A/N: Warnings: Angst, hurt, torture. This is not a happy story. I unfortunately own exactly zero percent of the Harry Potter world; all such rights belong to JK Rowling.
OOO
"Feeling used, but I'm still missing you. And I can't see the end of this. Just wanna feel your kiss against my lips."
She lay in her four-poster bed next to him. They were entwined still, naked and sweaty, catching their breath. She stared at him longingly. Even as she rested next to him, feeling the weight of his limp limbs atop hers, she still missed him. She knew he would leave soon, even as she ran her fingers through his long, black hair.
"I have to go," he murmured, his lips brushing against her pale white skin as he spoke. She sighed, and he tenderly traced the line of her jaw with his slender fingers. She looked away, unable to meet his intense gaze any longer.
Her heart cracked a little more each time he said those words. Yet she allowed him back in her bed whenever he called upon her. She could feel his eyes on her, expecting her to say something. He was always expecting her approval, even though he didn't really want it.
When, after a few long minutes, she refused to look at him or speak to him, he sneered. "Well then," his voice was clipped this time, and he moved beside her, throwing his legs over the edge of the bed and pulling the curtains open. "I'll see you later, I guess." She heard him clothing himself but still didn't respond or acknowledge he'd spoken. He stood at her door for another moment, and she could feel his eyes on her once more. But she still didn't move — to speak or to even look at him.
She was done. Even if he didn't know it yet.
OOO
"And now all this time is passing by, but I still can't seem to tell you why it hurts me every time I see you. Realize how much I need you."
Emma Vanity was exceptional. But one didn't just have to take her word for it. She'd been the captain of Slytherin's quidditch team for four years, and they'd won the last three Quidditch Cups in a row. Emma excelled in classes, particularly transfiguration. She'd earned more O.W.L.s than anyone else in her year. Yes, Emma Vanity was destined for greatness.
Not like that mattered to Severus Snape, though. And for reasons Emma nor her friends would ever understand, his opinion of her was the only one that mattered. It had been two weeks since the last time they'd been together. He'd tried, and for the first time, she'd refused.
Over the last two weeks, she'd watched in the Great Hall as Severus watched Lily Evans. She watched the emotions dancing across his face, shadows quickly following. It made her blood boil in her veins, scorching her insides. Her jaws ached from clenching her teeth — in anger, frustration, grief. She knew she was better than this. She'd stopped talking even to her friends about it because they never failed to tell her so, and she couldn't take it anymore. Emma knew she had to retrain herself, to unlearn her emotional response to Severus Snape.
But as more weeks passed, Emma began to ache. She felt empty inside without Severus in her life, his dark demeanor managing to brighten her days. He matched her in wit, and they helped each other in their classes. They each excelled in their hobbies, and it didn't bother her one bit that his was the dark arts. She saw them as true equals. And it didn't make sense that he didn't see them the same way, that he couldn't see the potential in an arrangement between them. Sure, Evans was pretty, smart, talented. But she was too nice, she was too good. She knew from the moment she'd befriended Severus that his relationship with Lily, be it platonic or otherwise, wouldn't last through Hogwarts. He seemed to be the only one that couldn't see that — or wouldn't see that.
All those years ago, she'd seen Severus in the common room failing at his first year transfiguration assignment. It was the most complex he would study that year, and she would know because she was a second year. Confidently, she'd strolled across the room and sat daintily next to the cute new boy in her house. Emma had firmly grasped his wrist, but her skin was soft, and she felt the gooseflesh rise along his arm. A blush had crept up her neck and into her cheeks. "Like this," she'd said, moving his wrist in the intricate pattern correctly. He'd done it, but neither noticed as they locked eyes. His breath caught in his throat and stole her own from her mouth.
