Roberticus Decimus Barnharticus
"Bobicus"
&
The Present
In the year 8 AD, the Roman general of the Novus Invicta Legion marched his troops to war against the German barbarians. How could this ancient-day general possibly know his life was about to be jumped 2,000 years into the future?
This general, Roberticus Decimus Barnharticus (everyone called him Bobicus), was marching through Germany when he suddenly found a little boy crying on the side of the road.
"Why are you crying little boy?" Bobicus asked him.
"Because my God has abandoned me!" replied the little boy.
Well that's just terrible Bobicus thought.
"Who is your God little boy? We could pray for him to return to you," Bobicus said to the little boy.
The boy looked up with a smile and said, "Satan is my God."
Bobicus looked shocked, and he said, "What the fck little boy? What's your name and why do you worship Satan, and why would he abandon you? He needs all the little evil helpers he can get!"
The boy said, "My name's Johnny, and it can all be explained in this little song…here, I'll sing it for you..
The devil went down to Georgia, he was looking for a soul to steal. Johnny you rosin up your bow and play your fiddle hard. The devil opened up his case and he said: "I'll start this show."
He was in a bind 'cos he was way behind: he was willin' to make a deal.
When he came across this young man sawin' on a fiddle and playin' it hot.
And the devil jumped upon a hickory stump and said: "Boy let me tell you what:
"I bet you didn't know it, but I'm a fiddle player too.
"And if you'd care to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you.
"Now you play a pretty good fiddle, boy, but give the devil his due:
"I bet a fiddle of gold against your soul, 'cos I think I'm better than you."
The boy said: "My name's Johnny and it might be a sin,
"But I'll take your bet, you're gonna regret, 'cos I'm the best that's ever been."
'Cos hel'ls broke loose in Georgia and the devil deals it hard.
And if you win you get this shiny fiddle made of gold.
But if you lose, the devil gets your soul.
And fire flew from his fingertips as he rosined up his bow.
And he pulled the bow across his strings and it made an evil hiss.
Then a band of demons joined in and it sounded something like this.
awesome fiddle playing here
When the devil finished, Johnny said: "Well you're pretty good ol' son.
"But if you'll sit down in that chair, right there, and let me show you how its done."
better fiddle playing here
Fire on the mountain, run boys, run. The devil bowed his head because he knew that he'd been beat. And he played fire on the mountain, run boys, run.
The devil's in the house of the risin' sun.
Chicken in the bread pin, pickin' out dough.
"Granny, does your dog bite?"
"No, child, no."
He laid that golden fiddle on the ground at Johnny's feet.
Johnny said: "Devil just come on back if you ever want to try again.
"I told you once, you son of a bitch, I'm the best there's ever been."
The devil's in the house of the risin' sun.
Chicken in the bread pin pickin' out dough.
"Granny, does your dog bite?"
"No, child, no."'
When he was done, Bobicus and his men stood there amazed.
I have a couple of questions though Bobicus said, "First, where the heck is Georgia? Secondly, I've never heard of this fiddle, but it gave me the urge to do something called a "ho-down" and also to beat my wife and chew tobacco even though I haven't a clue what tobacco is."
"Georgia is an American state, and yeah, this here fiddle sure is somethin' special," said Johnny. Then Johnny continued and he stated, "I know you boys aint never been to America, or know what it is, heck it don't even exist right now, but if you go over and massacre and kill everybody in that innocent village over there, Satan will see it and he'll definitely come back to see this evil in person."
Bobicus told him, "No, I'd rather not do so much evil."
"You don't have a choice," Johnny told him.
Johnny was actually a demon and he jumped out and possessed Bobicus's body like the exorcist or some sht.
Then Johnny had Bobicus order all his troops to go and slay and destroy the small innocent village.
After it was done, Johnny jumped out of Bobicus's body and said, "See there, wasn't that fun?"
Bobicus replied, "Yeah it kind of was…wait, what am I saying?!?!?!"
Just then, Satan appeared in a mist of hellfire and Slayer music, but he accidentally appeared right in the middle of Bobicus's men, and he killed almost all of then, save a handful and Bobicus.
"Well, what do we have here?" Satan asked.
"These fellows want to see America, in my time," Johnny told him.
"Actually, we'd rather not," Bobicus said. "We're just going to head back to base if you don't mind…"
"Nonsense," Satan said. And just like that, he sent them all into the year 2008, right in the middle of Georgia.
They all woke up right in the middle of Georgia, late at night, and in the middle of backwoods redneck county. They were in the woods in Germany when they were transported, so they all thought they were dreaming somehow.
But then they saw two headlights heading straight for them, and Bobicus shouted, "Oh Gods, those two Suns are heading straight for us!" And he and his men dove for cover in the nearby bushes.
