The Misadventures of Goosefart

By Egglestrum

Chapter One

"Uwau." Goosekit mewed as the blinding light of the world hit his eyes as he opened them for the very first time. When his eyes recovered, he scanned his surroundings. He saw that he was inside a large den made of reeds and woven sticks. There were other small cats beside him, and his mother, Flappaflap, lying next to them in a mossy nest.

"You've opened your eyes!" Flappaflap exclaimed, lifting her head to look at her absolutely perfect son.

"Yes, mother, I have. Now peel me a grape." Goosekit commanded in an incredibly manly voice.

"Er, what's a grape?" Flappaflap asked, looking confusedly at her son.

"Foolish mortal! I'll show you the true meaning of a grape!" Goosekit boomed, floating into the air.

"Ah! What are you doing, my son?" Flappaflap asked him, leaping to her feet and stumbling backwards.

"Uh, mew?" He squeaked cutely, falling back to the ground.

His mother's gaze softened and she padded back over to lay beside him, "That's my perfect, amazing, strong, healthy, not murderous kit!"

It's all going according to plan. I just need to win the trust of these cats, and then my true plan can take place! Goosekit thought evilly, licking his lips at the thought of killing his whole clan.

"Hey, Goosekit!" Squeaked a voice from a tail-length away. He turned to see his brother, Dirtkit, and his sister, Failurekit dashing towards him. They piled on top of him, but he blew them off with his amazing psychic powers. They both flew back into the walls of the nursery and died.

"Mwahaha! Take that, you peasants!" Goosekit crowed. He suddenly remembered that the clan leader wouldn't like that he killed his siblings, so he covered up the evidence by throwing a magical potion of invisibility on their dead bodies, then stomping on them for effect.

"Eh? Did something happen?" Flappaflap meowed, lifting her head.

"No, mother, of course not!" Goosekit said. He darted over to her and dropped a conveniently placed anvil on her head to clear her memory, then used his healing powers to bring back her recently crushed skull.

"Oh, that's good to hear. How about you go on your first trip out of the nursery?" Flappaflap suggested.

"That sounds like an amusing experience." Goosekit replied. He padded over to the entrance and blew up the whole wall with his explosive fire breath. The newly made gigantic hole revealed the camp to Goosekit. It was a giant duck with a hole carved out of its back, and smaller holes on every side that were used a dens. There were many cats roaming the camp, some purple, some green, some pink, and some were blue.

"Hello, Mrshclan!" Goosekit called over the cats. Goosekit was one of the newest kits of Mrshclan, but he was by far the most powerful and intelligent cat in all the world.

"Is that Goosekit?" A cat too unimportant to be named asked.

"I think it is!" Another useless side character mewed.

"Yes, peasants, it is I, your new leader!" Goosekit yowled. All the cats started shouting their approval and bowing to Goosekit. He stood tall before the clan he was soon to lead, looking down on his cats.

"Have you forgotten who your true leader is?" Asked a voice from behind Goosekit. Goosekit turned around and saw the leader of Mrshclan, Starstar, looking angry.

"No, but to be honest we don't really care." A cat mewed.

"This cat has the head of a goose!" Starstar pointed out.

What? That's impossible! Goosekit thought. He sprinted over to a puddle and looked in. Sure enough, he saw not the head of a cat, but of a goose. Of course, this made no difference as to how awesome and manly he was.

"Well your name is the same suffix and prefix put together!" Goosekit retorted, whipping back around to Starstar.

"Well stars create oxygen!" Starstar yowled.

No! Not oxygen! Oh, wait, stars don't create oxygen! Goosekit thought.

"Yeah, looks like I've got you there!" Starstar crowed, looking mockingly at the far more amazing and awesome Goosekit.

"No…" Goosekit muttered, "I will never be defeated by the likes of you…" He slowly raised his head to look at the leader.

"Ha! The likes of me? I'm your clan leader, and I can do whatever I want!" Starstar chirped, looking triumphant.

"Nope." Goosekit said. He fired a yellow beam from his tail and turned the inferior Starstar into a bagel.

"Oh, well." Shrugged an unimportant cat. The whole of Mrshclan then rushed forward to devour their bagel-leader.

Finally… after all of a few days… I can finally take over this puny clan! Goosekit thought. He looked at the large group of unnamed, boring cats that now ate their used-to-be leader. They were all complete idiots, but he would soon whip them into shape- by giving them loads of steroids of course.

~~/0\~~

About forty-one days later, Goosekit had made next to no progress. His new pupils refused to develop psychic powers, and for some weird reason, they didn't like being injected with who-knows-what every thirty minutes.

"Alright ya pieces of KARP! We're starting a much more intense training regimen from this day forth!" Goosefart boomed over the crowd. In the amount of time it had taken him to get absolutely nothing done, He had made himself into the warrior Goosefart. He chose not to give himself the suffix of 'star', as to not be compared to that failure, Starstar.

"Really, Goosefart? We're all almost dead already, and many of us have died from the strange substances you inject us with so often!" A cat meowed at his leader.

"I read in a magazine I found on the thunderpath that it would give you magical powers, so I assumed it would work. As it turns out, it's actually poison, but it's fun to watch you die, so I'm going to keep giving it to you.

"Oh, isn't that just wonderful." Groaned a cat, rolling their eyes.

Goosefart levitated into the air and summoned clouds to darken the sky, "You dare mock my methods? They will save your life one day, er, they also might kill you, but THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT!"

The cats of Mrshclan shrank back, "We're sorry, sir!"

"Good," Goosefart said, "There's conveniently a gathering tonight, and I don't really give a crap who goes, so come with me if you want to."

"Thank you, sir!" The clan agreed.

Later that night at the gathering, Goosefart finally met the leaders of the other clans. Moonstar of Protagonistclan, Jerkfacestar of Antagonistclan, and Dishwasherstar of Applianceclan.

"You look like you're just out of the nursery, and you have a goose head!" Jerkfacestar insulted Goosefart.

"Yes, I technically am just out of the nursery, and I have the head of a goose, but I am the ruler of this forest, and you will bow down to me." Goosefart replied, keeping his cool.

"Jerkfacestar! That isn't nice, apologize right now!" Moonstar wailed.

"Hey! You just called me a jerk face!" Jerkfacestar retorted, looking angry.

"RRRRRRRGGGGG!" Dishwasherstar mewed.

"Dishwasherstar is right." Goosefart said omnipotently.

"Yes, we shall all bow down!" Moonstar exclaimed, crouching down to bow to Dishwasherstar. Jerkfacestar bowed down as well.

No! They're bowing down to someone other than me! What have I done?

Then, in his furious fit of rage, Goosefart unleashed his inner power by looking like a chicken. This was so hideous that all of the other leaders instantly died, leaving Goosefart to rule the forest, and soon the rest of the world.

The End!

Or not… There might be a book 2!