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Tea…
All of time and space Missy had said and so far all Osgood had experienced was the monotonous minutia of making tea.
A PHD in Chemical Engineering, three years of experience at UNIT and she was the damn tea girl.
When she had initially chosen to travel time and space at the side of The Mistress and not The Doctor Osgood had been concerned about the morally questionable situations she might find herself embroiled in, a natural reaction when living and traveling with a psychopath. She had expected everything from murder to mayhem, everything but not boredom…not for The Mistress to disappear into the bowels of her Tardis and remain there for what seemed like weeks whilst they floated in the vortex.
Time spent exploring the Tardis with only Seb for company, the scientist in her was equally thrilled and frustrated by the Tardis and her own inability to make sense of the Gallifrayan language. Although there were moments of amusement for her; mainly around teaching Seb how to do the things that grown humans took for granted, how to use cutlery, the need to clean yourself and your clothes, even the actual necessity to eat unless you enjoyed going all wobbly and passing out. The former A.I. caught on quickly, he had clearly been studying humans for long enough but there was a distinct difference between theory and reality and Osgood would forever treasure the few occasions when that look of smug superiority that Seb generally wore around her slipped and he was almost tolerable. Still Osgood couldn't wait for something else to happen.
Resisting the urge to throw the beautiful hand painted porcelain teapot against the kitchen wall Osgood carefully went through step two of Missy's meticulous tea making instructions…warming the pot…Honestly only The Mistress would have rules around tea, numbered rules, printed rules, laminated rules, rules pinned up on the kitchen notice board; like Osgood was some sort of idiot who couldn't remember the steps without a daily reminder.
At first she had rebelled, had taking immense pleasure in swapping them around, or even when she was feeling particularly daring skipping a step altogether. Yet every time Missy had somehow known. She would take a look at the tea cup like its presence had offended her and Osgood had quickly learnt to duck when that immaculately shaped eyebrow would quirk, the first two times of having the scalding contents flung had taught her that much.
So now she just followed the rules.
Step three measuring out the tea leaves, one for Seb, two for The Mistress and one for herself. Adding these into the warmed tea pot Osgood could only wonder what the team at UNIT would be doing now. Perhaps there had been an alien invasion…maybe some alien tech had made its way onto the open market again?
Sighing wistfully Osgood poured the once boiled water into the warmed pot and set the timer before hastily assembling the tea tray. The delicate porcelain cup and saucer with flowers on was Missy's and other than to fill it or wash it no one was allowed to touch it or it's five brothers and sisters lest their grubby ape fingers rub away any of the decoration. Seb's cup was next, a simple metal cup all sleak lines and lastly Osgood's own, the lasting reminder of Missy's perverse childish sense of humour which Osgood had decided to ignore, to rise above.
Yet deep down Osgood couldn't deny that it irked her every time The Mistress caught sight of it and smirked. She already had everyday reminders of the fact that was on the lowest rung of the Tardis ladder, she didn't need an additional one in a branded tea drinking chimp mug from the 1980's. The only thing that stopped her from smashing the damn mug into a zillion pieces was the knowledge that without it she wouldn't be allowed to drink the tea she made.
Resisting the urge to slam the offending item down on the tray Osgood quickly added the little cup of milk, the sliced lemon and the large pot of sugar. She had given up trying to second guess how many sugars Missy would want in her tea as it seemed to vary each time and now Osgood planned for all possibilities. Tea strainer check…and then the last step.
Shuddering out of affront to good taste Osgood retrieved the tea cosy, wincing at the bright ugly clashing colours she quickly wrangled the slightly too small cosy half over the teapot. Given the choice that ugly monstrosity, one that would be rejected from any bring and buy sale, would join her mug in the waste extractor. Yet as fed up as she was with her current situation even Osgood wasn't suicidal.
After all The Mistress had knitted it.
Even now the memory of Missy prancing into the kitchen knitting needles still in hand, waving that ugly monstrosity of a tea cosy under her nose still brought Osgood out in a cold sweat. There was something particularly terrifying about The Mistress and sharp pointy objects. So it had seemed a good idea at the time to swallow down her disgust and force out a few words of praise and encouragement. After all whilst she was knitting or trying her hand at the traditional womanly arts, as listed in her Edwardian Housewife's companion, Missy wasn't blowing up planets or plotting Osgood's untimely death.
The timer's ring sounded and Osgood placed the now perfectly stewed tea down on the tray, picking up the tray and turning around only to find herself nose to nose with Missy who was looking far too pleased with herself as Osgood practically jumped out of her skin causing the contents of the tea tray to rattle ominously.