Once the truck, which they thought was two incredibly fast suns passed, they began to follow the winding dirt road up to the house.
"Ah, civilization," they said.
They did not find much civilization, but they did find a bunch of drunk rednecks partying like it Georgia had just won the Sugar Bowl or something, but of course, the Romans didn't know this.
They walked in and instantly someone shouted in a drunk redneck voice, "Alright, folks wearin' lil' costumes or somethin'!"
Another one yelled, "Hear buddy drink this stuff man, it'll knock you off yer' feet!" and he handed one of the Romans a jug of moonshine.
The Roman said, "Gods be praised, I was dying of thirst!" And the Roman drank the moonshine. Now, Romans have no stronger drink than wine most of the time, and moonshine is some strong stuff, so you can imagine the unlucky Roman's reaction to a mouthful of moonshine.
The Roman passed out on the spot.
When Bobicus saw his soldier pass out, he shouted to his men, "Dear Gods, these barbarians have killed Mason!" And he drew his sword, and so did his troops, and he shouted, "CHAAAARGE!!!"
And so, Bobicus and his men killed every redneck at the party, which actually raised the average IQ of the state by several points. Oh, and Mason came to several hours later while they carried his body away while the house burned.
The next day, the troops marched into Atlanta, and right onto the highway.
A passing escalade ran over a soldier named Fredericus, and four black gangsters filed out of the vehicle to start cussing in unintelligible Atlanta-talk.
"Yo mayne," one of them said, "Whatt y'all be doin' hurr folk, you can't be on da road like dat mutha fcka".
"Bobicus addressed the one who was driving, assuming him to be the leader, "Yes, painted one, your horseless wagon seems to have stuck my soldier."
To this, the gangster replied, "Who is you bih?"
Bobicus told him, "I am Roberticus Decimus Barnharticus, former tribune, former praetor, former consul, current general, and current Imperial Army leader of Rome. And whom are you, friend?"
"What de fck," the black man said, "I should shoot all yall right hurr for messin' up my ride!"
Do not threaten me!" Bobicus shouted, "Men, arrows! FIRE!" And just like that, Bobicus's troops shot down the gangsters with bows.
Later, Bobicus and his men were exploring Atlanta when they came across the news being displayed in some T.V.'s in the window of a store.
The news was showing the house they had destroyed and the gangsters they had killed. The reporters were saying police thought the crimes were related.
"Crimes!" Bobicus said, "We were fighting for survival, those people in the woods tried to poison Mason, and the people in that horseless wagon killed Samarius and threatened me! Are you listening to me picture-box?!" And Bobby drew his sword and destroyed the television.
Hearing the commotion, the store's owner came running and shouted, "You'll pay for that you little punk!"
Bobicus replied, "I don't know what a punk is, but I will not pay for your picture-box, it insulted my men and me."
"Wait," the shop owner said, "I know who you guys are. Y'all are the murderers!" And he ran out of the room into his office and locked the door before called 911.
Bobicus and his men marched out of town before they could be found, and they marched all the way to the ocean.
They found a boat and tried to find the sails and oars to row it, but they had no idea how to work it.
So they paid a man to drive his boat. They paid him in solid gold and silver, which is what Roman coins are made out of.
When he asked where they wanted to go, Bobicus replied, "Out of this Georgia, somewhere nice, and somewhere beautiful please."
They arrived in Pensacola, Florida several days later.
They enjoyed many years of happiness here. They got married, they got jobs (some served in the modern military, some even had office jobs, but Bobicus became head developer of a computer game company that made games about ancient warfare), and they adapted to their new lives.
They even saw movies of their old lives. Bobicus loved to watch Gladiator, The Last Legion, 300, and even Braveheart (but not Troy or Alexander, as those were just terrible).
But one day, all that would change, again.
Twenty-something years later, a man came walking across Bobicus's pool and said to him, "Hello, I am Jesus."
And Bobicus said to him, "Hi, I'm Roberticus Decimus Barn…."
"Yes, I know," Jesus interrupted him, "I've come to send you and your men back to your own time. I've died for mankind's sins in your time and Satan no longer has any power over man."
"But I don't really want to go," Bobicus said.
"You have no choice!" Jesus yelled, and just like that Bobicus and his men were transported into a boat a lake back in Germany.
"Goodbye," Jesus said.
"Wait!" Bobicus said, "Where is the magic fast lever on this boat?"
Jesus then said, "Oops, my bad. I forgot to wipe your memory." And just like that, he wiped the Romans' memories and disappeared.
Bobicus and his men paddled to the shore, and resumed their lives as Romans.
Note to reader: Johnny, the little boy/demon, died of AIDS shortly after meeting the Romans
THE
END