©2001 This story was written by Katie (oh sure! Like I'll give you my last name!). It is totally 100% fictional, which is why it's a fanfic! If you wanna use it on your webpage, then you must e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca. If I find my fanfic on your page without my permission, then I will personally kill you. Have a nice day :P!
LEGAL CONKER DISCLAIMER: © Random years, who knows... uhm, we'll say 2000, since this has nothing to do with Conker's Pocket Tails or Twelve Tails. Right. © 2001 Rare and Nintendo. All rights reserved.
Suicide Squirrel, TOTAL WAR Part 1
It was the year 2001. In the grey squirrels' homeland, everyone was ready for bed. The little children had been read to and tucked in, and young couples had... well, you know, and everyone was settled down, ready for some shuteye. That is... until the Tediz invaded. There were thousands of them. They took a small island just off the coast of an ocean near the community of Windy as their base, capturing squirrels every so often and using them for their sinister, twisted experiments. Anyone who saw a Tediz never saw anything again after. Namely, because they were dead. They had even removed the legs of a little girl and used her as a seeing-eye puppet for their own disgusting experiment. The grey squirrel sergeant knew this could happen no more. "After so many years of being a sergeant, I have never seen anything so bastardic in my entire life," He said to himself one day, slamming a fist into his palm. "First last year's Tediz invasion that killed off all my troops, now this! What we is gonna do, I dunno..." He shook his head. "I hate to see more recruits dead, but we need to get rid of these Tediz." He sighed. "I guess I'll have to call the boys in. Anyone over eightteen'll have ta go." He sighed again as he reached for the telephone. He hated when he had to sacrifice other men.
Days later, all the squirrels over eighteen lined up outside the ocean off Tediz Island. "Boys, you has been chosen for a mission. You have no choice but to accept." The sergeant announced. All the squirrels in the crowd gulped loudly. "The Tediz has invaded the island again, and we has got to get rid of them! In two hours, the boat will arrive, and we'll be sent to fight the evil Tediz bastards. Now, we each get one base to protect; the Tediz's base won't be far ahead of our own. We have to get the enemy's chemical canister and take it down into the bunker, then deposit it into the drop-off area. When one of yers does that, you better make sure you're either in the bunker with the guy who put it in, or ya better get yerself a gas mask from one of the sealed-off areas. Right, I hope there are no questions, 'cos we ain't got time for that." Fifteen squirrels abruptly dropped their arms to their sides angrily. "Right, it's time fer rolecall. Lessee... number one on the list... Suicide Squirrel." The sergeant announced. A brave, twenty-one year old one-half grey squirrel (his mother was part lemming) looked up, then yelled "Present!" in a husky voice. Little did the sergeant know that this young man was going to be the one to lead them all to victory...
After the roll call, the squirrels were sent to the boats. There were squirrels of all shapes, sizes, and colours there that day. Suicide boarded one of the primitive wooden boats and sat down, right beside a handsome black squirrel. He examined Suicide thoroughly, then laughed. "Suicide Squirrel!" He said in a very deep, masculine voice. This was unusual; squirrels often had high, scratchy voices. Suicide raised an eyebrow at the black squirrel beside him. "Sorry, pal, I don't know you." He said, confused. The other squirrel laughed. "Suicide, you don't remember..." She changed her voice back to its regularly cute and feminine tone. "Me?" Suicide's eyes widened. "Pinéca!" Suicide hissed. "Pinéca, what the hell are you doing here!? Only men are s'posed to be fighting in this war!" Pinéca shrugged. "My younger brother was off in Bora-Bora with his new girlfriend, so I decided I'd go in his place. After all, I've been working out a lot lately. Beating the shit out of Tediz shouldn't be too hard, I don't think." She said, twitching her silky black tail back and forth gently. Suicide grinned. "At least there's someone here I know." He stated. "So... this doesn't mean you've turned... you know... lesbian, does it?" Pinéca looked about ready to pop Suicide one right on the head, but she relaxed. "No, dammit, I'm not a lesbian." She muttered, punching Suicide playfully on the shoulder. Suicide cringed as he rubbed the injured shoulder. "Shit, Pinéca! That fuckin' hurt! Man, you pack a wallop..." He shook his head, and Pinéca smirked at him. "What, not going to be Mr. Dignity and pretend like it didn't hurt? Not going to be all 'she's-a-girl-so-she-must-be-a-wuss'?" She inquired with an artificial look of shock on her face. "You forget, Pinéca; I'm not like the rest of those 'sexist pigs' you girls seem to hate." Suicide said with an airy laugh. Pinéca giggled, then contained herself. "Right, I forgot. You're the gay one." She said, trying to contain her laughter. Suicide sat there staring at her for a few moments. He opened his mouth to protest, but was interrupted by the sergeant's husky voice. "Okay, men! We is at the beach. Now, we gots ta go up the beach, and into the base. There, you will find an assortment of useful weapons lying around in convenient places. Use them to your advantage. I also suggest that you goes after the enemies' canister. I already 'splained the canisters, so if you didn't hear it, you is on your own." "Shit!" A grey squirrel hissed. Hm, must've missed the talk on canisters. "Good luck, men." The sergeant said. "Move it out."
