NOTE: In my version of this galaxy far, far away, the Galactic Standard year consists of 10 calendar months, each containing 40 days, or four 10-day weeks. A Galactic Standard day consists of twenty 50-minute hours, but this is usually deferred in preference to local time.
The setting: five months after ANH.
The Imperial Joke.
by Leela Starsky.
Leia Organa took a deep breath and opened her eyes. Her cabin was still immersed in sleep-shift darkness, so she snuggled deeper into the warmth of her bed. Having sat up into the early hours preparing for her meeting with the Alliance Supreme Commander, Mon Mothma and the ex-Imperial, Crix Madine, Leia indulged herself with a few extra moments of comfort, secure in the knowledge that her alarm would wake her at 0500. She glanced smugly at the chrono as she resettled and closed her eyes.
And opened them again, frowning. The chrono couldn't have read 0640; she must have misread it...
She sat up and peered at it again: 0640. But the sleep-shift lighting was still on! Her wrist chrono was within reach and she picked it up and checked it: 0641.
No.
Leia leapt out of bed, refusing to panic. There had to be a simple explanation. She hurriedly donned a nightgown and opened her cabin door. Day-shift lighting blinded her momentarily and a couple of passing technicians stared at her. Leia shut the door. It was 0641 and she was due at the meeting at 0700!
She raced into the 'fresher, shedding her gown and trying to get her sleep-fogged brain to figure out what could have gone wrong. Hastily, she programmed the water temperature as she stepped into the shower stall and thumbed the water release. Ice cold water hit her, and she leapt out of the stall with a shriek.
Fully awake now, Leia glared at the small temperature display. It read 45C. She changed it to 60C and put her hand into the water. Still ice cold. She pushed it up to 100C; still no change.
Deeply suspicious, she yanked the display cover away, revealing the wiring and circuitry, but she didn't have to go any further as removal of the cover tripped an embedded recording, and Han Solo's voice filled the small room.
"Mornin', Your Most Worshipful Highness. My, but you're looking fresh today! I particularly like the way the cold makes everyth-"
Leia ripped out the offending circuit, cutting it off. She knew them on sight now; Luke had dubbed them "Han's gloat circuits." Damn Solo, and damn his stupid practical jokes! Doubtless there was one for the lights and one for the chrono...
Damn him!
A shower was out of the question, and she stormed back into the cabin proper, activating the tea dispenser before she pulled on her white senatorial gown. The gown was a political choice, to remind the ex-Imperials joining their ranks about Alderaan. She braided her hair while waiting for her cup to fill, then glanced at the chrono. Oh-six-forty-nine. She decided she'd better drink her tea on the way to the meeting.
In retrospect, Leia realized that if she hadn't been so blinded by rage, she'd have suspected the food unit immediately, but at the time, she was so busy trying to focus her attention anywhere else but on the infuriating Captain Solo that she hadn't thought rationally. There was no warning. No unusual spit, hiss, or clunk from the machine. Suddenly, though, ice-cold beverages of every sort began to spew from the small receptacle cavity. In seconds, the cabin was painted in water, soup, carbonated kaff, and Leia's favourite blend of tea.
Shrieking, Leia leapt out of the direct line of fire, taking refuge in the 'fresher, and caught sight of herself in the full-length mirror opposite. She looked as though she'd just stepped out of a trash compactor.
And it was 0706.
Wishing utmost evil on the hateful Corellian, Leia stripped and was about to put her dress through the autovalet when she stopped, deciding Solo had probably programmed it to shred anything she put through it. She dropped the dress on the floor - so much for that political statement - and stepped into the shower, gritted her teeth and hit the water release.
The food unit finally stopped spitting liquid as she stepped, shivering, out of the freezing shower, mentally blessing the architect who'd had the forethought to design the cabin's clothing storage to be accessible from the 'fresher as well as the main room.
Dressed in grey pants, boots, and a white shirt - and resigned to being late - Leia looked at her reflection and scowled. Unwilling to risk drying her hair in Han Solo's perverse little playground, she had twisted it into a tight bun at the nape of her neck, but already strands were coming loose and curling in the warm atmosphere of the ship. She looked like a civilian. Political advantage: Zero.
Stepping into the main cabin, Leia surveyed the carnage, the rage in her eyes contrasting sharply with her blue lips. The chrono read 0716. She retrieved her wrist chrono and comlink, wiping them off on the bedclothes, and walked out of the room.
She contacted See-Threepio via the comlink and organized a cleanup of her cabin. The rewiring she would ask Luke to do...maybe. But then, it could take him forever to find all the circuits Solo had tampered with. Damn him, damn him, damn him! Then a flash of brilliance hit her: She would ask Chewie. He would take out his irritation on the Corellian! Swearing vengeance on Solo with every step, Princess Leia hurried through the rebel frigate to the Senior Officers' Committee Room
0723. They were all there. Waiting.
Leia apologized profusely, moving to the only vacant seat, hoping they could just get on with things...but no, all twelve stood up and inclined their heads respectfully, a response befitting her rank and royalty. The princess cringed inwardly, but she smiled respectfully and sat, allowing them to sit also.
