Title: Touch Me

Author: Raining on my Parade

Summary: Before Kairi came, you were just mine. Then you became hers and mine. Now you're just yours. And I can't touch you. No matter how hard I try, you are always out of my grasp.

Disclaimer: it's on my wish list, but it seems like it won't be coming true anytime soon…therefore I still don't own Kingdom Hearts

A/N: Alrighty, so this is the start of my new story, my first Kingdom Hearts one actually. I'm quite excited, and I'm hoping you will all enjoy this (despite the fact that it's a bit depressing). There's a little bit of a guide for this since I'm trying out a new style, so here it is:

~~~Sky~~~ or ~~~Land : These normally begin a section and tell whose point of view it's in. Sky is Sora, and Land is Riku. Keep this in mind, people, it's helpful to know who is talking!

~~~: this just means it's a break in either Sora or Riku's section. Either it's a time skip or a scene change.

Also, this takes place after KH 2, so yes, all events in the games apply. And that's about it for now. If anything else comes up, I'll be sure to add it. Enjoy!

Chapter 1 : Touch

~~~Sky~~~

I want to reach out and touch you but you keep your distance. The moment I get close enough, you pull away. It frustrates me how you always stay just out of my range, even before all of this. Before Kairi came, you were just mine. Then you became hers and mine. Now you're just yours. And I can't touch you. No matter how hard I try, you are always out of my grasp.

"Damn it Riku," I mumble into my arms that are resting on my tucked legs. These stupid thoughts plague me even now after I've accepted that I can't touch you.

"What's that for? You mad at me?" a voice says from behind me. I'm startled and almost fall over, but I catch myself in time. I was just sitting against the base of the paopu tree and had been watching the sunset while I mulled over my thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately that's exactly when you decide to appear, and it's at that moment that my thoughts are scattered once again. Regaining some of my composure, I look back up at you with the grin I always have on, or used to at least. They seemed to be coming less often nowadays.

"Nope. Just thinking," I tell you. You looked unconvinced. I just shrug and turn back to watching the sunset. I don't try to convince you. It wouldn't be any use, and you'd just end up suspecting me even more if I did.

"You sure?" you ask as you sit down beside me.

"Yeah," I say.

Silence takes over for a few moments. I know you're glancing at me, but I don't care. I'm too focused on trying not to blush at how close you are to me, and honestly I'm at a loss for what to do about it. This past week I've been having these feelings invading my heart for you that leave me confused when I think about them. Unwelcome as they are, when they come they leave a warm feeling in my chest, and whenever you appear that feeling grows more and more. And sometimes it grows until I almost feel as though my ribs would burst and I would cry with the amazing wonderfulness of it. Other times it grows cold, like it's sucking away my heart into an endless black hole and making me want to cry for the loss of the warmth. Either way I always feel ready to cry whether it swells or dies.

The whole effort of trying to keep this from you has tired me endlessly and it feels like it's finally catching up to me right now. I feel sleepy and my head keeps dropping quickly before I lift it again in an attempt to stay awake. Suddenly I feel an arm around my shoulder, and I'm pulled me into a position that I rather like (much more than I really should), but don't want to be in. You've pulled me to lean on your shoulder with your arm still around me. I push away, hiding a yawn behind my hand, and sit back up.

"Don't," I say to you.

I can't stand it.

"What's wrong?" you ask. "You look tired, so just take a nap now and then we can go home."

"I don't want to," I say stubbornly.

I don't want to care so much.

I don't want you to care so much either.

"Come on Sora. I know you're tired. You look like you haven't slept well at all. Hell, you were about to fall asleep a minute ago," you argue. I ignore the truths you say. I know I haven't slept. It doesn't matter. Instead I stand up and walk a few steps away. I'm not facing you. My eyes feel hot, but I keep it down. I don't want to cry about this. Crying never helps anything.

"Well that was a minute ago. I'm not tired anymore," I lie, managing to keep my voice from wavering.

"I thought you said you weren't mad at me," you say with a frown that I can hear without needing to look back.

"I'm not."

"Then why are you pushing me away like you are?" you shoot back. I want to ask you the same, but I hold myself back. "You've been acting this way all week. Something's got to be bugging you. What wrong?"

I sigh exasperatedly and go back to sit back beside you. Gathering my courage and forcing away the blush I know will come with the contact; I hug you around the waist and snuggle into your shoulder. I say, "Nothing's wrong. Just stupid thoughts. I'm not trying to push you away Riku."

I can feel you tense and hesitate and I refuse to let the tears come because I know you're uncomfortable with contact with others unless you initiate it, even with me. Especially with me. Finally you wrap your arms around me as well. I really don't want you to care so much. If you care, it just makes it that much harder for me to convince myself that I can't have you. Because you'll always be out of my reach. We sit in silence the rest of the time until I really do fall asleep.

My last thought is that you smell good. Do you know that, I wonder?

