Mr. and Mrs. Smith

Well, as you can probably guess from the title, this story was mostly inspired by the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith, that campy Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie movie that came out a few years ago. I haven't seen the movie in ages (actually, I don't think I ever even finished…watching it…), but I think it has the same basic premise: two in-love secret agents commissioned to kill each other off. I thought about doing it with my favorite kickass duo, Samus and Captain Falcon…but I think Snake actually fits really well! (Plus, Snake x Samus is kind of badass.) And don't worry…Captain Falcon's here, and he stars as Samus's right-hand man. And Sonic is Snake's little sidekick…I dunno why. It just felt right, you know?

Most all the other Smash Brothers are going to get involved too, somehow, I think, and everyone's a bounty hunter and it's just weird. We'll see how it goes, though. This first chapter is just an introduction.

Rating: T (Swearing, violence, romance. Good stuff.)
Disclaimer: Don't own Smash Bros., bro.

1:
That's Miss to You, Bucko

BREEP! BREEP!

Snake clicked the Codec, careful to keep his back pressed against the crate.

SNAKE
Yeah?

SONIC
Snake, have you infiltrated the facility?

"Yeah, I'm inside," Snake said, peeking around the side. A bulbous spacecraft squatted in the center of the loading dock. "Sonic, what's this gold...orange thing?"

Sonic was silent.

SNAKE
…Sonic?

SONIC
Gold…orange thing?…

Snake peeked his head around again, just in case he had made up what he had seen. The ship still sparkled dangerously.

SNAKE
You know, like a ship!

SONIC
…Ohhh. Anyone ever told you you're not the most articulate, Snake? That ship is Samus's ship. They usually use Captain Falcon's ship, the Falcon Flyer, to get places, though. It's faster and more maneuverable.

Snake rubbed his chin. Samus and Falcon were out now, so Sonic and Snake had taken the opportunity to explore the bounty hunters' base. But what was he going to do once they…got back?

"Sonic, could you possibly give me some more info on my mission? I'm…new here. Master Hand hardly gave me anything before I had to go out. I know I have to kill Samus, but…who is Samus? Some sort of bounty hunter?"

"…Hmmmm…" Sonic said, as if he were chewing over a particularly juicy bit of information. Snake could just envision him leaning back in his chair, his hands folded behind his head as if he had all the time in the world. The merc's eyebrow twitched. "Well, you'd have to be a complete rookie to not know who Samus Aran is. Samus has killed notable envoys and broken up all of the best bounty hunting factions, including Star Fox—although I think they got back together—and the Triumvirate. But this is all completely new to you, right? All of this is psychobabble?"

Snake shrugged offhandedly. "Right."

"All you have to know Samus is the deadliest bounty hunter this side of Subspace. Everyone will know who you're talking about." Sonic sounded like he was leaning back in his chair again.

Snake waited for Sonic to continue. "Can't you give me anything else?"

"Um, wellll…if my calculations are right, why don't you take a look for yourself?"

Snake heard the door slide open. The mercenary quickly tucked his legs under him and craned his neck around the crates.

A human-shaped robot clanked down the aisle, a glittering composition in steel. The bounty hunter was constructed of orange and yellow pieces, all gleaming and shiny. Samus Aran's footsteps pierced the air as the bounty hunter inspected the ship.

"Looks tough," Snake commented. His eyes slid over the lustrous metal, the sharp edges.

The huge-ass cannon in place of an arm.

"Is," his partner confirmed. "She's pretty heartless, from what I've heard. But ya gotta be, in this business…"

"Hm…" Snake turned this sentence over for a moment. "Wait…did you say 'she'?"

"Yeah, she. Samus Aran is a she." Sonic paused. "Wait…you didn't know Samus was a girl?"

Snake frowned. "…It's not that obvious…"

"Some mercenary! Didn't even know Samus was a girl! Oh man, you are such a rookie!" Sonic laughed. Then, he added mischievously: "…Think you can beat a girl, Snake?"

Snake scowled. "…Don't try me, hedgehog."

"Okay, okay, just kidding," Sonic consented. "Good luck, Snake! Keep it real!"

"Uh, thanks. I'll try," Snake said resignedly. "Oh, Sonic? One last thing…"

"Yeah?"

"Can't you give me anything on how to beat her?"

Sonic scoffed. "What do you think they hired you for? That's your job: to find out how to beat Samus Aran. But you must be good. Hand's never even bothered to contract anyone against Samus before. He's heard good things about you." Snake didn't know whether to feel flattered or…terrified. "I can give you one more heads up, though."

Snake's ears perked up. "Yeah?"

"She just spotted you."

! "WHAT!—"

The boxes over his head imploded, showering splinters down on him. Reaching out on his belly, Snake snatched his Codec to his ear, expecting the cries of concern and profuse apologies he was accustomed.

"Snake…" Sonic began mournfully. "…YOU'RE TOO SLO-OW! Come on, step it up! You're going to need to be faster than that to survive here!—"

Sonic's tinny laughing ringing out of it, Snake threw his beloved Codec across the room. Snake cocked his missile launcher and turned, preparing to face the most fearsome bounty hunter this side of the stars. "I knew there was something about that hedgehog I didn't like…"

xxx

Samus and Captain Falcon enter next chapter. I'll try to update soon.

In other news, Metroid is the most awesome series ever. Reading up on Samus's past almost made me cry. I thought I knew a lot, but it's clear I don't! She rocks, and I'm so glad to be writing about her. I hope I can do her (as well as the other characters) justice in the upcoming chapters…