He'd pulled away then, and they'd smiled sheepishly at each other. They didn't touch much after that. Not until he'd called Lily a mudblood in front of everyone. The star-crossed lovers hadn't talked since. It'd only taken Severus a few days before he'd initiated physical contact with her, and she breathed a sigh of relief. Finally. He was coming to his senses, she'd thought. But even after that first time, his first time, he'd left quickly after and refused to treat her as anything more than a friend in public.
It had hurt her at first, but eventually she came to the conclusion that she'd rather have him only in certain ways than not in any way. She could be what he needed. And maybe, just maybe, if she was that for him long enough… then he'd see. Wouldn't he?
No, she thought as she stabbed a piece of scrambled egg with her fork. He'd never look at her the way he looked at Lily Evans. It killed her. And that fact just made her even angrier because she deserved better. And Severus certainly didn't deserve her devotion.
OOO
"I hate you; I love you. I hate that I love you. Don't want to, but I can't put nobody else above you."
Severus Snape was not happy. He watched from afar as Lily laughed with that McKinnon girl. From across the Great Hall, he could see the specific way her eyes caught the light shining in from the large windows. Above all of the sound echoing in the large room, of all the students packed in for dinner, and despite the fact that they were on complete opposite sides of the hall, he could hear quite acutely the unique lilt to her laugh. It made his blood run cold that she could continue on as if nothing happened, as happy as she'd ever been, while he grew angrier and more bitter by the day without her.
Lily Evans had been the lone light in his dark and dreary life. When they'd met even before Hogwarts, she was a safe haven in the midst of his most unfortunate childhood. Without her, he was a shell of his former self. What was worse, amidst all of the love he held for her, he hated her just as deeply. She'd stolen his heart and refused to give it back. He carried the weight of his regret for using the slur against her even a year later — even after as many times as he'd apologized or try to apologize to her. Severus hated for being so perfect and yet so unattainable. But no matter how much time passed since the last time they'd spoken, he couldn't see anyone else as compatible — no matter how hard he tried. His eyes flitted for just a moment to Emma Vanity, and they stared at each other. Emma's jaw was set, and he could see the muscles tightening their as she clenched her teeth. He tried to smile at her, but she glared at him, standing up abruptly and leaving the hall without a word to anyone.
OOO
"I hate you; I love you. I hate that I want you. You want her; you need her. And I'll never be her."
"Wait!" Severus' voice rang out through the hallway, which was empty save for himself and Emma, who was walking away hurriedly. She turned her face and looked at him from over her shoulder. Emma stopped walking, but she didn't turn around fully to face him. "What's your problem lately?" the man asked, disgruntled.
"My problem? My problem?" she whipped around faster than a snitch taking flight. "You're so bloody thick, Severus!"
He threw his hands up in the air in exasperation. "What the fuck are you on about?"
"I see you watching her, Severus," she hissed. "Have I always been just a side piece to you?"
Severus, for what it was worth, looked stung by her accusations. He took a small step back from her. "I love you both."
"Yeah," she scoffed, rolling her eyes dramatically. "You love me, but you're in love with her. The whole school knows it! I was just stupid enough to believe you'd eventually see me," she clutched at herself, balling her emerald green sweater up in her fists. Tears were dangerously close to falling down her cheeks. "I could be everything you need, Severus," she urged.
Snape took a long step toward her, intensely staring into the depths of her soul. She could, despite herself, feel her breath catch in her throat and her heart thudding wildly in her ears. She watched him as he drew even closer to her and softly brushed a lock of her hair behind her ear. Snape tenderly kissed her cheek, and she wondered how many people he'd ever been this comfortable with. She knew the number would be small — maybe just two. "I wish it were that easy," he lamented before stepping away from her once more. "I have to go," he said, looking down at his shoes.
"Don't you always?" she snapped. "Well this time, I'm leaving," Emma sneered before turning on her heel and walking off as quickly as she could without looking like she was running away.
OOO
"I miss you when I can't sleep. Or right after coffee. Or right when I can't eat."
