It's hard to wake up and determine where you want your life to go, when it's already on a path that has no boundaries or layers for you to change. It's hard to try and change it when no one believes you can change or amount to anything. Apart of his problem was his family. His brother and sisters, have almost given up on him, his mother, well she's just caring enough, but doesn't do much anymore, and well as for Rebecca? She's pretty much turned the tables against him.
Sitting alone at the beach weeping into his hands on a windy and cloudy day, Justin couldn't believe he was falling back to his old self. He couldn't believe he lost the people that he cared about the most, and the only thing that could give him a sense of relief and comfort from the pain that was hitting his heart, was randomness meaning injections off the street. Two years clean down the toilet.
He couldn't understand what he did wrong to his family to make them so bitter and cold, he was helpless at the moment. The stretch between being the full potential young man and the bitterness that was of his cold life had become so far apart but in the last month, with all the heartache and pain he suffered, he hit rock bottom and it didn't feel good.
Justin couldn't make any sense of it. It would just be easy to tell them truth to tell his mother about what happened in Iraq and what had happened when he a child. But he did not want to upset her perfect order of things, nor upset the stability that the family were now adjusting with all the secrets that his father had left, now slowly coming to a close. Kitty was finally moving on from her divorce from Jonathon, having met someone new, Sarah and Joe were happy that they were expecting twins, while Tommy's wine venture with Holly seemed to be making much more profit then he had ever expected, and Kevin finally moving in with Scotty and subletting his apartment to Rebecca after she moved out. Everyone seemed to be having good luck, good fortune and a good life, while Justin was turning into a man with a scorch past to deal with consistently without their help.
He knew he had lot things to make up for, but how could he start when he was hurting so bad? And no one noticed or cared or at least pretended not to care? He missed that sense of closeness that he had with Kitty, she hardly gave him a time of day now. At his 28th Birthday party, no one hardly said a word to him, sat there at the dinner table, just talking about their lives as if the birthday boy hadn't existed since he returned from Iraq. They barely was even noticed when he left the table to go to bed except for Joe's one remark that really gutted him the most as well as the following remark from Sarah that night.
"He's gone. Can we go now?" Joe had stated to Sarah and Nora.
"Oh sure. Let's go. Finally." Sarah had replied in a loud tone as if purposefully she wanted Justin to hear it. "Why do we have to do this for Justin, he's not worth it anymore?"
Justin wiped the tears from his face as he banged his feet onto his surf board, not caring that he had actually done it with such force that it now had a hole in it. "I hate this!" He said silently to himself. "I hate not saying anything. I want to but I can't. Maybe if I die now, it would end the pain."
He looked around him, people were heading off, the cold and bitterness of the weather wasn't really matching people's fun at the beach. He looked at his hands and at the cuts and wounds he had given himself the night before with a knife. For him, it eased the pain of his childhood and what he had experienced and the pain of having to live through Iraq before being injured and discharged from the military. The purple bruise and the excessive of skin pealing from the round around his thumb, sat there, not just to be a reminder for Justin that it easier his pain, but it also a reminder that he's truly on his own.
The voices in his head told him to keep up the excessive harm. It will help make you feel better. Justin thought. Once you don't feel like crap, you'll be right.
Justin's sobs became louder as the dark thoughts of his life returned to his head. With the small kitchen knife in his hand, he jabbed at bits of his arms, flinching at the hatred of the pain. The thoughts inside his head were spinning, the hurt from his past, the hurt that his siblings were afflicting upon him, the break up with Rebecca, all the hurt rolled into one. The pain was there and it wasn't going away. As he cried and looked at the bloody marks left on his hands, he screamed " I hate you!"
Two Police officers who had been watching the young Walker for no longer then five minutes, decided to approach him. One of the officers had a look of worry on her face, as his erratic emotional behaviour had become more aggressive, especially she had seen him self harm with the knife.
"Excuse me?" The young female officer bent down and reached out her hand to touch Justin's shoulder, but he screamed and looked into her face. The red eyes, the red face the sad look in his eyes said it all. There was no spark left in Justin, all had been replaced by the unnecessary evils he had been dealt with.
"Don't touch me!" Justin tried to choke out. He fell onto his bearing his face into his arms.
The young officer said. "What's happened?"
"I can't!" Justin screamed tearfully. "I can't do it!"
"Do what?" The Police woman asked with interest and concern
"Please….Just let me die!" Justin yelled.
