Did You Love Him?
By comlodge
Disclaimer: Owned by Joss, Interpretations by me
Summary: Post Chosen barely. Sometimes we need to hear the truth to start the healing.
"Did you forgive him?"
Buffy and Dawn were sitting, cross legged, on the double bed of one of the less worn rooms of the Hyperion. Between them lay the detritus of a midnight chocolate fest. Empty, chocolate rimmed mugs, stood side by side on the bedside cupboard. Clothes lay strewn on the floor and chairs of the room. Destroying a city and saving the world didn't make you any tidier, apparently.
Buffy looked over Dawn's shoulder at the mess that was their room. All things considered, she thought, Angel's crew had done a pretty good job of taking their ragtag little army in, providing food, clothing and medical attention for them. She dropped back onto the pillow behind her and put her hands under her head, looked up at the ceiling, studying the cracks in the plaster.
''It's complicated.''
''Yeah, Buffy. I get that. I mean, I know you guys were doing it like bunnies, you know, before the bathroom, and you weren't happy with it. But I thought, at the end, you both seemed to be in a place that, that was okay.'' Dawn looked down and watched her fingers, as they idly trailed through the pile of wrappers in front of her.
''Dawnie, you know me and emotions. Not mixy.'' She stared hard a the ceiling for a minute, then looked at Dawn. ''It was hard. That whole time after I was, um, after I came back, it was hard to be back.''
''After they pulled you out of heaven, you mean. I was sorry about that. You know. What they did. But, I wasn't sorry to have you back.'' Dawn whispered this, a slight hitch in her voice, on the last sentence.
Buffy sat up again and reached out for her sister, cupping her chin and lifting her head up so that they were eye to eye.
''I know Dawnie, I know.'' She sighed. She really sucked at this whole sharing thing, actually talking about or even knowing, what she was feeling. She needed to give it a go though, for both of them. ''I know I was not okay at first. You know I wasn't. Spike helped me. He, he knew how to talk to me, how to listen without butting in, when I wanted to say stuff. He knew when to just sit with me, hold my hand, sit and say nothing. Didn't ask me how I was all the time, or tell me what I should be feeling, or pretended like everything was like it'd been before. It was good to be with him. It was sort of peaceful. The world stopped being so noisy and bright and hard. He was good. I was just trying, I don't know, trying to feel again, trying to find a way to be alive again.'' She looked into Dawn's eyes. ''I'm sorry I was such a bitch, such a bad sister. I didn't mean to be.''
''Oh, Buffy.'' Tears slipped down Dawn's face. Buffy reached up and used a finger to wipe them away. She leant forward and brushed her lips across her sister's brow.
''Shhh. It's okay, Dawn. I mean, you had so much on your plate and you were just a teenager.''
''I was so selfish, so horrible. An-and the st-stealing and skipping school and everything. I just thought about myself and didn't think about how hard it must have been for you. Everyone was just expecting you to take charge again and do the slaying and saving the world. Like nothing had happened. I, I just wanted my sister back. My family.''
''Listen. Look at me Dawn.'' Buffy held Dawn's chin in her hand and looked into her eyes. A small smile play across her lips. ''You did fine. God, you'd been through so much. Yeah, you mucked up, but you weren't exactly getting a lot of help then, were you?''
Dawn sniffled, swallowed and blew her nose. She looked at her hands twisting the tissue, remembering. A smile played across her lips, widened a little.
''When, when you were gone, um, I spent a lot of time with Spike. He sorta looked after me, you know, when everyone else was busy at school or work or something. Spike would be there. He'd help with homework or read to me, watch tv and we'd talk. About mom, sometimes about you. He really, really liked mom you know.''
''I know. I know mom liked him too. I never understood that really. They spent a bit of time together apparently. Lucky I didn't know, I guess. I probably would've stopped him, threatened to stake him. I know he used to drop by the gallery and then after she got sick, he'd come round to the house when we were out. God, for a vampire, he sure got around during the day without a problem.'' She smiled thinking back on it.
''Yeah, he had the tunnels worked out really well. Sometimes he and mom would be in the kitchen when I got home from school. Just sitting round the kitchen, talking. We'd all have a hot chocolate and they'd both ask about my day. It was nice.''
''With little marshmallows.'' She snorted. ''Geez, he loved to eat. Blooming onions, buffalo wings.''
''Egg rolls dunked in blood.''
''Don't remind me! Ugh.''
''Well, it was his real food. Not like he had a choice. Except about the eating people stuff, of course. It was always so easy to forget he was a vampire.''
''Yeah. It was. That's what made him so dangerous. That was the hardest thing, remembering he was a monster.''
''He stopped being a monster a long time ago, Buffy. I know it was your job to stake vampires, but Spike was different and you wouldn't see it. That summer, he used to come to the house at all hours of the day or night. Sat up with me, watched tv, made sure I ate, took me to things at school. Pretended he was my English cousin. He was so handy with the homework too. He would recite these really long poems, written by old, dead English guys. He was good at history too. He used to add bits in that I couldn't use, because you know, vampire stuff, but I liked it.''