The soft snores of her dorm mates were her lullaby as Emma tossed and turned in her bed. She'd kept her eyes closed as long as she could, hoping pretending to sleep would lead to the actual thing. But she kept thinking about Severus and their fight in the hallway. Had she been too harsh? Had she not been harsh enough?
She groaned as the tempus spell she cast told her it was nearing 4 a.m. She had an exam later in the morning. She had a Quidditch match in the evening. Angrily raking her teeth across her bottom lip, she stared at the dark green curtains surrounding her bed, willing Severus to be on the other side, ready to offer her advice on how to deal with her emotions. But he wouldn't be, and if she were honest with herself, she didn't need him to be. But she wanted him to be there. She always wanted him by her side.
Emma gave up the charade of trying to sleep and made her way through the cold dungeons. She called for a house elf and managed to haggle a cup of coffee for herself. Within minutes she was sitting at a table on the edge of the Common Room, near a large window looking out into the depths of the lake, cupping her hands around the warm mug and blowing gently to cool the steaming liquid. She sighed, taking her books and notes out to revise. Might as well get some work done, she thought, but even advanced charms couldn't keep her mind from Severus.
Without noticing, she found herself staring around the room, and smiling wistfully at all of the places she and Severus had spent time. Emma could see them so clearly, imprints of memories. Twelve-year-old Severus and thirteen-year-old Emma working diligently over her potions notes. Thirteen-year-old Severus storming around angrily over something Potter and his clan had done while a fourteen-year-old Emma tried to calm him. Fourteen-year-old Severus comforting fifteen-year-old Emma when she got the news of her mother's death.
Not much revising got done as she sat in the empty Common Room, so she took her notes with her to the Great Hall for an early breakfast. She was one of only a small handful of students eating so early, but at least it was one meal she didn't end up watch Severus watching Lily.
OOO
"Do you miss me like I miss you? Fucked around and got attached to you. Friends can break your heart too, and I'm always tired but never of you."
A month went by, and Severus was getting restless. It was the longest he'd gone since meeting Emma that they hadn't talked. He wasn't stupid. It wasn't that he took her for granted; he knew exactly what she did for him. She was beautiful and smart, and she understood him like no one else ever could. He didn't want to lose her. He missed her.
He should've never had sex with her, he knew. That's when things changed for them. It's not that he was waiting on Lily Evans. It was just that, well, after knowing her, even the most beautiful woman in the world couldn't compare.
Severus saw his friend withering away. Her face was growing hollow from lack of sleep; she was drinking coffee, which she hated unless she was exhausted; she picked at her food and pushed it around on her plate to make it look like she was eating more, but even when she did manage a bite, her movements were robotic, automatic.
It was strange for him. As he found himself worrying about Emma, he stopped thinking of the infuriating Gryffindor girl that usually haunted every corner of his mind. His heart clenched painfully at the realization. Had he ruined something that could've been beautiful for someone who never was going to care for him and who he was?
He'd spent a long evening working on some extracurricular potions work in Slughorn's office. It was late — or early in the morning — by the time he got back to the Slytherin Common Room. Severus wasn't paying much attention as he mumbled the password and passed through the stone entrance, but he saw movement out of the corner of his eyes and turned sharply to see none other than the object of his thoughts staring at the wall without seeing.
"Emma?" he asked quietly, not wanting to scare her.
She turned her head slowly toward him, recognition written on her face but betraying no other emotions. "Severus," she responded matter-of-factly.
"How, uh," he ran his hand through his hair nervously, "how are you?"
"Oh just peachy," she said, adopting the overly-happy tone of voice reserved only for her step mother.
"Look, I just wanted to say," Severus started as he moved to sit across from her. "I'm sorry. I know things have gotten screwed up with us." Emma looked at him, but he felt as if she saw through him. He reached for her hands, which were daintily placed atop the table between them, but she moved them away before he could. Severus sighed in frustration. He couldn't remember the last time he genuinely apologized to someone. It made him angry that she wouldn't even give him the chance. "Please," he said, and the word felt strange in his mouth. "I wish...I wish things were different. You are an amazing person, a beautiful woman. I wish I could make myself love you."