"Was there a problem, Princess?" Mon Mothma asked.
Leia looked at the elegant woman, feeling a vague sense of panic. How in the galaxy did one explain the presence of a troublemaking pirate in the ranks?
"A small one. Taken care of." She smiled, hoping she sounded more convincing to them than she did to herself.
The meeting got underway, and she was introduced to Crix Madine, the former commander of an elite Imperial commando unit - and more recently, captain of the Star Destroyer Dominance. Leia assessed the man carefully, listening intently to all that was said, becoming so involved in the various discussions that she completely forgot her traumatic morning.
Until her comlink began yodelling.
Every eye was riveted on her while she blushed furiously and fumbled to unhook the device from her belt. She switched it off but nothing changed...if anything, the yodelling became more enthusiastic. General Carlist Rieekan's frown became a knowing smile that broadened with the princess' ever-increasing frustration.
Leia, having no success with the power switch, whacked the offending comlink against the table.
"Ow!" it shrieked, and the princess blanched. Nevertheless, she hit it against the table once more. "OW!" the small device wailed again.
Leia glanced up at the various officers around the table, several of whom were struggling to suppress laughter, and felt her earlier anger return. How dare Solo reduce a meeting of such importance to a farce? Shaking her head, she walked to the door and threw the offending comlink out of the room.
"No!" it wailed ridiculously as it sailed through the air, and "OW!" as it hit the floor. As she turned to shut the door behind her, it cried piteously, "No, don't leave me!"
Leia rolled her eyes, sighing, and shut the door. She returned to her seat, aware that they could all still hear the ludicrous bawling of her comlink. She wiped a hand across her face. "I'm so sorry," she said. "I..."
Rieekan came to her rescue. "We have a practical joker among us, Supreme Commander," he explained to Mon Mothma. "A good friend of the princess who tends to make her the brunt of many of his..." He almost said "masterpieces," but knowing that would outrage the young Alderaanian, switched tacks. "...Creative endeavours."
Leia almost glared at the general. Good friend?
Mon Mothma smiled understandingly at the mortified princess. "I see." She then turned to Rieekan and suggested, "Perhaps we should promote him to morale officer?"
Leia choked on a gasp and started coughing as Rieekan smiled broadly. "An idea I would heartily endorse, Supreme Commander, except that the man in question is not an official member of the Alliance."
Mon Mothma frowned and the newcomer, Crix Madine, said hotly, "Then he is an unnecessary risk!"
"On the contrary," Rieekan continued. "The man in question has been a godsend, and without him most of us would be dust orbiting Yavin."
Mon Mothma looked surprised. "Skywalker?"
"No, Supreme Commander," General Jan Dodonna corrected, sounding vaguely resentful. "Solo. Captain of the Millennium Falcon."
"The one who freed Skywalker so he could make the kill shot," Rieekan explained.
"Oh, yes." The woman nodded. "The privateer."
Frowning, Madine leaned forward and asked cautiously, "He's not Corellian, is he?"
Rieekan smiled at the former Imperial, not surprised to find the man acquainted with the Corellian freighter captain. "Yes, he is."
"Han Solo?"
Leia frowned at the former Imperial, then came to the conclusion that Solo was probably as notorious in Imperial circles as she was. The Empire hated "free traders."
Rieekan nodded, and Madine muttered, "Good grief!"
"You know the man?" Mon Mothma asked.
Madine nodded and managed to look amused and irritated at the same time. "He was under my command briefly after graduating from the Academy."
Leia's expression shifted rapidly to disbelief as her brain tried to wrap itself around the idea of Han Solo as part of an elite Imperial commando unit. For some reason, the notion terrified her.
"I didn't know Solo went to the Academy!" an officer further down the table muttered.
"I suspected...," Rieekan said.
Madine shook his head, "One of the best pilots that went through the place. Quite brilliant. Graduated with a hoard of honours."
"And the Bloodstripe?" Rieekan inquired.
"A Corellian affectation." Madine waved his hand dismissively. "It's meaningless."
"To the Empire, perhaps," Rieekan asserted. "Not on Corellia."
"That's the Corellian Bloodstripe he wears?" Leia was astounded. "But I thought that was only awarded in cases of..."
"Extreme bravery," Rieekan confirmed.
Madine regarded the princess thoughtfully for a moment, then asked, "He still wears it, then?"
Leia nodded, momentarily at a loss for words.
"He was commissioned into the Imperial Navy?" Mon Mothma considered for a moment, then asked seriously, "Why isn't he captaining a Star Destroyer?"
