If we had known that the King was to visit Winterfell, my family might have held off the wedding. There was little enough time for me and my groom to get to know each other and of course the King would want to officiate it. Though my soon-to-be husband was a lord's bastard and I was already pregnant, the King was nevertheless excited to marry his good friend's son. I wished my family had the same enthusiasm.
"You have always been such a good daughter. Why didn't you have the sense to kill yourself," she sighed one day as we traveled to Winterfell, to greet the king and meet my future family.
"I am sorry I have caused you such pain, Mother," I said. I looked across that carriage at my mother and sister. My mother had aged beyond her years. After my father died and she married my uncle, she got more and more unhappy. Her hair grayed and all traces of a smile left her face. My sister on the other hand, looked like my mother from when she was younger. Dark brown hair, striking blue eyes. I paled in comparison to her. My own hair was a light brown and my eyes went from green to blue to gray all in a day.
After I had been raped by Wildlings six months ago, my mother had pleaded with Lady Stark to marry me off before the baby was born. Of course my mother blamed me for the inconvenience. I wasn't the perfect daughter my older sister was. Penelope never had a hair out of place, never said the wrong thing. She was even engaged to Robb Stark, while I was stuck with his half brother. Jon Snow was the bastard of Ned Stark. I had never heard anything bad about him but the circumstances of our wedding were not the best. Since my child will be a bastard it only makes sense that my husband is too.
I tugged on my braid and absentmindedly rubbed my growing stomach as I looked nervously out of the window. Ever since that "attack" I was constantly afraid. Afraid of new places and new people. Especially men. As if any man could grab me and force me to subject to his will. It made my eyes blur just to think of it. Luckily, the carriage halted to a stop. The door swung open and a gloved hand reached in.
"Welcome to Winterfell," said the owner of the hand. He was a member of the Kingsgaurd but nonetheless, a stranger. I maneuvered past him, jumping and landing with a thud of the ground. I leaned against the carriage and took a breath. I had never gotten used the chilled air of the North, though my family lived less than half a days' ride from Winterfell. I pulled my cloak closer around my self and turned, waiting for my mother and sister to step out of the carriage. My uncle swung of his stallion and came advancing towards me.
"Now, don't forget your manners. We will be in the company of royalty. Do not mess this up," he glowered at me and turned at the sound of horn. I looked over his shoulder and saw the King, the Queen and Lord and Lady Stark advancing towards us. My family dropped to their knees and I put my hand of my sister's shoulder to help lower myself to the ground.
"Miss Pellinor!" the King thundered. "You are with child! There is no need for such. You will hurt yourself. Rise," he said taking my hand. I managed a small curtsey.
"Your Grace," I said weakly. Lord Stark stepped forward. Not far behind him was Lady Stark. She hugged my mother and gave my uncle her hand. My sister curtsied deeply and smiled. There was nothing she could do wrong. I stepped behind her ever so slightly so that I put some distance between me and the Starks.
"Lady Pellinor, I am so happy to see you again. You seem to be doing well. I hope your ride was not to uncomfortable, Miss Azalea?" she directed the question at me and I nodded.
"It was as comfortable as it gets. I'm afraid that comfort is out of my grasp these days." I rested my hand ontop of my belly. She took me by the elbow and the Queen fell in step beside me as we walked into the castle. I could see my uncle and mother talking closely with Lord Stark. They looked very displeased. I sighed and turned my attention back to the Queen.
"I remember when I had Joffrey, I felt like he was doing it on purpose. The only thing that eased my aching back was laying on my side and having my feet rubbed." She laughed gently and put her hand on my arm. We took a turn and arrived at my room.
"You will be staying here till your wedding. Then you may be moved into Jon's room," Lady Stark led me into the room and turned me around so I could see the extent of it. The bed was a four poster by the window with a desk at the end. There was a dresser by the door and a full length mirror next to that. It was nicer than my room at home. I twisted to look at Lady Stark and the Queen.
"Thank you so much. I am sure I will be very comfortable here." I curtsied signaling that I wanted to be alone. They smiled and brushed out of the room, shutting the door behind them. I sat on the bed with a sigh. I swung my feet up and laid down. I rolled onto my side and let all of my muscles relax. I sank into the comfort of the bed, my eyes drooping. I tucked a pillow under my belly and presently fell asleep.
I awoke to a knock at my door. "Come in," I shouted rolling over. The door opened slowly and none other than Jon Snow peered in. His messy hair pushed out of his face, his dark eyes soft. I also noticed a wet, black nose poking past him. A white, wolf pup pushed its way into the room and jumped onto my bed. I tried to push it away as it licked my face but it was too strong.
