You are walking down the road. Tears are falling down from your brown eyes but they are empty and lifeless. Many thoughts and memories occupy your mind. Why the hell the life is so unfair? Why has this happened exactly to you? The numb pain grips your heart again, as painful memories arise again in your soul.
… A small slim girl with the huge brown eyes runs down the pavement, not paying any attention to the angry mother's shouts. Colorful showcase with fabulous dolls catches her eyes. Tiny little palms touch the glass; a small nose presses to the cold surface as if the close contact with the glass will help to better examine those beautifl dolls.
"Honey, come here," cold and indifferent mother's voice distracts the child. "Dolls are for little and stupid girls, you're not like them. Let's go, we need to go to the library. You must be intelligent and well-read."
Brown eyes are fading, soft face loses all vitality and joy; the girl obediently walks towards her mother…
The bright headlights of the passing car distract you from painfull memories. You, reacoiled in fear, wipe off the tears,that shine brightly in the sudden light, with the shaking hand. But the car has passed and the world is back to the darkness again. And with it those cursed memories returns again.
… A fragile tiny girl is standing on a high chair. She wears an expensive and stylish dress. This nine-years-old wonderful creature may've been considered as an angel if there were no jewelry. They gave her a bit of depravity, cheapness. And this fact notices her mother, standing nearby,
"Take off all the jewelry," an order is made in a few seconds, "This dress is too catchy and vulgar. No, leave everything as it is," she says, seeing that seamstress is moving towards the chair. Then her eyes fall on her daughter.
"You're shining in it. You must shine." Angel's charming head nods docilely – everything must be as mother has said. Her eyes are staring at the wall blankly, not feeling any emotions…
Convulsive sob breaks the silence of the night. Tears, that seemed not to exist anymore, are streaming down your face with the new force, falling on the road. That causes you to remember a new memory.
… Pretty fifteen-years-old girl, dressed modishly, listens to the last mother's instructions before going to the new year of studying in the private school.
"You must study hard. Read the books, don't forget about others, be friendly with everybody – God forbids, someone'll think you've the bad manners. Our family was always an example to follow. You must be worth your family's name, you must be the best one," the girl habitually nods, but in her brown eyes there are pain and fear – just to manage, but would not fail, but would not embarrass herself and her mother…
You scream loudly in pain, your chest is burning. You lean to the lonely tree, drops of tears falling on it. Inside your head you hear mother's words. "You must be intelligent and well-read. You must shine. You must be worth your family's name; you must be the best one."
"…You must, you must, you must…" those words are nearly causing the physical pain. Your head lowered, you go away, abandoning the old tree.
"…You must, you must, you must…"
They dress you like a doll and say what must be done. They demand the knowledge from you, not inherent for lifeless but oh-so beautiful porcelain figurines. And one can't explain them that Barbie can not be intelligent, that she isn't a human-being. The porcelain can't think, then why are they demanding that from you? The human-being can not be perfect, flawless, then why do you have to be?
And again and again those damn memories cut you without knife.
… They achieved what they wanted – the very perfection is going to the Final Ball. Fragile body is wrapped in the formidable dress. Long dark hair is made in beautiful hairdo, several curls are tenderly falling on her shoulders. Fragile, graceful and lithe figure attracts the eye, making everybody admire her fineness. And nobody is able to see how empty and indifferent her eyes are. There is no life in them, only that cold indifference. So intelligent, so beautiful, so perfect… and so miserable. They achieved what they wanted…
Memories are flying one by one, changing swiftly one another. And the tears of pain continue falling from those beautiful but blank eyes.
… The lonely girl is walking down the corridor, not paying any attention to the admiring glances. She meets her ex-girlfriends. Chatting happily, they join her. They chat about boys, clothes, lessons and then devotedly stare at her, asking for approval…
You may've been just like them but parents had suffocated such things in yourself from the very beginning of the grown-ups life – when you just went to school.
Other people consider you to be the queen – and you are a queen, perfection, but the one who doesn't live.
Tears have dried, but they'll appear again with the next, the biggest and hardest, memory of all that you have, the one that caused you to walk down this very road.