"He was court-martialled for saving a Wookiee." Madine's tone turned the word Wookiee into a curse. "Freed the hairy behemoth from slavery and destroyed one of the most promising careers in the Navy." The fair-haired man looked down the table at a dozen faces staring at him in open-mouthed shock and shook his head. "Stupidest thing I ever saw."
Leia bridled, leaping to the Corellian's defence, "Stupid? To save someone from slavery? Isn't that why we're here?"
Madine acquiesced, regarding the Princess sympathetically. "You're quite right, of course. But you must understand I was in a purely Imperial frame of mind when it happened, and to see the Academy's shining star throw away the sort of career that promised he would be the youngest Moff ever..." Madine shrugged. "You have to understand the mindset. Solo's crime should have earned him the death penalty, but the powers that be were so incensed that one of their best and brightest could do something so..." He paused, struggling to find the right word. "...Heinous. And totally pathetic. The slave wasn't even human."
The ex-Imperial smiled at the assembly. "Solo made the Imperial Navy look bad. Very bad, and totally incompetent. And, being as popular as he was, they were terrified that others would follow his example." He shrugged. "Executing someone that popular often creates a martyr, so they made an example of him - shamed him, humiliated him, even labelled him 'the Imperial Joke, laughingstock of the Academy.' Drummed up charges on top of the slave thing and tossed him out with a dishonourable discharge."
"You were there?" Leia confirmed quietly, reeling from the sudden insight into Solo's psyche.
Madine nodded enthusiastically. "Oh, yes. I was one of his superiors."
"You helped court-martial him?"
Madine regarded the young princess for a long moment, then said frankly, "Not directly, no. But I would have."
Leia looked away, appalled but confused. She knew she should feel grateful. If Solo hadn't been thrown out...well, she wouldn't be here, would she?
"But Slick was always a loose cannon," Madine continued. "The practical jokes he pulled while he was at the Academy were...memorable, to say the least. And remain unsurpassed to this day." He looked down the table and added seriously, "You probably know Solo is no respecter of authority. I heard he turned to piracy when he left Imperial service. If the Alliance is going to continue doing business with him, I would be very careful."
Rieekan smiled coolly. "I don't suppose Solo is the only one here ashamed of his past."
Madine regarded the general carefully, then said, "Just so long as it is his past."
Rieekan smiled, and they heard a muffled, "I'm so alone!" from the wailing comlink outside the door.
Luke, Chewie and Solo were in the Secondary Mess eating lunch when they heard it coming. A strangely sibilant yodelling.
Everyone in the room looked up.
Luke frowned. "What the hell is that?" He looked around for the source but, like everyone else in the room, was unable to pinpoint which direction it was coming from.
"Uh oh," Solo muttered and sat up straight, taking a deep breath. "Brace for impact."
Luke frowned at the Corellian, then rolled his eyes. "What've you done?" Solo smiled smugly, and Luke persisted. "Han?"
The yodelling got louder, finally focusing on the princess as she stepped into the Mess.
"Oh, no," Luke groaned as he saw who had been the recipient of Solo's creative energy this time. "Oh, no..."
Leia stalked across to their table and, without a word, slammed the warbling comlink down in front of Han.
"OW!" it shrieked, making Luke and Chewie pull back from the table in shock. She slammed it down again, and once more it wailed painfully.
Solo beamed beneficently at her. "Hello, Most Holy of Holies. How has your day been?"
Leia regarded him for a moment, obviously struggling to control her temper. "Interesting," she said as she sat beside him, the comlink warbling happily in her palm.
Solo leaned away from her, regarding her suspiciously. He'd expected the usual tongue-lashing; this was a new approach for the princess. Ever adaptable, he smiled and conspiratorially leaned his head toward hers. "I heard you slept in this morning, O Punctual One."
"Really?" Leia let the comlink go, and it immediately started wailing about being left alone. Luke and Chewie struggled to suppress their snickers. She rested her hand on the comlink, and it sighed with relief. "Maybe you should check your sources."
Solo frowned, and she removed her hand from the comlink.
"No!" it wailed, "NOOOO!"
There were chuckles from all around the room now, and Chewie and Luke lost their battle, laughing openly.
"I met someone today," Leia said. "He knows you."
She had Solo's full attention. He put his hand on the comlink, attempting to silence it, but it shrieked even more, seemingly petrified by Solo.
"No, no!" it wailed. "Monster!" Luke and Chewie laughed harder and Leia looked at it, surprised, wondering whether Solo had planted that particular response to himself, or whether it was the device's own reaction to Solo's tampering.
Irritated, Solo picked up her hand and put the comlink in it, pacifying it.
"Who?" he demanded.
Leia deliberately dropped the comlink, delighting in Solo's wince as it commenced wailing again.
"I'll tell you on one condition," she purred, which immediately got Solo's back up.
