The Catcher of the Rings
Author's Note : This was an essay I had to write in English class, after having read The Catcher in the Rye. Good book, by the way. So yes, a Frodo POV about the beginning of his journey. This is dedicated to one of the most talented, kind, overall beautiful people I know. To Betty, my co- author, partner in crime and loyal friend! Love you! Enjoy (!
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You will never believe what's happening to me. I have to tell you, or else you'll think I'm a madman. Even if you do think that, I don't care, I'm going to tell you anyway; just for the hell of it. Okay, if you really want to know, I'm a hobbit. Hobbits are ancient people. Ancient. What a word. It sounds like something sacred and all. Oh, don't touch HIM, he's ANCIENT! He might break in half like a twig... Break in half like a twig? Where do they get THAT from?? Boy, don't get me started on the English language or else we'll be here FOREVER.
Anyway, as I was saying, hobbits love peace and quiet. Mind you, I STILL haven't found peace and quiet in the Shire; in fact, you can't find peace ANYWHERE in Middle-Earth. It doesn't exist. I swear to God... Anyway, we are little, hairy fold. What a great combination; short AND hairy. Seriously, hair EVERYWHERE. You know how most babies are born bald? Oh no, not baby hobbits. For Christ's sake, we even have hairy FEET.
Anyway, I am Frodo. Frodo Baggins. What a name! Who names their child FRODO? I guess only a guy named DROGO can name his son Frodo. Leave it to a father with an ugly name to do the same to his son. Boy, I was so depressed when I heard my name for the first time. I could've thrown myself out the window. I swear to God.
So anyway, the other day was my cousin Bilbo's birthday. What a crazy old man, but I love him anyway. He kills everybody - everybody with sense that is. He threw this huge party full of phonies who kept complimenting him on his GRAND party. Grand! Yet another word to add to the list of phony words of the English language. That killed me. And then he went and gave everyone PRESENTS! What the hell is THAT? What normal person does that?? Apparently, it's tradition. Tradition, my ass... Anyway, you'll NEVER guess what happened. Near the end of the party, dear old Bilbo made a speech and halfway through, he DISAPPEARED! I was so depressed, I damn near started crying. So I went back to my hobbit hole (yes, hole is the right term for my house) to see if I could find him.
This crazy sunavubitch Gandalf was there. He said he's a wizard. A WIZARD for Christ's sake! I mean, how stupid am I to believe that?? Apparently very, because I actually sat through his speech. Then he gives me this crumby old ring that Bilbo had left for me. Apparently, this ring was a great carrier of great evil. That killed me. Great evil in a RING? Boy, that old wizard sure was full of himself, just like everyone else in this phony population of hobbits.
Anyway, he was telling me this story of how the ring was forged and all, and about a bunch of ugly morons running around trying to prevent this even BIGGER and UGLIER moron from getting it. He amused me, in a way. But then I heard a sound from outside my window. I thought I was going to die. I kept seeing myself stabbed in the stomach with this rusty old knife and I was holding my guts in my hands.
Anyway, it turned out to be dear old Sam. He said he was just trimming the verge. Trimming the verge in the middle of the night, for Christ's sake? You have to be kidding me! He's pretty stupid sometimes, but it's not HIS fault. Blame society, it always works.
To punish him, Gandalf told him that he had to go on THE mission with me. Mission? What mission?? People never tell me ANYTHING. They think I'm immature or something... That's not even true! I can be quite mature sometimes, but people never notice that. They never notice anything. They can never give anyone the credit they deserve.
Anyway, what I had to do was bring this ring to this place, Mount Doom. Mount Doom, what a name! That's really encouraging... But I'm going, I'm actually going! I'm telling ya, I'm a madman sometimes. So now I got no time to horse around. It's a good thing only Sam and Gandalf know. If you tell stuff to too many people, you always end up missing them. Damnit, I'm going to miss this hole!
