Written by popular demand, indeed!
I had the most awful writers block on this story until Kibble Beast gave me an idea, like she always tends to do. Thanks! :D
Of course, I own nothing. Kinda wish I owned at least Jazz, though. That would make my life. Unfortunately this is not the case. -_-
"No, Mr. Bay, I don't know who told them you were casting a new female character…yes, I know that isn't true…no, I didn't send them as a prank…" Optimus winced as he heard a crash through the phone, followed by several high pitched screams and a despairing yell before the line went dead. "…Okay, that was odd," he said, putting the phone back on the receiver and shrugging.
"What was that all about?" Jazz asked, skidding into the room and crashing into the opposite wall. The shelves collapsed around him.
Optimus rolled his optics and replied, "I guess someone sent a mob of fangirls to Michael Bay. He's…less than pleased."
"Oh." Jazz shrugged and got up, brushing twisted metal off himself.
"And what in the name of Primus are you doing, Jazz?" Optimus asked his First Lieutenant, exasperated. Said mech skidded across the floor once again, only to crash. Again.
"I'm practicing my dramatic entrance. Its too boring to just walk into a room. I wanna thrust myself in and make a statement of Awesomeness!" Jazz said proudly as he stood, placing hands on his hips and puffing out his chest importantly. "Because I'm awesome, you know," he added brightly.
Optimus yawned and shook his head. He had to wonder about Jazz's mental health. "…Just don't crash near Ratchet. He's pretty touchy with you still after almost dying and all, even though he did manage to bring about your resurrection easily enough." Optimus yawned again. "Anyway, I'm going to recharge."
Two hours later, Optimus was roused from his peaceful recharge by a loud bang and a screeching noise. "That better not be Jazz and his "awesomeness" practice…" he thought, grudgingly getting off his comfy berth and shuffling to his door to find out what happened. Still half in recharge, Optimus opened his door, only to quickly shutter his optics from the bright light, and cover his audio sensors from the loud screams.
Wait…screams?
Optimus's optics shot open, and not a moment too soon. Fangirls swarmed the entire area, climbing over each other to get to the Autobot leader. "What the…holy Primus! They're everywhere!" he thought frantically, looking for a way to escape.
Luckily the few moments of their excited shock were all Optimus needed to spring into action. He quickly dove to the left, somersaulted and leapt back up, surging around the corner, leaving his fangirls far behind him.
"This is the first time I've ever been thankful for all those battles with Megatron…" Optimus muttered to himself, diving into the medbay to hide. "Thank Primus my reflexes still work…"
"That's more than you can say for Bumblebee," Ratchet said, half amused, half annoyed.
Optimus looked over at his medic, amazed at how calm he was compared to his own heightened ventilation rate. Their base was invaded, for Primus's sake! With human females! "Where's Red Alert when you need him…" Optimus thought, wishing the security bot was on Earth.
"He was in here for work on his vocal processor when they discovered him," Ratchet continued, gesturing towards the giggling pile of fangirls in the center of the room. "First he tried to jump and hold onto the ceiling light. It fell and crashed under his weight, and instantly those fangirls were on top of him, squealing."
Optimus then realized that was the noise that woke him from his recharge…poor mech. He stared openly at the pile of fangirls, and sure enough, every so often he cold make out a glimpse of yellow metal or a mechanical wail.
Ratchet watched his commander slowly sink to the floor, vents still working overtime. "I take it you've found your own fangirls too?"
Optimus nodded once.
"Ah, I have as well," Ratchet replied. "They're swarming over my medical equipment now, either to steal them, play with them, or some other reason, I don't know." Optimus could see the slight twitching of his optics. He hated when his instruments were messed with. "At the very least they're keeping their distance from me," he went on, forcibly calming himself down. Optimus then noticed a large wrench in Ratchet's hand. When he gave his CMO a questioning look, Ratchet explained, "They seem to believe that I throw anger tantrums and create devastatingly-accurate projectiles out of random pieces of equipment lying around, namely wrenches. I don't know how they got the idea, but if it's keeping them away, I'll play along for now." Ratchet wielded his wrench threateningly, and the fangirls that started to get too close backed off.
Optimus chuckled. "You, throw tantrums? That's something I'd like to see," he mentioned quietly, still amused. "You can be grumpy sometimes but I've never seen you let loose. You're really much more of a pacifist bot."
"Just don't let them know that," Ratchet muttered.
Optimus returned his attention to Bumblebee. "Is there any way you can help him?"
"Nope."
"Can't you just grab him or something?"