"Oh, really?" He forced a smile, and she nodded arrogantly at him. "Well, my sweet, here's what you can do with your condition-" He picked up the comlink, which shrieked hysterically in his hand, and swiftly pushed it between the buttons of her shirt to nestle neatly in her cleavage.
Leia leapt out of her seat, affronted. "Han!" She abruptly paused, distracted by a new sound from the comlink.
"Oh...," it moaned. "Oh...yes..."
Leia's jaw dropped and Solo broke into a broad grin.
"Oh, oh, ohh!" groaned the comlink, and Leia blushed, giving Solo the most withering look she could manage while trying to get the thing out of her shirt. "Aaaaagggh!" it shrieked. "Oh, gods, yes!"
People were openly laughing, and Solo didn't think he'd ever seen the princess go quite this red. She finally got one of her buttons open as the comlink reached its "climax," pulled it out, and flung it across the room as it screamed, "Oh! Oh! Oh! Ahhgh!"
Solo surveyed the room, absolutely delighted. Then the princess grabbed the Corellian's ear, dragging him out of his seat.
"Ow, ow, ow!" he protested.
"My quarters, now!" she hissed.
"But - yeooww!"
"Now!"
"But, Princess!" he sputtered, as she dragged him away by his ear. "This is so sudden! OW!"
She let his ear go when they were out of the room, but continued to drag him by his vest.
"If I'd known you felt like this- " he began.
She turned on him. "You are coming with me, and you are going to fix or replace every single circuit you messed with in my cabin!"
"Now?"
"Yes, now!" she said, leading him forward again.
"All right," he acquiesced. "I'll fix the essential systems, your shower and stuff."
"No," she insisted. "You'll fix all of them."
"But that'll take ages!" he protested.
"I know," she agreed.
"Uh...I'll need my tools. From the Falcon."
Leia glared at him. "Let's go get them then, shall we?"
They arrived outside Leia's cabin soon after, Han armed with a box of tools. Leia paused in the act of activating the palmlock. Impatient, Solo growled, "What are you waiting for?"
Leia put her palm to the lock. The door opened, but she did not go in, instead regarding the Corellian through narrowed eyes. "How did you get in here?"
Solo grinned and bragged arrogantly, "Princess, there isn't anything anywhere I can't get into if I want to."
She seemed on the verge of laughing in his face. "Oh, really?"
He brought his face close to hers and rumbled in a low voice, "Really."
Leia stared at him in apparent shock, as if she were not quite certain whether she should laugh or slap him. Solo walked past her into the room and came to an abrupt halt, staring at the state of the room in something akin to shock. Looking around from behind him, Leia sighed. "Oh, I thought Threepio would have had this clean by now..."
Solo put down the small box of tools he was carrying, surveying the room in wonder. "You used the food dispenser."
"Yes," she admitted in a tight voice.
"Oh." He snorted, starting to laugh
"Isn't this what you had in mind?"
He laughed, not at Leia but at the state of the room. Incredulous that she seemed to have triggered all of his pranks in the one morning. "Oh, Princess, you've outdone yourself!"
"Me?" she responded hotly. "Do you have any idea what I went through this morning?!"
Solo made an encompassing gesture with his hands and laughed again. "But, sweetheart, this is a work of art!" Leia scowled, and he added urgently, "Where's your recorder? I have to have a record of this!"
"Why? Keep records of all your practical jokes, Han?"
"The good ones, yeah."
"Big datafile, is it?"
He grinned suggestively. "Come to the Falcon later, and I'll show you."
"Right..." she agreed, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Where's your recorder?" Solo persisted.
Leia sighed and began rummaging in a bunkside locker. "I feel like an accomplice," she growled.
Solo checked the 'fresher cubicle, but it seemed to have escaped the explosion of food. Then he noticed a tumble of white on the floor beside the shower and gasped.
Leia looked up, recorder in hand. "What?"
Solo emerged from the 'fresher holding the white senatorial gown against his chest almost reverently. Displayed thus, the full damage to the dress could be seen clearly.
Leia eyed it darkly. "I wasn't game to put it in the 'valet-" she started.
"You were dressed!" Solo exclaimed then paraded exuberantly, holding the dress as though he were wearing it. "You were dressed!" He paused, hearing the definitive click of the recorder, and looked back at a now wickedly smiling princess.
"For my datafile," she said.
He beamed at her, unfazed, then held the dress at arm's length and looked from it to Leia. "Admit it," he teased. "You were trying to relive the garbage masher."
She snorted inelegantly and handed him the recorder. "Hardly! But it was obviously one of the high points in your life."
"Of course," he agreed sarcastically. "It was there that I first learned to appreciate your wit and wisdom!" He gave the dress one more look before tossing it back onto the 'fresher floor, then eyed her knowingly. "I wondered why you weren't in full Alderaanian regalia for your meeting with the defector. I thought it was because you'd overslept. I had no idea..." He chuckled, shaking his head, unable to believe how well his joke had worked.
