Love Me Now
A/N: Hey everyone! Back with another one shot and I'm feeling super inspired at the moment, so I'm hoping to have some updates for all my other stories up this week too!
I hope you like this idea, it's inspired by Ziggy Albert's song 'Love Me Now', if you haven't heard it I recommend listening to it, maybe even while you read this lol
Thank you to Lexi ( .Linstead) for writing a scene in this story, and Laura (LinsteadFix – our cowriting account, check it out!) for being my sounding board and helping me push through and write this x
Enjoy!
My voice is getting tired
And I'm sick of arguing with you
Do you ever feel like you're on a train,
Moving too fast to stop?
But someone you love is in the carriage,
And you can't get off
Erin Lindsay burst through the door of Molly's, her eyes searching frantically for Jay Halstead. She pushes through the crowd of people in the bar as she looks for him, her heart dropping into her heart as she realises that he's not there.
'Dammit. You're too late.'
"He just left a few minutes ago." Erin sees Kim standing behind her and smiles at the woman, giving her a quick hug and "thank you" before she's out the door.
Erin races to her car, starting the engine and driving in the direction of Will's apartment hoping she'll see Jay's car on the way. She drives for a few minutes before she spots him walking along the sidewalk, much to her surprise.
She finds a spot to pull over a few metres ahead of him and rolls down her window, waiting until he walks past "Need a lift sugar?"
Erin sees the small smile on his face, and she knows he's remembering the day some random jerk said that to her when they went out for dinner. Jay had placed his arm around her waist and kissed her with a sense of possession that Erin had never seen from him. She'd be lying to herself if she said it hadn't turned her on just a little.
Jay looks between her car and the path in front of him, and Erin is just starting to doubt that he'll let her drive him home, when he begins walking towards her. She lets out a small breath 3of relief as he gets in and buckles himself into his usual position.
"Always riding shotgun." He mumbles "I didn't think you were gonna show."
Erin pulls out into the traffic and begins the short drive to his brother's house "I had a decision to make tonight. And I knew if I came to the bar, I wouldn't be able to make it."
Jay's quiet for a few moments, looking at her to see if she'll continue. When she doesn't, he asks "What decision?"
Erin looks at Jay for a moment before focusing back on the road, and Jay feels his worry grow. Whatever she's about to say, he knows he's not going to like it.
"I'm leaving Chicago."
He had expected a lot of things that could've come out her mouth, but those three words were not ones he'd ever considered. He felt his breath stop short; he's in shock. It feels like someone has just sucker-punched him. He feels panicked, not knowing how to respond.
'We were supposed to have more time. I was supposed to fix things.'
He can feel himself spiralling.
'She was supposed to say Yes.'
"Pull over." He says.
Erin frowns, looking over at him as she drives "What? Jay, I just told you I'm leav-"
"Let me out of the car." Jay growls "Pull over Erin!"
Erin is confused. Is he not going to say anything? She does as he asks and pulls over, and Jay's door is open before she's even had a chance to put the car in Park. Erin gets out of the car too, leaning against the car as Jay begins pacing back and forth in front of her.
"I can't believe you!" He yells, and Erin feels a little relief. This is the reaction she was expecting; he's finally telling her how he feels "I can't believe you're doing this to me again!"
Erin looks at him in shock. This, she was not prepared for.
"Excuse me?"
"This is classic Erin! Running away when things get hard."
"I'm not running from anything Jay." Erin says trying to remain calm; one of them needs to keep their cool in this.
"Oh really? Because this is exactly what you did when Nadia died. It's what you did when Justin was murdered. It's what you did every time Bunny interfered in our lives. It's what you do, Erin. You run from things!"
Jay knows he's being harsh, but he can't help himself. She's leaving him. He's hurting, and all he wants right now is to hurt her the same way.
"That's not fair." Erin whispers.
"No, what's not fair is you chasing after me only to tell me you're running away!" Jay exclaims.
"You know what, fine! Let's say I did choose to 'run away' every time something got hard, but that's not what I'm doing here." Erin can feel her temper rising. She knows what Jay is trying to do, and it's working.
"Tell me Jay, what reason do I have to stay? My father is non-existent. My mother is a mess. And YOU ran away from me first! Why wouldn't I want to start fresh, with a stable job and no family to interfere!? Why wouldn't I want to move somewhere that I don't have to worry about watching the people that I love die, or lie to me at every turn. Why would I think that you were a reason for me to stay, when you walked out of our home the minute things got a little too real for you?" She's worked up, and she knows she's taking digs at him, but if he doesn't want to play fair then neither will she.
