Author's Note: This one-shot effort – which happens to be my first ever – concerns the usual suspects, but with heavily exaggerated/wholly fabricated character traits and a significantly rougher vocabulary than what is normal; swearing, insults and random bursts of violence fly around quite unrestrained a few lines down. But the intentions are good, honest: just some harmless fun and a lot of silliness, which hopefully isn't overdone. This author finds that humour is best served medium rare. Also, please let me know what you think and anything you think I could do better! (^.^)/

Now then, let's get on with the story...

Disclaimer:I don't own Bleach.

Of Crashes, Thuds and One Very Big Boom

-#-

Place: Inoue Orihime's apartment. Or, rather, what's left of it. Yep, that's right: the gang is over for a visit.

Time: about 5 minutes after our dear Orihime made the stupid, stupid decision to allow her diverse – and diversely violent – group of friends into her home.

Combatants, I mean, uh, guests: Kurosaki Ichigo, Kuchiki Rukia, Yatsutora 'Chad' Sado, Ishida Uryuu and Abarai Renji. An honorary mention goes out to Kuchiki-taichou who gets to suffer a little at the end.

So, in the Living World or, more specifically, in one Inoue Orihime's apartment...

Ichigo: "Yo, Inoue! The midget and I were sort of bored and—what the...? That hurt, Rukia! Anyway, so we decided to come by to see how you were doing. We met up with those two on the way here. Oh yeah, and I think Renji's gonna join us through the window."

Orihime: "Hello, Kurosaki-kun! Welcome, everyone! Hi, Abarai-kun! That window is open. No, the other one, watch the frame. Um, what a pleasant surprise! Just make yourself at home and—"

Crash!

Crash! Crash! Crash!

CRASH!

Orihime: "Um... Abarai-kun? Could you be bit more careful next time? I liked that vase and those figurines were very pretty. But, it doesn't matter. I can always get new ones. Oh, that reminds me, when I was baking earlier—"

Ichigo: "Renji, honestly, you're such a klutz! It's just a window! Jeez! I wonder what your flower-boy taichou sees in you. If you were my fukutaichou, you'd been demoted a long ago for sure!"

Renji: "...deep breaths, Renji. You're not going to let him get to you. You're not going to let that bastard get to you. You're not going to let that smirking bastard get to you. You're not going to let that smug, smirking bastard ge—YOU'RE SO DEAD, KUROSAKI!"

Rukia: "Oi, Strawberry, don't you dare disrespect Nii-sama!"

Thud!

Ichigo: "What the...? That hurt, Rukia! Oh, shit, shit, Renji? ...Renji?"

Renji: "I-CHI-GO...!"

Ichigo: "Renji, do-don't come any closer, man, and watch that zanpakutou! You're not in a Gigai right now, remember? Yo, Renji? Dammit, RENJI!"

Orihime: "Kurosaki-kun, perhaps you'd better refrain from using that—"

THUD! THUD! THUD!

Thud!

Renji: "—OUCH! What the hell's the matter with you, Kurosaki? You attacked me with a fucking book!"

Uryuu: "Kurosaki, forgive my confusion, but why is it that you're hiding from that very, very angry man wielding that very, very sharp sword, behind us? We're just innocent bystanders, while you, on the other hand, totally deserve whatever comes in your way."

Chad: "..."

Ichigo: "Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Ishida. Uh, Chad, we're buddies, right?"

Chad: "..."

Renji: "Strawberry, you bastard! Come back here before I go bankai on your ass...!"

Rukia: "Ichigo! You... WHY did you hit Renji in the head with an encyclopaedia? Apologize!"

Ichigo: "My name's not 'Strawberry', you moron – and no, Rukia, I'm not apologizing to nobody – and what's that about mentioning a bankai? If I remember correctly, only one person in this room has a bankai worth mentioning, and a clue: it ain't you."

Renji: "YOU'RE A DEAD, DEAD MAN, KUROSAKI!"

Ichigo: "Hah! So you wanna be outclassed AGAIN? Fine. Oi, someone! Watch my body, while I take care of this."

Uryuu: "You Shinigami are all idiots, you know that?"

Rukia: "Is that so... Care to explain yourself, HUH?"

