So I had written this a couple of years ago just as something cute and funny and had forgotten to upload it. I had recently discovered it decomposing on my old computer's hard drive, read it, and thought that it was upload-worthy. So here it is for your reading pleasure. :)
Oh and I don't own Harry Potter. Or the metric system.
Severus Snape was having a truly horrible day. For one thing, at breakfast, that Potter kid had been staring at him the whole time, as if he'd never seen someone like Snape before. To top it off, the oatmeal was runny and Quirrell spilled his orange juice on Snape's lap. It took all of his self-restraint to prevent himself from hexing Quirrell with all of the nastiest spells he knew and to merely grimace and dry his robes off with a wave of his wand. It seemed that every year the Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers got easier and easier to hate.
However, his woes quickly multiplied during his classes after two of the second-year Gryffindors decided it would be amusing to switch one of the Slytherins' powdered snake fang with itching powder, causing his cauldron to explode and the whole class to be sent to the hospital wing until their fierce itching ceased. Snape had sent the two responsible into detention for a week and had also had the pleasure of taking ten points from Gryffindor each. Although, Snape privately admitted to himself, the Slytherin had been a bit of a git for not noticing the clear difference between the powdered snake fangs and the itching powder.
So, altogether, he was in a foul mood when the first-years came into the dungeons. He withheld a grimace when he was reminded that one of the Gryffindors was a Weasley. He privately hoped there would not be another incident caused by him like that in the second-years' class. But, unfortunately, he got something much, much worse.
He gave his fiercest scowl to all of the first-years and said, "Today we will be making a Fizzing Potion, the companion to the Bubbling Potion," Snape waved his wand and the directions appeared on the board, "You will find what you need in the student's supply over there. Begin."
Everyone immediately got up and walked over to the students' supply storage. Well, all except for one. The girl with abnormally bushy hair, whom Snape had realized would be a major pain in the arse on the first day, was still sitting at her desk with her hand high up in the air.
Snape raised his eyebrow and said, "Do you have a question Miss Granger?"
Everyone else in the class froze and looked over at Hermione. Nobody said a word.
"Yes, Professor," she said in her know-it-all voice, "I was just wondering… why don't we have more accurate measurements for making potions?"
"Excuse me?"
"Well, it's just that some of these measurements that you've put up on the board are rather vague and could leave room for error."
"And how, Miss Granger, would that be?" Snape felt a vein in his right temple give a hard throb, but he ignored it.
"Well, for the first step, it says that we must add a dragon claw. I think that's rather vague because there are many kinds of dragons and even within the same species, the sizes of their claws would vary, according to genetics, which dictates that there would be a variety of claw lengths, based on…"
"Muggle science has no place in a magical institute, Miss Granger, since magic defies the primitive Muggle 'laws' of science."
"Well, the point is, that the variety of the sizes of each individual dragon claw could upset the ratio of ingredients being added, which could cause impurities or abnormalities in the result. At least the Muggle equivalent of Potions uses more accurate measurements and reasons out why we have to add specific ingredients to get certain results…"
Snape's lip began to curl unpleasantly and his face was turning red. "Miss Granger, this is Potions class, not--"
"It's Chemistry, Professor," Hermione interjected. "And we use accurate measurements, like the mole…"
"Or the liter!" Dean added.
"Don't forget the gram!" Harry shouted with a smile. Chemistry had been one of the more enjoyable classes he had taken, partially because one time Dudley had accidentally spilled a chemical on himself and had turned brown for a week. He remembered that Aunt Petunia had been horrified when Dudley came home as a brown blob, resembling the leavings of a dog. Unfortunately, for the next week after being wrongly blamed for the incident by the Dursleys, Harry had been locked up in his cupboard under the stairs, but it had been worth the sight.
Soon, all of the students in Snape's class who had taken Chemistry in Muggle primary school were blurting out the other metric units.
"SILENCE!!!" Snape yelled, red in the face, his temple throbbing. Everyone was silent.
"Well?" Hermione piped up. "Why don't we use more accurate units, Professor?"
Professor Dumbledore was having a very strange day. First, he had discovered that his lemon drops had been bewitched by one of the queer second-years to fly around squeaking obscenities. Then, he had been informed that an entire Potions class had been sent to the hospital wing. And now, one of his teachers was having a mental break-down in his office.