~~~Land~~~

I smile down at you snuggling up against me. The sun has gone and the moon has yet to begin its ascent into the sky. The starlight against your skin makes it glow. I want to touch it, caress it, but I can't bring myself to actually do it. I always hesitate to touch you, anyone really, but especially you. You're too delicate, too pure for my tainted hands to touch. I shouldn't even think about you the way I do, and I feel so ashamed when I do.

"Sora…" I whisper. Your mouth is slightly opened and your chestnut hair falls in your face. I lift my hand and lightly brush it away to get a better view of your face. Long lashes curled against your cheeks that I want so much to touch, and pale pink lips that I long to kiss. I lower my eyes and tear them away from you. If I had looked on any longer, I wasn't sure if I could have restrained myself from actually kissing you. I could never think to taint you with the lips of this sinner while you're not even conscious. That would be just too cruel for a light like you.

Even so, I want to hold you, even just like this. It's enough that you stayed by me. I refuse myself anything more than a friendship with you. I couldn't allow your light to be dimmed by my foolish desires. I sigh and look out across the ocean. Destiny Islands shines dimly in the distance with its artificial lights. I know we have to get back soon, but I can't break this moment. You're sleeping so well now.

It didn't seem like you'd gotten much sleep this week, and I hope that maybe this will be good for you. Then again sleeping on someone's shoulder isn't a very comfortable position to be in. I'm torn, but in the end I decide to let you sleep a little more before I finally shake you awake.

"Come on Sora, we've got to get back. Your mom's gonna get worried," I say softly as I shake you. You stir slightly but don't wake. I poke your side and you shoot up with a cry, instantly awake. You pout at me, acting more like the Sora I know than you were earlier, and I laugh. I can't help the thought that I want to kiss your pouting lips either, but it gets pushed back with all the other thoughts like that that run through my head. I've been collecting quite a lot back there.

"What was that for?" you ask, the pout still on your face. You still looked tired, but we really do need to go. Sleeping on the island without a blanket would only get you a cold. I silently hope that you will be able to get more sleep tonight and that whatever has been bothering you will go away.

"It's time to go. We've been out here for a while now," I tell you, reluctant to admit we need to part ways.

"Ah, right," you say cutely as the pout disappears. I can't help but chuckle at it. You smile at me, but it doesn't seem to set right on your face. I dismiss it for the moment.

"Sorry," I say quickly, thinking I upset you by laughing. "Come on, let's go."

"Yeah," you say, using the same tone as earlier. You walk on ahead of me and I stare sadly at your back. I really can't tell if you're mad at me or not. Did I do something to make you upset? You say it's nothing, you say you're not mad, but I still don't know.

We don't say much on the way back to the island. We both take separate boats since I had come after you in my own. Our good byes are quiet and not as enthusiastic as they used to be. I'm concerned about you. I didn't want to ask you then, and I can't now since you've already left for your house. So I resolve to ask you about it tomorrow. It's the weekend finally, and that will give me plenty of time.

I don't get anything out of you the next day. You just say that nothing is wrong, that you're fine and I shouldn't worry. But I worry even more when you say that. I know something is bothering you. What if you don't really like me and you're just staying with me out of pity? What if you actually don't care and you would prefer that I not be here?

I shiver at the thought. You're too good to lead someone on, but then again we've been friends for our whole lives. Maybe you just don't want to hurt my feelings. If that were true, that explains why you've stayed with me. You don't like being with me, but you force yourself to spend time with me so you won't hurt my feelings. That's so stupid.

If I were causing you pain, or making you do something you don't like, I would want you to tell me. I would rather you be happy without me than be miserable with me. I have nothing to give you to make you happy, anyway. I sigh again.

"Riku? Rikuuu?" Kairi says, waving her hand in front of my face. I snap out of my thoughts. "Anyone home?"

"What do you want?" I ask.

"Jeez, I've been calling your name for five minutes. What were you thinking in that thick skull of yours?" she asks. She gives me a scrutinizing look. She'd found me as I was walking home and dragged me back into town. It was only about three when you had said you needed to go. Kairi had decided to force me to buy her some ice cream, and now we are sitting in a park where I had just gotten lost in my thoughts while she ate her ice cream. I hadn't gotten any. I wasn't hungry.

"Nothing," I reply.

"Well that's some very deep nothing you're thinking about then. You could at least talk to me, Riku," she pouts. I roll my eyes.

"You're the one that dragged me here. Besides, I'm talking to you now, aren't I?" I say. She gives an exasperated sigh.

"Whatever," she says with a roll of her eyes. She licks her ice cream some more, leaving us in silence once again. Before I can delve back into my thoughts, she speaks.