THE END!
Author's Note : This was an essay I had to write in English class, after having read The Catcher in the Rye. Good book, by the way. So yes, a Frodo POV about the beginning of his journey. This is dedicated to one of the most talented, kind, overall beautiful people I know. To Betty, my co- author, partner in crime and loyal friend! Love you! Enjoy (!
**********ยง**********
You will never believe what's happening to me. I have to tell you, or else you'll think I'm a madman. Even if you do think that, I don't care, I'm going to tell you anyway; just for the hell of it. Okay, if you really want to know, I'm a hobbit. Hobbits are ancient people. Ancient. What a word. It sounds like something sacred and all. Oh, don't touch HIM, he's ANCIENT! He might break in half like a twig... Break in half like a twig? Where do they get THAT from?? Boy, don't get me started on the English language or else we'll be here FOREVER.
Anyway, as I was saying, hobbits love peace and quiet. Mind you, I STILL haven't found peace and quiet in the Shire; in fact, you can't find peace ANYWHERE in Middle-Earth. It doesn't exist. I swear to God... Anyway, we are little, hairy fold. What a great combination; short AND hairy. Seriously, hair EVERYWHERE. You know how most babies are born bald? Oh no, not baby hobbits. For Christ's sake, we even have hairy FEET.
Anyway, I am Frodo. Frodo Baggins. What a name! Who names their child FRODO? I guess only a guy named DROGO can name his son Frodo. Leave it to a father with an ugly name to do the same to his son. Boy, I was so depressed when I heard my name for the first time. I could've thrown myself out the window. I swear to God.
So anyway, the other day was my cousin Bilbo's birthday. What a crazy old man, but I love him anyway. He kills everybody - everybody with sense that is. He threw this huge party full of phonies who kept complimenting him on his GRAND party. Grand! Yet another word to add to the list of phony words of the English language. That killed me. And then he went and gave everyone PRESENTS! What the hell is THAT? What normal person does that?? Apparently, it's tradition. Tradition, my ass... Anyway, you'll NEVER guess what happened. Near the end of the party, dear old Bilbo made a speech and halfway through, he DISAPPEARED! I was so depressed, I damn near started crying. So I went back to my hobbit hole (yes, hole is the right term for my house) to see if I could find him.
This crazy sunavubitch Gandalf was there. He said he's a wizard. A WIZARD for Christ's sake! I mean, how stupid am I to believe that?? Apparently very, because I actually sat through his speech. Then he gives me this crumby old ring that Bilbo had left for me. Apparently, this ring was a great carrier of great evil. That killed me. Great evil in a RING? Boy, that old wizard sure was full of himself, just like everyone else in this phony population of hobbits.
Anyway, he was telling me this story of how the ring was forged and all, and about a bunch of ugly morons running around trying to prevent this even BIGGER and UGLIER moron from getting it. He amused me, in a way. But then I heard a sound from outside my window. I thought I was going to die. I kept seeing myself stabbed in the stomach with this rusty old knife and I was holding my guts in my hands.
Anyway, it turned out to be dear old Sam. He said he was just trimming the verge. Trimming the verge in the middle of the night, for Christ's sake? You have to be kidding me! He's pretty stupid sometimes, but it's not HIS fault. Blame society, it always works.
To punish him, Gandalf told him that he had to go on THE mission with me. Mission? What mission?? People never tell me ANYTHING. They think I'm immature or something... That's not even true! I can be quite mature sometimes, but people never notice that. They never notice anything. They can never give anyone the credit they deserve.
Anyway, what I had to do was bring this ring to this place, Mount Doom. Mount Doom, what a name! That's really encouraging... But I'm going, I'm actually going! I'm telling ya, I'm a madman sometimes. So now I got no time to horse around. It's a good thing only Sam and Gandalf know. If you tell stuff to too many people, you always end up missing them. Damnit, I'm going to miss this hole!
THE END!