Disclaimer: The Raccoons and all associated characters are the property of Evergreen Raccoons Marketing and have been used without permission. Unless otherwise stated, any character not from the Raccoons television series is mine but may be used if requested. The following is a work of fiction and any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental. This work is solely for the entertainment of the writer and his audience and no money is to be made from the below work.
Cyril Sneer wandered though the Evergreen Forest with a metal detector. As usual he was trying to find buried treasure and as usual he was not finding it. "Blasted thing," he said to the metal detector, "it must be broken. I haven't found as much as a bottle cap tonight."
Cyril waved the metal detector over a small clump of dirt and it beeped. "What the," he started as he fell to his knees and started digging soon he found an old Arabian style lamp. "Now what would an Arabian lamp be doing in the Evergreen Forest?" Cyril Sneer said to himself as he picked up a dirty lamp that was partially buried in the dirt and leaves. "I bet it got political asylum." Cyril looked the lamp over, "I wonder if it is worth anything?"
The aardvark millionaire rubbed at the lamp with his arm trying to see if it was made out of anything valuable. As he rubbed the lamp it began to vibrate and smoke and what should pop out but a genie, A genie in the shape of Bert Raccoon who wore a turban and a red outfit with the letter G prominently displayed on the front. "Yahoo!" the Bert-genie shouted as he emerged from the lamp, "I am the genie of the lamp. Here to grant you three wishes."
"You grant wishes? You look like that blasted raccoon that always thwarts my plans."
"Well I'm a genie, now do you want your wishes or not?" The Bert-genie huffed as he crossed his arms over his chest.
"All right, all right fine. What do I do, rub and make a wish?" Cyril started rubbing the lamp.
"No you don't have to rub the lamp." Cyril stopped rubbing the lamp. "I didn't say stop," the Bert-genie said somewhat annoyed.
"First the rules standard genie rules apply no raising the dead, no wishing for more wishes."
"What about..." Cyril started.
"And no wishing that the rules about not wishing for more wishes didn't apply to you."
"How specific do I have to make the wish don't you guys trick people by giving them the letter of what they want instead of what they intended? Because I can get my lawyer and draft something airtight."
"No the genies who do that are just jerks. However, before you make your wish I have to ask you who is the person you hate the most?"
"That's easy," said Cyril, "Mammoth. He is always a pain in the tail for me. Selling me stuff then expecting me to pay for it."
"Then anything you wish for will be granted double for Mammoth." The Bert-genie said.
"WHAT! He doesn't deserve it!"
"Well that's the rules. Now make your first wish."
Cyril thought for a moment, "I want more money than Mammoth!" he laughed thinking he had gotten one over on the genie. A box of money appeared in front of Cyril and he fell in love instantly grabbing at handfuls and rubbing them against his body.
"Two boxes of money equivalent to what Mammoth had at the time of your wish have appeared in his office."
"What! No! That can't be! I said I wanted more money than Mammoth!" Cyril pulled at his ears in frustration.
"And you did. Until he received his part of the wish. Be glad it happens this way otherwise you would have created a paradox and destroyed the universe. Now what is your second wish."
"I want a chauffeur driven limousine with a decent driver not pigs." Cyril said still miffed about Mammoth. A limousine and driver appeared instantly. "Yes now this is traveling in style not a sty," Cyril rubbed his hands together thinking of how he would show up Mammoth with his new car and driver.
"Right now two chauffeur driver limousines have appeared in the driveway of Mammoth." The Bert-genie said to Cyril.
Again Cyril popped a vein, "No it can't be he doesn't deserve it! I do!"
"Rules are rules. Now what is your final wish."
Cyril rubbed his chin very deeply in thought he didn't want Mammoth to get anything nice but everything he wished for was given to mammoth double. Cyril ground his teeth in frustration until he had the perfect wish.
Cyril picked up a stick that was lying on the ground and handed it to the Bert-genie, "Here I wish you would take this stick and beat me half to death!"
AN: This was blatantly ripped off from a Big Chuck and Lil John, who probably took it from someone else, comedy sketch and is not my idea. I just thought it would be cute with The Raccoons characters in it. I'm hoping this will break a case of writer's block. Anyway I hope you enjoyed it.