"You and Sora are acting so weird lately," she says nonchalantly, giving another lick, but I can hear the concern underlining it. I shrug, not wanting to talk about my change of mood. Of course I'd never been very talkative, but after going through everything, I just thought it was better not to speak so much. She frowns at my lack of response.

"I thought you guys would get over it when you got back, but you never did. Well, Sora did for a while, but he's got something else bothering him now," she comments.

"What's bothering him?" I ask, trying to sound uninterested. Or as uninterested as a friend could be. It doesn't work. I'm too worried about you. I'm worried you would have told her before me too, but it's a jealous feeling. I don't want to be jealous, so I push that back.

"He hasn't told me anything specifically. Besides, it's not my place to tell, if my hunch is right, that is," she tells me with a gleam in her eye. I'm relieved that it seems you haven't told her anything, but it looks like she knows something. Something that I should know, but don't. Something she knows I don't know, and that she will refuse to tell me anything about. Still, I try to pry, just in case she might tell me. Her hunches are usually correct.

"What is it?" I ask once again. She shrugs.

"Nope, it's probably wrong anyway." Which is a false statement because whenever she says that, I know she knows her hunch is correct. She eats some more of her ice cream.

"I don't want to get your hopes up," she says finally. Now I am confused. Something is bothering you, and it's something that would get my hopes up? What was there to get my hopes up about? Surely she couldn't mean…but the gleam is still there in her eyes. I refuse to believe it though. I dismiss, bury, and beat back the thoughts that have surfaced. There's no way that could be it. Either way, I'm sure now that I am the cause of your hidden distress.

"Whatever, I'm leaving," I say, getting up from the bench. I know she's frowning. She gets up and grabs my arm, pulling me along to someplace new, ignoring the fact that I try to pull away from her instinctively.

"Nope. You haven't spent time with me in forever so we're going to have some quality bonding time!" she tells me firmly. I groan. It's not that I don't like Kairi; she's my friend. She reminds me of you though, with her childish ways that make her seem almost innocent. I know that isn't quite the case since we both know of her escapades with Tidus and even Selphie in the years we were gone, but it still reminds me of you in some way. And that just makes me feel a bit worse because I don't want to taint her either. She doesn't need a friend like me.

