Darren wakes up suddenly, disoriented. It's dark, but he can tell this is not his room. Then, the events of the night before come swimming into his head.
Their clothes are scattered on the floor, and Darren can only feel his heart beating like crazy and Chris' breath and his touch on his naked skin.
I love you, Chris whispers before he pushes in him. The only answer Darren gives is a moan.
Darren looks around with wide eyes, laying them on Chris, who's sleeping blissfully, smiling in his sleep.
He then looks at the door. He sprints off the bed and gathers his clothing and, being as quiet as possible, he dresses up and leaves Chris' house without looking back.
It's probably the twelfth time that Chris calls him that morning, and surely the twelfth time that Darren doesn't answer. He's standing in front of Mia's door, and he finally decides to knock.
She opens the door, confused and sleepy.
«Darren? What are you doing here? I thought we'd… »
«I'm sorry. I don't want to break up, please. I… I love you, C-Mia» Darren knows that lying to her is horrible, especially about something like this, but he doesn't have a choice. Or better, he had one, but he's a coward.
Mia is familiar, and safe, and simple. And Darren doesn't understand anything anymore and he needs it.
«Ok, we can tal-» Darren interrupts her with a kiss. He pushes her in the house and closes the door behind himself. Then they go up in Mia's room.
Darren, I don't have any condo-oh-ms. Since you left… I haven't… oh.
It's doesn't matter, I just… I need you.
The phone rings. Darren knows it's not Chris, because he stopped calling days ago. He looks at the contact, it's Mia.
«D-Darren… »
«Mia? Are you crying? What's wrong? »
«You have to come to mine, please… » Darren picks up his keys and leaves.
«I'm pregnant. » Mia says. She sounds sure.
«You're… what? » No. Not now, not her. Not to him.
«You know, it happens when you have sex without protection! God, it's impossible… » she starts crying again.
No. Darren holds her close to him. No. «I twill be okay. It will… »
The pregnancy months fly between a song and another.
Darren thinks that probably Chris knows, because the media spread the news all over the world. He wonders why he cares so much, unable to give himself an answer. Liar, liar.
Abigail Criss comes to life on the fifth of May. It's obvious she's Darren's daughter, with her dark, curly hair. But nobody knows where her big blue eyes come from.
Abigail brings joy in Darren and Mia's lives.
But he knows it won't be enough forever.
Five years later, Mia leaves him. She knows he doesn't love her, and she never blamed him. But she says she wants to be happy. That she deserves it. Darren couldn't agree more.
Mia knows she can't take Abby from Darren. She knows she's the only reason he keeps living for. So, like the great woman she always was, she lets Darren take care of their daughter.
Sometimes she shows up at Darren's to spend time with Abigail. It doesn't matter if he stays, they don't hate each other.
Darren thinks she should hate him.
Abigail grows up. She gets more and more sensitive and smart. She knows her dad loves her more than anything else, and he looks happy when he's with her.
Growing up, Abigail understands that her father is missing something. But maybe she's still too young to understand what it is.
Darren is watching tv. There's a report about one of the most talented actors ever getting married. It's Chris. Darren ignores the pain burning his heart and, when Abby starts to cry, he begins to prepare dinner for her like every other day. If he cries himself to sleep, no one will ever know (maybe Mia does, but she doesn't talk about it.).
Abigail is now a teenager. She's 15 when she faces her dad. She asks him why he's not complete. Why he's never loved anyone after her mother.
Darren tells her. He tells her about Chris, about how he loved him and still does love him. He tells her about his regrets. He never told him he loves him back. About how he dies a little every day because Chris isn't with him. And he tells her he was the one to leave the man he loved.
«Why? » Abby asks him.
Darren doesn't look at her while he talks «You know, I always claimed to not to care about labels. But I was terrorized by the fact that I loved Chris. So, I ran and went to your mother. She had you. I don't know if she ever noticed that I cried every night. Maybe she did when I heard Chris was getting married and during the night I was sobbing so loud I could have woken the neighbors up. You know, your mom left me because since I couldn't be happy myself, I couldn't possibly make her happy. She knew I was broken and, as much as she loved me, she couldn't stand the situation anymore. You were the only thing that kept me sane. You are the only good thing that's ever come out of me. The only thing that kept me from becoming an idiotic vegetable because I ruined my own life. Because even after all these years, I still love Chris so much that I know if I stayed that night, we would still be together. That I wouldn't have received the invite to his wedding not because he hated me, but because I would've been the groom. I like thinking that I wouldn't be here writing songs for other people to play, but that I would still be on the stage singing stupid Disney songs, to then return home to the man I love and, maybe, our children. If I hadn't had you, all this thoughts would have killed me, but luckily you're here. God, you're the only thing in my life I don't regret. »
Darren is crying now. He feels two arms wrapping around him and he returns his daughter's hug.
