I wake up before my alarm goes off, as usual, and stare at the ceiling of my bedroom. The room where I've lived for eighteen years, the room that has witnessed me at my best and at my worst. With a sigh I move to sit on the bed, rubbing the sleep off them, or actually, the lack of it. Sleep is a commodity I'm not used to these days. After a quick bath I put on some clothes and grab my keys. School started over a week ago, finally my senior year. Even though all my life all I ever talked about was getting out of this town and going to see the world, now I don't know. My mom always said I was born a dreamer, always thinking about the crazy adventures I was going to have someday... I guess I don't have the energy anymore. Life beat the fuel out of me.
"Fuck", I mutter to myself. I think too much, that's my problem. Why can't I just stop fucking thinking?
I realize I'm going to be late and go straight to my car. I'm a little relieved that my parents' business trip is getting extended. I received an email from my dad last night, apparently there was an urgent case that needed his undivided attention in Chicago, and he didn't know how long it was going to take. Normally this trips lasted for a few weeks, but lately he and mom have been out of town more often that not. My dad is a lawyer, a very respectful one, you couldn't deny that of Edward Sr. He is very committed to his job, some would say more so than to his own family. And my dear mother, she is always very sweet, yet she avoids any type of confrontation like the plague. That's what I am to her- a plague, hence, all the extended business trips. Her presence isn't really necessary, she is what you'd consider a trophy wife, yet somehow she goes along with my father to every one. At first I was too submerged in my own self-pity to even notice, now, I honestly don't care. I actually prefer it that way, especially now. I like the house to myself, I like the silence, and besides, I'm not a morning person.
The trip to school doesn't take long, everything in this town is close. I park in my usual spot, no one dares park there anymore, and then I spot Tanya walking towards me. We have been going out for a few months now. To me it has never been something serious, yet I know she likes to tell everyone that we are a couple. We never talk about it, I never call her anything other than Tanya, and she never calls me anything other than Edward. The thing is, I do like Tanya. She's pretty and fun to be around, never takes anything too seriously, which is cool. I just don't have it in me to really be in a relationship. Not after everything. I don't think I ever will.
"Hey, what's up?" She says as she comes closer. She gives me a quick peck on the lips and reaches to touch my face, frowning. "Didn't sleep well I take?"
I cock an eyebrow and she drops her hand. "When do I ever?" She is about to say something when I feel someone grab me by my jacket and push me forward.
"Hey ass, care to check your phone once in a while? I was calling you all morning." I turn around and smile at Jasper. He is one of the few people that could talk to me like that and get away with it.
"Sorry dude," I say, reaching for my phone in my back pocket. There, staring back at me are 6 missed calls from Jazz.
He rolls his eyes and throws an exaggerated sigh, "Seriously Edward, sometimes its like you're sleepwalking."
"I'd say its more like he's a zombie," a voice says from behind me. I don't have to turn around to know who it is. "What's with the face Edward? Are you hungry? Are you gonna eat my brain?"
"I don't think there's much of it left Emmett," I say, while Emmett just cracks up. I swear he has to be the happiest person I know. I have the theory that instead of crying, he was born laughing. That must have been quite a scene.
He pats me hard on the back, still grinning, "Aw, come on Eddie, you don't have to be mean."
I groan, "I think you broke one of my ribs," Emmett was huge, all muscle. "And don't call me that." I shove him a little, so as to get my point across. He laughs and throws his hands up in mock surrender.
"Ooh, someone's a little touchy today," Alice says. She arrived when I wasn't paying attention, and even before I see her, I know Rosalie is with her. Those two are inseparable; before they were the inseparable threesome, but know there are only two left.
Damn it, stupid idiot! Stop fucking thinking!
I shake my head a little bit to clear my head, and reach in my pocket for a cigarette. I need one if I want to get through the day.
"Isn't it a little too early to smoke, cousin?" Alice, always the worried one.
Rosalie decides to intervene, "He shouldn't even be doing it. It's a disgusting habit."
I give her a crooked smile and light it up, "Every man needs a bad habit."
"Well hell, I've got more than one," Em says, laughing. Everyone joins in after a second, his laugh is infectious. The bell rings at that precise moment and we all start walking towards the entrance.
Tanya walks besides me and as soon as we reach the hall she loops her arm through mine. I manage to stifle a frustrated sigh. "What class do you have now?" She asks, trying to feign ignorance of all the looks we are getting.
Ever since school started we've been like fucking Angelia Jolie and Brad Pitt. I thought it would wear off, but its been a week and people still stare. I fucking hate staring. I get it that we are considered popular, but Jesus, get a life.