… "Too frequently you avoid others. So intelligent, so beautiful and so lonely," the tall blond boy with grey eyes says, leaning to the wall. He looks at the angry girl who raises her eyes in interest after hearing the last words. His arm touches her cold palm. "Let's have a walk"…
How did he manage to make you trust him so easily? He understood you like no one before, even you didn't understand yourself as well as he did. You loved and you was happy… for the first time in the whole life. You trusted him with all your secrets, with your soul, with yourself… and was deceived.
… A happy girl is running up the stairs, carrying the gift for the St. Valentine's Day, the day of the love. The gift is the porcelain heart with gold ornament.
She wonders what he has prepared for her.
Yes, they planned to meet later but the girl couldn't wait for evening so she decided to make the surprise. Opening the doors carefully, she entered the house, passing the rooms automatically before stopping near his bedroom. With an easy smile the beauty turned the handle.
He was hugging, kissing and whispering tender words, but that was not addressed to her. Her girlfriend with the mischievous smile responded to the kisses, they didn't even notice the presence of another human-being.
Brown eyes had opened widely, there were pain and incomprehension in them – how could have a dear person acted so despicably, how could have he betrayed?
Porcelain heart fell down.
The love was broken, and with it the trust and faith had died, too.
There was nothing to be done, everything was broken…
You remember his reaction – he feared he would lose you. He didn't know you were already lost – not only for him but for the rest of the world. You remember the sudden rain as if it was yesterday. You were running through the grey fog, tears mixing with the rain drops. And what then?
Life continued, you weren't thinking of breaking it. You're the queen and you won't show others your weakness ever again. And his everyday apologies don't change anything, you won't forgive. Though it is not quite right – you've forgiven him, but it doesn't change anything.
Now, walking down the road, you understand that he loved you, but that was the nature of his, he couldn't have been only with you and you couldn't have tolerated this. Proprietress. It is well-known that the higher you raise the harder is the falling, and you was in heaven and had fallen. It was hard to get used to the old life without him, but you did it, even if only temporarily. You continued to live, obeying, waiting for the end of the studying year.
"You must be intelligent and well-read. You must shine. You must be worth your family's name, you must be the best one."
And you were so. You were well-read. You shone on the Ball. You were the best everywhere, it was admitted by everyone. You was worth your family's name, it was admitted by relatives. And you were intelligent, but your knowledge wasn't easy to get.
You performed all the orders of the childhood, you were the perfection, you still are. And again, walking down the abandoned road, you are trapped in your memory, the last one, it happened this morning.
…"We've found you a good young man, an excellent party," says the mother, staring at her submissive daughter. "Affiance is this week and in month it'll be your wedding."
Eighteen-years-old girl nods quickly, she doesn't care.
In the next room the telly is on. She makes her way there, thoughtfully staring at the screen.
"What shall I do?" the dark-haired woman asks. Probably, the main heroine. "Go away, wander all over the world until you find the meaning of life. Seek your way."
Brown eyes open widely. She knows what she must do.
His car is standing near the house, he forebodes he's seeing this angel in the last time. Familiar grey eyes are looking sad.
"Sorry," a weak whisper, he always understood her. The girl glances at him indifferently, not responding. Then she sits down in the taxi, gesturing the driver to move.
"Why are you like that? I can't live without you, I have apologized!" she hears him saying it, tears already streaming down her face. The words only make her pain more forceful. But he knows, he always understands her.
"The pure perfection," his last words float in the air…
The end. There're no memories left, the silent drops fall from your eyes. You're alone, you're seeking for your way and you don't believe you'll ever manage that, not in this lifetime. The blinding light of headlights once again breaks the dark, and you're just standing on the road and don't move aside…
The nasty sound of signal, loud bump, fragile body raising in the air and then slowly falling down. But you don't care – it's just the body.
And there appears the new memory. But no, it's not the memory, it's the present.
… The doctors are flying all over the pale girl, lying on the hospital bed. Parents enter the room, both pale and downcast.
"What is going on with her?" mother asks demandingly. Doctors only shake their heads in response. And the girl can see and hear everything. Or is it not her but her spirit?
Mother approaches her bed, determined,
"You must live," she whispers, taking the cold daughter's hand. "You must live."
"…You must, you must, you must…"
"Not this time, mother," the girl answers in her mind. Mother has felt this silent response, somehow…
Tuk Tuk, Tuk Tuk… the heart beats. Tuk Tuk… it slows its rhythm. Tuk… Tuk… it'll stop now. Tuk…
… Freedom. You've found your truest way…