I know I haven't updated in months, and I haven't abandoned 'Feelings You Can't Deny'. I will write again and I know If I get positive feedback, I will make more time to continue this story and maybe 'Feelings You Can't Deny', too.
So this is my new story 'Mix Tape'. A few months back I heard this song and these LP-scenes just popped into my head. It was intended to be a One-Shot, but it got longer than I thought and I decided to make it a multiple-chapter story. It will be 5 chapters with each one flashback from season 3.
So a few information about the concept:
It starts at the Naley wedding. Peyton remembers her moments with Lucas and before each memory will be a part of the lyrics of ' Mix Tape' in cursive and at the end is a little piece of poetry.
Well enough of my babbling. I have Chapter 2 halfway written. So let's say if I get enough motivation ( Feedback!) I will update sooner. Review is really appreciated, and please write more than 'Update soon.'
Disclaimer: I don't own OTH and its characters, that's Mark Schwahn.
Please (tell me what I need)
by Alex Max Band
Peyton was watching the celebrating crowd from outside. A few years back she would have laughed when someone might have hinted that they would celebrate Nathan and Haley's second wedding together.
She saw Brooke in comparison, enjoying herself and the whole atmosphere with that back-stabbing bitch Rachel, she now called a friend, and sending death-glares in her direction every once in a while.
Nathan and Haley were practically radiating with happiness and infecting everyone around them. Well everyone except her. She was confused, hurt and lonely.
Peyton wondered how she got here and why life was so hard. It seemed like nothing would go right. There would always be something that was missing. She sometimes knew what it was but she tried to suppress these feelings because they hurt too much to even think about them, or better him.
She knew with absolute certainty that she loved him and that she was always happy and at her best when she was with him. It just seemed like the circumstances were never good for them. It was almost like a curse.
He cared for her that much was certain. He always had. But there was something that stopped her and maybe him too to act upon those feelings. Well, sometimes they did act upon them but it would usually end in total drama.
When she thought back over the past 3 years she could barely remember a time when he had not been there. Well actually he had not been there the whole time, not before he had joined the Ravens. It was ironic really. Lucas and his brother had always hated each other and their groups of friends had barely crossed path until then and when they had it never ended well but ultimately it had been their fighting that had brought them all together.
Nathan had been determined to make Lucas' life a living hell and it had been really hard for Lucas but it has been Haley's deal with Nathan that stopped the mobbing. They even had tried to be civil around each other. Well not right away. But Lucas had never given up upon his dream. He even had made her believe in herself.
She had never been very, how to put it, patient when it came to her art but he had send her drawings to 'thud magazine', of course without her permission, and they said it was good. She would have never had the courage to do it herself but he had done it for her. After that she had been herself more than before. This had lead to her break-up with Nathan but to be honest their relationship had not been going well for a long time. But it did change something within her. Lucas changed her.
She got stronger and fought for what she wanted, even if it did not always work out. Mostly she regretted that she did not take her chances with him when she could have. She was just too confused after breaking up with Nathan and trying to figure out what she really, truly wanted. And when she did realise that she wanted to be with him, it was too late. He had been with Brooke. And additionally she would have spared all three of them a lot of drama and heartache.
Sometimes she wondered what her life had been like if she had not hesitated so long. Maybe they would have been together and a lot would be different now. Maybe they would be exactly where they were today because let's face it they both had quite some issues to deal with at the time.
But despite everything they had remained friends. He somehow managed to always be there for her and even when the outcome was not always good and often painful she would not miss a single memory she had with him.
Something caught her attention, breaking the trance-like state she had been in. Lucas got out of the white tent finally showing up again. She had not seen him since the ceremony where he had been Nathan 's best man and lead Haley to the altar because her parents had not attended her wedding(it was her second wedding, ok, but still it's their daughter's wedding) She would have given everything if one of her mothers could be there when she, if she, ever got married.
She saw Lucas broken expression. He looked a little better then he had in the last few days but she could still see his inner struggle and grief over of losing his father figure, his uncle Keith. She knew exactly how he felt.
