Face to face and heart to heart
We're so close yet so far apart
"Lily."
Severus Snape's lips formed the name, his voice smooth as it caressed the two syllables. It sent a shiver down her spine... His voice always sent shivers down her spine, but this was different. Oh, if only things had been different. If only he'd been sorted to Gryffindor and hadn't consorted with all the Slytherins that were obviously going to become Death Eaters in the future.
If only she had the strength to love him like he deserved.
I close my eyes, I look away
That's just because I'm not okay
"Severus."
Lily. Lily Evans. Her voice was as sweet as ever. They were nearly grown now, out of school, the two of them, and he couldn't believe how much time had passed. It seemed like only yesterday that they had been children... that he had explained what she was, and now she was the most intelligent, most brilliant witch he'd ever known.
He'd called her a Mudblood once upon a time.
He still hated himself for it. He couldn't look her in the eye.
But I hold on, I stay strong
Wondering if we still belong
"We need to talk," they said together, both pausing and blushing at that happening.
"... Well... it's the last Hogsmeade weekend of the year," Lily suggested after a moment of awkward moment of silence. "We could go somewhere and talk... and hope nobody interrupts us..."
"I'd like that," Severus said, nodding. Before they graduated, he had to tell her. She had to know how he felt before she went too far with Potter.
There was another moment of silence before, seemingly with a silent agreement between them, they started off towards Hogsmeade. Sev kept his hands in his pockets, curled into fists. He didn't know why he was so tense... He was only going to tell her that he loved her and that he thought being with Potter was a mistake.
Oh. Right.
He'd never loved anyone before.
Will we ever say the words we're feeling?
Reach down underneath and tear down all the walls
Will we ever have a happy ending?
Or will we forever only be pretending?
We will always, always, always be pretending?
They made it down to Hogsmeade, and then paused, glancing at each other.
"... The Three Broomsticks?" Severus suggested. "We can get a booth away from the big crowd..."
She nodded, smiling. His heart and stomach clenched. "That sounds wonderful."
How long do I fantasize?
Make believe that it's still alive
He nodded and they started off that way, slipping through the crowds once they got inside the pub, finding a little secluded area. After ordering butterbeer from a curious, almost confused-looking Madame Rosemerta, they sat in silence that was slightly less awkward than the silence before.
"I need to tell you something," they said at the same time, once again stopping and blushing.
"You first," Lily said.
"No, you." Severus's heart was already sinking. If she said what he thought she was about to say... But if it wasn't? His hope went back up at that thought. Maybe it wasn't as bad as he thought. Maybe she'd changed her mind.
Maybe she loved him too.
Rosemerta came back with the butterbeer, setting it down and eyeing them for a moment before moving off.
Imagine that I am good enough
And we can choose the ones we love
"After graduation, James and I are getting married," Lily said quietly. "He proposed a few days ago."
But I hold on
I stay strong
Wondering if we still belong
Blank.
Severus's mind was blank. Married?
"How soon after?" he asked, trying to keep his voice calm. She was marrying the git. Marrying him.
"I don't know," she confessed, looking up at him. He wondered if he was showing how much this was hurting him. His entire world was falling apart, because of those words.
Lily is marrying James Potter.
Will we ever say the words we're feeling?
Reach down underneath and tear down all the walls
Will we ever have a happy ending?
Or will we forever only be pretending?
Will we always, always, always be
"So... What was it you wanted to tell me?" Lily asked tentatively.
Keeping secrets safe
Every move we make
Seems like no one's letting go
"It doesn't matter now," he muttered. He couldn't tell her now. She'd laugh in his face, see him as a fool. She'd never know what he felt for her. She'd never know that their Patronuses were the same.
She'd never know that he would have done anything for her.
And it's such a shame
'Cause if you feel the same
How am I supposed to know?
"Of course it does, Sev, I—"
He shook his head, standing up. "It doesn't," he repeated, pulling the money for the butterbeers out and placing it on the table. "Have a nice life with P—with James."
He couldn't look at her as he walked away. He thought he might have heard her sob, but it only made him walk away faster. Walk away from the one thing in the world that made him feel anything other than anger and hate.
He didn't have the strength to be near her. He couldn't. He had to get as far away from her as possible—physically, psychologically.
Will we ever say the words we're feeling?
Reach down underneath and tear down all the walls
(Tear down all the walls)
Will we ever have a happy ending?
Or will we forever only be pretending?
(Only be pretending)
He wasn't even sure where he was going, but eventually he found himself back on the Hogwarts grounds. Not wanting to go back inside, he walked by the forest, trying to clear his mind, to think of what to do next.
Will we always, always, always be pretending?
There was always Lucius's offer. What else did he have to live for? Certainly not someone else. He could never love anyone else. He knew that much.
Will we always, always, always be pretending?
Could he turn his life over to the Dark Lord?
Did he have much of a life at all without Lily?
In his eyes, he really didn't. He couldn't live without her... not the life he'd been planning on living before.
But could he be a Death Eater? Could he be something Lily so passionately hated?
Will we always, always, always be pretending?
He sat down under his usual tree, curling in on himself, staring out over the lake. He had no other choice. He had nothing else.
Somehow, he knew even this wouldn't do much for him. Silently he pulled out his wand and cast his Patronus, the silver doe springing out and trotting around before coming to him. He lifted a hand to pet her nose once before she dissipated. He knew his mind was made up.
"I love you, Lily Evans," he whispered, a few tears escaping. "I always will. I'm sorry."