She searched his face. "It's okay," she murmured finally after moments of silence. "I understand."
He nodded stiffly and stood. "I know there's someone out there for you." The hint of a smile ghosted across her face, and he sighed, knowing that was the best he would get.
OOO
"If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit. I put this real out, but you wouldn't bite that shit. I got these feelings but you never mind that shit."
Emma managed to sleep after her conversation with Severus. She'd felt good, even if she wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing so, that he'd at least admitted he hadn't treated her the way she deserved.
But when she woke up, it was as if her brain had finally processed the words left unsaid in their conversation and the reality of the situation beyond her emotions. He thought she wasn't good enough. She wasn't as good as Lily Evans. When her eyes opened, she saw red. Anger coursed through her, and her hands trembled from the force of it. The wretched fool. She came from a good family; she was smart; she was beautiful. And he put a mudblood before her.
How dare he.
OOO
"Oh, oh, keep it on the low. You're still in love with me, but your friends don't know."
He wasn't paying attention to where he was going when he bumped into Lily, literally. Her books toppled to the ground, and her hands were bracing herself on his chest. It stopped his heart. But he managed to regain control of himself and bent down to pick up the books that had scattered around them.
"Severus," she said, cutting the tension between them.
It was music to his ears, his name on her lips. He looked up at her from the floor and smiled sheepishly. "It's good to see you, Lily."
"Well, you haven't been around much," she responded airily.
He stood, holding her books out. "I've been, uh, busy."
"Emma," she said plainly, and he nodded.
"She's having a rough time."
Lily, unlike the Slytherins he was used to, wore her emotions on her sleeve. She frowned, and her eyebrows knitted together. "Right. Well. It's good to see you."
She moved to step around him, and he moved to speak but stopped himself, not wanting to push his luck. But the look on her face. It made his heart drop to his knees. She was jealous, even if she didn't want to admit it.
As she walked away, she paused once and looked over her shoulder at him. It stole his breath from his lips. She still cared. The small exchange made his heart leap in his chest for the rest of the day.
OOO
"If you wanted me, you would just say so. And if I were you, I would never let me go."
Emma watched Severus from across the table. She tapped her perfectly manicured fingers to the beat of her heart as she saw the love of her life resume his usual staring off into the distance at Lily Evans. He'd gotten better since the time they talked, or so she thought. Something must've changed since he caught her in the Common Room that early morning, and if she were a betting woman she would put all of her inheritance on Lily Evans. That slut.
She just couldn't keep to herself. Not only was James Potter's sickeningly undying affection not enough for her, she had to make sure Severus was trapped in her web of goodness, well and truly trapped.
"He thinks she's still into him," a voice Emma only vaguely recognized through the haze of her anger whispered in her ear, and she snorted.
"Still? Was she really ever?" she asked rhetorically with a roll of her eyes. Evan Rosier snickered at her, and she scowled. "Fuck off, Rosier," she snapped.
He chuckled mockingly. "You know, if you're just lonely — I mean Merlin knows why else you would pine after Snape — I could help you out with that."
She wanted to hex that smug grin right off his repulsive face, but she refrained, flattening her lips into a thin line. Emma narrowed her eyes as anger simmered within her. "If you're not out of my face in the next two seconds, I will hex boils onto your balls and make sure you're not available to help anyone out with anything," her voice was strained as she spoke through gritted teeth.
"You're scary sometimes, ya know," Mulciber leaned in toward her and whispered with revere.
She smiled, truly, at him and winked. "Some might say I'm a catch." But not the one that mattered.
OOO
"I don't mean no harm. I just miss you on my arm. You ever wonder what we could've been?"
"Hey," Snape said casually as he sat down next to Emma at her usual table in the library. She looked up from her notes at him with caution, one sculpted eyebrow raised.