Backing into the doorway, Solo aimed the recorder at the room. "Over there, where I can see you," he said, watching her through the imager's viewfinder and waving her towards the bunk.
"You want me in it?!"
"Absolutely."
"Have you lost your mind? No, wait, let me guess - you want me to smile, too."
He grinned at her. "No, your usual scowl will do just fine."
Leia turned to glare at him, livid, and Solo took the picture.
"I would really, really like to hit you!" she hissed, her fists clenching and unclenching impotently at her sides.
Solo lowered the recorder to wink at her, then raised it again. "Now one of you holding the dress."
"Ha!" She stormed over to the box of tools, picked it up, and thrust it at him. "Get to work, flyboy!" She smiled icily and added, "You can clean while you're here."
Solo handed her the imager and accepted the toolkit in return. "And what are you going to do, Your Worship?" He eyed her lasciviously. "Watch?"
"You think I'd leave you in here? Alone?" He grinned and she continued, "Yes, Han, I'm going to watch. And I'm going to torment you the whole time."
"There's a prelude to a night of passion if ever I heard one."
"Oh, I'm sure there'll be passion, Han. Just not the sort you have in mind."
"Hey," he said, moving into the 'fresher with the box of tools. "I can imagine, can't I?"
Leia looked at the 'fresher door, hearing him start work in her shower. Imagine what? Something told her he didn't mean the sort of passion she was talking about. He meant... Leia swallowed. Han wanted to imagine being passionate with her? Lewd images flashed to mind and she hastily dismissed them, disturbed.
"I bet the cold shower woke you up," Solo's voice chuckled at her from the 'fresher.
"Oh, yes," she agreed darkly, stripping the bed. "Particularly after the food unit had sprayed everything in the room!"
He didn't even try to suppress his laughter. "What about the comlink?" he asked, then stuck his head out the door and grinned at her. "Bet that livened up the meeting?"
Leia dropped the food-splattered bedclothes and looked at him, trying to summon the rage she'd felt earlier. But from the distance of a few hours she could see the humour in the situation. Almost.
"Mon Mothma wants to make you morale officer," she said, letting him see the amusement in her eyes. Solo guffawed delightedly and she added, "But General Rieekan explained..." She paused and glanced away.
"That I'm not one of the troops." he finished for her. He looked at the floor for a moment before meeting her eyes again, and for a fraction of a second Leia thought she saw a whisper of regret. Then one side of his mouth twitched up. "How did that go down?"
"The new officer wanted you booted out on the spot."
"The Imperial defect?"
She nodded, trying not to smile at his deliberate insult of the man.
"Who changed his mind?" he asked, eyeing her smugly. "You?"
Leia met his eyes. "No. You."
The smile slid from his face. She watched him put two and two together, a predatory smile on her lips. "Think you could change his mind, 'Slick'?"
Solo rolled his eyes. "What's his name?" he growled.
"How's my shower?" she asked brightly. "Fixed?"
Solo scowled and turned back to the temperature display unit. Leia stood in the doorway, watching, as he finished the adjustments and replaced the cover. He set the temperature and hit the water release, putting his hand in the flow of water.
"Perfect," he said, but Leia squeezed in beside him and put her own hand in. Solo regarded her with an arrogant expression. "Don't trust me, sweetheart?"
The look she threw him was incredulous. "Would you?" She wiped her hand on a towel and moved back into the cabin.
Grinning, Solo switched off the shower, gathered up his tools and followed her. "Of course!" He moved to her bunk and paused, eyeing it dramatically.
Watching him, Leia frowned, unable to determine what he was looking at. "What?" she demanded.
Closing his eyes, he said, "I need a moment."
"For what?"
"Respect." He opened his eyes and regarded her seriously. "I'm proceeding onto hallowed ground."
"What?"
Understanding finally dawned on Leia, and she watched with growing irritation as Solo melodramatically sat on the edge of her bunk.
"Yes!" he crowed exuberantly. "I will be able to report back to the Rogues that I sat on the princess' bunk and survived the experience!"
Report to the Rogues? Leia scowled. Hallowed ground? "Will you hurry up?"
He made a show of looking hurt. "And ruin the moment?"
"Don't tempt me."
Solo grinned delightedly and reached across to the chrono on the bulkhead beside the bunk. Opening it tripped the gloat circuit, but Solo disconnected it before it had finished the first syllable.
"So?" he asked, removing the tampered circuit. "Who is he?"
Leia considered dragging it out a little longer, enjoying his curiosity, but Solo was likely to dig his heels in after that, and she'd have blown her only chance for getting some of his past out of him. Besides, she wanted his insight on the defector.
"Crix Madine," she answered, watching his face carefully.
Solo stopped what he was doing and gave her a shocked look. "You're kidding." Leia shook her head. "Shit." He thought for a moment, then added, "The Imps'll be a tad upset about that one."