"You walked out on me Jay. You didn't want to talk to me about Abby. You didn't want to talk to me about Mouse. You didn't want to talk to me about Ben. You didn't want to tell me about your father, or your mother, or really anyone close to you. At least I aired all my dirty laundry out for you. You always pushed, always told me that you were the person I could confide in, could rely on. But then you left me just like everyone else does. All you did was reinforce to me the fact that I wasn't enough for you. So tell me Jay, what reason do I have to stay?"
Her voice is softer now, broken "I can't keep doing this with you. I am sick and tired of having this same conversation and getting absolutely nowhere." She looks defeated, and Jay feels his heart break "I thought we had already dealt with Nadia, and Justin, and Bunny. But apparently you just don't like to share your feelings with me at all."
It's in that moment that it hits Jay; he realises just how much he's hurt Erin. She's never been the type to wear her heart on her sleeve, but her argument does something to him. His heart aches at her words.
'You were always asking her to let you in, but did you ever really do the same with her?'
Erin watches as Jay sits on the sidewalk, pulling out something from his jacket pocket. She cautiously walks over and sits down next to him, their heated exchange having dissipated within a matter of seconds.
"I'm sorry. I didn't realise how much I was keeping from you." He says, turning the ring box in his hand "It wasn't that I was trying to keep you at a distance Erin. I love you so much, you have to know that. You're the only person I've ever wanted to let in, but I wanted to protect you. My life is a mess, and I didn't want to hurt you more than you already had been."
Erin sighs, leaning her head on his shoulder "I know. I'm sorry too, I shouldn't have said all that. I was mad, and in the heat of the moment …"
"No, you were right. I shouldn't have just left like that. You were always enough for me, Erin. You were all I've ever wanted." Jay says softly, his head tilting so it's leaning on hers slightly "I was scared. That I wasn't enough for you. That … All the mistakes I'd made, would mean we would never have a full life together. I'm always going to be damaged Erin."
Erin lifts her head, turning to rest her hand against the side of his face. Her thumb runs against his cheek and Jay's eyes close as he relishes her touch.
"You were never damaged to me, Jay Halstead." She whispers.
Jay gives her a small smile, enjoying the silence that surrounds them. He feels peaceful all of a sudden. This was the conversation that they never had. The one they've always needed to. And while it went down a lot worse than he ever thought it would, now it was all out in the open. They had nothing more to hide.
"I'm still leaving Jay." Erin breaks the silence "I have to. So much has happened, I just need a fresh start."
Jay nods "So, what do we do?"
Erin looks up at him nervously "Well, I leave tomorrow morning, so I was wondering ... Will you spend tonight with me? We can watch an old Blackhawks game or something, drink beers and eat pizza. Talk some more. And then, come tomorrow morning, you can drop me off at the bus station and we can say goodbye."
"Are you sure Erin? Surely you've got people you want to see, I'm sure Hank would-" Jay looks unsure.
"There's no one I'd rather spend my last night in Chicago with. So, what do you say? For old times' sake?" Erin smiles.
Jay smiles back at her "Okay. Let's do it."
"When you said you wanted to go back to our place, this isn't what I had in mind." Jay jokes as he watches Erin from the doorway of their bedroom.
Erin rolls her eyes as she packs her clothes into a bag, chucking a t-shirt at him "Shut up. I can't take everything with me on the bus anyways, but I want to take some essentials with me. Everything else can come up in the moving truck Hank organised for me."
"Why don't you just drive?" Jay asks as he walks over and hands her shirt back to her.
"My car is CPD property. The 300 has to stay at the 21st District unfortunately, I'm going to miss it." She says reminiscently, and Jay understands. They'd had a lot of special moments in that car.
"It's weird to think of you in another city, driving a different car, with someone else in the passenger seat. I don't think I'm ever going to get use to that." Jay says softly.
Erin stops packing and turns to face him "There's not going to be a lot of driving, or passenger seat partners, in this job. It's mostly UC work, no time to drive around the streets of New York waiting to arrest a perp." She says it in a joking tone, but she hopes it reassures him somewhat.
Jay watches as Erin walks into the closet, collecting the flask Alvin had given her when she moved to the Task Force, along with an old softball hat of Justin's that she had and a jewellery box of Camille's which Hank had given her a few years ago for her birthday. Jay helps her pack them into suitcase she's got laying open on the bed and his eyes spy the camo-green shirt tucked underneath a pair of jeans.
The word 'ARMY' splays out on the back of the shirt as he pulls it out a little, turning it to see his last name stitched into the front pocket. Jay looks over at Erin, who is stuffing a few more t-shirts into her duffel bag. He looks back at the shirt and pushes it back underneath the other clothing, quietly pulling off the dog tags that he still wears around his neck and placing them in Camille's jewellery box before he packs it up and shuts the suitcase.
"All done?" Jay asks zipping her luggage shut.