Uryuu: "Eh, well, when I said 'Shinigami' it was of course only in the vaguest sense of the word. Uh, I'm naturally not thinking that all Shinigami are pig-headed, immature, useless—ehh..."

Rukia: "..."

Uryuu: "I-I'm retracting my statement."

Rukia: "A wise decision, Ishida-kun."

Orihime: "Maybe you should fight outside, Kurosaki-kun? It's a bit cramped in here and—"

Renji: "Howl, Zabima—"

Rukia: "Okay, that's it! EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!"

Chad: "..."

Silence

Orihime: "Kuchiki-san, maybe—"

Rukia: "That's better. Renji, put Zabimaru away. We don't want a repeat of last time, do we?"

Renji: "I couldn't walk straight for a week... So no, we don't."

Rukia: "Very good, Renji. Now, Ichigo, get back into your body. We don't want a repeat of last time, do we?"

Ichigo: "I completely lost the use of my arm for three days."

Rukia: "..."

Ichigo: "No, we don't want a repeat. Happy?"

Rukia: "Yes. Thank you, Ichigo. Now then, let me see... Oh yeah, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?"

More silence

Orihime: "Kuchiki-san?"

Rukia: "Yes, Inoue-san?"

Orihime: "What, um, happened 'last time'?"

Whisper

Orihime: "Oh."

Still more silence

Ichigo: "He started it."

Renji: "Did not. Stupid Strawberry."

Orihime: "I think I have some strawberries in the fridge...or maybe those were those tomatoes? I could check for you if you like. Or buy some for you. Today is Sunday, but I think that the store might still be open..."

Ichigo: "No, thank you, Inoue, we'll be just fine without strawberries. Did too. Pineapple-head."

Renji: "Did not, did not, did not. Did not!"

Uryuu: "What's wrong with you two? Look at yourselves, could you get any more immature and childish? Leaving it to the likes of you to save the world? Hah! What a joke! Seriously, though, never send in a Shinigami to do a Quincy's job, I always say."

Renji and Ichigo: "Shut up, Quincy!"

Ichigo: "Yo, speaking of 'immature and childish.' What's up with that pretty cape of yours, huh?"

Renji: "Yeah...! What he said."

Uryuu: "It's a mantle, not a cape; there's a distinct difference. And leave my mantle out of it, Kurosaki. At least I have some style. Black is so last season."

Orihime: "Really? You know, I was doing some shopping yesterday, when I saw this really pretty—"

Ichigo: "...whatever, Ishida."

Renji: "HAHAHAHAHA! Kurosaki, you loser! You just got served by a Quincy!"

Rukia: "Renji, you idiot. Look what you've done!"

Renji: "Done what?"

Rukia: "That."

Ichigo: "RENJI, you STUPID pineapple-head! YOU'REthe one who wears a weird bandana that makes your face look even fatter than it is! What would YOU know about style?!"

Rukia: "I rest my case"

Orihime: "You really think so, Kurosaki-kun? I actually think Abarai-kun's bandana looks nice. What do you think, Sado-kun?"

Chad: "..."

Renji: "Yeah, Kurosaki-kun, listen to your girlfriend."

Ichigo and Orihime: "She's not... He's not... We're not—"

Renji: "You shouldn't deny love like that, you know. You should just let it—"

Ichigo: "OH, YEAH?! And what would someone like you know about stuff like that anyway, you over-grown ape! Unless... Oh. I get it now: you have someone special back home, don't you! Heh. It's obviously some poor soul who doesn't care about looks – or personality."

Renji: "YOU... YOU..."

Ichigo: "Hahahaha, I'm right, though, right? Hahahah—"

THUD! CRASH! Thud!

Ichigo: "You missed! And you call yourself a fukutaichou. Pff, how pathetic...!"

Orihime: "Um... Abarai-kun? Chair? Window? Glass?"

Renji: "Sorry, Inoue-san. But he started it."

Ichigo: "Did not."

Uryuu: "Don't worry, Inoue-san, I'll get that chair for you later. It can't have rolled too far down the street."

Orihime: "Oh, that's probably okay; I think people around here have gotten used to it by now. My neighbours have stopped asking questions, so it should be fine."

