Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki or its characters.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sanzo sat at the window, watching the rain trickle down the glass of the window.
He sighed as a crack of distant thunder met his ears and he leant his head against the glass. A shiver ran over him as he felt how cold the glass was. He raised his cigarette to the ashtray and stubbed it.
Damn, rain.
He hated it. It made him feel so open. He could always pin point the exact time that the insufferable feelings would arrive. The very notion that there was to be rain welled up a mixture in him when he felt the air become sticky with moisture. He hated the fact that couldn't control what he felt; he despised the lack of control.
It always had the ability to bring every single pessimistic thought he had and just let them surface. But that was always first. He recognized the stages: First the memories, then the thoughts, and then the sinking ache in his chest.
All because of his idiocy.
If he hadn't of arrived late, he could have saved him. He wouldn't have had to check his master chest just to see if it rose. He wouldn't be on this stupid journey if his master had been alive.
Slamming a fist on the window he felt the shudder of glass on his forehead. No wonder he hated being disorganized, after all, it was being late that sealed his master fate. But Koumyou wasn't his master, he was his mother, his father, his brother, his sister…he was his friend.
His death taught an important lesson to him: Attachments only bring pain.
Does a lover not eventually pass away, wont friends move on to bigger and better things? Even a parent will not be around to show you unconditional love forever.
It was all worthless, only idiots wasted their time on things that would eventually pass.
"Sanzo?"
Not moving his head from the window, Sanzo ignored the boy as he poked his head through the doorway.
"Hey, Sanzo?"
Persistent monkey…
"What?"
He had to stop the wince as he heard his voice. Too many cigarettes and not enough water.
"I just brought you something to drink. I thought you might be thirsty."
To stubborn to admit that he was in fact, incredibly thirsty, he kept his eyes glued to the window.
The saru's voice echoed in the room as he spoke again, "Um…well…I guess I'll just leave it on the table then."
From the reflection on the glass, Sanzo watched as he walked to towards the table and carefully placed it on top of it.
Waiting for the boy to leave, he felt a rush of annoyance as the monkey then slid effortlessly onto the bed, crossed his legs under him and stared at him.
Crossing his arms impatiently he hid his eyes under his hair, thankful that he had at least a little privacy from the golden eyes.
A silence spread over the room as they both stayed motionless. Goku's eyes had still not left his face.
The question burst from his mouth as the silence became uncomfortable, "what!?"
The boy flinched slightly from his voice and bit his lip as he answered, "I just thought you looked sad…."
Sanzo slid his hand into his other robe sleeve, conscious of how cold the room was, and fingered his fan.
He paused and then spoke again, his anger already draining as he took one small look at the boy, "Shouldn't you be pissing off Gojyo?"
"There keep acting really weird. Gojyo hasn't even tried to pick up the waitress yet; he just keeps on talking with Hakkai… saying all this stuff about him smiling and how they should go somewhere alone and stuff. I didn't get it… so I came up here!"
Trying not to smirk at how dense the boy was, he turned back to the window.
The silence spread over the room once more.
Three, two, one…
"Sanzo?"
Resisting the urge to bite his tongue and consequently drown from his own blood, he answered, "What now you baka?"
"…. Why are you so sad?"
His hand that was wrapped around his opposite arm, bit into the flesh as he tried to stop the shaking that seemed to spread through him. It was such a simple question but…as Sanzo found himself thinking…there was no real answer to it. He knew the source of it, but that was so long ago, his master would not have wanted him to dwell too much on his passing.
For a moment, Sanzo considered Goku's position. To him, it mirrored the relationship he had with his master, the only difference being that his master was decent, worth of respect. Even their meetings had been similar; one rescuing the other and the finding out that there was something different about each other. And then bond that started that would turn out to be undying faith, whether one sided or not.
Maybe it was because as long as he stayed distant and reclusive, he would always be reminded of the failure he was. It was no wonder that those ridiculous floating heads had chose him, if he was to perish on the mission then they would be one less of a corrupt monk and, presumably, his monkey.
He turned his full body to the window so that none of his face was visible, "Don't ask stupid questions."
The rain started to hit the window with more force as the wind-changed direction, making the outside world a complete blur.
Goku spoke again, in a voice Sanzo had only heard a few times, "Did I…. do something to upset you?"
Sanzo didn't answer, to inwardly shocked to even murmur out an insult. It was just like him to jump to conclusions, but Sanzo could hardly blame him. He had, after all, no idea about why he was like this.
The sullen monkey opened his mouth in preparation to speak again and Sanzo couldn't resist turning to him and watching him.
His head bowed as he stared at his lap, and with his hands gripping his ankles, Goku whispered in a voice that was just loud enough to hear, "I'm sorry, Sanzo."
An ache started in his heart and Sanzo felt the voice of Goku again, having broken through after years of successfully keeping it barricaded out. It was almost like someone had come and squeezed his heart and he placed a hand over the spot. He recognized the feeling from so long ago when he came across the boy in his mountain cage, the feeling of satisfaction he got when he felt that small hand in his and the calling finally ending after years of trying to sate it.
Feeling his legs go weak from the boy's unconscious calling, Sanzo walked towards the bed and gingerly sat down on it, incredibly aware of the eyes boring into him.
He lifted a hand towards the saru and ignored the subconscious flinch from the boy as he thought he was trying to wack him. He placed his hand on the boy's head and ruffled the hair, content with the feeling of the soft brown strands under his hand.
Sanzo felt the boy's calling slowly subside as he leaned into the strokes, a smile on his face and his eyes closed.
Ignoring the fact that he knew he would regret his actions later, he reached his arm around Goku's shoulder and pulled him into him. Through the brown strands he could see the golden eyes snap open and look up hopefully at him. With his arm still around him he used his other hand to continue the stroking motions through his hair.
He closed his eyes and laid his forehead against the other boys head, muttering as he did so, "One word of this to the others and I'll kill you."
Goku smiled.
Perhaps rain doesn't always bring tragedy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An: Woot…..gokuxsanzo!!
Just love the pairing! So people, write more of this pairing, it is so great and there is hardly any fics on it!!
Please review!!