"The Imperials think he was killed in an explosion on Pharabandos."
"One of ours?"
Leia smiled mentally at his unconscious slip. Ours, not yours. She shook her head. "He made certain there were no connections to us."
"So his family wouldn't pay."
"His family were on Rinicha," Leia said quietly.
Solo's gaze had grown distant, as if he were remembering Imperial punishments meted out on families in the past - and, not for the first time, Leia wondered what he had seen. What were the experiences, so closely guarded, that made up this complex man?
Her mention of Rinicha finally seemed to sink in, and he frowned. Then his expression sickened, and Leia knew he had heard about the genocide on that world, despite the subsequent Imperial claims that natural disaster had been responsible for the destruction.
"Shit," he muttered. "How'd he find out?"
"He stumbled across records of Shenegar's involvement."
An emotionless mask fell over Solo's features and he turned back to the chrono circuit. The reaction was unusual enough for Leia to notice and log, leaving her suspecting it had more to do with the mention of Shenegar, the Emperor's chief geneticist, than Rinicha.
"I was hoping you might be able to tell me a little bit about him," she said.
"Not entirely comfortable with our Imperial defect?"
"No," she admitted.
"Good girl."
Leia bridled at the condescending compliment, but at the same time felt irrationally pleased with it. "So?" she pushed.
He finished the work on the chrono and reconnected it to the bulkhead. "I could tell you stuff," he admitted, then turned and grinned at her. "But where's the fun in that?"
Leia rolled her eyes, exasperated. Why did he always have to be so difficult?
"You want me to pay you for the information?"
"Gotta make a living somehow, sweetheart."
"I'll take it out of the cleaning bill I'm going to give you. Not to mention what I'm going to charge you for the recording you just took." Leia folded her arms across her chest and regarded him, smugly. "I don't know, Hotshot. Unless you've got some damn fine information for me, you're gonna end up owing me money."
"Oh, you're good," Solo chuckled.
"I know." She threw him one of her rare, heart-stopping smiles. "So, Han, what can you tell me?"
The door chimed and Solo laughed. Leia glared at it and scowled at Solo as she moved to answer it. He picked up his tools and moved to the food unit.
It was Threepio, with two cabin maintenance droids.
"I called you four hours ago, Threepio!" Leia snapped, more irritated with the droid's interruption than his tardiness.
"Princess Leia, I am so sorry! But, it seems there was a burnout in the governing circuit for the maintenance droids. There are none working on the ship at all. I managed to borrow these from the supply transport that docked with us half an hour ago."
"Give Goldenrod a star for lateral thinking," Solo crooned.
Threepio looked past the princess to the Corellian, obviously surprised to find him there. "Why, hello, Captain Solo. May I ask why you are in the princess' cabin, sir?"
"Repairs," Leia said darkly and threw a warning look at Solo. Then she stood back and waved the droids in. "Come on Threepio."
She moved over beside Solo who had the cover off the food unit, busily fiddling with wires, and said in a low voice, "Governing circuit for maintenance droids? You really think of everything, don't you?"
Solo grinned. "Nothing if not thorough, sweetheart."
"Oh, my!" Threepio exclaimed, seeing the mess as he entered the room, the borrowed maintenance droids filing in behind him.
"Problem with the food unit, Threepio," Leia said, indicating Solo.
"I see...," he said, still regarding the mess with awe. "It seems very fortunate that you were here to help make repairs, Captain Solo."
"See," Solo said, childishly. "He appreciates me."
"Thank you for going to the trouble of finding the droids, Threepio," Leia said, pointedly ignoring Solo. "How long do you think it will take to clean everything up?"
"Oh, I shouldn't think it will take too long, Your Highness."
"Good."
"And you're very welcome."
"Thank you."
"It is, after all, my duty to-"
"Thank you, Threepio. I think they're waiting for instructions?"
Threepio turned and looked at the maintenance droids as though he had forgotten them. "Of course, mistress Leia."
He proceeded to order the droids about and the cleaning got underway.
Leia sat, cross-legged on her bunk, to keep out of their way, and one of the droids immediately tried to 'clean up' Solo's tools. He snatched them back, but it soon became evident that the single-minded droids would not be dissuaded, even with Threepio's intervention.
He tried to take refuge in the 'fresher, but Threepio was there and the vision of Threepio and himself in an enclosed space was the stuff of Solo's nightmares. Irritated beyond belief, Solo retreated to the bunk, cursing the stupid droids and bitching about the time being wasted. The relentless droids even forced his feet off the floor, and he crossed his legs, mirroring the princess.
Caught up in his own irritation, it took Solo a moment to become aware of how uncomfortable the princess looked. In fact, she wouldn't look at him at all. Solo looked away, devilment swiftly replacing irritation and, like a gift from the gods, the chime sounded for change of shift.