You say hello, inside I'm screaming I love you
You say goodnight, in my mind
I'm sleeping next to you
You drive away from my car crash of a heart
And I don't know
She had been devastated after Ellie's death. She knew her birth mother would have wanted her to fully live her life and have no regrets. She had not known her for long and she wished she had spent more time with her before the cancer lead to her death but she would honor Ellie forever and try to live her life and not grief forever. She owed that to her.
Still it was hard to maintain a happy face and not break into tears whenever she was reminded of her. She might be able to laugh with Brooke and Haley but not whole-heartedly. That was way too soon. She needed company because the moment she was on her own she would break and she did not want that.
So when Brooke got to know that her fashion show was the same day as the classics and not like originally planned the day before she somehow got to hang out with Rachel. She had not judged her good or bad, she did not have much to do with Rachel up until then. So when she found out that Rachel liked the same music and did not seem so bad she thought they could be friends. Well Brooke absolutely disliked her and she better had listened to her best friend but you are always wiser later.
So anyway they hung out and she finally let the grief overwhelm her and she got really drunk. So drunk that she could not even walk without Rachel's assistance. And throughout the whole room-switch-chaos she stumbled in a room which she thought was hers.
So she lay there with a pounding headache on the bed ready to fall asleep when the light got switched on and she had to cover her eyes quickly. When they had been adjusted to the light she turned her head to the left and looked up at the surprised Lucas who was rubbing his eyes with his hand.
He looked at her for a few seconds, waved his hand before his face and said in a very sleepy, but concerned voice:
"Are you drunk?"
She looked at him and would have turned away not to show how uncomfortable she was when she spotted something bright blue that was on his lids. It almost looked like...
"Are you wearing eyeshadow?", she could not help herself but ask and simultaneously point to his eyes which would be weird for her but he held that kind expression that made her forget her worries. And then the corners of his lips turned up and it almost looked like he smirked and she smiled for a second but then she could feel her headache again.
And she remembered how Ellie had told her about her life on tour and she thought to herself that something like that might have happened to her too and she wanted to tell her about it but she could not because Ellie was gone.
Lucas must have seen it and he asked with a very gentle expression "Bargain for the pain?"
And she saw in his mesmerizing, gentle, blue eyes of his that he did not judge her. He saw that she suffered with grief and he wanted to help her. He knew her and he knew that she wanted to keep this to herself but this would not help it and so he gently pushed her for her own good.
And she wondered if things could be better again after losing two mothers, a father who was barely home and a broken heart that was not fixed at all and so she asked with sorrow in her voice.
"Kind of. Everything in gonna be alright, right?"
Lucas met her gaze, their eyes locked and she could see the worry in his eyes. It was like he saw right through her. Her fear of losing people she cared about and loved, her loneliness but also her desperation because she was pushed over the edge, piece by piece, where she would give up. And he knew how fragile she was and also determined not to let someone see it. But she could not fool him.
He knew her and because of that he was choosing his words very careful, contemplating how it would effect her.
But it did not matter what he would say because only his presence made her feel safe. With him nothing could happen to her. He had already saved her a couple of times, more than she could count. It was when she was about to fall apart, like right now, when she was ready to quit everything, fighting to be herself, hold on to that and being proud of it.
That was just the kind of person he was, always there no matter what kind of trouble he could there especially with Brooke. She simply, and without a doubt trusted him. He would never leave her.
"Yeah, yeah it is..", he said and she believed him because she trusted him eternally in this moment and also because whenever her life has been miserable and he had been there, every time it had effected her life in a good way even though she did not realized it at once.
So she fell asleep peacefully with the knowledge that she would get better and overcome her grief to live like Ellie would have wanted her to.
-0-
It broke her heart to see him so broken. His blue eyes met green ones and she once again saw grief, anger, confusion and sadness. Her fresh recalled memory of herself after Ellie' s death only made the connection she felt with him stronger and her heart pounded rapidly, her eyes still glued to his. She was about to fight this but she couldn't and she also did not want to.
I'd rather have
bad times with you,
than good times
with someone else.
I'd rather be beside you
in a storm,
than safe and warm
by myself.
I'd rather have
hard times together,
than to have it easy apart.
Remember I's always
love you baby,
You are the one
who holds my heart.
So this is the first chapter. What do you think? Please review.
Whenever I get a review it makes my day and this way you tell me that someone is still reading my stuff, despite my lack of updates.