Residuals of War
Prologue
Experiencing the death of Ron wasn't quite like experiencing the death of Sirius. When Sirius died, it was like losing an uncle, maybe even a parent. I knew they would die first. I knew I would outlive them. Maybe I didn't think about it consciously, but I knew it, somewhere in the back of my mind. That's just how things work. Ron and I were supposed to grow old together. We were supposed to live together in a nursing home, where we would play croquet in the afternoons and complain about how loud the classical music in the background is. I wasn't supposed to live without him. That wasn't how things were supposed to work. I didn't think about it until after Ron died. I thought about it after it happened though. It was all I thought about. It's still all I think about. Here I am, this tragic hero, who everyone loves. Everybody loves me. I'm not that great though. I saved the world from evil, but I can't save myself, or my best friend for that matter. Some hero I am.
I relive it. Everyday. I think about it all the time. I remember everything. It's almost like it happened yesterday. The wounds aren't healing. They aren't hurting less. All they do is remind me of how terrible I am. I broke the cardinal rule. I hesitated. You don't hesitate in war. That is when people die. That is when you die. That is when your best friend dies in your arms. That is when you lose your sanity.
You know how they say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"? Well, that's a lie. I'm weaker, mentally and physically.
Isn't everyone supposed to get a chance to mess up once where everything doesn't go wrong? You would think that I would get at least one break by now. But I haven't. One moment of hesitation, and Ron dies. I never hesitated before. Never, and the time I choose to, I lose my best friend. I hesitated, and this is where guilt gives birth. This is where the nightmares come in. I relive it almost every night in my dreams. It comes to the point where I almost dread going to sleep. If Ron visits me in my dream again asking why I killed him, I might go crazy. I tell myself that every morning. He keeps coming back. Good news though. I haven't gone crazy yet! Or, maybe I have. I just don't know it. I don't even know if I care anymore.
I lash out at anyone who annoys me. I yell at people who don't deserve it. I make people feel bad, and all they are trying to do is help me. Everyone walks around me like walking on eggshells. They're all thankful for what I did, and they think they shouldn't annoy me. If I want to brood and be miserable, it's ok, because the world would be evil without me. Don't upset Harry. He will explode any minute. That's what everybody says.
I need a friend, a genuine one. I need someone who isn't scared to yell at me, who doesn't care if I get mad at him or her. They're out there, and they're closer than I think. Hermione's told me this, but I don't think it's her. She won't yell back. She's too meek now. She's not at all like I remember her at school. The war changed her. The baby changed her. But, losing Ron changed her the most. Instead of being opinionated and forceful, she is quiet and timid, almost like she dreads talking. She needs comfort just as much as I do. I can't give it to her though. I'm worse off than she is. Besides, she is busy living in France while raising her dead lover's child. She said she couldn't stay. She needed a change of scenery or something. Everything reminds her of Ron her. I guess she never stopped to think that everything reminds me of him as well. Oh well. Like everyone else, she has deserted me.
I can conquer the Dark Lord, but not find some form of sanity. Everybody thinks I am a great wizard. Yeah, I'm really great.
For a change, I just want to be saved. Am I a bad person? Why do I always have to do the saving? I need to be saved, but where's my knight in shining armor? Am I not worthy of it? Can't someone save me?