Erin nods "I think so. I've already organised for Goodwill to come and collect all the rest of my clothing, Hank will come over with the moving company to take the rest of the boxes, and the landlord will get an updated contract for you by tomorrow. We're all sorted, time for that beer." She says and Jay follows her out of the room.
"I'll find something to watch." Jay says as Erin heads into the kitchen to grab the beer and pizza they had ordered earlier.
He scrolls through the programmes they recorded in the six months that they'd lived here together, his eyes stopping on a specific title. He smirks to himself before queuing it to play, waiting for Erin to come back into the living room.
Jay turns around to sit down and stops when he sees the couch.
"What about something like this?" Erin asks as she shows him the picture on her phone.
"I'm the last guy you should ask about decorative furniture." Jay says as he looks around, waiting for the guy they needed to talk to "I'm a function over form man."
"What does that mean?" Her tone is sarcastic but Jay responds anyways.
"It means if it's comfy, then I don't care what it looks like." He shrugs.
"Hmm." He can hear the intrigue in her voice, and decides to take advantage of it.
"You know, we could always give one a test drive." His voice is lower than usual, and he can see the slight shift that her body makes when he says it.
She looks up at him, the look she gives him makes him weak at the knees "Test out the function?"
He looks at her surprised, before responding "I hope we're talking about the same thing."
Her soft giggle is all he hears before they're interrupted.
Jay smiles as the memory hits him. They had so many good times in this living room; watching countless hockey games and drinking so much they were incapable of walking straight. They had been there when Severide walked in on them in the middle of an intense tickling match, and when he had shown her his high school yearbook after Ally had slipped it to her one day at the district. They had been on this couch when they finally reunited.
"Now the real question is... function or form?" Jay looks between her and the couch.
"Well, it looks cool." Erin points out excitedly.
"Yeah, but does it feel good?" Jay asks.
"Well... no time like the present." She says as they flop down onto the couch "Huh?"
"I think you actually got both" Jay sounds impressed.
"Function and form." Erin agrees
"Like me." Erin turns to face him, intrigue splayed on her face "I have rugged good looks, plus a razor-sharp mind. It's rare, but when it comes together-"
His words are cut short when Erin kisses him "That was for never giving up on me."
Erin looks at him, unsure of her actions, until Jay kisses her back "What was that for?"
"It's 'cause I wanted to kiss you."They both smile goofily at one another before their lips meet again, Erin moving to straddle his waist as they get lost in one another.
"Hey, you good?" Erin asks handing him a bottle of beer.
"Fine." Jay says, "We have a lot of good memories here."
"Yeah, we did." Erin agrees, clinking her beer against his.
They're both silent for a few minutes, and Erin knows that he's thinking about the night they got back together. She's thinking about it too. Jay looks at her, his eyes travelling between her eyes and lips, and she knows what's about to happen.
"You know." Erin says distancing herself from him and sitting down on the couch "We could've fit that flat-screen in here."
Jay shakes his head, his eyes widening as he points at her "I knew it!"
Erin puts her bottle down on the coffee table "You want to go for a ride?"
"It's midnight." Jay frowns looking at his watch.
"So?" Erin shrugs "Let's go to that 24/7 burger joint we love, the one that I can never remember the name of!"
Jay chuckles "It's called 'Burger Bar'. How the hell do you forget Burger Bar?"
Erin just pokes her tongue out at him, heading to the door to slip on her boots and the keys to the Sierra, having dropped off the 300 when they went to the district earlier that night. They both head outside to the car and Erin tosses her keys to Jay, walking to the passenger side door. Jay looks at her confused.
"You said you wanted to drive." Erin shrugs before getting into the car, Jay smiling at her the entire way.
My voice is getting tired
And oh I'm sick of you always
Letting me down
Do you ever feel like,
Just getting drunk,
To deal with what's been going on?
And you're only drinking coffee
To get up off the floor
Jay and Erin are walking through the park near the waterfront, drinking the rest of the bottle that Erin had gotten him for his birthday. It's just after 2am, and time is running out. They have to be at the bus station at 4:45am for Erin's departure.
They had been reminiscing and playing '20 questions' while they walked, wanting to try and talk as much as possible before Erin got on that bus.
"There's one question I've been avoiding the whole night, but I gotta ask." Jay kicks a small rock on the grass as he and Erin walk "Why do you want to leave?"
"I need to start fresh. I can't keep getting dragged back into the same shit over and over again." Erin says.
"What about Bunny? Why are you still choosing to protect her, at the cost of your whole life. Everything you've ever known?"
Erin sighs "I keep letting everyone down. I can't keep doing that."
"You never let me down, Er." Jay says softly.
"Didn't I? I couldn't support you enough to keep us together." Erin says softly.
"Erin … I had so much shit going on, I didn't want to drag you into it."
"I could've handled it Jay. It wasn't just your call, we were in a relationship. I would've helped you." Erin pushes.