"What can I do for you, Severus?" she asked emotionless.
"I was just checking in on you," he said, affronted by her response. He'd thought they were cool. "The guys said you were a little...snippy this morning."
"Oh, well if the guys say so, it must be true. Couldn't possibly have anything to do with Rosier practically harassing me."
"What the fuck? What did he do?" Snape's voice rose an octave, and she could see his veins dancing beneath the skin of his arm.
"Oh, like it matters," she responded, fighting the urge to scoff at him. "All you care to notice these days is Lily Evans."
Affronted once more, Snape looked at her and grimaced. "What in Salazar's name has gotten into you?" She growled low in her throat. The clueless git. And he held his hands up in surrender. "Hey, hey, Emma, I just came by to check on you and make sure you're ok. I miss you, ya know. I miss how we used to be." She pursed her lips at him in response. "Don't you? Sometimes I wonder what we could have been if...if…"
Emma couldn't take it anymore. She slammed the palms of her hands against the table top, causing the librarian to glare at her. "Are you fucking mental, Severus?" Emma hissed lowly to keep the librarian's attention off them. "Sometimes you wonder? Well isn't that just bloody lovely." Snape's eyes were wide in shock at her response to his nervous musings, his mouth agape.
OOO
"You said you wouldn't, and you fucking did. Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix."
Emma stood, glaring viciously at Snape, and began to gather her things. "You," she stuffed a book into her bag, "insufferable," she grabbed her parchment full of notes and shoved them in behind her book, "twat, Severus Snape. I can't fucking — Have you ever listening to a word I said? Have you ever fucking been in a room with me truly without wishing you were with her? Huh?" She stood tall now, adjusting the grip on her bag. "I fucking love you, Snape, you fucking idiot. You said you'd never hurt me, do you remember? When my mother died?" She couldn't fight the tears that sprung into her eyes, but she could stop them from falling. "You said you'd always be there for me, but you don't actually care about me at all! I'm just someone to keep your fucking bed warm while you wait for Lily Evans to unlock her precious legs."
"Now, Emma," Snape stood as well, and the bench he was sitting on scraped loudly against the ground. "You can be mad at me all you want, but don't bring her into this."
"Oh of course not," her voice was louder now, and she could see the librarian approaching them out of the corner of her eye. "Don't worry about apologizing to me, Severus. Just make sure to stand up for your woman's honor." Emma turned sharply on her heels before she could be scolded by the old witch and before Snape could respond. She rushed out of the library, and she could feel all of the students in the room watching her.
OOO
"Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed. Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing."
Emma sat with her curtains closed around her four poster nursing a glass of firewhiskey she'd smuggled in at the beginning of the year. Her father had taken to drinking after her mother died, but with their wealth, he would never notice one missing bottle. It burned as she drank, but she reveled in the pain. It kept her thoughts at bay, at least for the moment it took for the amber liquid to slide down her throat.
She swirled the liquid around in the glass and watched it catch the light. Had she been too hard on Severus earlier? Maybe she hadn't been as aggressive and obvious with her feelings as she'd thought. Did she give him too much credit? He was a teenage boy, after all. No. Her grip on the glass tightened, and her knuckles whitened from the force.
Emma shook her head violently and peeked through her curtains to make sure the room was empty. Since it was, she threw open the curtains and padded to the bathroom. She turned the knob of the sink and warm water flew freely from the tap. Splashing her face with the water, Emma tried to clear her head.
Hissing at the heat of the water, she turned the sink off and looked up into the mirror. She was pathetic. Snape deserved what she gave him and more. He didn't care about her. If he did, he would've at least bothered to find out how she felt about him before fucking her and leaving her all those times. He cared about Lily. He only had eyes for that sodding Gryffindor. She stared at her reflection — puffy face, red eyes, raw nose. Pathetic. Whore. Emma fell apart and thrust her hand into the glass cracking it. Her reflection split into thousands of pieces as a sob escaped her throat.
