Eruriren Week Day 4: Loneliness
It's only hella late. This can be found on AO3 under fairylights101 as well.

Trigger warnings for past self-harm, anxiety/panic attacks, depression, and just angsty shit in general.

It was hard sometimes watching Levi and Eren interact. They forever bickered over television shows and movies, quoting them with sly smiles and laughing - well, Eren laughed - whenever Erwin raised a thick eyebrow in confusion or to give them a "Really?" look. But mostly he stared at them with the former expression. In the few months, ever since the merger had started really, he had fallen out of the loop, always the last to watch this movie or catch that episode or even hear a song. And it was kind of terrifying how lonely that made him feel. Especially now, even though he was smushed between his lovers as they watched How To Train Your Dragon 2, Eren's newest favorite movie in an ever-growing list of favorites.

Erwin hadn't even known that until the brunette had waved the case before his face as he jumped off the ground, his mismatched green and gold eyes glittering with excitement. But despite that and the fact that they had owned it for nearly three months, Erwin was just now seeing it for the first time. Work was taking him away from the men he loved, putting so much distance between him and them as they seemed to grow ever-closer.

I'm lonely.

He couldn't stop thinking about it. It was bad enough that he couldn't remember any of the movie, even though his eyes were trained - albeit blankly - on the screen while Levi and Eren quipped up constantly, quoting various parts with startling accuracy. Including the accents. Their time off work was filled with watching television, reading, exercising, and just being together while Erwin struggled to maintain at least moderately healthy relationships with his coworkers and friends, juggle what felt like a million work assignments that were constantly flooding in because of the merger, spend time with his lovers, and sleep, not counting other little things. Something had to give. And everything but work was being sacrificed.

I hate it.

He had never felt so isolated, so alone. It didn't matter that there were two warm bodies leaning against him. That such feelings were to be expected after how little time they had been spending together as of late. Despite that, he couldn't help it. Couldn't dispose of the poisonous thoughts and traitorous emotions. His hands tightened as Eren laughed and practically draped himself over Erwin's shoulder, their fingers tangling together and squeezing.

A sweet, citrusy smell tickled Erwin's nose, strange and out of place from the scent he had been expecting. He bowed his head slightly towards Eren's and gave a tentative sniff. His hair smelled like oranges, sharp but somewhat sweet. When did he get new shampoo? He hadn't even realized it before, always too tired from working excessive amounts of overtime to combat that damnable merger. How much have I missed?

His heart constricted painfully as his face fell, stomach plummeting. He didn't even try to hide it, not yet. What was the point? Not much when he didn't even know when his young lover changed hair care products or knew his favorite movie or knew that Levi had found a new type of tea he immensely enjoyed. Erwin rose. The movie instantly paused and when he glanced back, Eren and Levi were staring at him, questioning and amused. "What?" Levi smirked, "Bathroom break already? It's only been thirty minutes."

Eren grinned and nudged Levi's knee with a slim, bare foot, as that gold and that green eye raked over Erwin, it wasn't particularly hard to see his expression change. To spot the concern in those beautiful mismatched orbs. On the other hand, Levi was harder to read, far better at keeping his poker face perfect. Except for his eyes. Those tended to give him away. But for once, those were blank, carefully so. As if Levi was hiding something. They probably hate me for never being around… Shit.

"I'm sorry." His fingers raked through his undercut before returning to his side. "I'm just very tired. It was a long day at work. I'm going to shower and go to bed. Good night."

Mismatched eyes widened in shock and disappointment, his mouth hanging open as Erwin pressed a chaste kiss to Eren's temple. "But… Erwin…"

Levi's gray-blue eyes were hard, his mouth set in a firm line. Despite that cold look, it only took a few moments of searching to see the concern and hesitation in those grayish orbs as he kissed Levi's forehead.

It hurt to turn his back on them and walk away, to hide the agony of loneliness, to ignore the feel of heated gazes on his back as he disappeared into the bathroom. With mechanical movements, the businessman stripped, twisted the knob, and sank onto the smooth, clean floor of the shower, scalding hot water pounding onto his scalp as curls of steam drifted up and wreathed around him. If Levi could see him, the smaller man would have chastised him for sitting there on the "filthy" ground and for moping instead of talking to them. Eren would have laughed and pulled him up with an easy grin before he grew serious and demanded to know what was wrong. But they hadn't showered together in at least a week. It had been well over a month since all three of them had been intimate. Together at least. Hell, Erwin was sure he hadn't been intimate with either of them in the longest of times.