"I know you would've stayed Erin, and it probably would've helped me. But I couldn't put my burdens on you. You have so much to deal with already, I couldn't put my shit on you as well." Jay says.
Erin doesn't know what to say. It makes sense now, his actions. She may not agree with what he does, but at least now she knows why he did what he did. So instead of answering, she just shakes her head and chuckles.
"Jay Halstead. Ever the martyr."
Jay smiles back "Do you remember the first time we did this?"
"Of course, it was the night we met."
Jay Halstead walked into Molly's with apprehension. The last time he had been here, he was an undercover agent seducing one of the owners to help him arrest a criminal, and now he was meeting that same owner's brother. He didn't realise Antonio was serious when he said he could choose where he wanted to go after taking a bullet. But when he called him this morning saying there was a position available in Intelligence and it was his if he wanted it, Jay had never answered 'yes' so fast in his life. He wanted this, more than he'd ever wanted anything.
"Halstead!" Antonio cheered as he spotted the young man.
Jay smiled at his partner, reaching out to shake his hand but Antonio simply shook his head and gave him a quick hug. The act surprised Jay but he accepted, his hand quickly patting Tony's back in a 'manly' manner.
"This is Sergeant Voight, he runs IU." Antonio says as Jay looks behind him at the group of people sitting on stools at the table.
"I know, it's good to meet you Sir. Thank you for the opportunity." Jay said shaking Voight's hand.
"Just don't screw up, one mistake and you're out. I don't tolerate incompetence." Voight said shaking squeezing his hand a little too firmly for Jay's liking.
"Of course."
"Alright then, that's all I came to say. Enjoy your night." Voight gruffs out before leaving the bar.
Antonio chuckles, grabbing the drinks that Hermann placed down on the bar and passing one to Jay.
"You heard the man. Enjoy." He clinks his glass with Antonio's before taking a large sip of the bourbon.
…
Jay was definitely buzzed.
The room was starting to blur around the edges of his eyes, and he could feel the lightheaded feeling of intoxication slowly seeping through his body.
As part of initiation, Jules had insisted that Jay not only shout a round of drinks, but also that he prove his 'worth' to the team. Also known to Jay as 'let's see how much alcohol the new guy can take before he's too fucked out of his mind for work tomorrow'.
The bell above the door of Molly's rang out, and Jay turned his head at the sound. He saw her through the crowd of people, his breath hitching in his throat and his eyes suddenly coming into focus.
She was, without a doubt, the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her shoulder length dark brown hair matched the colour of her eyes, and Jay couldn't help but feel a comforting warm from the smile she emitted.
"I see you spotted your new partner." He was brought out of his thoughts at Jin's words.
"What?" he said shocked.
"Erin. That's your partner." Jin clarified.
"When I spoke to the desk Sergeant, she said I would be partnered with an Eric Lindsay."
The group burst out laughing "Trudy's got a twisted sense of humour. You'll learn to love it. Anyways, that is your very much female partner, Erin Lindsay."
Jay chuckled softly. Only he could be attracted to the one woman in this bar that he shouldn't. They would be working together, it would be unprofessional.
'Although' he thought 'It is a perfect conversation starter.'
"I'll be right back." He said before getting up from the table and heading to the bar where she stood, talking to an older gentleman behind the bar.
"How's it going tonight Hermann?" Erin asked, and Jay felt his knees go weak at the melodic tune of her voice.
"Drinks are flowing and customers are happy." Hermann smiled.
"Ah, drinks are flowing. And so is your money." She said and Jay could see the playful smirk on her lips.
"Well." Hermann drawled out "It is definitely a bonus."
Jay watched as Erin shook her head, laughing at Hermann's antics as the man passed her a beer before heading off to serve another customer. This was his chance.
"Hey." He started as she turned to face him "Uh, you're-"
"Not interested." She said, cutting him off and walking towards the table her unit was sitting at.
Jay followed after her "Bit presumptuous, aren't we?"
Erin stopped and turned around to face him "What? You're telling me you just came over to talk? Get to know me?"
"Actually yes." He replied, "believe me sweetheart, if I was hitting on you, you'd know it."
"I'm sure I would." She muttered sarcastically.
"Look, I just wanted to come and introduce myself, that's all." Jay said raising his hands in the air as a gesture of defeat.
"And why do I find that so hard to believe?" She said narrowing her eyes at him.
"Well maybe, deep down, there's a part of you hoping that I was coming over to ask you out." He smirked "And now, you're disappointed to know that I had no intentions of doing so."
"Please." Erin rolled her eyes "If I wanted to go out with you, you'd know."
"Oh I'm sure you would." He chuckled "I'm sure you're very skilled at getting what you want."
Erin narrowed her eyes at him "Okay, you know what. I think it's time you left."
