"Dean is in trouble,Cas." Sam says to Cas. He said what he needed to say to Dean now. But in his heart, he was feeling hopeless. He didn't know what to do anymore. Dean had killed Cain. Sam had had a tiny flicker of hope that maybe, Cain would be able to help. But again, wouldn't he have helped himself if he knew. They have scoured all the books that the MoL bunker has. They couldn't find anything. Dean has researched more in past few days than he had done his whole life combined. He is worried about himself. And that doesn't happen that often, Sam is the one who is normally at the receiving end of Dean's all concern. But this time Dean is really terrified, he can see it in the shake of Dean's hand when he is picking up a gun or a hunting knife. Sam understands all this. He has been through it, after all. Not one time. He also had to deliberately give into his dark side so he could overcome Lucifer, to save the world. To save Dean. So that Dean could have the life he always deserved. The one which Sam dreamt a long time ago. Before going to Stanford, hoping that Dean would come with him. Its no use diggin' around in that hole now though. He needs to do something, think something, for Dean. He has known for a long time now that his main strength is Dean... It was Dean who brought him back from the brink against Lucifer. Not some damn demon blood on which he had depended. It is Dean, and it has always been Dean. And he doesn't think it will change in the near future, or any future. He can't see a life where Dean isn't everything for him.
He turns to see Cas, who is staring at him with that unblinking intense gaze he has. But its not intimidating. Not anymore. Angels used to be big scary things, now they are no more than some bunch of chaotic mess who don't know how to get their shit together. He knows Cas is doing whatever he can, but its not enough. Sam also has a feeling Metatron is not going to be useful either.
"You are thinking too much." Cas comments.
"Is there anything I can do, besides that?" Sam says flatly. Self loathing evident in his voice, for everything he isn't able to do for Dean. Sam can say he doesn't like his self much, too many screw ups in his life. But he hates himself most when he isn't able to help Dean, to do anything so it can ease Dean somehow. He looks at Dean sometimes and it breaks his heart to see how hopeless he looks. Dean has always been there for him. In every up and in every down. In his most dark moments of life. Sam has tried to do the same. But Dean has an ability to clam up whenever he is feeling down or hopeless or in need of anyone. He builds his walls more higher than usual in times of calamity. But Sam has sensed something changing these past few days. Dean is the same but he can see that he is not trying to hide his vulnerability like he has always done. He is actually letting Sam in. He said to him that he was scared. And Sam didn't know if he should start crying or laughing. Or maybe both at the same time. While he was happy that Dean is letting him in, he also felt terrified because Dean admitting his fears means that it is getting too bad. Out of control and something has to be done.
Sam turns to Cas, "I will go, hit the shack then. Thanks.. Thanks for today." Sam said tiredly.
"You don't need to thank me, I didn't do anything of help." Cas says matter of factly. And Sam can only nod. He starts making his way towards the rooms knowing Cas will see himself out.
He stops in front of Dean's room which is slightly open. He opens it to peek inside to see if Dean is asleep. He sees Dean wide awake, gazing up at the ceiling, unfocused. He doesn't even notice the door opening. And Dean is the one whose senses are on high alert all the time. So Sam is surprised that he doesn't notice. Sam doesn't know if its because Dean feels safe at the bunker or if he is just in deep thoughts that he isn't even aware of his surroundings. Sam suspects the latter.
Sam clears his throat to get Dean's attention. Dean turns towards him, a surprised expression on his face.
"Hey" Sam murmurs. His voice sounds a little scratchy to himself. God, it hurts to look at Dean like this. Dean is looking at him with squinted eyes as though they were closed and he is adjusting to the light. They were wide open, Sam knows.
"Hey you." Dean says back. In a very small voice. Sam is surprised it even carried to him. Sam walks inside the room without asking for Dean's permission. Dean would have shot back some sarcastic remark about him entering his room without asking for permission when he is sleeping, or pretending to be sleeping, but Dean just sighs a little. Doesn't even sit up from his laying position. Just stares back at the ceiling. Too tired to pretend anything. Sam thinks.