Ichigo: "Well, aren't you the perfect gentleman, eh, Four-Eyes?"

Uryuu: "Leave my glasses out of it, you diluted shadow of a Shinigami! I'll have you know that my glasses make me look intelligent, mature, and trustworthy – all which I am – unlike some people I know."

Ichigo: "...what did you call me?"

Renji: "HAHAHAHAHA! Kurosaki just got served by the Quincy AGAIN! Yeah! High-five, Quincy-boy!"

Uryuu: "..."

Renji: "Fine, be that way."

Ichigo: "Who got served now, eh, Renji-boy? Besides, he meant you, too."

Rukia: "You two are just so infuriating! Now, shut up and grow up, both of you! Renji, you're being ridiculous. Ichigo, don't provoke him."

Ichigo: "Don't interfere, midget."

Rukia: "I'm not a midget, you, you... You stupid orange..."

Renji and Uryuu: "Eh, Kurosaki? Maybe you should, uh, run."

Ichigo: "Heh. You were saying something, midget? You're so short that I couldn't hear ya—"

CRACK!

Ichigo: "Rukia! What the...? That's my face, you animal!"

Orihime: "Um, perhaps everyone should calm down a little bit before—"

Rukia: "Don't you dare call me an animal when you're the one who couldn't control his temper!"

Ichigo: "...could to."

Renji: "I say. That was quite the punch, Rukia. Have you been practising lately?"

Rukia: "Yeah. Isn't that right, Ichigo?"

Orihime: "You're not looking so good, Kurosaki-kun. I'll get you some ice for the swelling."

Ichigo: "Thanks, Inoue. It's great to know that at least someone cares."

Uryuu: "How adorable. Or not. Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?"

Renji: "Gotcha, Quincy. It must be looove. Kurosaki, when were you planning on making it official?"

Ichigo: "SHUT UP! There is nothing going on between me and... Oh, Inoue, thanks."

Orihime: "Think nothing of it, Kurosaki-kun. I just hope that you'll be okay."

Ichigo: "Uh, Inoue? This ice-pack sure looks and smells funny. It smells like... like...? Guys, what do you think?"

Sniff! Sniff! Sniff!

Uryuu: "I'd say fish. Yeah, it definitely smells like fish."

Chad: "..."

Rukia: "Doesn't it look like a fish, too? The shape, I mean. Except that it's frozen."

Chad: "..."

Orihime: "Yeah, it is. I didn't have any ice, so I took a bit of cod instead."

Chad: "..."

Ichigo: "Inoue...?"

Renji: "HAHA! I've always known that Ichigo's a fish-face. Ichigo, how does it feel like being so close up to a relative? HAHAHAH—shit, that hurt, Rukia!"

Rukia: "Don't laugh at him. It's not his fault that he'll reek of fish from now on. Oh, no! How am I going to sleep if I have to smell THAT!"

Ichigo: "Yeah, I wonder whose fault it really is that I'm holding a frozen fish filet to the side of my swollen, beat-up face?"

Uryuu: "ARGH! You... You Shinigami! Someone, PLEASE, get me out of here!"

Rukia: "Oh, just shut up, Ichigo. Do you want me to hit you again?"

Ichigo: "No. I'm good."

Rukia: "I thought so."

Chad: "..."

Silence

Orihime: "Oh, I know! Tea, anyone? Sado-kun?"

Chad: "..."

Orihime: "Okay, I'll go make you my special tea! Anyone else for my herbal infused curry and beetroot tea? Matsumoto-san really liked it last time she was over."

Everyone, except poor Chad: "No, we're good!"

Chad: "...!"

Ichigo: "I'm sorry, man."

Orihime: "In that case, you can have some of the cake I finished baking right before you came! It's an Orihime-special with all the trimmings! It's just to die for!"

Everyone: "Ehh..."

Orihime: "What is it?"

Everyone: "Nothing."

Terrified silence

Rukia: "Ummm, I'd really love to stay and have a bite, but—Hey, Ichigo, shouldn't we go and get that Hollow? Like, RIGHT NOW?"