"Why would I do that?"
"I mean, unless you want everyone in this bar to see you getting your ass kicked by a woman." Erin said with a shrug.
"Oh I reckon I could take you." Jay smirked.
Erin rolled her eyes with a groan "Ugh, you're such an asshole."
Jay looked at her confused "I'm sorry, why am I an asshole? I came to have a friendly conversation, and you practically bit my head off-"
"Look, I'm just here to meet this guy and go okay? I just want to get this over with so I can go home and shower and sleep, and I really don't need some guy hitting on me right now."
"I was never hitting on you, Erin."
"Look, I don't have … Wait a second." She looked up at him surprised "I never told you – Who the hell are you?"
"Well, if you had let me finish introducing myself you'd know, wouldn't you?" Jay said cockily.
"Look man, I'm a Chicago police officer, I'm not above arresting you right now."
"Damn, I knew you wanted but me but I wasn't expecting that. It's always the quiet ones." He said and Erin opened her mouth to yell at him but he quickly continued "Well I don't think Voight would be very impressed if you arrested your partner, but hey if you're into that kinky shit go for your life." He said sticking out his hands for her to cuff.
Erin looked at him shocked "You're Jay?"
Jay nodded, trying his hardest not to laugh "It's a pleasure to meet you, partner."
Before she knew what she was doing, her hand had already come up to punch him hard in the shoulder.
"Ow!" He whined reaching his left hand up to his opposite shoulder "Dammit Lindsay, what the hell?"
"You're an ass!" She hissed "Why didn't you tell me you were my partner!?"
"Well you were the one who assumed I was some cocky asshole trying to hit on you." He said raising his brow at her.
Erin felt her cheeks flush and her face grow hot "Sorry about that … You still could've said something."
"I tried!" He laughed as Erin shook her head exasperated "Okay, let's refresh."
Erin frowned as Jay stood up straighter, extending his hand out to her "Hi, I'm Jay Halstead. Apparently you're my new partner."
"Erin Lindsay, it's nice to meet you." Erin smiled politely shaking his hand.
"So, can I buy you a drink?" Jay asked as they began walking to their table together.
"You trying get on my good side Halstead?" Erin asked.
"Oh believe me, alcohol isn't how I'd do that." Jay said cheekily.
Erin rolled her eyes again "Let's get one thing straight right here, I drive."
Jay shrugged in return "Fine by me. Makes it easier when you take me home tonight."
"Halstead." Erin sighed, rubbing her forehead in frustration.
"Relax Lindsay, I'm just playing with you." He replied "You can drive, but I pick the music."
Erin thought about it for a moment, giving in to the puppy eyes he was giving her "… Fine."
Jay chuckled throwing his arm around her shoulder. "Something tells me this is the beginning of a beautiful partnership."
Erin simply scoffed before shrugging his arm off her and walking ahead of him, Jay watching her body sway from side to side as she walked up to their unit.
"This woman's going to be the death of me." He groaned to himself before heading over to join his new co-workers.
"We were both so drunk we could barely stand, let alone drive. And somehow we thought taking a walk along the river in the Chicago winter, without coats or beanies, was a smart idea." Erin laughs.
"I still stand by my decision. It was one of the best nights we ever had!" Jay argues.
Erin shakes her head "I got a head-cold! I couldn't stop sneezing for three weeks!" Jay just rolls his eyes at her, taking a swig from the bottle Erin .
"You were right though." Erin continues, "It was the start of a beautiful partnership. The best one I'll ever have."
Jay smirks back, throwing his arm around her like he did all those years ago "Damn straight I am. Can't beat perfection Lindsay."
Erin rolls her eyes, grabbing the bottle out of his hand that dangles over her chest from his arm resting atop her. They walk in silence, heading back to the car for one last destination before she leaves Chicago for good.
…
"What are we doing back here?" Erin asks as they step out of the car in front of Molly's.
"I want to tell you something, and I know it might upset you given everything that's about to happen. But I need you to know." Jay rambles nervously.
Erin looks confused "Okay."
Jay takes a deep breath, taking the ring box out of his pocket. He can hear Erin's sharp intake of breath, her eyes focusing on the box too. Jay opens it slowly, the light of the street lamp bouncing off the diamond of his mother's ring.
"I was going to propose to you tonight." Jay says softly "And I know that we aren't together anymore, but I just- I wanted you to know, that I was in this with you. I wanted to be with you and only you. All of the other shit didn't matter, we could've gotten through it together."
"Jay." Erin gasps "I don't know what to say."
"Can you … Can you tell me what you would've said?"
"I don't know Jay. Is this a good idea?"
"Please Erin. I know it sounds stupid, but I need to know."
Erin sighs, looking unsure "Why did you want to propose?"
