Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did, I would probably be charging you to read this, because I am greedy like that.
Author's Notes: Coughs. Writing fanfic when you're sick isn't a good thing. I have no idea how good this is. I've never written Gravitation before, and a large part of that was because I had no idea how to write Shuichi. I hope that I didn't screw him up too badly. I don't think that it all connects together too well. Dedicated to Kiapo, even though she won't ever read it, because I wrote it during time that I could have used on her 'happy poem'. Yeah.
That Falling Feeling
Yuki Eiri couldn't remember when or why he fell in love with Shuichi.
He couldn't remember when annoyance had to turned to tolerance, when tolerance had turned to caring, when caring had turned to adoration.
He couldn't remember when Shuichi had become anything more than a quick fuck.
Breathing in and then blowing out a lungful of smoke, Yuki leaned against the guardrail on the balcony, considering.
Why, really, did he bother to remain faithful (and keep Shuichi around, for that matter)? It wasn't like it would do anything more than teach him a lesson. The boy was too innocent, too trusting. He would be doing him a favor.
Everyone needed to get their heart broken at least once.
Besides, it wasn't like there weren't at least a million raving fans who wouldn't hesitate to claim Shuichi as their own if Yuki broke his heart.
Maybe, he thought, smirking, being broken-hearted will improve his music. Give him something real to write from. Give him a new, now well-understood subject.
It may have been true that someone could write well about something that they knew very little about- such as love- and make themselves famous, like Yuki had, but there was nothing like that bitter touch that experience and lost love brought. It was the different between a million records and two million.
It was the difference between Shuichi and his idol, Ryuichi. Ryuichi must have been broken, sometime. It was almost impossible to raise those protections, become that isolated, without being shattered. That was something that Yuki knew only too well.
It was also the difference between Yuki and Shuichi.
And that, Yuki decided, was why he should drop the boy, hard, and make sure to do it soon. Dropping his cigarette on the balcony floor, he ground it out with his heel and then kicked it over the edge. Watching it spiral down, he reflected that falling was all that love really was.
Fall in love, fall in lust, fall into bed, fall out of bed, fall into defeat, fall into depression. Then, start it all over again. It was all one long downward motion, broken up into little segments.
With that thought, he headed back inside. It was almost time for Shuichi to come home, anyway. Why am I looking forward to Shuichi coming home? he asked himself silently. He had never wanted to love the boy, after all. Never wanted him to be anything more than a free fuck. Never wanted the emotional consequences of being in love, let alone being in love with Japan's number one popstar.
Never wanted to feel that falling feeling ever again.
As he passed the TV, he heard the phone begin to ring. Forcing himself to walk toward it slowly, he lifted it up and rested it against his ear.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Eiri-kun," Tohma's voice said cheerfully.
"What the hell do you want?"
"Mika and I were wondering if you'd go out to dinner with us tomorrow night. I know that Shindou-san will be working overtime so that Bad Luck finishes their new CD on schedule, so I figured that you wouldn't have any plans."
"How unselfish of you, Tohma. However, I do have plans. I'll be working. Every second without the brat here has to be used to my greatest advantage."
"But, Eiri-ku-"
Yuki hung up the phone. When, he wondered, would Tohma fall out of love with him? Probably never. Damn the bastard to hell, he thought.
Just then, the door swung open, hitting the opposite wall with a crash that make Yuki wince."Yuuuuuuuukkkkkkkiiiiiiii!"
Shuichi flung himself at Yuki, and the older man didn't even have the time to duck before two slender arms were wrapped around his neck and successfully cutting off his air supply.
"Yuki, you'll never guess what happened at NG today!" The boy began to blabber cheerfully, filling in Yuki on the lives of everyone that he had seen that day as he completely ignored his lover's attempts to pry his arms off of his neck so that he could begin to breath again. "So then, K got really upset and shot at Sakano but Sakano managed to dodge it so K only hit the light and we all got covered with little pieces of glass and then K got mad because Hiro cut his hand and he was having trouble playing guitar, so then-"
Finally succeeding, Yuki put the brat down and listened with half an ear as he walked into the kitchen.
"-and eventually the glass was all cleaned up and Hiro's hand was bandaged but then we found out that K had also managed to shoot some of my lyrics earlier that day-"
"Thank God," Yuki muttered under his breath.
"-had to rewrite part of one of the songs so we'll be staying over tomorrow night and the night after that and Yukkkkkkkkkkkkki will be all alone!" Shuichi punctuated this statement by going after Yuki's neck again. This time, he managed to avoid the embrace and grabbed the boy's arms instead.
"Yuki?" Shuichi looked at the older man, and Yuki had to remind himself to start breathing again. Those violet eyes, so wide and so innocent, pierced him just as deeply as Kitazawa's had all those years ago.
Maybe, he thought, that's why I ended up falling for someone again.
"Nothing, brat. Get down some glasses and set the table. I'll make us something."
Drop him now. Make him leave. Force him out. Jade him. Yuki listened to the voices in his head as he started to prepare dinner. It's all for his own good anyway.
In the end, he'll be a better person.
Just like Yuki Eiri himself had become. But every rule had its exceptions, didn't it?
He wished that he could ask Shuichi when he had become more than just a simple fuck, but he knew that he'd never hear the end of it. It was better just to wonder.
And besides, he had worked so hard to teach Shuichi what he liked in bed. Why start over again so soon? How long had it been? One year? A year and a half? And the brat was still learning.
There was no point in starting back at square one. He could stay with him and still break him, couldn't he?
Every day, maybe he would damage Shuichi a little more. Why did it almost hurt to think that?
Why did it burn to think that maybe he was hurting his lover?
When had it started to matter, anyway?
Oh well. Eventually, it would all come full circle. One could only fall for so long before they hit rock bottom. Yuki was well acquainted with rock bottom.
Because, he had known for a long time, that falling feeling is addicting.
It had started with Kitazawa, and it was still going strong.
Yuki started as he felt arms around his waist and a small head resting against his back. "What do you want, brat?"
"Yuki..." Shuichi sounded almost calm, for him, and peaceful. "I love you."
At that moment, Yuki felt himself start the falling cycle all over again.
Fuck.