Sam goes and kneels down beside the bed where Dean's head is. He can see lines around the edges of Dean, it seems like they are just getting deeper with every passing second. Sam used to call them laugh lines, in his head obviously. Dean would kick him to another state if he said them aloud. But now they are just expressing bone deep tiredness. Tired of life. Tired of everything. Sam can't even see that they will get peace when they die. They can't escape the bad luck even when they are dead. It would follow them to hell or heaven wherever. Dean is not even looking at him. He is ignoring Sam for all intents and purposes. Its okay though. Sam is not here for making conversation or small talks. He just wanted to see Dean. Its a little creepy though. But if Dean is not saying anything, who is he to question himself.
He has just been sitting there for ten minutes now, without saying anything. His back is now on the side table of Dean's bed. Dean hasn't said a word either. But the silence is not uncomfortable or awkward. It just feels like before, when they used to share a motel room. Both of them in the same room but still able to be in their own heads. Understanding by the body language what the other needed. He looks at Dean again, he finds Dean looking at him now. He tries to give Dean a small smile, trying so damn hard but his throat is closing up against the tears that are threatening to fall down at any moment. He looks away. He has cried a lot of times before, but he tries to do it in the sanctuary of his own room. Away from Dean's piercing and worrying gaze. In all this mess, Dean still worries about Sam. That's not gonna change anytime, Sam thinks. Dean has been taking care of him, worrying for him his whole life. Its ingrained in him. It just can't stop regardless of what's happening in his own life.
Sam stands up abruptly, not trusting his emotions to not go hay wired. He is turning away when he feels a tug on his sleeve shirt. He closes his eyes for good measure, to rein in all the emotions and turns to look at Dean. Dean is looking at him with concern. Here it comes again. Sam thinks.
"You okay?" Dean asks in a gravely voice. Still having a hold on his sleeve. He then pushes himself up in a sitting position and moves towards the side to make some room for Sam. Dean pats the mattress in front, gesturing for Sam to sit down. Sam does as Dean says. He is looking down when Dean tries to get his attention again. "Are you okay, Sam?" Sam nods. He really needs to get his bearings together. Sam sucks in a deep breath and finally looks up to Dean, who is looking concerned, and damn, Sam wants to cry just at the sight.
"I am okay." Sam manages to say. Even trying for a small smile.
"Yeah, I can see that little brother. Like I am not the one who thought you that." Dean says with a raised eyebrow and a small, genuine smile playing on his lips. Sam gives him his own little smile, this time genuine. Sam doesn't know what to say though. Doesn't want to say anything. His emotions are still raw and he just...doesn't know anything.
"I...uuh..wanted to thank you Sam." Sam looks at Dean at that. His expressions incredulous. "For what?!" Sam asks.
"For everything..I mean believing in me, not giving up on me. Still trying, when we both know there is no way out." Dean says in a small voice. Sam takes it for what it is. Knowing he is not worthy of it because he hasn't done anything. But still accepting it. Its not everyday that Dean says something like this. Even though he doesn't deem himself worthy, he feels warmth bloom in his chest at Dean's words. Wants to tuck it away for rainy days.
"Yeah, well.." Sam doesn't know what to say. He is smiling a little though.
"Cain said something, Sam." Dean says softly, worry etched in his tone.
"What?" Sam asks carefully.
"You know how the lore goes, that he saved his brother Abel by killing him and became what he is, so..." Dean stopped. Taking a deep breath like he is gathering himself to say something which he doesn't want to. Sam doesn't say anything. Just waits patiently for Dean to continue. Maybe he will now know the reason why Dean had a devastating look on his face when he returned from the barn after killing Cain, and fell into his arms. At first, Sam thought it was because Dean didn't really want to kill Cain, but later, Sam realised that it was something more deeper. He thought he would never know what it was, since Dean is not a sharing type of person. But apparently, It looked like Sam was about to know.