OOO
"I know that I control my thoughts, and I should stop reminiscing. But I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings."
Severus Snape only wanted a few things from his life — one of them was to not, under any circumstances, turn out like his parents. His mother had been a brilliant witch. Though it wasn't truly his father's muggleness that ruined his mother, his father did that all the same. He was vicious toward her. He didn't have any other emotions save for anger, no other hobbies but violence. And while he didn't blame his mother for the acts of his father, he simmered bitterly that she couldn't figure out how to leave. She couldn't understand that she — that they both — deserved better.
He saw a bit of his mother in Emma, and it wasn't until her outburst at the library that he realized he was his father in this situation. Though he'd never lay a head on her beautiful head, he didn't have to in order to inflict immense pain.
It made him sick to his stomach to consider that he'd done so with no true understanding of his actions. He'd always calculated everything, but he was blind when it came to Lily Evans — or anything regarding his heart instead of his brain. That could be dangerous.
He didn't want to hurt Emma, but Lily had talked to him again. She'd actually talked to him! She must miss him. Maybe not as much as he missed her but still. He should probably talk to her again. It was at least worth a shot. Maybe they could take a walk by the lake like they used to. Maybe she'd hold his hand. Maybe. Maybe.
It was almost a chant in his head by the time he came across her. As if by magic, she was alone. "Hey," he practically chirped. She smiled, and his heart fluttered. Snape felt his mouth dry up as she neared, still smiling. "How's it going."
"I'm fine," she said, as she stopped in front of him. "You?"
"Fine," he responded cheerfully. "Would you wanna maybe take a walk by the lake later?"
"Severus," Lily sighed, "We're nearly adults. We can be civil, but that doesn't make us friends."
The young Slytherin felt his stomach drop to his feet as she spoke. It wouldn't have been nearly as bad if she weren't looking at him like that. Lily's eyes were full of pity. Little poor boy didn't know his place. He felt the familiar rage and bitterness churn in his stomach. It frothed in his throat now, though, as the feeling so often elicited by enemies was thrust upon him by a friend, by the love of his life.
He was crushed. He could feel his heart crumble to dust in his chest as she stared at him with that useless sympathy. Severus didn't respond. He only sneered, his eyes growing colder the longer they looked at each other. Severus walked away without another word, without even acknowledging that he was ending a conversation. It was done. He was done. His heart may be dismembered, but at least it was no longer a weakness.
When he reached the Slytherin Common Room, he stalked through the dungeons to the boys' dormitories. Severus wasn't interested in frivolous socializing. He didn't care about his homework and revising. His world was crumbling in around him, and he needed privacy. So when he pulled open the curtains of his four poster, the last thing he expected or wanted to see was Emma Vanity sat at the foot of his bed, long legs crossed suggestively underneath her. She stared smugly at him, and her smile only grew more mischievous as she realized how disheveled he was.
"Severus," she said, her voice dripping with honey. It was fitting actually, because, like honey, it was dangerous to attempt cultivating with the bees guarding the sweetness.
He approached her warily, sitting across from her at the head of his bed. "Emma. What can I do for you today? Have you come to yell at me some more? I think I got the hint."
She smiled brightly at him. "I've actually come to extend a hand," Emma said silkily, thrusting her hand into the space between them. "I'd like to start completely over. I'm Emma Vanity."
"Severus Snape," he responded, raising an eyebrow but shaking her hand all the same. He hoped she was being truthful, but with Slytherins one could never be too sure.
One week later
He'd enjoyed relearning to be friends with Emma. She was brilliant and devilish when she wanted to be. It was clear why she was sorted where she was, even if sometimes he thought she would've done better in Ravenclaw.
They'd been studying in the library. He had gone to find a book on the philosophy of transfiguration when Lily found him. Severus stilled when he smelled her before he saw her. She approached carefully, like a broken baby bird might to its mother. "Severus?" she greeted him timidly.