They both looked at the open door and Leia groaned, hiding her face in her hands. Solo put his hands behind his head and leaned languorously against the bulkhead, angling his now outstretched legs so they ran mostly along the bunk and only his feet, casually crossed at the ankles, hung over the edge. Soon people started filing past, and at least one in three glanced in through the open door...to see Solo lounging very comfortably with the princess on her bunk.
Solo grinned happily at anyone who noticed and threw a cocky assurance to the princess. "This is going to do wonders for your reputation, sweetheart."
"Tell me about it," came the muffled reply through her hands.
Solo leaned towards her and said in a low, supposedly innocent voice, "You know, if you act guilty, people are gonna assume..."
Leia looked at him over the tops of her fingers. "What?"
"Well..." One side of his face grinned while the other half remained semi-serious, and the result was quite comical. "You know."
Leia lowered her hands, trying not to laugh at him. The last thing the lunatic needed was encouragement!
"What else are they going to think?" she said. "With you lying there like that?"
Solo pointed to himself in shocked innocence, and Leia rolled her eyes.
Two officers walked past, making definite eye contact, and Leia groaned. "You know, Han, there are times when I think I actually might hate you."
Solo smiled - his full, open, drop-dead gorgeous smile - and Leia wanted to hide her face again.
"Nah!" he said, and Leia snickered despite her efforts not to.
"Princess?"
General Rieekan stood on the hall side of the doorframe, regarding them both with vaguely amused confusion.
Solo hastily sat up, shedding some of his cocky demeanor, and Leia simply looked mortified. Rieekan moved into the small cabin and she stammered, "General, this isn't what it looks like-"
"Yes, it is," Solo quipped. "She wants information about Madine. Said she'd do anything. Next thing I know-" He flung himself across the princess' lap, arms thrown over his head in a helpless gesture, and beamed up at her. "I'm completely at her mercy!"
"Get off me!" Leia said hotly, hitting him. Solo sat up, looking melodramatically perplexed, and she leapt off the bed. "That is not true!" she insisted to Rieekan, trying not to trip over a droid.
The general could see the cleaning droids and what was left of the mess, and had put two and two together. Nevertheless, he smirked as he asked her, "Find out anything useful?"
Leia eyed him irritably, uncertain how she should answer, but Solo gloated, "Not yet. We keep getting interrupted."
"Ah," Rieekan said, nodding sagely, and Leia's eyes narrowed.
"What?" she said suspiciously. "Are you two in league or something?"
"Or something," Rieekan agreed, and Solo grinned. The General indicated the room, sidestepping a droid, and asked him, "Another masterpiece?"
The Corellian put a hand to his mouth to stop himself laughing out loud, but his eyes screamed at the General, Like you wouldn't believe!
The princess was regarding Rieekan with suspicious affront, her arms folded defensively across her chest, and he smiled at her. "Keep up the good work, Princess," he said, and she knew he was referring to Solo's innuendoes. "Perhaps you could give me a report over dinner?"
Leia nodded tightly then asked, "On Madine or Solo, General?"
Rieekan almost laughed and turned to leave, then eyed them fondly over his shoulder. "Both," he said.
"Ah, you just want to know if the rumours are true," Solo purred arrogantly.
Rieekan raised an eyebrow and teased, "What rumours, Han?" He left the cabin and made a point of shutting the door.
A cleaning droid blatted at Solo, and he picked his feet up off the floor again. It moved to the princess a meter away and blatted at her too. Leia scowled, kicked it, and retreated back to the bunk.
"Poor, harmless droid," Solo chided her.
"You're right," Leia agreed. "I should be kicking you." She sighed and looked at him. "So, are you going to tell me anything about Madine or do we have to keep playing this stupid game?"
"Game?"
Leia moaned and dropped her head into her hands. "Goddess, give me strength!" Why did he have to be so difficult?
Solo regarded her for a moment, then seemed to relent. "Well, if you really want me to tell you what I know about him..."
Expecting another of his "bargains," Leia's irritation got the better of her. "No, Han, I want you to tell me what you don't know!" she snapped.
Solo leaned away from her. "Somebody's pissed."
"Yes, I'm pissed! Half the ship just walked past and saw you lounging on my bed! And all you can do is smirk! And General Rieekan!" She threw her hands in the air in a gesture of frustration. "What is it with you two?"
Solo grinned. "We're sleeping together."
Leia rolled her eyes and wondered what she had done to deserve this.
"Hey." He sounded conciliatory. "Truth is, I don't know that there's a lot to tell. He was my commanding officer when I did a stint with Imperial Intelligence."
"An exceptional bunch, I've heard," Leia said, eyeing him carefully.
Solo looked away, obviously uncomfortable with his own recollections. "That's one way of describing it, I suppose." Finally, he met her gaze and said, "I was their pilot." His tone gave Leia the distinct impression that he wanted to distance himself as much as possible from that team's accomplishments.
"Did you like him?"