''I didn't realise he spent so much time with you, back then. I didn't really let him talk much, when we were, when we were together. He tried to, but I wouldn't let him. Mostly he stopped trying when, I guess, he realised that I would run off if he did.''
''If it hadn't been for Spike, I don't think I could've ... I mean, Tara was wonderful, she ...'' She paused and looked down at her twisting hands. Buffy hugged her and Dawn sank into her arms. ''It was like having mom back, a bit. She was really caring and knew what to say when things were a bit hard.'' The tears came again, sliding down her face onto Buffy's top. She pushed harder onto her sister's shoulder.
''You've lost so many people, especially for someone so young. I'm so proud of you, Dawn. You're so strong.'' The sisters sat, hugging each other, eyes and noses running, faces flushed, hot with emotion, as they both thought of those they'd lost. Growing up was so much harder than they tell you.
Dawn drew back and snatched another tissue from the box on the bed, amongst the rubbish. She blew her nose, dried her eyes and watched as Buffy did the same.
''I know he didn't have a soul then, but honestly, no-one could have looked after me better and I know he loved me. I was so mad at him when he came back. After he got his soul. I was mad because he hurt you.''
''Xander was wrong to say anything to you about that. And what he told you wasn't the truth. I mean he didn't know what'd happened really. And, and he didn't know how it was with us. What he did, what Spike did, in the bathroom, it was bad. But, the things, things I did, to Spike.'' She drew in a deep breath. ''We were both in a bad place and we were both wrong. When he came back, he was so sorry for what he'd done, said he knew he didn't deserve forgiveness and would never ask for it. So yeah, I did forgive him.''
''I threatened to set him on fire, Buffy. I was mad at him, not just because of what Xander told me.'' She paused. ''He left me. He promised he'd never leave me. After you came back, I hardly ever saw him. I mean, now I know that you two were, you know, and I would've been happy for you. But back then, I didn't have you because you were all like, I don't want to be here. Then Tara moved out. Then, then I lost Spike, to you. He hardly ever came round and you wouldn't let me go to his place. Then, then he just left. He didn't even say goodbye or that he'd be back, or anything. I thought we'd been friends, best friends.'' She burst into tears. Great heaving sobs, bent over her sister's lap, holding her sides as though they would burst.
Buffy held her and felt her own tears sliding down her face, dripping on to her blouse. There was so much about Spike that she didn't know. He'd tried so hard to change. He'd started being a man long before the soul. He'd loved her, loved her mother and her little sister, even when he shouldn't have been able to. He'd done all these things for her and it had taken her so long to see. Too long. He'd died to save them all and give her a new life. She bit back her tears and sister's long hair.
''He loved you, Dawnie. He was sad that you were mad at him, but he understood. He told me he didn't expect anything less from you, after what he'd done. He asked after you all the time those last weeks. I'd see him watching you and he was so proud of you.''
Dawn mumbled something and nodded her head.
''What was that?''
Dawn sat up, drying her face again. ''I'd see him looking at me sometimes. I wanted to say I was sorry. I wanted him to tell me he was still my friend. That he was sorry he left me without a word. I wanted him to call me nibblet or bit or platelet again. I wanted him to hold me like he had over that summer when I cried. I wanted to tell him I didn't mean it, about setting him on fire, that I was proud of what he'd done. But I didn't and he died and now I can't say it. He's left me again and I never got to say goodbye or tell him I love him. He died thinking I hated him.''
''Oh Dawnie. He, he was happy, when,' she sighed, 'when I left him, when he told me to go, he was happy to give himself ... to save us all.''
''He really did love us, Buffy. He loved you so much.''
''I know. I know he did. I didn't see it. Didn't want to see it. Didn't want to feel anything for him. Couldn't. He got his soul. For me.'' She whispered the last words. The thought that someone would do such a thing for her, to be hers. It was overwhelming. To be so loved, it almost hurt to think of it. To be loved like that, even when you hated yourself like she had. He'd saved her long before he'd sacrificed himself for them all. The tears gathered behind her eyes again.
''I love him.'' She whispered. Drawing in a shaking breadth, she smiled at her sister. ''I love him, Dawnie. I, we, um, we held hands, at the end. I felt it, you know. Love. I felt it inside me and I knew, I knew I could love. I knew I loved him. I told him. I told him, I loved him.''
''Oh Buffy.'' Dawn threw her arms around her sister and they hugged each other. Dawn pulled back and looked into her sister's face.
''What did he say?''
Buffy snorted. ''Typical Spike. Told me I didn't and thanked me for saying it. Then told me to get going.'' She licked her lips, thinking. ''He looked at me with such wonder, such love on his face. He knew. Oh Dawnie, he knew I loved him, at last. Like I should have before. He knew and he let me go. He, he made me go. I love him and he's gone. I love him.''
The sisters collapsed into each other, crying for their loss, crying for what could have been, crying for each other. Crying for a vampire who loved them enough to become a man.
…Fin…