"Ghost, down. Sorry about that," he said as the pup trotted over to him.
"Is that a-a direwolf?" I asked trying to sit up. I had never seen a wolf so young looking and large. It sat down next the door, waiting for him to enter the room.
"That it is." He looked at his feet. "I am here to fetch you to dinner. Will you be joining me?" He looked up through his lashes. His voice soft yet rough.
"Yes, let me just get up," my voice strained as I struggled to get up. Jon opened the door farther as he came through it. I shied away from his touch as he tried to take my arm. He paused and dropped his hand. I realized my mistake and held out my hand, trying to smile. This marriage might not typical but I could at least try to like my soon-to-be-husband. He took my arm but didn't smile back. I hopped off the back and steadied my hand on his shoulder.
He led the way to the banquet hall and helped me get through the crowds of people, to my seat. I eased myself down and let out a shaky breath. With Jon to my left, my sister to my right and Ghost at my feet, I tried to stay calm. I shifted nervously in my chair as the the King stood and proposed a toast.
"Today, we honour two young people and tomorrow they will be wed. May you live your lives full of love and happiness." He raised his goblet towards us and I smiled politely. I sipped my water and tried to sneak a look at Jon. He was turned towards his sister, Arya, and they were laughing. I had heard that he was very close with his half-sister. She caught my eye and drew me into the conversation.
"Miss Azalea," she called. "Are you any good at archery?" She seemed eager. Jon swiveled around so that he was facing me. I leaned across Jon so my sister wouldn't hear. She was always so nosy.
"Actually Miss Arya, I am no good at archery. Though I do love to ride horses if that is any comparison." I gave her a wink. "I am sure you, though, are a master of the bow. Perhaps you could teach me." She blushed and tugged on Jon's sleeve. She whispered something in his ear and jumped up. She spun on her heel and sped away. Jon turned back to me. I gave him a quizzical look.
"She made something for you," he explained.
"Ahh, I shall have to wait and see what it is." I turned back to my plate and pushed around my food. I knew I had to eat but I could feel the baby moving inside me and it made my stomach flutter. I leaned back into my chair, taking a deep breath and rubbing my belly. I felt as though I was going to puke and was doing everything in my power to calm down. Now would be a most inappropriate time for such a disgusting thing. I repositioned once again and took a dainty bite of potatoes. I could almost feel the bite travel into my stomach. I took a sip of water and exhaled. I took a bigger bite and brushed a loose lock of hair from my eyes. I wiped my mouth and turned when I saw Arya out of the corner of my eye. She bounced onto the terrace and stopped next to me.
"Miss Arya! I wondered where you'd gone! What do you have hiding behind your back?" I tried to lean around her to see what it was. She put her hands out in front of her and opened them. Sitting in her hands was a carving of a bear, the animal of my house. It was well crafted for a girl of eleven.
"By the Gods! That is wonderful! Is this for me?" I clasped my hands together eagerly.
"It's for the baby," she said smiling. I took the bear from her hand, turning it over. "I made it myself." Jon nodded.
"It's true. She has spent the past month working on it, just for the baby." He put his hand on Arya's shoulder. I thanked her and she returned to her seat. I sat the bear by my cup and turned it so that it faced me. Just looking at it, made me feel more at home.
Two hours later, the festivities winded down and we all headed to our respective rooms. I was exhausted from the night and nervous for the next day. I was ready to get married but the general idea was worrisome. Would he care for my child? Would he even care about me? I would do anything to have a happy life but will he feel the same? I fell asleep with these questions on my mind.
The morning of my wedding I woke early. A servant girl poured a warm bath for me and dressed me in a billowy, white gown. It pulled in just above my belly and fell freely to the floor. She also plaited and twisted my hair into a knotted bun. After two hours of dressing and waiting, it was time.
I walked through the middle of the hall towards Jon, trying to keep calm. He looked at me with such a serious look. Not a frown but more like this was his duty. Like he had to. The King smiled for everyone in the church. I reached the altar and took Jon's outstretched hand.
"I, Robert of the House Baratheon, the First of his Name, King of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm, join in hand, Jon Snow, son of Eddard Stark and Azalea Pellinor, daughter of Thomas Pellinor. Jon Snow, do you take Azalea as your wife? To protect and love for all of your days?" The King turned to Jon, who held my eyes with his.
"I do." He said the words without emotion or conviction, but it didn't matter. As long as I had a husband to take care of me and my child, I would make the best of my life. The King turned to me.