"Jay." She spoke firmly when he shrugged."
"I knew I handled things wrong with Abby. I should've have just left like I did, I know you understood but I still could've handled it better. Anyways, I couldn't stop thinking about everything you'd been through; losing Justin, dealing with your Dad and bunny … I told Olinsky that I screwed up with you, when Hank swapped us all around. And I knew in that moment I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life, that I didn't want to waste another minute screwing things up. So I filed for an annulment, and I asked Will for mum's ring."
"You filed for annulment?" Erin says surprised. Jay nods and Erin pulls him into a hug, gripping him tightly against her. Jay's arms wrap around her waist, lifting her off the ground slightly as he does so.
Erin's arms cling to him, her head pressed into his shoulder as she whispers sadly,
"I would've said yes."
I remember the last time
I know I made love
And how your back was pressed
against the steering wheel
They're drunk on the memories of their past. And maybe a little bit of that Scotch they've consumed. Erin can feel the slight haziness that comes with alcohol and Jay Halstead, but she's never felt this happy in her life.
Erin and Jay are seated in the car outside 2145 Dearborn. It seems insignificant in comparison to all the moments that they had shared together in the 300, but it was one of the most important for both of them.
"I'd take a bullet just to come over to your house tonight."
It was a simple exchange, albeit slightly cheesy, but it spoke volumes. It showed the seriousness of their feelings even when they were just 'fooling around'. It conveyed the way their hearts felt when they weren't allowed to show it.
"I can't believe you have so many photos that I didn't know about!" Jay says as Erin shows him the folder of photos on her phone.
"Kim was always taking sneaky pics of us, I had no clue." Erin shrugged "She sent them to me a few weeks ago, after we broke up. She took me out for a few drinks to try and 'lift my spirits' and she showed me all of them."
"That's kind of creepy." Jay jokes
"Yeah, but it's kind of sweet at the same time? I don't know … the fact she cared so much about the both of us, and our relationship, to try and document it for us because she knew we weren't the kind of people to take cheesy photos together. I kind of appreciate that she did it, especially now."
Jay nods in understanding "So, which one's your favourite?"
"Erin smirks, turning the phone away from him so that he can't see while her finger swipes over the screen before finding the photo she wants. Erin faces the phone towards him and Jay's jaw drops when he sees it.
It was from their time together when Erin was on the task force. She had woken up in the middle of the night to an empty bed, and had followed the light peeping in from her room to the kitchen, where she found Jay Halstead; clad in only his boxers, stuffing his face with her tub of triple-fudge chocolate ice cream.
She had her phone in her hand, and had captured a photo. The flash had alerted him to her presence and he had looked up at her. The photo captured was his surprised face with the spoon halfway up to his mouth, his abs well and truly on display. Erin had kept it tucked away without Jay or anyone else's knowledge.
"You didn't." He murmurs.
"Of course, I did." Erin laughs.
"You have to delete that." Jay pleads "It's embarrassing."
"It's not like anyone has ever seen it before, believe me you'd know if they had." Erin snort-laughs "I quite like it though. I think I'm going to make it my contact photo for you while I'm gone."
"Oh no you don't!" Jay exclaims, lunging forward.
He reaches over to grab her phone, Erin squealing as he does so. He's tickling her and she's squirming around in the passenger seat. Erin drops the phone and they stop as they notice just how close they are.
Jay's eyes flit from hers to her lips and back up again, and they can't resist any longer. She brings her hands up to cup his face as Jay leans in, their lips meeting as they finally kiss.
It feels like fireworks, and before they know it she's grabbing at his shirt trying to take it off while his hands brush through her hair. They pull back and look at each other for a second, before they meet in another kiss; filled with their longing, regret, hope and sadness.
"Jay we shouldn't." Erin whispers, inching closer to his warmth, her stomach doing flips as his familiar scent invades the air around her.
"I know" he raises his eyebrow, and she knows she's gone.
Their lips meet again. His tongue pushes into her mouth and she relishes in the familiarity of his actions, Jay groaning as her hands rake his hair. They've missed one another's touch.
Teeth are clashing as Jay's hands claw at Erins' jacket, prying it off her slender frame in a range of frenzied moves. Erin shiver as his cold fingers brush against the bare skin of her hips as he pushes her shirt up above her breasts, the rough calluses of his hands just as welcoming as his scent.
Erin's hands drop from his hair down to his jacket, tugging it off as they pull apart to gulp in needed air. She takes in his red, chapped lips and his inviting blue eyes before pulling his shirt off as well.
He smiles at her, the one he knows she loves as their hands roam one another's bodies hungrily. Erin's knee comes up onto the seat and she lets out a little yelp when her head hits the ceiling. She ignores the numbing sensation she feels and attaches her lips to Jay's again, her hands running up and down his bare chest.