The army stalked down the beach, more nervous than they'd been in their entire lives. One red squirrel bent over and opened his first aid kit. "Hey, you guys," He started. "My name's Wallace, and I'm going to... well, I'm gonna be the first-aid guy. I'll probably be somewhere near the bunker or summat. If one of ya gets hurt, come see me. Okay? Good luck! I'm gonna go ahead." He flipped it shut and ran forward. The soldiers watched him enter the base from the back entrance.
"The enemy seems to be hesitating," One Tediz sniper hissed to another in its own language, relaxing his hold on the sniper rifle he was holding. The other Tediz did the same. "What's taking those damn squirrels so long?" He muttered, dropping the butt of the gun to the floor, then leaning on it. The first Tediz shrugged. "Ah well. Anyway, want a smoke?" He offered, taking a pack of cigarettes out. The other one grinned and ablidged. "Got a light?" He asked. The other one nodded. "I'll give yeh a light..." A grey squirrel said with an evil grin. He was in the squirrels' base in the sniper tower, rifle ready and aimed at the first Tediz's head. He pulled the trigger, and a loud gunshot resounded throughout the tower. The Tediz, shall we say, "lost his head". "Don't you know smoking'll kill you?" The squirrel laughed in insane glee, aiming for the other Tediz who scrambled to his rifle. Too late. Bam, off with his head. The squirrel laughed. "Like taking candy from a baby."
"Don't you think the sergeant's orders were a bit... rushed?" Suicide asked Pinéca as they ran up a wooden plank, then turned left and up a stone ramp. They were in the base. Pinéca nodded. "Definetly. I mean, he was all like 'this, that, and the other thing, any questions? No? That's a good boy'." She said, doing her best fake sergeant voice. Suicide shook his head. "I don't get it. But anyway... hey sweet, a katana!" He exclaimed suddenly, running to the other side of the platform walkway they were on. Pinéca rolled her eyes and ran after Suicide as he gingerly picked up the lethal weapon. "I have always wanted one of these." He looked around, then spotted another to his immediate left. "Hey, you want one, too?" Pinéca shrugged. "Why not? It's better than those messy guns you have to reload and reload and..." she grabbed the sword. "Hey..." She started, assuming a stance similar to a coiled snake. "Hey, this is pretty cool..." She swished it around a bit, narrowly missing Suicide's neck. "Shit, Pinéca!" He cried, jumping backwards. "Watch where you're throwin' that thing! You'll cut someone's head off! Namely, mine!" He calmed himself down. Pinéca laughed nervously. "Sorry, Suicide... didn't mean to..." She said. Suicide laughed. "Ahh, 'salright. Not the first time I've had a near-death experience, that's for sure." He sighed. "Won't be my last, either. Anyway-" "Suicide, look out!" Pinéca screamed. A red laser-light was on Suicide's helmet. It was the laser-light of a Tediz sniper rifle. The Tediz pulled the trigger just as Pinéca pulled Suicide out of the way. The bullet narrowly hit Suicide's tail, removing a bit of fur. Suicide had fallen facedown on Pinéca's back, as Pinéca had fallen to the floor. Pinéca blushed a bit, but then yelled "GET THE FUCK OFFA ME!". Suicide quickly did so, staying away from the place he had just been. He picked his sword back up, and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "You saved my life..." he said in awe. "...Thanks..." Pinéca smiled. "Don't mention it... listen, we'd better split up, okay? Kill ten Tediz, then meet me back here." She instructed. If we're still alive by then... She winked at him, then jumped down onto the ground, past one grey squirrel holding a magnum. She ran into the bunker. Suicide sighed. "Looks like it's time for me to storm the enemy base," He said to himself. He looked up at the sky, then looked at the entrance to the squirrels' base. "Let's go..." He flipped through the air, screaming random Japanese-sounding battle cries off the top of his head. He zipped past another grey squirrel guarding the entrance to the squirrel base. He held tightly onto a sniper rifle, ready to shoot any intruders. He nodded toward Suicide. "Good luck, buddy. Yer gonna need it!" He said to Suicide. Suicide shook his head. "Thanks pal." He ran out the open green doors and into the daylight. Surprisingly enough, it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining through the sapphire blue sky, and it