So I've been listening to a few tunes lately and found some Densi fanfic inspiration. This will be a two parter based on two different songs. The first chapter is based on an artist we all seem to know these days Goyte. But no, the song is not the wonderful Somebody that I used to know. Heart's a Mess was Goyte's first 'big song' in Aus back in 2007. The first Goyte song I ever heard and fell in love with has given me some inspiration to write something a little darker than I usually do so I hope its okay.
Disclaimer: Italic words are lyrics which I do not own as Im not the awesomely talented humble Wally De Backer. Nor am I clever or creative enough to have come up with the characters of Kensi and Deeks myself - that's all the super brilliant Shane Brennan & team.
Pick apart,
The pieces of your heart.
And let me peer, inside.
His Kensi sits there on the kitchen floor, still in the same clothes as yesterday. Her eyes are red and swollen, slight remnants of mascara staining her cheeks. Her ponytail has become loose and curly tendrils of hair stick to the side of her face. Beside her is a bottle of some extremely strong spirit. Thankfully it doesn't appear to have been opened. He takes relief in the fact she hasn't felt the need to drink herself to oblivion, yet.
He should have come sooner, Hetty be dammed. While the operations manager had probably been completely right in suggesting Kensi needed some space, looking at her now, all he can think is that he's failed her. Seeing her like this, so distraught and in so much pain, its killing him inside.
'Kens?' He asks quietly, his voice breaking as he tries to hold back his own tears.
She removes her gaze from the ground in front of her, slowly meeting his eyes. Her expression however is blank and brings him no comfort.
'Kens,' He tries again, crouching down in front of her, about a meter away. 'What are you doing to yourself?' He asks, desperate for her to speak.
She sighs. This time when she looks at him, she brings her legs up, tucking her body into a small ball as if trying to shield herself. 'What is wrong with me Deeks?' She pleads desperately needing an answer.
She's clearly spent the last several hours sitting here, blaming herself, mulling over things she could have done differently. He won't give her what she wants though. He won't blame her and tell her she screwed up because that is not the truth, it's far from it in fact.
'You know my answer to that Kensi. But please do tell me how this was all your fault.' His voice is stern and he can see how his words sting, but that's what Kensi needs right now, it's the only way to get through to her.
Let me in,
Where only your thoughts have been,
He waits patiently as she just stares blankly at the ceiling. He won't leave her like this. No he will be staying right here, squatting in front of her until she spills. She is going to share this burden with him; he'll make sure of it.
He shuffles closer, his solid hands coming to rest gently on her knees. 'Kensi, please, let me in?' The anger from his voice is completely gone and it's his turn to plea.
Let me occupy your mind,
As you do mine.
This woman in front of him consumes his thoughts 99% of the time (and no, not all of those are dirty thoughts) He cares for her, more than he's willing to admit, even to himself. Seeing her like this however, well he'd heard people say there is nothing worse than seeing a loved one in pain, he'd just never realised how true it was. That's right; this isn't just some sexual attraction at play, if it was Deeks would have scored some comfort sex the minute he walked in the door (or so he likes to think). All he wants is to see her smile. This is love and he's in deep.
Deeks gives up on the squatting position, instead coming to sit beside her, the bottle of alcohol between them. 'That's okay if you don't want to spill Kens. I'll fill your mind with stories from my collage days instead. This one time Leticia Scott – .' His mouth snaps shut realising this is not place for Leticia stories. He can't help it sometimes, things just come out of his gob before he can put a lid on it.
Carefully looking over at her though, he notices the corners of her lips turned slightly upwards. He knows then she'll get through this. So long as she opens up.
Your heart's a mess.
You won't admit to it.
A long moment of silence passes between them before she speaks, her voice coming out husky from lack of use and crying. 'I'll be fine Deeks. I just need some time.'
He turns to face her, looking deep into her eyes as voices his next words. 'I have no doubt you'll be fine Kens. You're my kick ass, strong, determined, 'nothings gonna knock you down' partner and best friend. But right now, you're a mess and I really want to know what's going on inside that head of yours.'
'I'm a mess?' Her voice is slowly coming back to her.
'Really?' Deeks chuckles quietly. 'That's all you got from what I just said? None of the kick ass best friend stuff?'
She gives him a small grin.
'Just for the record, you're not a mess, you're a hot mess.'
It makes no sense,
But I'm desperate to connect.
You can't live like this.
He doesn't receive a punch for his words and it scares him. Instead Kensi turns to him, an unreadable yet fairly serious expression on her face.
'Why do you care?'
He rubs a hand over his stubble as he considers her question. 'Honestly Kens, I don't know.' Now is definitely not the time to admit his love. 'But I really do care so please, share this burden with me.'
Kensi stares at him a long moment before sighing and looking down at her hands, clenched together in tight fists. She's not looking at him at first, but gradually she lets him in, telling him everything. Soon enough the tears return and the alcohol which was sitting between them is moved aside so that Deeks can pull her in close, rubbing soothing circles on her back as she sobs uncontrollably into his chest.
Eventually she calms and looks up at him, only to see his own eyes glistening.
'You're crying.'
Deeks can't tell whether it's a question or a statement.
'It's funny really. I don't think I've ever been so happy and depressed at the same time.' He admits.
She watches him closely for several minutes before bringing her hand up to gently caress his cheek and wipe away the lone tear that had escaped.
'Thank you Deeks.' She whispers kissing his cheek lightly.
I don't wanna waste my love.
Deeks leans down, his lips meeting hers in a sweet and gentle kiss. She doesn't exactly return the kiss, but he can feel her lips form into a small grin underneath his.
Part 2 will be a fair bit happier haha! I'm not so good at the angst stuff so I hope this was okay :)