He turned to face her, holding the book he needed, ready to make a quick getaway. "What is it?" he asked, trying to sound uninterested.
"I just wanted to, uhm, wanted to apologize for earlier," she said, gesturing with her hands nervously. "I was a bit, you know, cold, I guess." Lily sighed before continuing. "I know you're sorry for what you said last year, and I should be more understanding of that." Severus blinked in shock but stayed silent as she spoke. "You shouldn't have to change for me, but I can't...I still can't…"
Severus stepped closely toward her, bringing his hand up in the air as if to touch her, but he stilled when he saw Emma approach them from behind Lily. Her eyes blazed with betrayal, and he saw her fists clench and unclench sharply. He moved to step around Lily, but Emma turned from them, stalking away quickly. He could've followed her, but Severus knew she needed time to cool off before he tried.
OOO
"Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance. When love and trust are gone, I guess this is moving on. Everyone I do right does me wrong."
Emma cursed herself for being so stupid. Of course, at first, when she attempted to wipe the slate clean with Severus, she'd been planning to stab him in the back later. But as they regrew their friendship, she'd softened to him. Again. She was such an idiot. Over and over again she fell for him. Even when her resolve was strong to protect herself, she would just go and lay herself bare for him once more.
He was her weakness, and she didn't have time for weaknesses. Emma hated herself for not seeing it sooner. She should've listened to her friends, her teammates, everyone who told her she was wasting her time with that one. She thought, she just thought he could be different, that they could be different.
But Severus Snape was no exception to any rule. He'd probably end up just like his father, she thought bitterly as she stormed into her dorm room and slammed the door behind her. Emma paced along the length of the room to clear her head.
When Severus came to find her later, she wasn't any calmer. This time she was done. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me countless more times, shame on me. This time was for good. He tried to apologize, but she stopped him with a firm hand in the air between them. "Not this time," she said, her voice not betraying the war of emotions raging inside of her. "I'm done, Severus. Leave me alone."
He didn't fight for her, and she knew deep down that one day she would make him regret that decision.
OOO
"I hate you; I love you. I hate that I love you. Don't want to, but I can't put nobody else above you."
Severus strode angrily across the dorms to his, whipping his wand through the air to dissolve the magic he'd cast to allow him into the girls' dorms. He hated Lily Evans. He hated Emma Vanity. He hated himself. There were just too many feelings involved. Two Slytherins and a Gryffindor and enough feelings to usually shut him down immediately. This wasn't him. He was not some hormonal teenager, no better than any flighty little girl waiting for her date outside Madam Pudifoot's.
If Lily were going to steal his heart as a child, the least she owed him was bothering to love him back.
OOO
"All alone I watch you watch her. Like she's the only girl you've ever seen. You don't care; you never did. You don't give a damn about me. Yeah, all alone I watch you watch her. She's the only thing you've ever seen. How is it you'll never notice that you are slowly killing me."
Emma scraped her fork angrily against her plate as she watched Snape. As always, he was staring after Lily Evans. Much to the dismay of the people eating around her, she continued to grate the silver fork against the full platter of food in front of her. The school year was nearly over, and nothing had changed over than her stubbornness. She'd said she was done with Severus, and this time she stuck to her word. He didn't seem to care. He'd only ever have eyes for Lily Evans.
OOO
October 20, 1981
"I hate you; I love you. I hate that I love you. Don't want to, but I can't put nobody else above you."
Severus Snape left the emergency Death Eater meeting feeling proud. The Dark Lord had, in his effervescent wisdom, sought his most trusted advisers to help him decide which boy the prophecy pertained to — the Longbottom boy or the Potter boy.
Severus had felt distraught when he found out the prophecy overheard could envolved Lily Potter. He hadn't spoken to her since their Hogwarts days, but that didn't stop him from thinking about her or dreaming about her.
