Disclaimer: The * notations are actual quotes from Buffy S8 #31. I don't own the series or any of the characters.
Author's Note: Buffy S8 #31 kind of disheartened me. It had that conversation that I was waiting for since episode 1 when I became a B/X fan and - in typical Joss Whedon fashion - it all blew up and the people who might be happy are not the ones that I want to be. So I am coming out of semi-retirement to make myself feel better - that there is an exit strategy out of this disastrous turn of events. I hope you enjoy this random effort. I actually have no idea where this is going...fair warning!
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Into My Mind, Into My Heart Prologue By Taygeta
Only he could have called me on my selfishness in that way that he did.
"...even if you felt something before, once you saw us together, you should know that the decent thing to do would be to keep it to yourself..."*
Xander was right in all the ways that mattered to him - to Dawn - about how I should have acted. I shouldn't have said anything, and I had tried not to...I had tried to hold my breath and keep it in. But after awhile, when you spend every day of your life wondering if there's a next, I think everything can't help but go the way of carpe diem.
Not that this excuses me for being a terrible person, but a part of me had to say something - before it really got too late to ever say anything, to ever say I didn't do anything about it. Or maybe...maybe before I deluded myself in believing that a boy who once said he'd wait still would when he was all grown up.
And well, at least now I know.
And at the same time I know that there's nothing I can say to him that would make him believe I am in love with him.
"...even if you felt something..."*
"...if it were a bunch of years ago and you actually meant it..."*
I did feel something. I do feel something. I wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't meant it.
It was a bunch of years ago and still counting... And all those years I knew and I didn't at the same time until I finally did and it was too late.
And therein lies the big joke that is my life. At the same time I opened my eyes to Xander - who was always there - he opened his eyes to Dawn who he says - and I know - always loved him.
I guess it just doesn't matter that I always did too. It doesn't matter that when I look back - knowing now how to make sense of all these feelings - I see him so clearly by my side. Not "sidekick". Not "member of the gang." But standing next to me - always - as an equal, as the person who sometimes had to be stronger than me.
Like in the moment he had to break my heart.
But here's the storyline for the world - for Xander - okay? For Dawn. Even Willow, who approves in the way I wish I could.
He didn't break my heart. I was confused. We were in the middle of a lot - still are - and it got me thinking a bit crazy.
I should be thinking battle plans and strategy and here I am planning strategy for this. But some of the worst battles are the ones you don't see, the ones no one else sees.
This has to be the story because I'm the strong one. I'm the one who makes sacrifices. Because even when I try to be selfish, the world tells me I can't. It brings me back to life when I'm gone. It makes me love a vampire when I'm the slayer. It makes me finally love the right guy who I can't have (he's dating my sister after all), but maybe even worse doesn't even believe that I really do.
And unless someone can read into my mind and read my heart, that's the truth.
It has to be.