From a distance, a crowd was gathering at the top end of the footpath of the beach, among them, Holly Harper was watching with concern and interest. Her eyes widening in shock when she heard Justin's familiar voice.
She pushed her hair from her face as the wind picked up a bit of speed. Her suit jacket also fluttering a bit as she took a step down to get closer to the situation. Although Rebecca dumped Justin and Rebecca proceeded to instruct her mother to not have anything more to do with Justin as she "hated" him now, she still had a soft spot for the young man. He was always direct with her, and not necessarily narcissistic or bitchy like his other siblings, especially the tall and yet controlling Sarah. Although Justin had made it quite clear with her earlier on, that he didn't like her or the affair she had with his father, there was somewhat mutual respect between the two – something that he couldn't establish any more with his own family. Holly thought that was sad, she had witnessed over the last past year, with his relationship with his family destroyed him ,but she had a feeling there was something deep down in Justin that he was burying ,ever since he returned from Iraq. Rebecca had tried to co-ax it out of him, but Holly didn't know. She knew that he would when he was ready on his own terms. Sadly witnessing his break down at the beach wasn't something thatknow one should witness.
As she approached Justin and the officers, she softly called out. "Excuse me, officers?"
Justin barely even registered that it was Holly who's voice he heard, he just didn't register anything given his emotional state as he rocked back and forward when he had sat up.
The other tall male officer approached Holly with a suspicious look. "Do you know this young man?"
"Well yes." Holly said in a matter of a fact tone, getting her back up against the officer's rude and condescending tone.
Justin tried to look up, but the young female officer was trying to get him to calm down and at least speak about where he was from and where they should take him.
"He can come home with me." Holly offered as she knelt down to see Justin's face. When he looked up, she could see the tired, sad and red face. Holly was nearly knocked for six. The young man that she somewhat respected was a complete wreck. The eyes said it all –"Help" – he stared at her, not saying a word, but the face and his eyes said it all.
"He's having some kind of emotional breakdown." The police officer said.
Holly rolled her eyes and and snapped at him. "No, officer, he's happy because he's celebrating his birthday party by himself! Gee you think!?"
"No need to be a smart ass." The female police officer said stepping forward.
"Just let me take him home. I know him, he needs help." Holly said, she tried to help Justin to his feet, she tried to grab one of his hands, the hands in which he had just self-cut himself, but he pulled it away.
"He's been self-cutting himself." The female police officer said. "I really think you should get your son to the hospital to get it looked at."
"He's not my son." Holly said. "My daughter's boyfriend okay?"
"You should at least -." The female police officer started to get angry at her, each time she tried to offer help; Holly just seemed to be itching to bring out a smart ass comment.
Holly stood in front of the officer putting her hands on her hips. "Thank you officer, I will deal with this, how I see fit."
Justin shrieked. "Just get me out of here, take me home, get me out of here!"
Holly watched Justin as he got to his feet, the tears still streaming down his eyes. She picked up his surf board and she watched as he stormed off.
"Looks like I win, bitches." Holly smiled. "Why don't you go save a stray dog or write parking tickets, like the rest of your kind."
The two Police officers stood there in complete shock at the comment Holly just made as she hurried off to follow Justin.
That evening, Nora Walker was in the lounge room with Kitty, making preparations for a formal party later on in the week. They were arguing about whether to serve duck for dinner or chicken mixed with potatoes. Nora wanted to do something different for a change, but Kitty didn't want to hear any of it. Her reasoning was – why mess with success A point that Nora would have argued, but she sort of was right. Things were okay as far as Kitty was concerned, although the divorce with Jonathon was hard, she got through with it , thanks to Sarah and Tommy, but not without the vindictive street of Kevin who felt the need to blame her at every corner. Nora was still missing Justin, they hadn't spoken in months, even when he was here, they never really cared to talk to him, but for her it was nice to see him there but of course there was nothing to be said. They just didn't want to talk to him.
"I just think if we served Duck medallion, it could be you know a step forward in bringing back this family together. At least help Justin still feel a part of this family." Nora said as she took her reading glasses off. "I really hate how the way we've all treated him lately."
Kitty rolled her eyes. "You think serving Duck medallion at this dinner party, is going to solve the issues? I wish it solved my marital problems with Jonathan, but sweet fudge all really can't heal the wounds of this family."
"Probably not. But at least I would think it could start to mend things." Nora said as she looked at the guest list. She had noticed that Kitty had a put big x next to Justin's name."Uh Kitty, why is Justin's name crossed off the list?"