"He said I wouldn't be able to hold in much longer, that I would give into it sooner or later and that I will kill you Sam.. I will kill you and I won't be me anymore after that. Sam I ..." Dean couldn't continue, he shut his eyes tightly, trying to hold in all the emotions. Sam didn't say anything. Didn't know what to say. He put his hands around Dean's shoulder and just pulled him in. Dean put his head on Sam's shoulders pliantly and put his hand around Sam's stomach. Sam heard a hitching sound from Dean and felt himself breaking as well.
"I don't want to kill you Sam, how can I... I don't even know..God. How am I gonna survive if I kill you.." Dean said in a wet voice, like he was trying not to cry. Sam didn't mention the fact that when he kills Sam, he won't care about it anymore. That he won't be him. Dean has always been the one who has kept Sam human, and he thinks its vice versa. They have been surrounded by so much evil that sometimes they forget their own humanity.
"You can't kill me, Dean. Its not in you." Sam says, trying so damn hard to sound strong and believing for the both of them. But his voice sounds weak even to his own ears.
"You think so?" Dean raises his head from Sam's shoulder and looks Sam straight in the eye.
"I was so ready to kill you when I was a demon Sam, what makes you think I won't do it again?" Dean asks like he wants Sam to give him some positive answer.
"You have seen me first hand Sam, how I lose myself. You saw with the shape shifter. Heck even Charlie." Dean's eyes are wet with tears. Sam holds Dean more closely and places his cheeks on Dean's head.
"Don't let me kill you Sam.. Don't let me become that thing..please Sam.." Sam knows what Dean is asking. But he can't give Dean this single thing. He can't. Call him selfish. But he just won't. And wouldn't let anyone else do it either.
"Don't ask me that Dean..please don't" Sam finally let's a tear escape from his eyes and it absorbs into Dean's hair.
"We have always gone against the rules, against the normal Dean, we have always said screw destiny and we have averted our own fates. We can also do this Dean. We can at least try. Please don't give up so easily Dean, please don't." Sam almost begs to Dean.
"I don't give a crap what happened to Cain, maybe he didn't love someone enough to control his urges but I know you. And you have me Dean. You have done the impossible for me Dean, you can do this also." Sam is just crying now. Not caring about it anymore. He can feel Dean's shoulder shaking with little sobs and knows he is crying as well. He believes in what he said. He will give his damn best trying to look out for Dean, make sure he doesn't go over the edge or he will die trying. But damn him if he ever let's anybody hurt Dean, whatever he becomes. He will still be Sam's. Sam has a new determination to look for it more harder. Maybe Cain didn't know all there was to know. Maybe if Sam looks some more he could find something. He says so to Dean as well.
"You know what Cain didn't have Dean? He didn't have a brother. He killed him even before he went whole dark side. I will find something Dean. Maybe Cain missed something or he really didn't want a cure. But I am going to give my best shot Dean. Please hang on a little bit for me, Dean. Please just a little longer."
"Its because of you that I have come this far Sam, and even when I wasn't, you pulled me back. I have been trying my best and I will keep doing it for you. I just don't know how long Sam..I just don't know." Dean says dejectedly. "Then just keep doing that for me. Keep doing that. I will find a way." Sam says with renewed determination. He is not going to lose his brother. Not now. Not ever. If Dean ever goes down, Sam is going down with him. He has spent time without Dean, and he is not going to do it again. Doesn't think he can do it even if he tries. He doesn't want. And that's that.
Dean moves his head from Sam's shoulders and wipes his face with his sleeves. He then lies down on his side, facing Sam and closes his eyes. Taking Sam's hand which is on the mattress, and clasping it in his both hands tightly. Sam understands what it means. He props himself on the head board and half lies, closing his eyes as well. Dean doesn't want him to go now, and Sam is not planning to let him go. Ever.