Ichigo: "What are you talking about? I can't hear any beep—what the...? That hurt, Rukia! Oh. OH, OH YEAH! WOW, I'm such an idiot sometimes. Urahara sure got that, eh, new silencer to work, didn't he? Uh. Sorry, Inoue, but I'm afraid that Rukia and I've got to split. Now. See ya'll later, yeah! Save some, um, cake for us. Or not. It's probably too delicious to leave any leftovers, eh, guys? Well then, duty calls. Bye now. Take care!"

SLAM!

Orihime: "Oh well, that doesn't matter. I'll go and prepare the tea for Sado-kun. I'll be back before you can blink!"

Chad: "..."

Uryuu: "Kurosaki, you traitor! On my pride as a Quincy, I swear that I'll kill you for this."

Renji: "Quincy, whatcha say to a Quincy-Shinigami alliance? Pool our resources? Get to him faster?"

Uryuu: "Fine, provided it's only a one-time deal. I work alone."

Renji: "No problems, Quincy-boy."

Uryuu: "Don't. Call. Me. That."

Renji: "Oh, whatcha gonna do? Eh, pansy-boy?"

Uryuu: "You just watch me; my vocabulary is wider than yours... and I don't have deranged eyebrows."

Renji: "Sewing-sissy."

Uryuu: "Vacuous blockhead."

Renji: "Bedwetter Uryuu."

Uryuu: "Stop. What did you just call me?"

Renji: "Damn it, I'm starting to sound like that shorty-taichou! Oh man, this is bad…"

Silence

Renji: "This partnership ain't working, is it?"

Uryuu: "No, it is not."

Renji: "Whoever gets to the bastard first gets his head. How does that sound?"

Uryuu: "Acceptable."

Orihime: "Alright, the tea is almost done. So, who's for some yummy, delicious cake?"

TERRRIFIED SILENCE

Uryuu: "I-I-I'm so sorry, Inoue-san, but, uh, my father wouldn't approve."

Orihime: "...your father wouldn't approve of cake?"

Uryuu: "Yeah, he says that it, eh, that it would interfere with my training. Something to do with my aim, you know, something terribly technical."

Orihime: "Yeah, it sounds really complicated. Oh, that's a shame... But, Ishida-kun?"

Uryuu: "Y-Yeah, Inoue-san, w-what is it?"

Orihime: "I just didn't know that your father trained you. I thought that he didn't like your powers."

Uryuu: "W-Well, he didn't at first, but then he, eh, he changed his mind. Eh, me being his only son and all... You know how it is."

Orihime: "I'm so happy for you, Ishida-kun! But, you could still have a small slice, couldn't you? I'm sure that it wouldn't make that much of a difference, since you're so good at aiming already."

Uryuu: "It-it-it's nice that you think so, Inoue-san, b-but I really shouldn't. You see... um..."

Orihime: "Yes, Ishida-kun?"

Uryuu: "Oh, speaking of the devil, it seems like the old man wants to practise! Right now. I should probably go. Uh, father-son bonding time, you know. Can't be late for that! Eh, heh heh heh heh heh. Yeah, that's it."

Renji: "Is that so, Quincy-boy. I didn't hear anything. Did you, Inoue-san?"

Orihime: "I don't think so, Abarai-kun. Maybe Ishida-kun just heard wrong?"

Uryuu: "N-N-No, there's nothing wrong with my hearing. You just, uh, couldn't hear him, because you don't have my special Quincy sense. You know, eh, what links us Quincy together. I'm sure that Shinigami have that, too, right Renji? Oi, RENJI?"

Renji: "...huh, what? Quincy link? Shinigami link? What are you on about, Quincy? Oh. OH, OH YEAH. Yes. Yes, that's right! We do, and I can hear taichou calling me right now! 'What's that taichou? You want my ass back at the office right this second? Yessir, I'll leave immediately.' Sorry, seems like I have to go, that damned workaholic! He never lets me enjoy my days off."

Orihime: "Oh, that's alright. But you can take some cake with you, can't you? It'd keep you nice and happy, right Abarai-kun?"