"Oh, I figured he wouldn't show. He's not worth it anymore." Kitty said as she made some notes on the food that they were picking out. "We could always have pasta and…"
"What do you mean that he's 'not worth it'?" Nora asked, with concern and confusion. "He's still my son."
"Let's not go there Ma." Kitty said. "He's just too much high maintenance."
"What? You guys hardly speak to him anymore!" Nora screamed in surprise.
"Well neither do you!" Kitty argued.
"Once a week on the phone." Nora said. "He's not ready to come back here yet, but I think it's time you all started mending bridges with him. He misses you guys."
"Nothing is going to mend that bridge." Kitty sighed. "Unless he really wants to be a part of this family."
"I think we are all to blame after what happened when he got back." Nora gently reminded her daughter. "I'm at fault too you know. I was the one that said 'I wished he was dead'."
Justin and Tommy were having an argument in the kitchen.
"Just because you are back from Iraq and injured, doesn't mean I give a toss about you." Tommy screamed. "You think you can just come back and waltz back in here pretending you're the same guy that you left. That things are still the same, our relationship with you, if we even had one, is still the same. But it's not, so forgive me if I really don't give a flying toss what you experience d in Iraq. Who cares – get over it!"
Justin frowned as he sat on the stool, putting his crutches beside the kitchen bench. "Hey man, I am not expecting anything, except maybe a little help from my family. I'm struggling to deal with what I saw in Iraq I'm trying not to go back on the meds either. I'm trying not to let that experience ruin my life again, and I feel like I'm about to head into that direction, I just need…-"
"You'll get over it." Tommy rudely said as he took a sip of his beer interrupting him. Tommy hated Justin, he took the easy shortcuts in life and believed that the army didn't teach him nothing. His drug addiction, his failed relationships all stemmed from he believed that Justin didn't want to work hard in life. Justin looked defeated and hurt, he wasn't sure what had happened. He had only been away for a few months, before getting injured and now everyone, especially Tommy seemed to have some sort of hatred towards him. It was like as if the whole family had a personality transplant while he was off in Iraq. Justin sighed, I really shouldn't be surprised. He thought. I remember a time when I was in rehab for family day and all they talked about was themselves.
Before Justin had a right of reply Nora walked in the kitchen, obviously hearing the argument from the dining room, where the others were.
"Could you two keep it down!?" Nora hashed angrily. "What are you arguing about?"
"Just asking why everyone is being sitting on ice cold popsicles with me around?" Justin asked calmly. Nora eyed him a look and sighed. "What did I do to you guys?"
"Nothing." Nora said, eyeing Tommy a look. "Just eat your dinner."
Justin shook his head. "I must have done something; you got me eating dinner in here by myself. Away from the family. You and Dad never did that unless we needed a punishment."
He took a sip from his bottle of water giving his mum a begging look of help and understanding of what he had done and what he could do to make it right, but she somewhat avoided that pleading look of his and it cut him deeply.
"And stop bringing Dad up!" Screamed a voice from the dining room entrance. It was Kitty, who had been walking on knife edge around Justin all day and kept making nasty remarks about his home return. Her blonde hair falling over her shoulders, she flicked it back past her shoulder as she stood there beside the bench, her turn to lay into her younger brother. "You're a piece of work you know that? Justin when are you going to realize that we couldn't careless about you at this point? We tried to help you and you ended up back in Iraq and look where that got you!?"
"Hey, I didn't have a choice to go back!" Justin protested and somewhat shocked by Kitty's admission of how she felt about him. He always knew there was something wrong with his relationship with his other siblings, but he thought he had made a brotherly/sisterly connection with Kitty. "Remember I was freaking out when I had to go back, I was lucky to get six months off to recover and spend time and you think that I actually liked serving in Afghanistan and Iraq!"
"Better then being with us apparently!" Kitty mocked. "Played with guns, your friends…"
"Go to hell, Oh my god, I can't believe I am fighting you on this. I have changed! But that doesn't mean I don't love you guys or I forgot about you while I was there! It's hard trying to adjust being back that's all!" Justin screamed at Kitty. "And for the record Kitty, you're the one that talked me into going! With your whole big speech about being afraid from this country after 9/11."
"Whatever!" Kitty rose her hand and put it in front of her and to Justin's face. "Talk to the hand!"
"Oh real mature!" Justin shouted. He slumped back in his seat slamming his hand on the table. He didn't get where all the anger was coming from, maybe everyone was frustrating and finally getting things off their chest – maybe the whole secrets and lies that their father held, finally just imploded internally again and he was bearing the front of it, but deep down he knew that it couldn't have been it. They had a problem and it was obviously him.