I love them so much. But this is doubtlessly hurting everyone. I should end this. Back out and let them be happy as I drown myself in work. A win-win for everyone. They'll be happy together, happier than they are when constantly waiting on me to come home. Hell, they might as well be a monogamous couple already considering how much I'm around lately. But they're young. They can get someone else if they want. Someone who can spend more time with them, who can give them the affection and love and time they deserve.

Erwin rose, numb with a cold that even the blistering heat of the waters couldn't reach, whose shivers couldn't be calmed. Not even when he dragged the loofa down his skin with harsh, furious movements. He never wanted to emerge from the shower. Not when he had to face them, the men he had let down time after time. To eventually tell them that he was leaving so they weren't forever waiting on him to come home, letting their own dinners go cold so they could eat at least one meal together or falling asleep on each other on the couch, a movie playing on loop as they waited for him even after their own long, exhausting days. This damn merger. I hate it. I hate what it's done to us.

The blonde emerged eventually, a towel wrapped around his waist and fingers raking his half-heartedly dried hair back into some sort of order. The movie was still playing in the living room, it's muted voices and music drifting through the house. At least I might be able to fall asleep before they come in. Though I doubt I'll be able to cry. He opened the door and froze, one foot inside the bedroom. Levi and Eren were perched on the bed, toasty brown and pale white flesh pressed together. Their heads rose together, Levi's grays and Eren's green-and-golds zeroing in on him. The young brunette brightened and leapt up with a grin. "You ready for bed?"

Blue eyes fluttered in confusion as he glanced between them, studying their bare forms. "Guys… what are you doing? It isn't even ten o'clock yet. I know you hate going to to bed so early."

"We know! But we wanted to cuddle and sleep with you!" Eren pressed kisses to his cheeks as he tugged on Erwin's towel, loosening it beneath his fingers. "Come on, you can't sleep in a damp towel!" Erwin glanced helplessly at Levi, who only shrugged, before he gave in and let Eren pull his towel away, leaving him as bare as his lovers. The youngest of the three tugged him into their bed with little resistance. Within a few moments they were cuddled beneath the blankets, Erwin in the middle with Levi's face tucked into his neck, Eren's cheek pressed to his chest. Their fingers linked and limbs tangled until they were a massive lump of warmth - and cold concerning Levi's feet. They were only lying there for a few seconds when Eren squeaked and jolted next to Erwin, his ridiculously warm body scooting away as a cold foot stretched a little further beneath the sheets, teasingly giving chase. "Dammit Levi, really?!"

"It's your fault for being so fucking warm."

"Levi does have a point."

Eren huffed but smiled as he cuddled in closer, willing to share his warmth - so long as frigid feet weren't suddenly and randomly assaulting him. Erwin didn't blame the brunette. Those feet of Levi's might have been pretty and small, but shit did they get cold. Like blocks of ice chiseled down to resemble human feet. Soft lips pulled him back in time to feel both bodies curl a little closer. "Good night…" It was hushed, a whisper shared by all three. They were close - closer than they had been in a while. At least while everyone was conscious. But as he listened to their breathing slowly even out, he could still feel the gap. And somehow, despite how they had insisted on going to sleep together and the way they pressed close, he could still see the gap widening.

How long until it can't be crossed? Until I can't fix this?

Erwin woke early from an uneasy sleep plagued by dreams he couldn't remember. Nor did he particularly want to. Not when they were probably filled with a future he dreaded to think about. Their bodies had shifted, Eren nearly hanging off the bed, soft snores occasionally escaping him through parted lips. Levi had curled in on himself, similar to a cat, with his back pressed to Erwin's side, mouth open slightly as he exhaled with soft, short, rhythmic huffs. Both were sleeping so peacefully, completely unaware of what he had to do. Eventually anyway. It's for their own good.

The blonde slowly extracted himself from the bed, each movement precise. Neither of his boyfriends stirred, not even when Erwin kissed Levi's forehead or gently shifted Eren so he was actually on the bed before covering their bare bodies a little better with a soft blanket. He pulled on a pair of sweats and slipped out of the room after that, already missing the warmth. Even after so many nights spent on the couch so he didn't disturb them or accidentally falling asleep in the office, he hated to leave that warmth, those bodies behind.

Erwin poured a cup of coffee and sank onto the couch, breathing in the bitter scent undiluted by sugar or creamer. He didn't feel even the slightest trickle of energy until he started on his third cup. The thread of caffeinated energy was weak, barely present. It couldn't combat, not with the weeks, no, months of exhaustion. The blonde drained the cup with a sigh before he returned for his fourth cup, now no longer scalding hot. Bank blues stared blankly at the coffee pot for a long, long moment, numb and cold and so fucking alone.

