Once again Krieger wrecked the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Here's another failed secret mission that my warped mind came up with. Slightly based on a real life CIA mishap. Only with a lot more destruction. And typical madness.
Mallory and Krieger's Dog Day Afternoon
"This better work Archer," Slater folded his arms as he stood in the hotel room.
But for once he was annoyed at a different Archer.
"It will work," Mallory Archer waved. "This is a senator we're talking about. In a New York City hotel famous for having prostitutes visit. How hard can it be to catch the man in the act?"
"It shouldn't be but I have a feeling you might have a problem with it," Slater glared at the other occupant in the room.
"What?" Krieger asked as he sat at a control panel set up in the room.
"You weren't exactly subtle getting the equipment up here!" Slater snapped.
"All this stuff is heavy," Krieger protested. "I needed all those bellhops to help me carry it in and set it up!"
"Dear God I am working with amateurs…" Slater grumbled.
"Besides Ms. Archer is the one who ordered room service," Krieger pointed.
"Did you have to order two bottles of expensive Scotch?" Slater glared at Mallory.
"It's a stakeout. You need refreshments to keep yourself going," Mallory said as she poured herself a drink.
"May I remind you that if this mission fails not only will the CIA not pay you the ten thousand dollars we agreed on for this mission…" Slater warned. "But we will certainly not pay for the hotel room or your bar tab!"
"It's a simple wiretapping assignment," Mallory said. "What could go wrong?"
"I don't know. With your group that's part of the fun!" Slater snapped. "Listen Senator Louis Laffer is against the CIA's budget increase. If we can get him on tape in a compromising position…"
"I am more than aware of what a honeypot mission is and how it works," Mallory rolled her eyes. "It would have been a lot easier if you sent me down there to seduce him."
"Ha! Ha! HA!" Slater laughed. Mallory's frown made him stop. "Oh. You were serious?"
"You could have sent Cheryl. Or Pam. Or Lana…" Krieger spoke up.
"Lana? Ms. Moral Mother of the Year on a honeypot mission?" Mallory scoffed.
"Which no one else is even supposed to know about!" Slater added.
"Okay not her. But how about Ray?" Krieger suggested. "That would be juicy."
"Nope. Laffer's straight," Slater shook his head. "I mean he knows how to clean a house, understands fashion and likes show tunes but that's as far as it goes. Trust me. We checked."
"So he's a Metro?" Krieger asked.
"Totally," Slater nodded.
"A what?" Mallory asked. "Is that a sex act?"
"No!" Slater snapped. "Metrosexual? A straight guy that just likes to be fashionable!"
"Like Felix Unger in the Odd Couple," Krieger explained.
"Oh. Now I get it," Mallory nodded.
"And you are going to get it if you screw this mission up or tell anyone outside of this room!" Slater snapped.
"You don't have to remind me!" Mallory snapped back. "You've said that at least twenty times!"
"I think I kind of do!" Slater snapped. "Particularly when you shouted in the lobby…And I quote…Krieger if you mess up that surveillance equipment I will send you to a black site in Morocco!"
"Yeah that wasn't exactly subtle," Krieger agreed.
"Shut up!" Mallory snapped at Krieger. She turned to Slater. "Look everything will be fine. This is an easy mission."
"Just don't screw it up," Slater warned. "And you still owe the CIA for the debacles of your last secret missions!"
"Relax! I always pay my debts," Mallory waved.
"Like how you repaid Wild Bill Donovan?" Slater snapped. "I heard about what you did!"
"I never made up that story about him having an affair with his daughter in law!" Mallory snapped. "That was all J. Edgar Hoover!"
"No, but you had no problems repeating that rumor to anyone who would listen!" Slater told her.
"It was taken out of context! As a joke!" Mallory defended.
"Speaking of jokes let's talk about your agency…" Slater went on. "Since you signed on with us your record hasn't exactly been a hundred percent."
"Relax Slater," Mallory waved. "This is totally confidential. Not even Sterling knows about this one. It's just Krieger."
"That's what worries me," Slater growled. "Are you sure he can get the intel?"
"Of course I'm sure!" Mallory said. "Krieger may be eccentric…"
"You mean insane bordering on psychopathic…" Slater growled.
"But when it comes to wiretapping and surveillance he is an expert," Mallory told him confidently. "I mean he put surveillance cameras in the Tunt House without any of us knowing it."
"Considering your agents have the collective awareness of a bag of rocks that doesn't exactly inspire confidence," Slater growled.
"Will you just relax and let us do our jobs?" Mallory snapped. "If I wanted to be lectured I would have brought Lana!"
"Again you cannot…" Slater began.
"Oh for crying out loud! Change the record!" Mallory interrupted.
"Yeah we can be totally discreet!" Krieger spoke up. "I never said anything about the time she had me videotape her and Burt Reynolds! Not one word! Oops…"
"Thank you Krieger…" Mallory delivered a withering glare at him.
"This is a bad idea," Slater groaned.
"Hold on! I think we've got something!" Krieger told them. He worked the equipment. "I'm supposed to be recording now right?"
"YES!" Mallory and Slater hissed.
"Come here Cookie, give Daddy a kiss!" A man's voice was heard.
"Especially that!" Slater pointed. "Get it! Get it!"
"Got it. Duh!" Krieger rolled his eyes. "Yeah Senator Laffer and Cookie have their playtime every weekend."
"Wait you know who he's with?" Slater was stunned.
"Well yeah. Archer's not the only one who can do intel you know?" Krieger gave him a look. "He's just the only one who blabs about it."