"Missy!" Osgood squeaked, dark brown eyes wide with fear as The Mistress lifted a palm held device up….a suspiciously familiar looking palm held device and moved to depress the button.
Osgood only had a moment to process her imminent death; unable to work out just what had triggered this outburst, had she forgotten some critical tea brewing step? Yet the excruciating burn of having her molecules disintegrated never occurred, instead the little device gave a pathetic little phuft and wisps of smoke began to seep out of the casing.
"Oh bugger." Missy huffed, a pout twisting up her scarlet painted lips. "I really thought adapting that Sontaran oscillator would suffice …oh well there really is nothing else for it we'll have to go shopping after all."
"Did you just try to kill me in order to test out your new device?" Osgood demanded her voice tight and clipped as she tried to keep a handle on her temper.
"Oh now don't sulk Skip, it's nothing personal I assure you but it has to be tested on organic matter."
"So use an orange or an apple or anything but not your companion!" Osgood spluttered yet Missy continued to stare at her blankly as though she were speaking double Dutch and not English.
"You cannot simple use me as your test dummy whenever you feel like it!" Osgood added before her mind stumbled on the only argument that might carry any weight and thus increase her survival prospects significantly. "I mean how do you think that conversation would go with The Doctor when you bump into him? Oh sorry Doctor I sort of accidentally disintegrated Osgood again!"
Snorting as her little ape's amusing attempt at manipulation Missy couldn't resist the urge to reach out and pat her pet's head. "Oh Skip I'd simply tell him I lost you, although with the rate he burns through companions I really don't think he can talk. However if it really upsets you next time I will find another test dummy."
Yes the prospect of dying again does upset me funnily enough, Osgood added mentally trying to flinch from Missy's overfamiliar behaviour, choosing to pick her battles. It was useless after all to suggest that Missy avoid disintegrating people just to test her inventions worked. Instead she chose to focus on the other snippet of information Missy had disclosed…"Shopping… "
"You mean we're finally going to go somewhere?" Osgood couldn't contain the squeak of excitement, not caring even when it earned her a patronising smirk from Missy.
"Not earth?" Osgood clarified, she had learnt quickly that The Mistress loved misdirection and savoured the confusion of others as they struggled to keep up with her.
"Well of course not." Missy tutted, rolling her eyes at the thought that what she needed could be found on that backwater of a planet.
"And when you say shopping you don't mean for clothes do you because…"
"You know for someone so keen to travel in time and space you certainly do complain a lot." Missy remarked turning on her heel, slipping her still smoking device into one of her folded space pockets as she led an eager Osgood back into the control room.
There the timelady began to plot in their coordinates, pausing only to cuff a snoozing Seb around the ear for daring to put his feet up on the control panel as he snoozed in the jump seat. Honestly give him an ape body and suddenly he loses all the manners she had spent all those minutes carefully programming; at least Skip had the excuse of having been born into the bottom feeder human race, Seb had no such excuse.
"Wha…Oh Sorry Mistress." Seb recovered quickly, smoothing down his slightly rumpled suit as he rose from his impromptu nap, yet he could feel the burn of embarrassment in his ears which as yet he still failed to control. The human body was simply not as straightforward as he had anticipated. Blushing, sleeping, eating, it had been a whole new world for him and that was ignoring the other less than pleasant attributes of operating a physical being. There were moments when Seb almost longed for the simpler days of the Nethersphere.
Feeling emotion was one areas he was still trying to process, his programming hadn't prepared him for the physical ramifications of emotions and Seb half the time still wasn't sure if this twisting in his stomach was because he was embarrassed or because he had forgotten to eat again. That his humiliation had witnesses was only making things worse…or one particular witness Seb scowled shooting Osgood a dirty look when she had the nerve to smile at him.
Yet Seb needn't have worried Osgood was far too distracted by the prospect of her first proper trip anywhere to savour his blushes. This was it, her first proper alien planet and Osgood had to dig her bitten jagged fingernails into her palms in an effort to restrain her excitement. Yet clearly her enthusiasm was still too easy to read if the sneer Seb shot her from across the Tardis console was any indicator but Osgood refused to allow him to spoil this for her. It had been far too long in coming.
A completely different planet… Rassilon's little asteroid base didn't count in Osgood's opinion and besides it wasn't like she had gotten to look around being that she was so focused on not dying at the time.
Tugging on the bottom of her corduroy jacket, one of the few items of her clothing that had made it onto the Tardis having eventually passed the combined scrutiny of both Missy and Seb, and therefore one of a only a few items of clothing she was permitted to wear in their presence. Osgood immediately fell into step behind The Mistress as she picked up her umbrella and made her way towards the Tardis doors.