I miss them… But he didn't know how to fix it. Not really. Fights, he could handle. This distance was another demon on the other hand. One he wasn't sure he could handle. I need a smoke. The cigarettes were fairly old - he hadn't smoked in months, not since the merger had first started. Not that he had smoked much in the first place. It was a disgusting habit, but it helped soothe his nerves, helped keep him sane. Erwin sank into a chair on the balcony, coffee in one hand, pack and lighter in the other.

It only took one try to light the cigarette, bringing forth curls of noxious smoke to fill the air. Then the toxic fumes filled his lungs. He managed not to cough - it really had been a while since his last smoke - but he did grimace. The taste left much to be desired, but it wasn't exactly like he had picked it for the taste. Perhaps if he smoked more often, but it had long since become an occasional thing, just something to soothe his nerves when all else failed. He was on his second drag when the door opened and Levi stepped out, jaw set and nose wrinkled. "I thought you'd thrown all of those out."

The blonde shrugged. "I guess not."

"How many cups have you had?"

"Four."

"You look like shit."

"I know."

"Stay home today." Erwin blinked at stared at his smaller lover, confused by the sudden request, his exhausted brain fighting too many sleepless nights so he could process Levi's words. But Levi's demand… It almost made him smile. He would have had he not been too tired to think. Too upset to try. "Erwin… stay home today. Please. We miss you."

"Levi, I have to go to work. Besides… you two have each other."

Slim fingers tore the cigarette from Erwin's mouth and threw it on the ground. Levi ground it out with a harsh heel. The smaller man loomed over him, eyes dark, fists clenched by his sides. "Don't you fucking say that. Don't you fucking dare. This is a three-person relationship, not a two-person one. And we fucking miss our third person. Do you know how long it's been since the three of us had a meal together that wasn't cold? The last time we had an extended conversation? Last time we had a date that no one was late to? Last time we made love?"

Levi slapped the table, those calm gray orbs stormy with pain, anger, frustration. "You don't see it, but Eren cries and gets so fucking upset when you're falling asleep at the table during a meal or forget things because you're so tired or miss a date because you stayed even later to do some damnable thing that you let someone push onto you. He's worried about you. And you know what? So am I. You're barely sleeping. It's amazing if you finish a meal. You work too damn much. You shouldn't have to be the one shouldering the burden of the work from this merger, but you let them because you're an idiot. A brilliant idiot. That, or you've picked a shitty way to kill yourself."

Erwin stared at Levi, finally wide awake. There was so much truth in his words, an unbearable amount of truth. His head bowed, a rare sign of submissiveness. But right now, it was all he could do. "... You're right... Shit Levi, I'm sorry. So freaking sorry. I just let this suck me in and didn't even realize it. Not until it was too late anyway. You're so right. I don't sleep enough. I barely eat. I feel like shit every time I forget a date, every time I'm late. I really don't deserve lovers like you and Eren, not if I'm putting work over you. Making him cry. Making you worry. You two deserve someone so much better. A person that doesn't forget dates or make you two feel lonely. Who can love you both like you should be."

And fuck, it hurt so much to say that. To admit that he was a shit boyfriend to them. To say that they deserved someone better. But it's true. So fucking true. How could I let this happen? I was delusional. So damn deluded.

"Er-Erwin?" Heads turned, bodies twisted to stare at the young brunette standing in the doorway, face ashen, eyes wide, and mouth open. His hair was still mussed from sleep, flat on one side and wild on the other. He couldn't have rolled out of bed but a couple of minutes before they noticed him. Dammit. Oh dammit, no. A full bottom lip quivered as Eren's hands balled up and his beautiful mismatched eyes remained frozen on Erwin's face as Erwin and Levi stared back at him. Shock. Confusion. Disbelief. "Are you… are you breaking up with us?"

Erwin couldn't meet that piercing gaze any longer. He glanced away, to Levi first. Those intense gray eyes were on him too, wide and startled. His gaze kept moving as his hand clenched around his mug in a white-knuckled grip. He couldn't hide the guilt, the melancholy, even though it was a necessary move. I can't give them what they need. Not anymore. And God, it hurt so much. He couldn't even bear to look at their faces, meet their eyes, read their expressions. "Shit, Eren!"