Some years later, Abby comes home with her boyfriend. He's kind, well-mannered and it seems like he loves Abigail just as much as Darren does. Darren won't be surprised if they get married one day.
And they do. The day his daughter turns twenty, Taylor asks her to marry him.
After she's done with college, Darren walks his daughter to the altar.
«Chris, how does it work for you if your daughter gets married? » Darren asks, curious.
«Um, what? » Chris raises his eyes and looks right at him.
Darren ignores those damn butterflies in his stomach and goes on, «Well, which one out of the two dads gets to walk her to the altar? »
«Darren, why should I know? What kind of question is that? I guess both of them? »
«Well, that sounds logical. Cool. » Chris looks at him and laugh, and Darren doesn't know why he feels so powerful.
Sometimes, when both Abigail and Taylor are busy, Darren looks after their kids. They love him because, after all, under the pain and sorrow, Darren is still a child himself, doesn't matter how old he is.
Now they are the reason he keeps fighting. He watches them play, sleep and eat. He looks at them smiling while they dream.
Darren hasn't dreamed for a long time.
Darren is nearly eighty now.
One day, while he's cooking for the kids, he hears the news of Chris' death.
He calls Abigail to pick the children up.
Then, he locks himself in his room and cries.
«When I'll be old and wrinkly, I just hope I die before the person I love. » Darren says one day to Chris, while they're watching Mulan.
«Um wow Darren, random and creepy. » Chris looks at him weird, but then he laughs.
In his mind, Darren takes a net and tries to capture all the butterflies.
«In my opinion though, it would me much more romantic dying together. » Chris adds, and Darren changes his mind.
Dying with the person you love would be perfect.
The next morning the doorbell rings. It's the mailman, who delivers him a letter.
It's turquoise but it smells like vanilla.
It's from Chris. Darren thinks his hearts stops beating for a few seconds.
" Dear Darren,
I'm dying. Nobody tells me, but I kow I am. I know, so young, uh? God, I've wanted to tell you these thing for fifty years and now I don't know how to write them. Maybe I should give up I love you. I've always loved you. I was ashamed, you know? Because every time I looked at my husband I wished he was you. He knew. But he was such a fantastic man and he loved me so much he didn't care. But I wanted to die because of how much I was hurting him.
I lived with the conviction that you didn't love me. You left me, you never picked up my calls. You avoided me for fifty years. Then, the other day, my son was listening to one of your old songs. And I knew it was about me. After that, even death didn't scare me, because for the first time it was as if you told me you loved me. And that's all I've ever wanted. I'd like to see you, but with this Country's postal service when you'll get this letter I'll probably be dead. I don't care. I'm happy. The void I brought in my heart since that night isn't there anymore. I wish I shared my life with you. Or just kissed you one more time. But at least now I know I had you all this time. I love you, goodbye.
Forever yours,
Chris."
Darren closes the letter, crying. He calls his daughter and tells her to come see him.
«Dad? »Abigail can't believe her eyes. Her father is happy. He's complete. The spark in his eyes makes him look twenty.
Darren smiles at her. A real smile, «Abigail, we shall say goodbye today »
«Dad…? » Abby is confused.
«Today I'll go to sleep, but I know I won't wake up. Not here, anyway. I'm done by now. »
«Dad, how can you say that? I… » Darren gives her the letter, and she read it.
«Ok- she says, tears streaming down her face- but I stay with you till you fall asleep, alright? »
Dinner is weirdly normal. Darren even washes the dishes.
Then they go up to his room. Darren lies on the bed, his daughter sits on the nearby armchair.
«I love you, dad. I'm happy for you, but I'll miss you. » she still cries, but she's so strong.
Darren only smiles «Here I am, my love… » he closes his eyes, for the last time.
…or maybe not. Darren opens his eyes, stunned. He was sure that…
«Abigail? » he calls out, confused. Something moves next to him, Darren turns and stifles a scream.
Chris is there, next to him, young and beautiful. What…
Suddenly, sobs become to shake his body.
«Darren? » Chris' sweet and sleepy voice reaches his ears like music. Darren clings to him, desperate.
«I love you, I love you, I love you… » he whispers between sobs.
«Darren, sweetie, you okay? » Chris asks, worried.
«No, I… I've never been better. » he then falls asleep, next to his love.
Darren isn't invited to Chris' marriage. But he's there anyway, right in front of the altar.
He doesn't write songs for someone else. One day, after a concert, Chris calls him in panic and excitation. Their surrogate just got in labor.
Hours after, a beautiful baby girl with big blue eyes is born.
«Do you like the name Abigail? »
Darren never wonders if what he lived was a dream, or if life gave him a second chance.
But he doesn't care, and this time he isn't lying.
Darren is nearly eighty now. But this time, when he really closes his eyes for the last time, Chris is right there next to him.