"Allons-y." Osgood couldn't stop the excited little quip from bubbling out from between her lips.
"Skip if I ever hear that particular phrase from you ever again I shall take great delight in relieving you of the use of your tongue." Missy replied evenly, her pleasant tone belaying the very real threat that lay beneath. "The same goes for Geronimo or any other such ridiculous phrases."
Biting down on said tongue Osgood could only nod, already craning her neck as the door was opened. It was beautiful; the sky was a reddish orange beyond the shimmer of a glass dome and was that…two suns? Osgood couldn't contain her little squeal of excitement as she tried to take in everything at once. In the distance tall glittering buildings towered up into the sky, the distant sound of water and the smell of something completely alien.
"Could you try and act less like a tourist?" Seb snarked. "Honestly it's embarrassing, people are looking."
"Now now Seb cut Skip a little slack." Missy chastised him lightly, turning her glare on the few people who had paused to observe their unusual little group, before pausing to savour her latest pet's excitement.
"Where exactly are we?" Osgood demanded, head whipping backwards and forwards to avoid missing anything.
"Aquila, named after the constellation, a hunk of rock orbiting the star Tarazed, first colonised in 2352 by a mining corporation for the heavy atmospheric gases. The colony was almost abandoned in 2401 until the rejuvenating properties of its natural mud baths were discovered. Apparently not only are they excellent for the skin but they have almost mood altering properties, meant to suck all of the stress and negative energy right out of you. So now the wealthy and elite of the galaxy flock here and as a result there is an excellent traders market."
Frowning slightly Osgood tried to keep up with all the information Missy was shooting at her, falling into step beside the timelady as she began to cross one of the large metal walkways that separated the landing docks from the main body of the city.
"It's an alien spa planet?" She asked lip curling slightly in disgust.
Osgood had only been a spa once, her sister's hen do, and once had been enough. Now there mere thought of a spa brought her out in a cold sweat, taking her clothes off in public and showing other people her wobbly bits, aka her sister Stacie's perfect friends with their tanned, waxed and toned bikini bodies. Even now Osgood was still sure Stacie had only invited her out of obligation and because the opportunity to humiliate her brainy boring sister was simply too good to pass up.
"You could always go and wait in the Tardis?" Missy sang softly, blue eyes glinting with barely repressed irritation.
"No! Sorry it's beautiful." Osgood backpedalled sharply pushing her replacement glasses back up her nose. "Thank you…Besides it's not like we will be going to the spa will we?"
"I hadn't intended to." Misssy retorted, bright blue eyes flicking impatiently over the line of people waiting to have their identification checked by the city police, the gem of a naughty idea taking seed.
"Although now you mention it…" She trailed off savouring the look of horrified panic that seemed to overtake her pet's face. Well that settled it then and wide grin slowly spread across Missy's face.
"Do you fancy a little trip to the spa Seb after we've finished our shopping?" Missy asked innocently pleased when Seb quickly picked up on the fact this was one of the times when the question was rhetorical and his input really wasn't required.
"No please Missy…I'll go wait in the Tardis after all." Osgood offered yet the clamping of the time lady's hand about her arm put paid to any quick escape and Osgood found herself being half dragged half pushed along between Missy and Seb.
"Oh but you cannot miss this Skip as your tour guide to all of time and space I simply insist."
"But I left tea in the pot and you know how you hate it when it's left to stain." Osgood tried again.
"Now don't worry about that Skip there will be plenty of time for the washing up when we get back." Missy teased.
"But we didn't bring any bathing suits…"
"Oh we won't be needing one." Missy gloated reaching out and tucking a stray lock of hair behind Skip's ear as she allowed her gaze to drag down and then back up her companion suggestively. "If I remember rightly all clothing is banned anyway because it would interfere with the psychic properties of the mud baths."
Closing her eyes in horror and defeat Osgood could feel her cheeks burning, great not merely a spa but a naked spa. "Please tell me they at least have alcohol." She whimpered, feeling the warmth of Missy's breath on her face as the time lady laughed and leant forward to whisper in her ear.
"Now that would be something worth seeing Skip and perhaps I'll also discover if you turn that pretty shade of red all over your body when I'm nearby."
"On second thoughts no alcohol!" Osgood insisted flustered and unable to meet Missy's gaze, this time not even bothering to put upon even a token resistance as she was propelled forward.
The Mistress would do whatever she wanted with or without Osgood's approval and Osgood could feel her skin squirm in anticipation at the inevitable humiliation that she just knew would be heading her way….suddenly being stuck on the Tardis making tea no longer seemed like such a terrible fate after all.
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