was all so brilliant that Suicide had to stop for a moment to look around. He saw trees beyond the Tediz's base, and decided that if this weren't an area of killing and death, there would probably be birds singing in those trees on a day like today. "Hey, hurry it up, guy!" A red squirrel said, running past Suicide. Suicide watched the squirrel run off, then thrust his sword in front of him and ran to catch up with the red squirrel. Fortunetly, that didn't take long. Suicide slowed down after he caught up to the squirrel. "Hey, uhm, think you'll need any help?" He asked. The red squirrel looked over at him, smiled, then stopped and shook Suicide's hand. "Pleasure doing business with yeh! The name's Chessut. And you?" Suicide grinned. "I'm Suicide." Just then, a sniper bullet narrowly missed Chessut. Suicide's eyes widened, and he grabbed Chessut's arm. He drug him under a wooden bridge that basically connected the two bases together. "Shit, that was close." He muttered. "Okay then, Chessut. What weapon do you have?" Chessut grinned as he brought out two hand guns. Suicide nodded. "Okay, then. I suggest you and I run like hell to avoid that sniper up there-" He pointed to the sniper tower. "-then head to the base. We should probably hide by the wall or something, what do you think?" Chessut nodded. "Sounds good. Wait, how about I get rid of the guy at the entrance, then you go in and decapitate a few of the bastards?" He offered. Suicide grinned. "Then, while I hold 'em off, you get the canister and take it down through the bunker!" He said with a triumphant grin. Chessut smiled. "I like the way you think, boy! Let's get to it. I'll take care of any Tediz that come along before we get into the base." He added. Suicide nodded, then held his sword out in front of him, ready for anything. "One... two... three..." He counted off the numbers, then paused. "CHARGE!" The two squirrels ran forward, dodging sniper bullets the whole way. They hung a quick right, where two Tediz were waiting, looking very bored. They spotted the squirrels and immedietly brought out their weapons. The one closest to them took out a semi-automatic rifle, and the other one brought out some throwing knives. They immedietly started attacking. Chessut nodded toward Suicide, who started jumping left and right to distract the Tediz. Chessut took out his hand guns and fired while Suicide distracted the sinister bears. Suicide leapt high into the air, dodging every bullet and knife that whizzed his way. He flipped over both Tediz's heads, then landed right beside the one with the throwing knives. With a quick dancelike motion, he removed the Tediz's head. Stuffing and yellow bloodlike fluid sprayed everywhere. Chessut shot the other Tediz multiple times, killing it almost instantly. Chessut nodded his head toward Suicide. "Right, I'll get the guy at the door. Then you run in and take out the others. Got it?" Chessut said to Suicide, who nodded. "Good. Let's do this." Chessut ran over to the open red doors, and stood right at the opening to the Tediz base. There stood one particularly bored-looking Tediz, holding onto a magnum and waiting for some action. Chessut grinned, readying his handguns. The Tediz spotted him immediately and started shooting, but he only had one bullet left, and Chessut dodged it. The Tediz gulped and tried to manually reload the gun, but by the time he was finished, fragments of his head were falling down beside his limp body, which fell forward. His left arm twitched slightly, his throat still gurgling his death cry, although he had a tongue no longer. Yellow blood and stuffing came from the stump that had once been his neck. He was dead. Chessut laughed. "Man, that was too easy. Okay then, boy. You go in and get rid of a few of those bastards, I'll grab the canister. Be sure to cover me, okay?" He said. Suicide nodded, then thrust his sword forward and charged into the base. The enemy Tediz saw him almost immedietly. Red laser beams from magnums and snipers aimed all at him, but none were fast enough to follow Suicide, who was flipping all over the place. At first, he ran over to the Tediz who was standing beside the entrance to the bunker. That Tediz held a sniper rifle. He fired away at Suicide, clipping his tail, and dripping a bit of blood. Suicide winced in pain, but then noticed he Tediz was off guard. He was laughing at Suicide's pain. "Oh that's it, you fucking bastard!" Suicide growled. He stabbed the Tediz