in there. To her great relief, it promptly began blaring Beethoven's Ninth, drowning out the awful sound of Melody, who couldn't carry a melody.
It finally ended, and Alana, who had stuffed her fingers in her ears, poked her. She gratefully pulled them off and handed them to Alana, only to notice…
"Oh gods."
"Elrond's crying!"
Alana, after making sure its volume was turned down, pointed the CAD at Elrond shakily. It gave a loud screech.
Elrond Halfelven. Half-Elf Male. Canon. Out of Character 98.7664738
And if it wasn't enough…
"I came over to say thank you for that beautiful song, m'lady. You're voice is more beautiful than any I've ever heard." Melody blushed again.
Sarah rose to her feet furiously, and Alana, recognising the symptoms of one whose lust object has been messed with, seized her arm and pulled her down.
"Why thank you little one, but please, call me Melody." The hobbit smiled. "Very well then, Melody. And you may call me Frodo." "Frodo?" "Yes. Is anything wrong?" "Uh...no, nothing Frodo. I am just tired."
Alana glanced at her partner worriedly, and then looked ahead at the words.
"We better go to bed. She's off to the council of Elrond tomorrow."
"Surprise surprise," said Sarah bitterly.
"Oh come on, it wasn't that bad. He just commented on her voice. It could have been worse. Now stop sulking and get out your sleeping bag."
"What if we spent the night in a spare bedroom?" asked Sarah hopefully. Alana had never thought of it before, it wasn't usually done. As far as she knew however, it wasn't against the rules.
"If we can find one that isn't occupied," she said reluctantly.
The Author's Note: If you liked it, please review. Reviews are good. If you didn't like it, review and tell me why. Flames will be laughed at, and constructive criticism taken into account. Chapter two will be up soon; the more reviews I get, the sooner it'll be up.