Before Justin could reply, Sarah and Kevin followed through into the kitchen.
"What is this? Gang up on me day and you forget to send the memo?" Justin joked trying to ease the tension of the moment between him and his sister, but he could see in their eyes, pure hatred and spite for him and even contempt. He even looked at his mother who just store at him with pure venom, had and anger. He felt that he lead himself into an ambush, an ambush that probably had been a long time coming.
"Why are you back Justin? I mean we know why you're back, but why are you here. We hate you being here." Kevin said. "I mean your obviously don't want to spend any time with us. You obviously have changed."
"Yeah and let's add to the fact that you're not even trying to look for work or getting your life on track." Sarah said as she chopped up some carrots for the second course of dinner. "I mean it's been three months off ready, get over Iraq and get a job like the rest of us, oh that's right – you're a dumb ass drug addict hopeless pathetic excuse of a man. So you're not going too."
"Nicely said." Tommy cheered slamming more beer down his throat.
Nora sat there, her hand covering her mouth on top of her other hand, knowing full well she couldn't say anything to defend Justin from his siblings. Knowing full well that she somewhat agreed with what they were saying about her younger son.
"You think I'm doing this for kicks?" Justin asked shocked, his eyes went wide. "You really think I enjoy being injured, knowing that I won't be able to go back into the military. No I don't enjoy it – I'm struggling with it and I'm sorry if my weakness bores you lot but I don't need you to make me feel bad then I already feel."
"Justin, you don't' realize that we just don't care anymore about you." Sarah viciously attacked. "I don't. I mean sure get your life back on track, but we're done with you. We wished you never came back from Iraq."
"I wished you died over there!" Nora screamed out all over a sudden. Justin and the others turned to look at their mother. Who was standing there, shaking and tears streaming down her cheek. She walked passed Sarah and Kevin to her son. "You being over in Iraq was the best thing you could have done for this family. I wish you never came back – your tearing this family apart by just being here. There is too much to deal with already without everyone fighting about you."
Justin gave his mother a hurt look. His eyes turned from frustration to angriness and then sadness. "If I'm such a bad seed, then why am I sitting here then? Why didn't you just adopt me out when you had me or abort me?"
"Come on that's not fair." Nora cried into her sleeve.
"You know what's not fair? I've done nothing but love this family, through my struggles and in return all I get is how disappointed that you are and how much you hate me for it. I'll make it easier , I'll move out." Justin threatened, tears whelming down his cheeks, still hurting from what his mother had just admitted to him before.
"It would be a good idea." Nora said in tears. "I would like you to go tonight."
"Okay, maybe I think tonight's a bit too soon…" Kitty said, obviously shocked at what her mother had just said. "At least give him time to get some…."
"Oh so you care about what happens to me now do you!? Make up your freaking mind!" Justin screamed as he burst into tears. With that he hoped up from the chair, grabbed his two crutches and tried to storm out of the room. "I'll be out of here within an hour."
Sarah turned to her mother. "Are you okay?"
"It's finally over." Nora said as she store at the walk away where Justin just exited. "I love him, but I can't have him anymore. Now let's chop up the rest of the carrots."
Walker Home
"Don't you have regrets about what happened that night?" Asked Nora to Kitty and Sarah who had just arrived with Joe and the kids. Cooper and Paige had gone into the living room to read some books, Kitty promised to follow in a minute, after she had a word with Nora and Sarah. Joe didn't want to get involved so he followed with the kids.
"Not in the slightest. Truth had to be told." Sarah said. "Although I will admit I think some of the things that were said that night were pretty harsh. The aim was to let him know we don't want to know about his problems and it kind of worked didn't it?"
"He's your brother." Nora said, in a shocking voice. "Look I have been keeping in contact with him… once a week and he's just missing being on part of this family. We had no right to do that to him, not after what he went through."
"We all decided it was for the best so that way his little puppy would leave us alone!" Sarah screamed at her mother throwing a fork onto the floor. "Look I don't care about him, the fact that he went out with Rebecca after finding out she wasn't our sister says most about his character and bad taste of poor judgement and his personality than anything else. I REALLY do wish he died in Iraq."
Nora and Kitty looked at each other. Rebecca hadn't been mentioned for nearly over a year, only Nora knew that Rebecca had dumped Justin and she had known that Justin was cup up about it.