"Azalea Pellinor, do you take Jon Snow as your husband? To bear children for and to cherish for all of your days?" I narrowed my eyes at Jon.
"I do." That was it. Some words. The King took my hand and Jon's joining them and holding them high, in triumph. Clapping and cheering erupted from the people watching. As the custom, Jon took me by the waist and kissed me. It was not unpleasant. His beard tickled my chin but his lips were soft and almost felt, caring. Images of my rapist flashed into my mind. His harsh mouth against mine, forcing me. I pulled from Jon and felt his hand take mine. He looked at me with concern but said nothing.. He simply took my hand and led me to the middle of the large room. He put his hand back on my waist and stood, waiting for the musicians to cue the music for our first dance.
It was clumsy. I tripped over my own feet as well as Jon's trying to keep up. After a few turns, he realized I couldn't dance in my state and we retired to our seats, placed higher than even the King and Queen's. Though he may be King, Robert understood that this was our day. We sat, nodding as people placed gifts at out feet. Blankets, things for the baby, arrows for Jon, all was welcome. But one present I loved more than all. The bear that Arya had carved for me. It sat on my desk, centerfold. I thought of it as I watched Jon dance with his sisters. Taking each of them about the room. After I had dance with Jon, not a single person asked me to dance. That was fine with me.
After hours of watching people dance and play games, it was finally time for us to go to his room. Together. Alone. I didn't know if intimcay while I was pregnant was such a good idea but Jon was my husband. I had to obey. He took my arm and led me to his room, not saying a word. We finally reached his room and I began to panic. I didn't know if I could handle the thought of him even touching me. My heart began to race as I stepped into his room. It was dimly lit with candles and was arranged the same as mine. Bed by the window, desk at the foot of the bed. I crossed to the bed and leaned against it, my hands resting on the soft quilt.
I was startled when I felt his hands slide up my back to my shoulders, his touch light. He turned me around and so I looked straight into his eyes. They were full of passion and a hint of pain. I started to unlace my dress from behind and turned away as he removed his shirt. I felt his hand on my shoulder, after my dress dropped lightly to the floor.
"Not tonight. We will wait until you have the baby," he said softly. I heard a rustling sound as he pulled a nightgown from a pile on his dresser. I took it, pulling it over my head, as he jumped into the bed. I slid in next to him and pulled the covers to my chin. I rolled towards him, feeling his weight next to me.
"Jon?" I asked. He rolled over as well, the moon lighting his face and muscles. "Will you love this baby even though it is not yours?" I could feel tears coming to my eyes as I watched him sit up, sighing.
"Yes. I know what it is like to be a bastard, to have your sibling's parent hate you. Lady Stark loathes my existence. I will love this baby and will raise it as my own. I would never want your child to feel as if I didn't love it.," he looked at me sideways, waiting for my reaction. I pushed against the bed, pushing myself up and kissed him on the lips. I could feel his hands wrap around me, making me feel safe.
"Thank you so much," I whispered against his lips. I felt him smile and pull away. He said goodnight and that was the end of that. I laid down facing away from him, shivering in the dark on the castle. I rubbed my arms to try to warm myself up. I pulled the covers to my chin and snuggled into my pillows, relaxing into them. Sleep fell swiftly upon me and was I glad for it.
Two days later, tragedy struck. Young master Bran was found unconscious and his legs broken. He had fallen from an unused part of the tower. I sat by his bed as Jon rode out to find Lord Stark who was out hunting with the King. Rickon sat at my feet with Shaggydog, pulling on his tail. I sat quietly with my sewing, stopping only to shift uncomfortably in my chair and to peek at Lady Stark. She sat unmoving, watching her son. Summer looked at me morosely from his post on Bran's bed. Both of the direwolves tensed and pricked up their ears. Moments later, the door creaked open and Lord Stark marched in followed by Robb. I rose to my feet and curtsied and stepped towards the door. With Lord Stark becoming the Hand of the King and Lady Stark needing to watch over Bran, I was charged with taking care of the youngest Stark child but with them both in the room, I left him where he was. I turned to leave and bumped into Arya and Sansa.
"Azalea, we were going for a walk and wondered if you would accompany us. We should also like to invite Joffrey with us." Sansa was so much like my sister. The daughter who obeyed without thought and did what she thought would get her praise. Arya looked displeased when Sansa mentioned Joffrey and I could imagine why. Though I had only seen him a few times, those time were not pleasant. He acted like he was already king.