"I don't understand why they're doing this to me!" Professor Trelawney sobbed into the chair in front of Dumbledore's desk. "It must be some kind of conspiracy! They must be trying to get me to resign! Whatever the reason, I WANT MY WUGGLES BACK!!!!!"
Dumbledore, who had been passively been watching this scene, was about to speak when one of his enchanted lemon drops squeaked, "Eat dung!"
Trelawney continued to shriek into the chair.
"Well, Sibyll, since you are the clairvoyant one, you should know where your 'Wuggles' is," Dumbledore pointed out with a smile. "Although if I knew what a 'Wuggles' is, I would be more capable of assisting."
"Well, sir, it's my biggest b-" But before Trelawney could finish, Professor Snape burst into the room with a livid expression on his face.
"Severus, is something wrong?"
"You don't pay me enough for this job!" Snape hissed as he came in.
"Excuse me, Severus? Why have you just decided this? It was you who agreed on your salary in your contract just last year," Dumbledore said, raising his eyebrows.
"I can't teach them anymore, sir! They're trying to drive me mad with their odious questions! It's probably Potter's doing… an arrogant toe rag just like his father! It's getting to be so unbearable that I'm thinking about handing in my resignation right now!"
"Did they steal your Wuggles, too?" Trelawney asked, sympathetically, laying a hand on the distraught Potions Master's shoulder.
Snape blinked and glared at her.
"Obscenity!" squeaked one of the lemon drops.
Dumbledore smiled. "A student bewitched them while I wasn't looking. Isn't it clever?"
Snape looked at Dumbledore, privately thinking that if anyone did something to his secret stash of licorice wands, he would have found out who it was and seen them expelled. But when one works for the Headmaster of Hogwarts, one must be willing to accept his eccentricities.
"In fact, I made the mistake of eating one this morning," Dumbledore chuckled. "I was involuntarily shouting profanities of all kinds for a good portion of this morning."
Snape changed his mind. If it were him, he probably would have killed the student.
"…poor Minerva walked into my office asking for a spare quill and I told her to 'shove it up her--'"
"Albus, are you going to help me find my Wuggles or not?" Trelawney shrieked, "If not, then I'm just wasting my time!"
"Calm down, Sibyll. You should just start looking for it by yourself. I can assure that I will help you momentarily."
Trelawney turned her head up and stomped noisily out of the room. Dumbledore then turned to Snape and said, "Severus, I would prefer if you did not resign; I think you are a perfectly competent teacher who could stand up to a bunch of first years. Also, if you did resign, I would be hard pressed to find a suitable replacement."
"Very well, sir," Snape reluctantly agreed.
"Now that that's settled, I must help Sibyll retrieve her Wuggles… and shouldn't you be getting back to your first year class?"
"Of course, sir."
When Severus Snape returned to his dungeon, he caught sight of the last thing on earth that he would have ever expected. All of the first years were sitting quite placidly in their seats, studiously taking notes as Hermione stood at the blackboard, teaching a lesson on Chemistry. As soon as he walked in the room, Hermione stopped mid-sentence and all of the students' eyes turned on him.
Normally, Snape would have felt indifferent to this, but considering that he was having a bad day to begin with and that he had left the classroom in a rather undignified manner, he almost quailed. But he was Severus Snape, he reminded himself, an ex-Death Eater. He could handle anything these little brats could throw at him, even their science.
He put on his angriest look as he strode to the front of the classroom where Hermione stood. She looked up at him, saying nothing, not knowing what to think, for once. Snape gave her one of his ugliest sneers and said, "Sit down, Miss Granger! As I recall I, not you, am the teacher of this class!"
Hermione, trembling, meekly nodded and returned to her seat amongst the Gryffindors. When he saw her sit down, he smiled and said in his oiliest voice, "Oh, and twenty-five points from Gryffindor for being an insolent know-it-all."
The Gryffindors looked furious, but none said anything. Their untried first-year instincts told them not to mess with the highly disgruntled teacher, for fear of losing more points.
A/N: By the way, the chemical that Dudley spilled on himself actually does exist. I believe it's called silver nitrate. I used it in a lab on multiple occasions and afterwards my arms and hands never failed to turn brown and stay that way for several days.
That's all. What did you all think? Please leave lots of reviews!