Sometimes I swear it's like I could actually hear them, hear what they are thinking. When I was little I started having this strange episodes where I convinced myself that I could hear what people were thinking. I would go crying to my mom thinking I had gone completely mad, after a while she decided to take me to a psychologist, who assured my mom there was nothing wrong with me. I was just more intuitive than an average kid, and that combined with the active mind of a ten year old was sure to make me freak out. That was enough to calm my mom's fears that her only son was mentally challenged. With time I learned to keep those kinds of things to myself, even though it never really stopped, I just grew accustomed to it. It was exhausting, always analyzing people, without even being aware of it. I could easily read everyone, well, except one person.
As if on cue I lock eyes with Jacob Black, and I don't even have to try to know what he's thinking. It's clear in his hard glare. Fuck you.
I avert my eyes without showing any bit of reaction. He's always trying to provoke me, but in truth, I can't stand to look at him for even more than a second. He's a constant reminder of everything I'm trying to forget. The only one, who like me, can't move on.
I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn to look at Tanya, who looks annoyed, "Are you done ignoring me?"
Not particularly. "I got distracted," I say instead.
"Right," she says, rolling her eyes. "I asked you what class you had now."
I make a quick mental scan. "Biology," I reply.
"I'm off to Physics," she says, even though I didn't ask her. "I'll catch up with you later." With a kiss and a wave she strides off.
I breathe a little sigh of relief, and feel immediately guilty. I wish I could like Tanya more, but I am done trying to make it happen. Maybe she deserves something better, but it looks like she is happy for now, so whatever.
I reach the classroom and sit on the farthest table available, all the way to the back, next to the window. No one should bother me here, I say to myself.
The class starts and everyone shuts up. I look boringly out the window, anything is more interesting than biology. And then it all happens.
I hear a soft knock at the door and then suddenly a bunch of gasps.
I hear stupid Mike Newton all but scream, "What the fuck!"
"Language, Mr. Newton!" The teacher says, apparently as confused as I am with the unexpected outburst, when all of a sudden I hear a quiet voice, one I could recognize anywhere.
"Sorry I'm late, they just gave me my schedule."
I feel my entire body freeze up. I stop breathing all together. I don't really process what's happening, it's like my mind is trying to catch up on the instinctive reaction of my body. I swear the floor starts spinning. I take some calming breaths and force myself to look down. And then the realization hits, like a ton of bricks.
She's here.
The teacher clears his voice, momentarily interrupting my meltdown. "Excuse me, are you new here?"
I hear her chuckle quietly, "Not exactly new," she says, like is the most normal thing in the world to be here. "I'm Bella Swan."
"Ok then Ms. Swan, please go take a seat."
I hear her moving, probably looking for an available seat, and I suddenly realize the only one available is next to me. I don't have time to dwell on this before she's there. Standing next to me. This is the first time I've seen her in over a year.
I look up and make the mistake of looking into her eyes. Those big brown pools, they are a vortex, calling me in. For a moment I feel like I'm drowning. I start to feel a ringing in my ears. Fuck, I'm losing it. And then, just like that, my brain starts functioning, faster than I can comprehend. A million thoughts come rushing into my mind, a million questions. Where were you? Why'd you left? What the fuck happened? What are you doing here?
Is it really you?
I can't stop the barricade of unanswered questions, and when she speaks I almost fall off my chair. "Yes, it's me," she says, giving me a shy smile. And in that moment all I want is to scream at her, because she has no right to just appear here and destroy me, after everything that has happened, with that smile. Because that's all it took to annihilate me, just one fucking smile.
I draw a much needed breath and try to concentrate. I realize I must have spoken my last question out loud and she was answering. I clear my throat and force myself to smile back, "Well well, Bella Swan in the flesh." I respond, leaning back against the chair, breaking out of my stiff pose. "I'm sorry if I seem a little disconcerted, but its been quite a while." As soon as the words come out of my mouth I hate them. I hate the fact that it sounds like I am talking to an acquaintance, a stranger. And suddenly I get it... that's what we are now, strangers. The disappointment that comes with that thought hits me, hard.
She tucks her hair behind her ear, and bites her lip. A nervous habit. From the moment I knew Bella I realized she was a bad liar, the worst. Whenever she tried to lie, she usually touched her hair or bit her lip, and I always caught her on it. She'd laugh about it and joked that she'd always give herself away. I had found it endearing, and right now, I feel a small twitch of excitement over the fact that I recognized that about her. That even though everything was different now, that small thing hadn't changed.
Bella sits next to me, opens her notebook and bends down to look, for what I assume, is a pen.
Without even thinking I offer mine to her, and she smiles at me, at it feels like a fist to the gut. She grabs it hesitantly, "Don't you need it?" She asks, and I almost laugh because there is no fucking way my brain is capable of processing any information right now, especially biology. But of course I don't tell her that, instead I say, "Nah, go ahead, I'll borrow someone else's notes." With that she takes the pen and thanks me.