Renji: "Oh gee, I wish I could, but, um, taichou would throw a fit and hand-feed me to a Hollow if he saw the crumbs. But, you know, I'm sure that Kuchiki-taichou would just love your cake, Inoue-san. Being a taichou and all, he, um, doesn't have to, ah, abide by his own, eh, rules. I'm sure he'd be more than happy if you gave him a piece."

Orihime: "You really think so, Abarai-kun? Okay, then! I'll just go and cut him a big slice. I'll be back in a second."

Renji: "That was too damn close. I owe you for this."

Uryuu: "Please, don't mention it. Ever."

Awkward silence

Uryuu: "Renji, do you think that's wise, giving Kuchiki-taichou Orihime's cooking? She's a sweet girl and she tries really hard, but she doesn't have any taste-buds or common sense."

Renji: "Yeah, I know. Only Matsumoto-san has eaten an entire meal and survived. Heh. But what's up with your stuttering, man? You like her or something?"

Uryuu: "Grow up! I just don't like lying, that's all, especially not to someone as innocent as Orihime. It's so easy that it almost hurts. I feel bad, alright?"

Renji: "My, my, aren't you an honourable Quincy, Quincy-boy."

Uryuu: "Don't call me that. Besides, who is it that's planning to kill his superior with a possibly lethal dose of cake?"

Renji: "Hahaha, I've been waiting to get back at that smug bastard ever since the execution thing. This is going to be perfect."

Uryuu: "It's your life, I couldn't care less. But tell me how it all turns out, okay?"

Renji: "Sure thing, if I'll live to tell the tale. This is going to be interesting and probably pretty painful. But at least I'll survive this, right?"

Chad: "...!"

Renji: "Shit, I'm sorry, man."

Orihime: "Here you go, Abarai-kun, it's wrapped nice and tight. Say 'hi' to Kuchiki-taichou for me!"

Renji: "Will do, Inoue- san, and sorry about the window, vase, glass figure-thingies, bookcase, mat, chair and window again."

Orihime: "Oh, don't worry about it, Abarai-kun. It's not a big deal. Bye, Abarai-kun. Bye, Ishida-kun!"

SLAM!

Orihime: "So, Sado-kun, it's only you and me left. But that's okay, more tea and cake for us! Now, here's your tea and here's your cake! Enjoy!"

Chad: "..."

Orihime: "Oh, Sado-kun, I told you that you'd like it! I'm so happy! Have some more!"

Chad: "..."

A bit later, back in Soul Society...

"Abarai! ABARAI! Get in here, immediately!"

"S-s-sir? What's the ma—"

"What exactly was that thing you left on my desk earlier?"

"Cake, taichou. I got it in the Living World."

"Abarai, are you trying to kill me? You finally realized that you can't possibly hope to ever defeat me in battle, so you're planning on slowly poison me into submission, is that it?"

"No, taichou, it was meant as a gift. Kind of."

"Abarai-fukutaichou, be honest for once!"

"Well, eh, the thought might have briefly crossed my mind... You know how it is, right taichou? Uh, taichou? Why are you—"

"Scatter, Senbonzakura."

A bit later still, after the screams coming from the 6th Division finally died out and peace once again had settled over Soul Society...

"RENJI, you idiot! What did you do to Nii-sama?"

"Rukia? What are you doing here? I thought you still were in the Livi—"

CRACK!

"What the...? For fuck's sake, Rukia, that hurt!"

Yet a bit later, back in the Living World, in Kurosaki Ichigo's bedroom...

"Huh? Chad? Hey. What are you doing in my room in the middle of the night, man?"

"..."

"—Chad? Damn, you don't look so good... What happened?"

"..."

"Oh. God. Inoue."

"..."

"You didn't get away, did you? You ate it. You ate it all!"

"..."

"Chad? Why are you...? Chad! What the hell, it was every man for himself back there! It was brutal, but it was nothing I could have done! Come on, it can't have been that bad."

"..."

"...right?"

"..."

"Oh. No. Chad? CHAD? People are sleeping in the house, okay? Come on, man, the midget's back home, but my sisters are still here! Remember Yuzu and Karin? They need their beauty sleep and stuff. You know how girls are, so let's not wake them up, okay? Chad? CHAD?"

BOOM!

"Chad! For fuck's sake, man! That hurt!"