"Not really. He's Corellian and always seemed obsessed with proving how atypical he was." Solo smiled ironically. "I think he saw me as a personal affront. He thought I was a perfect example of the galactic view of Corellians, and that really pissed him off. He's very by-the-book."
"He knew a lot about you."
Solo's expression darkened. "Oh, so you spent the meeting talking about me, huh?"
"The comlink made you a point of discussion." Solo scowled and looked away from her. "He also said that he supported your court martial from the Imperial Navy for saving a Wookiee," she continued, watching his tension grow with each word.
"Like I said," he snapped. "By-the-book."
"And that the only reason you weren't executed was your popularity. Said they labelled you 'the Imperial Joker'.
"Joke," he corrected her, his tone bitter. "I was the joke."
Leia ran her hands over her knees and regarded him seriously. "Well, Han, after the Death Star, I'd say the joke's on them - wouldn't you?"
He was silent for a time, then smiled tightly and muttered, "Yeah."
When he finally looked at her, Solo's expression was guarded, but Leia was regarding him with pride. For a moment their eyes held, and a new emotion passed between them.
"Excuse me, Princess Leia?"
Leia was shocked to realize that she'd been so absorbed by Solo, she had not noticed Threepio standing in front of her and eyed him irritably. "What?"
"The cleaning is complete, Your Highness. If you would be so kind as to move, the droids will make your bed."
"Oh." Leia uncurled her legs and got off the bunk as Solo did the same, bringing them face to face in the small space. Solo's mouth twitched in a small smile and he turned to the food unit, while Leia swallowed and moved to stand by the door.
"So," Solo said, working on the food unit, "what d'you think I should do to him?"
It took Leia a moment to realize he was talking about playing a joke on Madine. She folded her arms across her chest and said, "Han, you can't."
"Why not?" He looked affronted.
"He's too high up. Luke, the pilots, me...that's different."
"You're a senior officer," he pointed out, amused.
"Not really," she corrected. "And I'm certainly not a general."
"They're making him a general?"
"Probably. Rieekan and Dodonna have vouched for him; both knew him when they were part of the Empire, and his experience and expertise warrant it."
"Sweetheart, nobody's too high for one of my jokes. Nobody."
"Oh, really?" she mocked. "Not even the Supreme Commander?"
"You want me to play a joke on Mon Mothma?"
"You wouldn't dare!" she taunted.
"Give me a couple of days to figure out something I think she'll...appreciate."
Leia was suddenly nervous. "Han, you can't-"
"Sure I can," he said, and his smile shifted into one of devilment. "Wanna help?"
Threepio and the departure of the maintenance droids interrupted Leia's heated negative. She thanked the protocol droid hurriedly, rushing him out the door, then turned back to Solo, who was looking delightfully inspired.
"You know I think I already have an idea...," he said.
"Han, you can't-" His words sunk in and her expression shifted to one of unguarded trepidation. "What?"
Solo replaced the cover on the food unit and eyed her smugly. "You didn't want to be involved."
"I don't!" she agreed. "But what are you going to do?"
"Wait and see," he crowed happily, then frowned into the middle distance. "I might see if I can manage something for Madine at the same time."
Leia moaned. "Oh, goddess..."
Solo grinned and finished packing up his tools with a flourish. "There you go, Your Worship. All fixed."
Leia eyed him suspiciously. "Is that everything?"
"Everything," Solo assured her.
"What about the autovalet?"
"Untouched."
"So there's nothing else in here that you've programmed to...go berserk?"
Solo shook his head.
"Nothing?" she insisted.
He looked her in the eye. "Nothing."
Leia did not mention Solo's intentions for the Alliance Supreme Commander to General Rieekan, but she did recommend him for a freight mission that would keep him out of everyone's hair for at least a week. The ridiculously naïve part of her hoped that by the time he returned, Solo would have forgotten his scheming, but the realistic part knew she had really only given him more planning time.
She downloaded the data from her recorder while he was away and, while chagrined at the picture he had taken of her, was delighted with the one she had taken of him prancing around with her senatorial gown. The simpering look on his face was priceless! Grinning, Leia decided she might even be able to threaten him with it.
Solo had been back for two days, and Leia was so stressed from the anticipation of what he might do that she confronted him and tried to talk him out of it. Solo had smiled sweetly and told her, "Not a chance."
But on returning to her cabin that evening, Leia triggered another of his little surprises. A small thing really, barely worth giving Solo the satisfaction of a reaction. Tense as she already was, Leia fumed as she sat listening to the gloat circuit give its little spiel while a small cloud of powder, which had exploded from the comm unit over her bunk, settled comfortably over everything. Then, out of sheer vindictiveness, Leia accessed her image data and downloaded the picture of Han prancing around with her dress into the computer mainframe, setting it so that it would be the first image on everyone's computer screen the next morning.
Delighted with herself, Leia slept better than she had in fifteen days.