"Oh yes! Yes! Who's a good girl! Give me kisses!" Laffer was heard smooching.
"This is great!" Slater grinned. "Now we've got this guy."
"I've got the video too," Krieger brought it up. "We can watch the whole thing."
"See Slater?" Mallory said as the video was turned on. "You had nothing to…What the hell is that?"
"That's Senator Laffer duh!" Krieger rolled his eyes. "And his terrier Cookie."
"HIS DOG?" Slater yelled as images of the Senator playing with his dog on the bed were shown.
"Wait…You didn't know Cookie was a dog?" Krieger blinked.
"OBVIOUSLY NOT!" Mallory yelled.
"I knew it!" Slater fumed. "I knew you idiots would screw this up!"
"Now hold on a minute!" Mallory protested. "So this is a slight mishap! It's not our fault the man is a dog lover! You can't hold us accountable for that!"
"It is and I can!" Slater stormed out. "You can forget about that ten thousand dollars Ms. Archer! And Hawley is going to get a full report on this!"
"Mr. Slater! Wait! Hold on!" Mallory started to go after him. Then she stopped. "Damn it!"
"What's his problem?" Krieger asked.
"No, no…We can still salvage this!" Mallory thought. "Slater was just impatient. That's all. Just keep taping Krieger! I'm sure if we watch Laffer some more we're sure to see something scandalous. Even if we have to watch him all weekend!"
"Wow you will do anything to not pay for a hotel bill and booze will you?" Krieger asked. Mallory silenced him with a withering glare.
Sometime later…
"I know dogs are supposed to be man's best friend but really…" Mallory grumbled as she lay on the bed drinking bottles from the mini bar. "He's spent half the afternoon playing with that thing!"
"I think it's sweet," Krieger sniffed.
"You don't want to know what I think of you!" Mallory grumbled as she took a drink.
"Reminds me of when I played with my pet Dobermans as a child," Krieger reminisced. His face fell. "Before they tore my father to pieces."
"That was my bad," Mallory groaned. "If I had known better I would have had them kill you too!"
Then there was a knock at the senator's door. "Hey someone's coming!" Krieger pointed.
"This could be it!" Mallory got up. Her face frowned when she saw what was on screen. "Damn it! It's just his wife!"
"Wow a man having a secret tryst in a hotel room with his wife," Krieger remarked. "Did not see that coming!"
"Terrific! We get to wiretap the one politician in the world that's actually honest and faithful!" Mallory groaned.
"Geeze what are the odds?" Krieger remarked.
"Keep taping Krieger…" Mallory groaned. "Maybe we'll get lucky and they'll be into something kinky and disturbing?"
"God I hope so," Krieger yawned. "I missing movie and sushi night for this!"
"I'm missing anything that's better than this!" Mallory snapped.
"Honey let's get wild and crazy tonight!" Laffer said to his wife.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Mrs. Laffer twittered.
"I am!" Laffer said cheerfully. "And you know what that means!"
"Double suicide?" Mallory grumbled.
"SCRAPBOOKING NIGHT!" The Laffers said as one as they pulled out several pieces of paper and photos out from a purse and briefcase.
"And we can watch HBO!" Mrs. Laffer giggled. "Oh I feel so naughty!"
"I feel nauseous," Mallory groaned. "Well this is disturbing but not the way I was hoping it would be!"
"Do I smell smoke?" Mrs. Laffer sniffed the air.
"Oh my god! That lamp is on fire!" Mr. Laffer shouted.
"Uh oh…" Krieger gulped. "I knew I shouldn't have used those wires from those dead North Korean spy phones."
"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.
"Oh yeah this is not good…" Krieger winced as the cameras started to fizzle. "Yeah they're all going up like the Fourth of July. Or the Fourth of Ju-Luau."
"Krieger you idiot!" Mallory shouted. "You put faulty wiring in the wiretapping system?"
"Did you just hear someone?" Mrs. Laffer did a double take.
"Wiretapping?" Laffer shouted. "Oh Christmas! The fire is getting bigger!"
"They can hear us?" Mallory shouted.
"They can now. And that fire isn't going to get smaller anytime soon. We should go now," Krieger said. "Ms. Archer…?"
He turned to find she had already run away. "Hey!" He ran out after her.
The following Monday…
"I can explain…" Mallory began as she spoke in the phone in her office. "Hawley…Yes. Yes. I am aware of what happened. Yes, a four alarm fire in an exclusive hotel does tend to make the news. And yes. Senator Laffer's dog died. But no human lives were lost…"
"What do you mean by not yet?" Mallory asked. "Look I…I…Of course no one knows it was us! Yes. I am aware that Slater was able to bribe the investigators into believing the wiring in the hotel's electrical system was faulty but…What do you mean it's coming out of my paycheck? Are you serious? How much to do I have to pay? WHAT? How is that my…? But! But! But…!"
Mallory made a frustrated roar as she slammed the phone down. "KRIEGER!"
Meanwhile Archer, Ray and Lana were sipping coffee in the break room. They saw Krieger run by. "AAAAAAAAHHH!" Krieger yelled.
"COME BACK HERE AND DIE LIKE A MAN YOU NAZI NITWIT!" Mallory chased after him carrying her gun.
BANG! BANG! BANG!"
"WHERE'S A REAL SMOKE BOMB WHEN YOU NEED ONE?" Krieger shouted.
"Just another typical day at the office around here," Lana groaned as she kept sipping her coffee.
"What y'all think that was about?" Ray blinked.
"I dunno," Archer shrugged as he drank his coffee. "But odds are, Krieger deserves it."