The teacher starts talking and she takes notes, about everything that comes out of his mouth. Bella was always a good student, all the teachers adored her, and more than one expressed their disappointment that she was with someone like me. I never was the studious type. I spent my classes gazing at her and playing with her hair. She always let me borrow her notes, even though I never did anything with them. I took them for her sake, so she'd think I was going to study them later. I've never failed any class in my life; school wasn't hard, it was just boring. I only did enough to pass, and I think it always bothered her. She was always telling me I had so much potential.
While she scribbles on her notebook I have a chance to really look at her. Her hair is longer, she has it down. Her cheeks are flushed, as they always were, because of the cold. She is sitting with her feet crossed at the ankles. She is wearing black boots, and her nails are black too. She smells exactly the same, and she still is the most heartbreakingly beautiful girl I've ever seen.
Why does she have this effect on me? Why, after all this time?
The longer I stare at her, the faster my heart seems to pound. I turn back to look at the board and something starts to boil up inside me. Anger. Finally. But this isn't the kind of anger I was expecting. It comes closer to frustration, even some helplessness. I have so many things to be angry at her for, yet I seem to have forgotten each and every one of them. I can only think of the fact that even though she's practically killing me right now, I don't seem to have the same effect on her. Not even a bit.
She's writing on her fucking notebook like everything is fucking peachy in the world. And I'm here, about to crawl out of my skin. What the fuck is wrong with me?
I spend the rest of the class contemplating that question, doing the best I can to ignore her. When the bell rings we both stay put. I am too fucking afraid to move, and she is just sitting there. When I turn around I realize she's staring at me. I can't look away.
After what seems like hours she stands up and smiles at me, "You're going to be late," And even though that's the last thing on my mind, I stand up and grab my things. When we reach the door she turns to look at me, clutching her books to her chest, "So I guess I'll see you later."
"Yeah, sure," Is all I can think to answer. She waves goodbye and starts walking towards her next class. The hall is crowded and yet a path opens just for her, like the parting of the Red Sea. Everyone stares at her, and she strides off as if nothing is amiss, like she doesn't have a care in the world.
As soon as I reach my next class my phone starts buzzing. Somehow I'm sure it's because of her. I ignore the weird stares I'm getting and take a seat. I must look like shit, because my teacher asks me twice if I want to go to the nurse. On her third attempt I silence her with a look.
The rest of the day goes by in a blur, I don't have any classes with my friends or with Tanya and for that I'm grateful. I just want to go home and light something on fire. When the bell of my last class before lunch rings, I conjure whatever little strength I have left and head to the cafeteria.
When I open the double doors I spot Jasper and Emmett right away, at our usual table. Their heads are close together, they look deep in conversation. When I get there, though, it stops.
Jasper is the first one to break the silence, "Hey dude, what's up?"
I ignore his question and sit down next to Emmett, who for once, seems at a loss for words.
Jasper appears to catch up on my mood and drops his attempt at making conversation. Jazz has always been good at that, at sensing when he could try talking to me and when I was better left fucking alone. On this case, he wisely chose the latter.
We stay like that for a few minutes when I hear the sound of the double doors opening and then the whole room turns quiet. I can make the sound of her boots as she walks in. I can't see what she's doing, but I guess she's walking towards a table.
She sits about four tables away from us. I look at her and realize that fucking Mike Newton, who is about two tables away, is about to get up and I know he wants to go towards her. I hear the ringing in my ears again and close my eyes.
"Oh, no," Jasper's voice breaks me out my daze and I turn to look at what's got his attention. At first I can't see anything, but then I find her. There, walking with all the determination she can muster, is my little cousin. She walks directly towards Bella's table, and before she reaches it, Bella is already standing up. A surprised look on her face, probably at Alice's apparent purposefulness.
They both come face to face, and I acknowledge the fact that everyone is staring at them. Waiting. But for what?
I don't miss the abrupt change on Alice's face. Determination is suddenly replaced with anger. Jasper seems to notice it too and quickly stands up, but it's too late. Alice already has her hand up. When she strokes Bella I hear a collective gasp, coming from every single person in the cafeteria. I don't look away, even when I see Alice's fingers painted on Bella's cheek. It just seems so surreal to me.
No one moves for what seems like an eternity. Bella just stands there, her arms next to her sides. She didn't even try to stop her. She just stands there, looking at Alice with understanding, like she fucking deserved to be slapped. As soon as Alice starts sobbing Jasper appears next to her, he embraces her and she leans into him.
I bend forward, putting my head in my hands and close my eyes.
I need a fucking cigarette.