through the stomach, rendering him helpless and grabbing his wound, then with a quick spin he decapitated him. The three Tediz standing nearby gasped in horror, then each started throwing knives at him. Suicide flipped into the air and landed behind one Tediz. He smirked, then got rid of his head as well. It bounced onto the floor with a sickening plop, then Suicide heard a voice coming from his walkie-talkie... "Private Chessut reporting!" Came the voice. "I've got the canister. All squirrels report to the bunker or gas mask areas! Good luck!" The message terminated. Suicide glanced over at the glowing green room that held the canister, then spotted the red squirrel carrying it. One of the knife-wielding Tediz threw knives at Chessut to stop him, but that angered Suicide. Suicide zipped over to where that Tediz was (right beside the canister area). The Tediz heard Suicide's footsteps and spun around. Suicide grinned evilly, then quickly removed the Tediz's head with a swift swish of his sword. There was one left. Suicide leapt his way over to where the snipers usually went, but he didn't enter. He saw one Tediz hiding there with the throwing knives. That Tediz started throwing some at Suicide, but to no avail. Suicide quickly ended that Tediz's life, then took a leap off the edge and onto the lower part of the base. He landed right behind Chessut. "Suicide, my boy! That was great! Now, we've gotta get down through the bunker. Let's hope no Tediz are waitin' there." He said cautiously as they entered the bunker area, which smelled faintly of sewage. Suicide plugged his nose. "Man, it totally reeks down here." He muttered as they turned a corner, passing a magnum that was on the ground. They stalked through the hallway slowly, when all of a sudden... "Fallafunda!" Came the voice of a Tediz. It had come from the left in a small hiding spot, so it seemed. The Tediz was armed with a flamethrower. Chessut gulped. "Oh, shit... Suicide, get rid of this asshole." He mumbled. Suicide ran ahead of Chessut, where the Tediz was. The Tediz blew flames toward Suicide, who leapt into the air and over the Tediz's head. The Tediz was so surprised he couldn't look around, so Suicide quickly got rid of their pest problem and killed him. "Good job, Suicide! Okay, get back behind me." Chessut said. Suicide smirked. "In a sec. I know for a fact that Tediz aren't anywhere near immune to fire. I'm gonna go in there-" he pointed to where the Tediz had come from. "-and get a flamethrower. You keep goin', I'll be right there." Chessut nodded, then kept walking. He spoke into his walkie-talkie. "Comin' through!" He said into it. Suicide ran into the small spot the Tediz had been hiding in, then grabed the flamethrower. He tossed his sword into the air (there was a small area that led outside), and ran off. Suddenly, sirens were blaring. Suicide knew he had to hurry. He ran out of the hiding spot and hung a left, then ran down the corridor. The door was closing down, and was coming close to the bottom. Suicide slipped on the mud and fell over, making him stop. He got up quickly and ran for it, but he saw the door had almost reached the bottom. He did a bellyflop onto the ground, making him feel quite sick to his stomach, and slid down the small slope and through the door, just before it closed. Suicide puffed, then saw Chessut frowning at him. "You almost got yourself killed!" He hissed. Suicide smirked. "They don't call me Suicide for nothin'." He walked over to Wallace, the doctor, and got him to take a look at his tail. There were plenty of squirrels in sight, but Pinéca wasn't one of them...
End of part 1
Okie! I finally got part one finished. Not sure how many chapters this'll have, but ah well. Anyway, about the names. I'm trying to keep most of the names as nut/berry/squirrel-related as I can. For example: Pinéca = Pine cone, Wallace = Walnut, Chessut = Chestnut, etc. Not sure how long this'll be exactly. After this, I'm going to write a sequel entitled Suicide Squirrel: COLOURS (yes, I am Canadian, I added the bloody U, so sue me :p). If you like this, please read my other Conker-related fanfic, Conker's Other Bad Fur Day in the crossovers section (Donkey Kong/Conker crossover). I'll be alternating between stories. So... that's about it. Feel free to e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca if you have any questions or comments. Until then I leave you with but one question... what the hell is Mepsipax!?