They're panting as Jay's hands fumble with her Jeans, pulling back so Erin can toe off her shoes and shimmy out of the pants he's so desperately trying to rid her of. Their eyes lock, chests heaving as their lips are drawn together again. Jay's hands are firm on her hips as he drags her over to his lap, her ass bumping the horn on the way down.
"Never could keep quiet could you." He mumbles against her lips, a giggle escaping Erin's as she wriggles herself down on his manhood.
Jay rewards her with a guttural groan as his hips buck in response, Erin's lips are in a smirk as she reaches to undo his jeans and slip her hand into his boxers,
"Fuck." Jay pants as Erin cradles his length in her palm, rising on her knees so she has better access and he captures her breast into his mouth. His hands slide up her silky skin and he pulls her hand from inside his boxers so he can pull her shirt the rest of the way off her body. His mouth returns to her breast, his hand coming up to massage her other breast and he pinches her tight nipple between his fingers making her moan against the crook of his neck when her head falls.
Their moans fill the car as Erin and Jay worship each other's body, never wanting this moment to end. Within a split second, Erin begins to wonder why she's leaving. Why they left one another in the first place.
'This is home.'
Erin pushes those thoughts from my head as lust clouds her thoughts. Jay's lips claim hers again as his fingers push her panties aside and brushes against her opening. Erin bites her lip as Jay's fingers run along her slit, before pushing into her wet and waiting sex.
She pushes down against his hand; seeking more contact and digging her nails into the tops of his shoulders as he curls a finger before dragging it back out. Erin can feel the tightness of her belly, a coil waiting to snap as her pleasure is building and Jay pushes back in and flicking her clit lightly with his thumb.
He watches in ecstasy as Erin rides his fingers seeking the orgasm she clearly craves before removing his hand, running up her bare back and down to cup her ass.
"Jay." she whines as his lips find her neck, leaving a mark that will remind her of this moment for days to come. He pulls at his boxers and Erin lifts herself higher so he can pull his boxers down past his ass, their lower halves creating a delicious friction when Erin lowers herself back down.
Erin tugs pulls him to her, desperate to feel his skin against hers and their bodies mold to one another, sighing happily when Jay pushes his chest firmly into hers, lips back on Erin's as she grinds down on his lap.
Jay enters her slowly and stills, their eyes closed and lips brushing against the others; their bodies are humming with excitement, drinking in the feel of being joined as one after so long. His nose brushes her neck inhaling her sweet scent and Erin blinks back tears.
They know they don't have much time but they're trying to savour the moment. This moment of bliss will be too fleeting, gone before they can truly cherish it. They both know that this moment is the last they'll have together.
Erin is pressed against the steering wheel, trapped between his solid and warm body and the rubber digging into her back. Their bodies are moving in sync as they push each other closer to release.
She can feel Jay's hands in my hair as she rides him. Erin stills when his hands grip her hips, slowing her down and encouraging her to sink deeper onto him, moaning at the pleasure. She can hear him panting, she knows he's close and he's trying to get her there with him. Jay's thumb moves back to her clit to encourage her over the edge.
Erin begins shuddering against him, Jay's hips jerking and she can feel herself floating away on this high, enjoying and committing every moment of it to memory. When their bodies still, they become acutely aware of what's just happened. The smell of sex filling the car and their hot breaths the only sound as Erin drops her forehead to his.
Her body shudders one last time, and Jay thinks her body is still recovering, only to realize that she's crying. He can hear her sniffles as she buries her face into the crook of his neck, her tears wetting his chest as the fall from her eyes. Jay rubs his hand up and down her back, whispering reassurances as he soothes her.
"I don't want you to go." Jay pants and Erin freezes on top of him.
"Jay…" She leans back against the wheel, the horn startling them both.
She reaches over and grabs her shirt from the passenger seat and puts it back on, wrapping her arms around Jay's shoulders locking her hands behind his neck. Erin runs her fingers through his hair and leans forward so their nose-grazing.
Jay swallows hard "I know it's selfish of me to want you to stay, but I do."
"I have to go Jay." Erin whispers, kissing his lips softly.
"I know." He says sadly.
Erin looks confused "You do?"
"Of course, I do. I know you need a fresh start Erin, I just wish we could've had it together."
Erin smiles "You know, if I could, I would stay in our apartment forever with you. Laying in bed after that first night on the couch … It was the best night of my life, Jay."
"I never should have left Er. Maybe if I had stayed, things would be different. Maybe we would've already been planning our wedding."
Erin looks surprised, remembering the ring box he had in his hand earlier.
She shakes her head "You know, I still think we would've been in the same position. Even if I said yes, our issues would still be there. They still would've caused us all the trouble they did."
"You're probably right." Jay says softly "I just wish things had been different."