Ratchet gave his leader an incredulous look. "And risk getting dragged into that chaos? Nooo thank you. Why don't you go for him?"
"Same reason."
Ironhide was returning from his mid-afternoon target practice, thoroughly pleased that his cannons worked just as well since his early morning, mid morning, and late morning practices. All was well with the world.
That is, until his sensors started going haywire.
Ironhide was immediately on edge, spinning around to find the threat.
His optics widened as he recognized the many small forms before him.
"Not them," he groaned, stepping back. The fangirls followed, mesmerized by the sight of Ironhide brandishing his cannons.
"I wonder how much trouble I'd get into with Prime if I used my cannons on them…" the Weapons Specialist thought. "…a lot," he decided, thinking it over while slowly stepping backwards at the same time. "But that doesn't mean I can't threaten them with these babies…"
Ironhide quickly took a defensive pose and charged up his cannons like he was preparing to fire, aiming them at the throng of fangirls squealing at the use of his most precious possessions.
"Back off," he growled, leaning forward menacingly. "I'm not afraid to use these."
The giggling and squealing paused for a moment, followed by every fangirl pulling out a fully-functioning cannon of their own, grinning wickedly up at the black mech.
Ironhide ran for it.
"Is it safe?" Optimus asked his CMO.
Ratchet pulled his head back into the medbay. "I don't see them anywhere out there, Optimus. The hallway's clear."
Optimus sighed in relief. "I should go check on the others to make sure they're alright. They're not answering their coms." He glanced at Bumblebee one last time, still buried beneath the mass of fangirls. He shook his head before bravely heading back out into the open. The yellow scout would have to find his own way out of that mess.
"Good luck with your fangirls, Ratchet," Optimus called over his shoulder.
"I have a feeling you'll need it more than I will," Ratchet replied, watching Optimus head down the hall.
The Prime stopped. "What makes you say that?" he asked, turning around.
"They found you."
Optimus looked down and almost yelped in surprise. They surrounded him in an instant, and he didn't even sense them!
"Oh…um…crap…" he said, trying to figure out a way to escape again.
His thoughts were interrupted with Jazz gracefully swerving around the corner and spinning to a stop, striking his pose of Awesomeness.
"How'd you all like that?" he asked eagerly.
"It was awesome!" a chorus of excited fangirls answered.
"You really think so?"
"Yeah!"
"Awesome!" Jazz stated, looking very proud of himself and the Awesomeness he portrayed.
"What are you gonna Awesome-ify next?"
Jazz stroked his chin thoughtfully. "I'm not sure. Any suggestions of Awesomeness?"
"The roof!" someone yelled.
"Yeah! Jump off the roof!"
"Hm, that would be pretty awesome…" Jazz said, grinning. "Onward for the Awesomeness!" Jazz stated, bounding around the corner with extra amounts of Awesome.
"For the Awesomeness!" the fangirls echoed, following him to the roof.
Optimus raised one optic ridge, mentally noting to make sure Ratchet ran a full diagnostic on Jazz's processors. He returned his attention to the ocean of quiet giggles and murmurs that surrounded him.
"Um…hi…"
The fangirls immediately exploded into squeals of excitement.
"What a sexy voice!"
"So deep and heroic!"
Optimus blinked a few times. "You're…not going to tackle me, are you?"
"Only if you want us to!"
"No, no," Optimus said quickly. "That's alright."
"Okay!"
"Um…could you--"
"Yes!" came the unanimous reply from his fangirls.
"…wait. What?" Optimus was utterly confused.
"We'll do anything you say!"
"Just as long as you don't lose your sexy voice!"
"We could never disobey such mesmerizing tones!"
"Oh…" Optimus said stupidly. "Well, um, I'd really like to walk now…"
"Move, people! Clear him a path!"
An opening quickly appeared for the commander to walk through with ease. "…Thank you…?"
"You're welcome!"
Still befuddled with his newfound discovery, Optimus went on to look for Ironhide. It didn't take long to find him…the cannon blasts gave his position away.
"Prime! Help me!" Ironhide pleaded as he ran past Optimus at full speed, blasting everything that got in his way of escape. His fangirls were on his heels, brandishing cannons of their own.
Before Optimus could do anything to help, he was commed by Ratchet.