"Of course. Left me get my cloak from my room and we shall be off," I tried to sound cheery despite the unfortunate circumstances. I took Arya by the hand and we brushed out of the room. I retrieved my cloak and we met Joffrey in the yard with the Hound.
"You are late!" He exclaimed. "Lady Sansa," he bowed when he noticed her and turned towards the Hound. "Let us go, Dog. I should like to be back in time for supper." He started towards the gate and we trailed behind him, letting Sansa catch up with him. News had flown about the castle saying that she was to marry him when she came of age
.
Arya and I spent the walk looking at the different types of plant and animals that inhabit the forest surrounding Winterfell. We saw many deer, coyotes, eagles and even a few squirrels. The Hound walked with us, but kept his eyes on Joffrey. He often corrected me when I incorrectly named a plant but it wasn't rudely, it was more like he was helping me learn. The Hound was an odd person indeed.
After walking a great length, we decided to stop and rest before heading back. We found a small clearing with a log fallen in the middle and we sat in various places around it. I sat on the ground with my back against the log watching Arya climb a tree. Sansa and Joffrey sat a small distance away and the Hound was standing halfway between us, watching for danger. I rubbed my aching back and rested my eyes for a brief second. Then, for a a moment, I could feel something stir in my belly. It was sort of a tingling, sliding sensation. The baby had moved!
"Arya! Come down! I want to show you something!" I shouted up at her and repositioned.
"Alright!" Her voice drifted down from the tree top. I watched as the branches shook and bowed as she jumped from one the next. Arya dropped to the ground and sprinted over. She stopped just short of the log and knelt down next to me. I took her hand and put it just to the left of my belly button. The tingling sensation happened again, just under her hand and her eyes widened.
"That's the baby moving around," I said smiling. Out of the corner of the my ye, I could see Joffrey and Sansa approaching. I pushed myself up and leaned against the log. "Yes your Grace?"
"I am bored. Let's go back," Joffrey said. He even sounded bored. We all agreed and started back. I linked arms with Arya and Sansa. Joffrey walked ahead with the Hound following just behind him. We walked in silence, there wasn't much to say. Joffrey got ever farther ahead of us, not even caring to look back. After a time, he was completely out of sight and we walked alone still a good distance from the castle. There was an eerie silence as we followed the path up a small hill at the top of which we could see the castle. It was farther than it looked.
By the time we got back, supper was already being served. We snuck to our seats and tried to act as if we hadn't even been late. I sat next to Jon at the end of the hall away from the royal family and the girls sat by Ned and Catelyn. Since Jon was a bastard he was not allowed to sit by the King and his party and seeing as that I was his wife, the same applied to me. I sipped my glass of wine and smoothed down my dress trying to calm my heart. I was exhausted from the trip back. I turned to Jon.
"Jon," I whispered. "How is Bran? Is there any change?" I put my hand on his knee leaning towards him.
"There is no change but he isn't worse so there's hope." I nodded and took a bite of my food, chewing slowly. I had been apart of the Stark family for a matter of days but I already cared for them. I considered Arya to be my sister and Bran my brother. I would be devastated if anything happened to them. I leaned my head against Jon's shoulder and but gasped when the baby moved again. It was such an unexpected feeling. I looked down at my belly and put my hand where I felt the motion. I took Jon's hand putting it on my belly letting him feel the fluttery motion of the baby growing inside me. I smiled at him and he drew his hand away. He stood and walked off, leaving me sitting there, confused. I was just trying to connect with him. To get closer to him.
Later that night, I arrived back to find Jon already in bed. I quietly changed and slid into bed, hoping not to wake him. I tucked a pillow under my back and pulled the covers over my shoulder. The bed shifted and I heard Jon sigh. I rolled over towards him and saw that his eyes were open. We laid there for a minute, just looking at each other. Almost as if we were trying to look past each others eyes and see something more. I wanted to see someone who cared for me and loved me, not just a man that I was married to. After a while, I realized that he would never care for me that way that I hoped and I turned over, hoping that he wouldn't see the tears in my eyes. After a moment, I felt him put his arm around me and nestle his face in my hair. He breathed deeply and sighed. I snuggled backwards against him. I pulled the covers up to my chin, hoping they would keep out the cold and tried not to move. I felt like any kind of motion would ruin the moment.
I must have shivered despite the thick blankets because in the dead of night I awoke and saw Jon at the fireplace setting a large log onto the already blazing fire. I watched him stoke it and get it going, then closed my eyes when he returned to the bed. I slept fitfully the rest of the night, tossing and turning while Jon lay still beside me. The only thing that comforted me was that fact the baby was due in about a month and that someone would be there to care for it and me.