He couldn't believe he risked his own life to fight in favor of the Longbottom boy. Severus hated that even after all of these years, he couldn't truly rid himself of his feelings for Lily. At least he could mask his anger behind the guise of utmost loyalty to the Dark Lord, but Emma Vanity sat across the table from him and smirked knowingly throughout the long conversation. And it made him weary.
OOO
"I hate you; I love you. I hate that I want you. You want her; you need her. And I'll never be her."
Emma Vanity smiled wickedly as she walked out of the Death Eater meeting side-by-side with Bellatrix Lestrange, who'd taken Emma under her devilish wing after she'd joined the ranks of the Dark Lord. Though Emma had never had anything against muggles or that very proud of her pure blood, she knew an opportunity when she saw one.
It hadn't been easy, but what Slytherin measured ease when it came to good ol' fashioned revenge? Not any of the good ones, anyway.
"Bella, my dear?" she said loudly enough for Severus to hear her, knowing she had him right where she wanted him — thinking he'd won. Bellatrix turned to her, need filling her eyes. "How about we have a little girls' night out, shall we?"
Severus felt a cold wash over him at her words, but he forced himself to think nothing of it. Not even Satan wanted to know what Bellatrix thought was a fun night out. He shivered at the images as he watched them apparate away.
Emma and Bellatrix appeared just outside of the safe house they knew the Longbottoms had taken residence in. A good Death Eater always had a Plan B, after all. Gleefully, they took out the guards and stepped silently within the wards. Bellatrix winked at her companion as they blasted the doors to pieces and forced their way into the house. The baby upstairs began to cry, but the women — who didn't have a nurturing bone left in their body — ignored the little Longbottom in favor for the two parents they quickly disarmed and magically bound.
It was a long but delicious night as they tortured Frank and Alice Longbottom until they couldn't form coherent words. Bellatrix's evil laughter rang throughout the house, joining in the cries of the baby, which hadn't stopped as his parents were cruicio'd to oblivion.
"They're weak," Emma noted, looking at their handiwork with pride. "They don't deserve to have bared the Dark Lord's mortal enemy."
Bellatrix smiled manically. "I've always hated that James Potter."
October 31, 1981
Emma, over the course of the evening, had drunk almost ten cups of coffee by the time she stalked to Godric's Hollow and found a large set of bushes to stake out the Potter's cottage. She'd watched reverently as the Dark Lord had appeared on their street, walking with purpose to rid the world of the only thing that could rid the world of him. She watched from afar as three jets of green light illuminated the house. But she saw nothing else. That is, until Severus Snape appeared at the corner, shrouded in darkness, and walked calmly — much too calmly — up the street, following the same path their Lord had just walked.
Bellatrix had tipped her off that tonight was the night, and she excitedly, but warily, followed Severus from a safe distance into the home. She watched as the potions master showed no emotion stepping over the dead body of James Potter. A simple cloaking charm, the darkness, and Severus' tunnel-vision meant she could follow him up the stairs without being detected.
She watched, a proud smile pulled her lips at the corners, as Snape collapsed to the floor beside Lily's lifeless body. He cradled her in his arms, screaming, and the sound filled Emma with joy, bringing her more ecstasy than fucking this poor excuse for a man ever did. His sobs filled her with life as she took in the scene, making a point to memorize every detail.
That's when she noticed the silent child, still very much alive, standing in his crib across the room. She'd counted three jets of green light.
Emma apparated silently before Severus could notice the boy. She might've won one war, but it looked like she might've lost another. She appeared in Bellatrix's sitting room.
"Bella," she said, "The Dark Lord is gone, and Harry Potter lives."
OOO
A/N: Emma Vanity is actually a canon Slytherin student from this time period, and her Quidditch Captainship is also canon, but that's about all that's known about her. I took some liberties with the attack on Frank and Alice Longbottom, and now I hope I can get this damn song out of my head. lol