//Optimus, I have a problem.//
//What is it, Ratchet? Is everything okay?//
//They're starting to realize I haven't thrown anything at them yet,// Ratchet replied, a little nervously. //I don't know how much longer I can keep them off of me.//
//Hold on,// Optimus replied. //Ironhide's coming through again, and he's got fangirl issues of his own.//
Optimus heard a loud crash on the other end of the com link, much like a large metal object hitting the floor with considerable speed. //Don't worry, I'm not aiming for them,// Ratchet said. //But I'm running out of wrenches to throw!//
Before Optimus could reply, he was interrupted by Ironhide barreling down the corridor, blasting away. A stray cannon blast hit the ceiling right above Optimus. The roof buckled and collapsed as Jazz was conveniently standing in that exact spot, and the saboteur landed on Optimus with an almighty crash.
"That was so awesome!" Jazz's fangirls squeaked from the roof.
"Yeah…" Jazz said groggily, holding his head and sitting up. "It felt pretty awesome…"
"I'm sure it would feel even more awesome if you would get off of me," Optimus rasped.
"Woah, Optimus! What the frag happened to your voice?" Jazz asked, leaping off his commander with Awesomeness.
"It must have been damaged when you ever so gracefully landed on me."
"With Awesomeness," Jazz added.
The surrounding Optimus fangirls gasped.
"The voice! It's gone!"
"No! Not the voice! It can't be true!"
"He's not Optimus without the voice!"
"He sounds like the Generation One Megatron!" one fangirl wailed.
Optimus tried to back away from the furious riot that was quickly forming, taking note of the entire situation. Bumblebee was still buried beneath a hoard of fangirls in the medbay, Ratchet was being cornered, Ironhide was being chased, and Jazz was being encouraged to attempt his "stunts of Awesomeness." Optimus sighed. Desperate times called for desperate measures.
//Megatron,// the Autobot leader commed. //Do you read me?//
//Prime? Is that you? What the frag happened to your voice? Are you making fun of me?!?//
//No, no! It's just damaged.//
//How'd you manage that one? Thrust yourself straight into impending DOOM again? I'm surprised you haven't needed a resurrection lately,// Megatron sniggered.
//I'm not the only one who's needed a resurrection or two,// Optimus answered flatly. //But listen. I need your help.//
//HA!// Megatron bellowed. //Why would I help the Autobots?//
//We have a fangirl problem.//
//Sweet Primus! Why didn't you say so?!?//
//…You mean you'll actually help us?// Optimus asked. He was expecting to have to plead a bit more to get assistance.
//Of course! I wouldn't wish a fangirl invasion on anyone. We had our own problem just yesterday over here,// Megatron replied. //I'll get Barricade. He'll know what to do.// Elevator music played across the com link as Megatron fetched Barricade. Optimus impatiently tapped his fingers on the floor, wishing he would hurry.
//So I hear you have a fangirl problem,// the cop car stated cooly after a moment.
//Obviously,// Optimus growled.
//Jeez, Prime! What the slag did you do to your voice? Did you lose a bet or something?// Barricade snorted.
//Not now, Barricade! We need a way to get out of this mess!//
//Okay, okay! Cool your cannons!// Barricade said. //Well, lets see…I thrust our fangirls off to Michael Bay…//
//Wait, that was you?// Optimus asked angrily. //Michael Bay thought it was me!//
Barricade chuckled and said, //I'm a genius, aren't I?//
//I've yet to see a reason why you are,// Optimus retorted.
//Are you gonna yell at me for some poor fleshling's fate, or are you gonna listen to the plan I have for you?//
Optimus mumbled something inaudible before replying. //What do I have to do?//
Optimus sighed happily. His voice was back to normal, and Bumblebee, Ironhide, and (especially) Jazz were getting checkups from Ratchet. Not a fangirl remained on the base.
"You never told us, Optimus, what was Barricade's idea?" Ratchet asked, running a diagnostic on Ironhide's cannons.
The Prime smiled and leaned back in his chair. "I must admit, it was a pretty ingenious move."
"Come onnnn, Optimus! Tell us!!" Jazz whined….with Awesomeness.
Ratchet whacked the saboteur in the head. "You don't get privileges to talk after those stunts you pulled! You're lucky you didn't offline because I won't resurrect you again."
Jazz pouted. Awesomely.
Optimus smiled even wider before replying. "They were sent to argue over which side is better with the Decepticon fangirls. They won't be back here anytime soon."
"Slag, that's crafty."
"I do feel kinda bad for Michael Bay though."
"Why?"
"The Decepticon fangirls were still invading his office when our fangirls found them."
Somewhere in a distant city, a lone director disappeared beneath a sea of vicious, snarling fangirls with a desperate wail.
Ah. Finally managed to get this one up. It makes me feel pretty good. :)
Any and all questions you may have, please don't hesitate to ask me! I'll answer them the best I can.
Reviews would be much appreciated!