The businessman turned back in time to see Levi dart into the apartment, chasing after Eren, too distracted to remember to close the door. Shit. Erwin rose, abandoning the coffee, cigarettes, and lighter outside as he strode into their home. It wasn't hard to find them. Not when he could hear Eren's sobs as Levi attempted to soothe him through the bathroom door, even though he himself looked so close to breaking, to having another anxiety attack. "Eren, Eren, please… open the door. Let me in."

"N-No," Eren whimpered with a hiccup and another muffled sob, "Don't wanna…"

Gray eyes snapped up to Erwin, caught somewhere between anger and misery and panic. "You'd better have a good reason for this, you son of a bitch."

Erwin absorbed the harsh words without a flinch - he deserved so much worse than that - as he knocked on the door. "Eren… can you let me in?" The quiet sniff that met his words tore at his heart. It nearly choked him. And he would have let it. But he charged on. I have to make this right. I have to at least try. "Please?"

The shadow beneath the door shifted. A quiet metallic click. Erwin slowly pushed the door open and slipped in. Reddened green and gold eyes flicked up at him for a moment before Eren buried his head into his arms as he pulled his limbs in tighter and pressed further into the corner. Erwin knelt beside him, aching to touch but resisting the nearly overwhelming urge. Distantly, he heard Levi creep in, felt him kneel by his side. "Eren?"

The brown-haired man shuddered as his fists clenched tight. Gentle hands clasped Eren's wrists and pulled them out, palms up. Fresh red half-moons and bitemarks melded with old self-harm scars. It was a relief, seeing those arms as unblemished as they had been the night before, though the implications were clear: Eren had been close. Too close. Careful fingers tipped Eren's head up, exposing tear-stained cheeks and reddened eyes. "Don't," he whispered, fresh tears gathering in those mismatched orbs. "Don't go… I don't… you can't. Please I… I don't wanna go back to that. Not again. No more… Erwin." Tears streamed down Eren's cheeks as he clutched at Erwin and Levi, face twisted with distress. "I… you guys… you guys saved me. M-Made me think I was w-worth it, worth living. Gave me hope. So I can't… can't live without you. Either of you. But… But Erwin… I-If you want to go…"

Strong arms crushed Eren and Levi to his chest, pressing their heads together as reality as crashed in. As it finally sank in. I wasn't the only one who was lonely. Who wanted to fix it but wasn't sure how. Shit, I fucked up. I fucked up so much. "Eren… Levi.. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I thought leaving would be best. That you two would finally be able to be with someone who didn't drown themselves in work and put their lovers last like a total idiot. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have thought that, believed that you would be happier. It was stupid. Selfish even."

Because he had also thought that they were strong, all of them. Enough that they could walk on their own, or together, without a shit boyfriend like him to hold them back, to make them retreat back to their old ways. But they had all been hurting and regressing, all of them. Erwin with his loneliness and the way he let others take advantage because he felt like he wasn't doing enough, never enough. Eren with his depression, constantly battling the urge to pry the blades from their razors or light a candle and burn himself. Levi with his anxiety, taking medicine that usually helped to keep the attacks at bay, to keep himself together to keep them together.

"I've been an idiot. I love you two so fucking much. More than the world." Two different hands tightened against his bare back as they clung to each other, the silence broken only by Eren's quiet sniffs before Erwin broke it again. "Nothing I say can erase what I've done, both today and in these last few months. But… please. Let me try. I want to make up for my idiocy. I need to. For not being here. For letting you two crumble. Do you… do you think you can let me try?" He felt them pull back but he didn't dare to meet their gazes, not until two hands cupped his cheeks and pulled his head up. Pain. Warmth. It wasn't so hard to meet their eyes when they looked at him like that - like he still meant the world to them.

Levi pinched his cheek - hard. But it was tender in a way. Maybe it was the softness in his eyes, or the faint curl to his lips. "Idiot. Love is about giving each other chances to make up for mistakes. And since you haven't used up all of your chances, I'll allow it. But so help me, if you don't cut back on your hours."

Eren smiled and kissed his cheek, his own still damp with drying tears. "Damn right. Don't ever scare us like that again, you asshole."

He managed a small smile for his lovers as he nodded and settled his hands over theirs, cold, warm, and hot. Their fingers laced together on his face as they pressed their foreheads together, smiling softly. "I'll try not to. I promise. I just… didn't feel adequate. Don't ask why - I don't know why it came back now. But… I'll work on it. Promise. Now… how about I call in and tell them I'm taking the day off? We have a lot to make up for."