She sees me frowning and I know she knows I'm beating myself up over something, which I am. She just tosses me a reassuring smile and squeezes my hand as she continues leading me wherever she decides we're going. I feel a little better. I still wish I knew what was bothering you though.

~~~Sky~~~

I left you. I feel guilty about it, but I had to. I ditched you with a lame excuse, but you didn't say anything. You just let me go. I don't want you to let me go. I want you to pull me back. I want you to hold me close. I want you to reach out and touch me because I know I'll never be able to do that to you. You won't let me.

I let out a sigh of frustration as I think this. This was why I had to leave. You make me frustrated. You make me angry. You make me happy. You make me excited. You make me want to cry and yell and shout. You make me want to laugh and sing and dance. It's so many things all at once rushing at me, and they all just build up until I don't know what to do anymore and I need to leave so I can figure out what to do without the dizzying effect of your presence in such a close proximity making me want to just let it all burst out without concern for consequence.

The frustration reminds me of when we had been fighting the heartless and the nobodies. The more I destroyed in order to protect the worlds, the more I was helping my enemy closer to their goal. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to help the enemy by destroying heartless and giving them more hearts, but if I stopped fighting, the heartless would have taken over the worlds. It was a vicious circle that wouldn't end until I got to the root of the problem and fixed it.

I decide that's how I need to deal with this problem between you and me as well, but I know you won't let me fix it. Because that would mean I need to touch you, and you won't let me even attempt to reach out. I wonder how I'm supposed to fix this, because I really want this pain to go away.

I want it to go away, but it won't unless I either have you for myself or I find a way to move on. I'm almost certain I'll never have you though, and I'm not even sure if I'll be able to move on. So I'll probably just wait my whole life for you to realize that I am there for you. I'm not quite sure what I'll do when you finally do realize I'm there. I'll think of it when the time comes, though. You can count on that.

I stop as I notice Tidus sitting alone out on the beach. A blitzball is next to him about a foot away. No one else is on the beach, which is strange, but seems to amplify the aura of loneliness that is radiating from my friend now. Tidus is such a charismatic person and so full of energy all the time, always surrounded people basking in the light of his exuberance, that it's strange to see him by himself in such a lonesome fashion.

His shoulders are sagging and he seems to be simply staring out across the ocean, almost dejectedly. He looks so sad, as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders depressing him. It's a distraction from you though, and I take it gladly. Although, selfish reason or not, I want to help him. I go over to Tidus.

At first I think that he doesn't hear me approach, but I'm proven wrong when he says, "Go away."

I ignore the demand and walk around to stand in front of him. I see the beginnings of a nasty black eye briefly before he buries his face in his knees, which are drawn up against his chest. He's curled into a ball, as though he's trying to protect himself from something, but he looks so much more vulnerable like that. I've never seen Tidus vulnerable like this, and it's thrown me for a loop. My small happiness at a distraction is now buried beneath my concern for my blonde friend. I squat in front of him, waiting for him to do something.

When he does nothing, I ask, "What happened?"

He looks up a little shocked. Maybe he was expecting me to ask what was wrong, but I asked an essentially identical question. Or maybe he was expecting me to be someone else, or that I had heeded his command to leave him alone. I don't know, but I don't ask. I just ask him what's happened again when he doesn't answer for a while. This time he answers, but not with what I was expecting.

"I kissed Wakka and he punched me."

"What?" I ask a bit shocked.

"I kissed Wakka and he punched me. Simple as that."

It's a little strange to hear that Tidus has suddenly kissed his best friend, but I don't think much of it. I would do the same to you, but I'm too scared. Besides, it's mostly strange because I hadn't known Tidus swings that way. He went out with Kairi a little before they broke up by mutual agreement that it didn't feel right. And then Kairi went after Selphie. A thought crossed my mind wondering how Kairi and Selphie were doing, but it was ignored. I could ask Kairi about it later. I focus on Tidus again.

"Why would he punch you?" I ask. He raises the eyebrow of his uninjured eye at me.

"Not why did I kiss him?"

I shrug.

"Why not why he punched you? I would assume you kissed him because you like him. There isn't really another reason unless he likes you and you only kissed him to tease him. But I don't think you would do that if you weren't interested."

"I see," he says. He seems a little relieved that I don't care that he likes Wakka. If I said I minded, I would be a hypocrite, right? I like you after all. I'm just not brave enough to do what Tidus has done.

"So, why did he punch you?" I ask again.

"Because I told him I like him and then I kissed him," Tidus tells me with a shrug. His voice sounds indifferent, but I can tell it's affected him. "He punched me as soon as I pulled back and said he wasn't a fag and that he didn't hang out with fags either. He isn't talking to me now."

I want to say something that will make him feel better, but I don't know what to do. My mind is blank. He's trying his hardest to put up a brave front, I can tell, but I can also see the kicked puppy look beneath it.

"He's in denial then," I say finally. Tidus laughs. It sounds a bit bitter, but he laughed. That's what I was aiming for.

"Maybe. Because we all know Wakka looks like a flaming gay," he says. I giggle and agree in the same sarcastic tone he uses, adding a little remark of my own. I can feel my frustration about you slipping away as we talk and joke around, and honestly it's a relief. I sit beside him and we stay at the beach for a few hours before he finally decides that he really is fine. Tidus is strong. He can bounce back from most anything, and it's something I admire about him.

"Do you wanna hang out tomorrow?" Tidus asks a little hesitantly before he really leaves. He seems nervous about asking me for some reason. I smile to give him reassurance and let him know he can ask me things like this. We're friends after all, aren't we?

"Sure. I'm not doing anything then," I tell him, even though I know you're going to come over and ask the same thing and expect that we'll hang out. But I need a break from you, and I've found my de-stresser in Tidus. I'm willing to take it.

"Great. I'll see you then, I guess," Tidus says to me and I grin at him.

"See you then," I reply with a wave. He returns the gesture, hesitates for another second, and then turns and leaves. I watch his back as he walks away along the beach and hope he really will be fine by himself. Tidus really is strong. He can bounce back from most anything. It's just that heartbreak tends to take longer to bounce back from than most things.

I turn to head for the old wooden stairs that lead back up to the solid ground of concrete sidewalk and freeze. It's you. You walk by without noticing me, heading in the same direction as Tidus left, with Kairi's hand laced in yours. Instantly all my frustrations are back with a hint of something else I know I shouldn't feel. Jealousy is for the one you have reciprocated feelings for, and I'm quite painfully aware in this moment that my feelings are not, nor ever will be reciprocated. I feel like I've lost my breath as I stare. You keep walking by with her, oblivious.

Look at me.

Look over here!

Look at me!

Finally I regain my breath and as my lungs fill with oxygen, mobility returns to my limbs. I stand still for a moment more, just because I can, and I feel like a masochist watching this. Then I turn from you and her, and walk in the opposite direction. I try to keep my head held high. I try to look like my over-confident self. I try to walk with a spring in my step. It ends up feeling as though my head is tilting up too much, as though I'm really naked and barren for the world to see, and like my walk looks more like limping than springing. I want to stop, but I don't. I just keep moving, because I know if I stop I'll crumble, and I can't let that happen. Not in the open. Not where everyone can see. Not where you could see. So I keep walking, head held too high, self-conscious, and limping like the wounded animal I am.

A/N: And that's it for chapter one! Kind of depressing I know, but that's just how it happened to come out. Please review and tell me what you think!