Half a Man He Was.
John gets back from the cemetery knowing that what he said at Sherlock's grave would never happen. Sherlock was dead John thought he wouldn't come back just because he asked for him not to be dead. He goes and sits down at his chair in 221b in complete silence except for the crying he can hear from Mrs. Hudson downstairs. She was just as sad, but John thought he was more hurt then her but in different ways.
John was mad. Sherlock never told him why he jumped. Sherlock just jumped. Sherlock told him he was a fraud. But John didn't want to think he told him a lie. Sherlock was always not telling people what he was doing but he would always get to it in the end. He didn't get to this time. He wanted to know why and everything that happened before the fall, but he mostly wanted to know why.
John was sad. Sherlock was his best friend. Sherlock even said to John that he was his only friend. That meant a lot to John, but to see your best friend fall of a building to their death is heart breaking. John cried for days, he still is, but not knowing why he did it made him sad. He trusted Sherlock. Sherlock kept John up right. Before John met Sherlock John had a limp, which is gone thanks to Sherlock, John had a boring life, but Sherlock made it interesting, John had a best friend, and now he doesn't.
John stayed in the flat only because he didn't have the money to move out yet, and he sure wasn't going to live with Harry. Everything in that flat reminded him of Sherlock. The scull on the mantle, the test tubes, and the yellow smiley face with bullet holes in it was Sherlock. John didn't know what to do with his life. He didn't take any of the cases that Lestrade offered even though he was now the only consulting detective in the world again. John couldn't do it. He is still doing his job at the doctor's office, but more often he has taken sick days. John couldn't take looking at sick people anymore. John didn't care anymore. He had nothing to do, nothing to look forward too. He went to other options.
John started drinking. Drinking a lot. John knew what he was doing and didn't want to turn up like his sister Harry, but it was the only thing that would take Sherlock's death of his mind. Everyday, every time he closes his eyes he sees the fall, Sherlock falling. That day was the worst day of his life. He sees Sherlock falling and every time the fall slows down. John sees Sherlock hit the ground with a crowd of people around him. He remembers saying "He's my friend let me through" and remembers feeling Sherlock's wrist and not feeling a pulse, and remembers the blood. Oh the blood John thinks, so much red blood. Tears run down his face just thinking about it. The tears then turn to a rage of anger and confusion, and John flips the table that was in front of him. He screams then sits back down on the couch crying more than he ever has.
His therapist calls constantly asking how he is and telling to come in, but he never answers. John knows it would be helpful but he doesn't care. Mrs. Hudson takes care of him knowing that he is not the same. She gets the food and helps out around the flat to clean just to make sure he will be okay, but knows he is not. Mycroft tries to help by trying to lend money, but John turns it down. John knows that everyone is trying to help him, but he just can't take their help.
With the drinking he has also been suicidal. He has tried but never finished. He always thinks in the back of his mind that maybe Sherlock is alive. That statement keeps him going, but he tries and tries. He can here Sherlock's voice telling not to, and he listens to it hoping he will hear that voice again. That deep caring voice is what I needs right know John thinks.
John knows that things will get better, but that was two years ago. John still alone, still with out hope, still crying himself to sleep now knows that things won't get better. So why bother John thinks why should I go and suffer. But as he thinks that he can still hear the deep voice in his head telling him to go on. He does, but not without drinking. But he did in that year take away his suicidal thoughts, but replaced it to an eating disorder. John doesn't eat much that year. But on the anniversary of Sherlock and John meeting three years after his death John decided to go to a fancy restaurant and eat and have a good time. John doesn't know if he is going to have a good time, but he thinks that is what Sherlock would want him to do. John is eating. John went in there thinking that he wasn't going to be hungry, but then figured out he was starving. John is feeling good for the first time in a very long time. Then, he looks up to see a familiar face. That face walks over and sits down across from him and says "Hello John. I am so sorry." And John starts crying.