I Got Thoughts

I whistled Ares over, Ares was a Varren I got at a shelter back on Tuchank I got him after all my fish had died and my space hamster ran off I needed a strong pet, something that could kill. I got Ares when he was little, not baby little but he was still growing. When I first got him he was tough, he put a wall between me and him that I had to break down myself, and I did. I decided to name him Ares, for the old Greek God of War, and at the time it was like war trying to get him to trust me. Over time I taught him that it was okay to trust me, Ares is still iffy with everyone else around him, especially new people.

Ares had a towel in his mouth that I took once he reached me, "Good boy." I patted his head. I wrapped the towel around my neck. My room was cold, but I wasn't, I had just finished about a two hour work out. It took a while to get any work out equipment up to my cabin, but it was worth it. I was mad, infuriated, pissed off, enraged.

And it was all her fault, her tattoos, her attitude, her body, her fault. Jack. I was never afraid of Jack, not for one fucking second. She tried so hard to get me to play her game, for me to just run along like I was scared shitless of her, but I wasn't. She was perfect, to me. But she couldn't see right in her fucking face that I loved her. When I first met her, I would sound like an asshole for saying it was 'love at first sight,' but I did feel a connection. But she'll never love me. She can't. Her trust issues are too far off, I've tried and tried and tried again, but she can't see. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to be rough with her. I just want her to look at me the way I look at her.

I looked at the clock, 0100 hours, fucking perfect. I ran my fingers through my red locks and looked at Ares, "Bed." I said, for him that meant time to go to bed, but not for me. Ares sat on the end of my bed as I walked into the bathroom. I smelled discussing. I took off my N7 tank top along with my cargo pants. Everything was off me and I walked into the shower. I pressed my forehead against the shower wall. Closed my eyes. Took a deep breath. Punched the wall with all my force. My knuckles hurt, these walls were so thick no one would be able to hear me, and that's the way it should be. Out there I am the crews strong Commander, someone to believe in, someone to have faith in, behind my door I am a coward.

I looked down at my knuckles, already blistering red. Great. I washed up my body and hair without damaging another wall. Once I was clean I sat down, the water hit the top of my head as I looked down at the tile of the floor. I heard a scratch and a whimper on the other side of the bathroom door, Ares misses me.

I got out and grabbed two towels, one around my waist, the other around my neck. I walked out of the room to see Ares as happy as ever. I smiled down at him. It almost looked like he smiled up at me. I grabbed the towel around my neck and towel dried my hair. My hair was still damp when I stopped but it didn't matter, it always looks like I just woke up and didn't do anything to it. I put on a sports bra and my boy short underwear and plopped on my bed.

I was fragile, my muscles hurt, they'll probably be quite sore tomorrow. Ares jumped on the bed and laid by my side, he curled up and laid his chin on the side of my stomach. I smiled, even though I was still mad, Ares always made me smile. I rubbed his back as I closed my eyes…and drifted…into…sleep.

"Shepard." EDIs voice interrupted my sleep.

"This couldn't wait until morning?" I said sleepily, I didn't even think EDI could understand me.

"Jack wishes to speak to you as soon as possible, she says it is urgent. My apologize for waking you." I sat up, my eyes now fully wide. Jack. Perfect. This is just what I fucking need. I sighed, "Thank you EDI." I said. I decided to get up and see what she wanted, I wanted to show her that I would do anything for her, even get up at what is now almost 0300 hours.

I looked to my side, Ares was still asleep, he was a heavy ass sleeper, just like his mommy. I got off the bed on the other side. I threw on my N7 hoodie and cargo pants and slipped on my combat boots. I stretched as I walked out my door, my Varren still asleep.

I took the elevator down to the engineer room, leaning on the elevator wall I almost fell asleep stating up until a jolt shook me away from the elevator hitting the end of the room. I walked out and headed to Jack. Walking down the stairs I fixed my hair and wiped the crust out of my bright green eyes. I took a deep breath and finished walking down the stairs.

I looked in front of me to see Jack walking back and forth in her little area. Once she saw me she jumped a little, she thought I didn't see. "Shepard, how the hell are you awake?" I got chills from her saying my name. Jack kept walking back and forth.

"EDI woke me, she said you need something." I said leaning on the wall.

"I got thoughts like little bugs crawling in and out of my head. I can't stop them." Jack said holding her head tight. All I wanted to do was hug her, keep her safe.

Jack walked past me to the stairs, as soon as I turned around she was already there. "You know I have a history with Cerberus. You know how far back it goes?" I knew Jack, but she never asked a favor until now. She told me about her past, but not this.

"Cerberus raised me. First thing I remember is my cell door in a Cerberus base. They did experiments. Drugged me. Tortured me. Whatever chance I had to be normal, they stole it by trying to turn me into some super-biotic." Jack looked up at me, fury in her brown eyes. "The doctors…the other kids…Every one of them hated me. They let me suffer."

I shook my head, I started walking back and forth like Jack was. Thinking. What they did to Jack was sick. I'll make every bastard pay. "Disgusting. Fucking disgusting. What did they hope to gain by torturing a little girl?" I said.

Jack looked back down, her legs were open, one hand on her knee the other resting on her thigh. "It was something about pain breaking down mental barriers, and how it might clear the way for more biotic power. I'm sure there was a payoff due at some point, but I wasn't going to see it. I was wired up in a cell."

I stopped and looked at her with concern, "You're absolutely certain that Cerberus was running the facility. I don't doubt you. No one can make that up, and it being Cerberus doesn't shock me either." I honestly hoped it was Cerberus, I could turn on them easily for what they did to her. Then who'd be laughing.

"I was a kid but I wasn't dumb. I know how to listen. It was Cerberus." Jack grinned. "They thought they were so clever. Turns out mess with someone's head enough and you can turn a scared kid into an all-powerful bitch. Fucking idiots."

I put my hands behind me and puffed out my chest a little to look stronger. I wanted to look menacing. "I'm going to talk to the Illusive Man, and he'd better have some answers."

Jack sighed. "He'll just deny everything. That's not what I'm after anyways." So much for looking menacing.

"I found the coordinates in your files. I want to go to the Teltin facility on Praga, where they tortured and drugged me." Jack said. She stood up and walked closer to me. "I want to go to the center of the place, my cell. I want to deploy a big fucking bomb. And I want to watch it from orbit when it goes."

I grinned. I loved that plan, sounds like one I'd have. "Done."

Jack raised one eyebrow, "That's it? No questions? No nothing?"

"You sound like you wanted me to say no." I shifted my weight to my left foot and left my right out. "Jack listen, I have hated Cerberus all my fucking life, ever since day one. Whatever they did to you, even if it was as little as not saying please. I will personally send them straight to hell." I said. I gave her a serious look. Because everything I said was true.

Jack looked like she didn't know what to say. "That's…Thanks Shepard." Jack smiled a little, actually smiled.

I turned to leave but stopped, I shouldn't ask this question, but I had to make sure. I turned around to see her still looking at me, "Are you going to be okay Jack? It's almost 0400 hours. I just want to make sure." I said.

Jack went back to being cold, "I'm fine Shepard, go." She said harshly.

I took a deep breath. Don't get mad. Don't get mad. I left.