Erin brushes her hand against his cheek "Maybe one day, it will be."
Jay nods and Erin leans in to kiss him softly.
And I remember how I drove off
The things I wish we had discussed
Before I offered what I,
what I have here
They're sitting at the bus depot, Erin's head leaning on Jay's shoulder as they hold one another's hand. It's nearing 5:30, and Erin's bus will be calling for passengers soon. They've been sitting in silence for the past hour, savouring their last moments together.
"Hey, do me a favour?" Erin says softly.
"Anything." Jay looks down at her.
"Look after Hank for me. I know you two don't always see eye-to-eye, but I'm the only family he has left. And whether or not he says it, he does respect your opinion a lot. You can get through to him better than most people can. Make sure he's okay. Look out for him, confide in him." Erin chuckles "Just don't tell him we had sex in a police-owned car."
"That's a shame, I was thinking about starting out next conversation with those exact words." Jay lets out a small laugh "Of course I will. You got to promise me something too."
Erin nods, repeating his words to her "Anything."
"Promise me you won't close yourself off again. You've come so far in the years that I've known you, don't be afraid to let someone in. And … if you find someone who makes you happy-" Jay pauses, looking down at their joined hands "Don't be afraid to move on."
Erin sits up now, bringing her other hand on the side of his face forcing him to look at her "I don't want anyone else Halstead, only you."
"Erin-"
"No. This isn't goodbye forever. I am coming back to you, one day." Erin says sternly.
"I know, but I don't want you to feel guilty for moving on with your life if you do. Okay?" Jay says.
Erin sighs "Okay. Then you have to do the same. We both live our lives, and when the time comes we'll see where we're at."
"Sounds like a plan." Jay smiles, kissing her cheek.
'Greyhound to New York departing at 6.00am is now boarding. All passengers please go to Exit 6." The voice calls over the speaker, and Jay looks at Erin sadly.
"Time to go." She says sadly "I'll call you when I arrive."
"Okay." Jay says grabbing her duffel bag, but Erin stops him.
"You have to go Jay." Erin says softly "If you walk me to that gate, I don't know if I can get on that bus. I need you to go, please."
Jay opens his mouth to argue, but stops when he sees the tears that threaten to fall from Erin's eyes. He places the duffel bag down next to her, taking her in his arms and kissing her once more.
"I'm gonna miss you, Erin Lindsay." Jay whispers against her hair "I'll never regret a single moment I've spent with you."
"I think you're the first man I've ever truly loved, Jay Halstead." Erin whispers back, her voice choking with emotion "I'm sorry it has to be like this."
Jay pulls back to look at her, wiping her tears with the pad of his thumb "Don't apologise for doing what's right for you, Erin. I love you."
"I love you too." Erin whispers "I'm going to come back, I promise."
"I know. And when that day comes I'll be here waiting." Jay smiles.
"Final call for travellers on the 6:00am Greyhound to New York." The voice rings out again and Erin and Jay pull apart.
"Bye Jay." Erin says.
"Bye Erin." Jay replies, turning and walking out the door.
Erin walks towards the gate, showing her ticket to the lady at the desk before climbing up the stairs into the bus and sitting down at a window seat. She looks behind her and sees Jay's car turning out of the parking lot.
"Morning folks! Hope you're ready for a long ride." The bus driver greets cheerfully.
Erin feels the tears start to fall again, and turns her head back to the front of the bus. She pulls her jacket tighter around her, one hand clutching the engagement ring that was now looped through her necklace.
"I want you to have it. Bring it back to me when you decide to come home." His words comfort her as she cries softly, looking out the window as she passes the city limits of Chicago.
Jay drives aimlessly, not sure of what to do now. He thinks of all the moments they've had tonight. Everything she's said, everything he wishes he had told her.
He pulls over to the side of the road, tears blurring his vision. He's just lost the love of his life, and there's nothing they can do about it. She's currently one a bus heading out of the city, and he's heading back to their empty apartment.
I'm going to come back, I promise." He holds those words in his heart as he takes a few moments to mourn the loss of his future with Erin Lindsay.
One day, they'll come back home to each other. They'll live the life they've dreamed about for years, and they'll finally have their turn at a normal, happy life together.
But for now, as painful as it seems, they both know they have to let the other go.
Baby could you love me now
Baby could you love me now
Enough to let this go
A/N: I hope you like this idea! I wanted to give Erin and Jay a goodbye, and this song really inspired the heck out of me. Thank you again to Lexi for writing me the … 'intimate' scene ;P and to Laura for inspiring and motivating my lazy ass to write 3
By the way, the photo that I referred to, is the one Sophia posted of Jesse shirtless when they filmed 2.11/2.12 after the roadtrip episode got cancelled.
Please leave a review and let me know what you think!
Maddie