"I am not turning my back on my son, not again. I can't anymore. He needs me. I am worried about him; he's not coping on his own. He doesn't have anyone. He doesn't have Rebecca anymore." Nora shouted. "I listened to you before, to both of you,and that cost me my son, I am not doing that again."
She then stormed out of the kitchen, slamming the back yard door behind her.
"He's not even here physically and is still getting us to argue. I thought the whole point of getting rid of him from our lives was to wipe him completely." Sarah sighed.
"I don't think it's as easier as that anymore. I don't think Mum can see it as black and white anymore. Thinking about it that night, everything happened so fast and cruelly. He did need us. And we let him down." Kitty sighed depressingly. "Mum is right, we let him down. We let her down. We all were wrong. I was wrong. I really messed up."
Sarah looked at Kitty, she could see the tears in her face. "Kitty?"
"I'm sorry Sarah, but Justin is my brother and having this conversation again about what we did to him, I feel guilty, I now feel bad about what we did to him. What we put him through. I miss my little brother." Kitty said through her tears. "Why did we do what we did?"
Sarah walked over to her sister and gave her a hug. Not knowing what to say or do, or what to feel, everything she hated about Justin was confused. That night was hell for everybody, they had simply ambushed him and degraded a man who had just returned from Iraq that week looking for approval and some support and because they were messed up with their own tiny problems, completely wiped him clean. But Sarah rationalized it as they agreed to do this for their good – their fortune and for him. They didn't need him, they had each other and the other money that not even Nora knew about.
Justin was sitting on the couch at Holly Harper's place. He his hand was bandaged and he had just had a shower, He wore a dark blue t-shirt and jeans. He just sat and store Blankley at the wall as Holly made him a cup of coffee.
She watched him as she stirred his coffee cup. Then walked over with his coffee and sat down across from him.
"I'm worried about you." Holly said with concern. "The question is what I tell your family. Your mother?"
"Nothing." Justin quietly said as he sipped his coffee. "Mum and I talk, but I am not telling her – it's them that don't want to know me. They made that perfectly clear a few months ago."
Holly sighed. "Come on Justin, you've been self –cutting or harming yourself. How bad is this problem you're dealing with?"
"I can't go into it." Justin nearly broke into tears as his voice broke. "I can't….."
"Is it to do with what happened in Iraq or partly?" Asked Holly, obviously seeing how uncomfortable and worked up he was now getting with all the questions.
"Please…. I have to go." Justin said as he stood up.
"You can't go back by yourself to your place. I won't allow it." Holly said sternly.
"You're my mother now?" Asked Justin in a mocking tone.
"Seeing you like that on the beach, completely 'broken', it's troublesome. You always seemed so grounded out of your family. Especially out of your brothers and sisters. You can't be on your own tonight; I promised the officers that I would keep an eye on you, so you wouldn't yourself. If you don't' want me to call your mother, I would suggest you do as I say." Holly explained. Amongst her explanation and threat, Justin could sense a bit of caring and maybe a bit of manipulation. Truth be told, he was tired of everything, and tired of arguing, but Holly seemed to be generally reaching out to him and he felt he had owed her somewhat after he avoided a jail cell or a mental institution sign up.
"I can handle that you may not want to talk about it. But I know it's a struggle, and I know it's affecting you, so whatever it is, you can't be on your own tonight. Not until I know that in the morning you're capable of not hurting yourself." Holly continued on. "Okay?"
Justin didn't know what to say, but he nodded anyway. "Thanks, I guess."
"You can sleep in the spare room if you want. Bed's made." Holly suggested.
Justin walked down the hallway and into the spare room and closed the door behind him.
"I'll find out whatever it is your hiding." Holly whispered. "I always do."
Restless and nightmares of his past teenage years haunted Justin in his sleep. Tonight was no different, it was more vivid, richer and he could feel it this time. It was more real this time around and it was preventing him from trying to sleep.
Justin started tossing and turning in the bed. Calling out for help as his hands clutched the beed sheets. Pools of sweat running down from his forehead, onto his bare chest and onto the sheets of the bed, murming the world "Help" countless times, each time it was getting louder.
A young teenage scrawny looking Justin was on his bed. Someone was pinning him down. He was screaming for whatever or whoever to get off him. Whoever had him pinned down to the bed did a good job of it – handcuffing him to the bed beforehand. The figure that was lying on top of him punched Justin in the face.
"Shut up Justin. You don't want your mother to come in here. This is my time with you." The adult figure said.
"Please…" Justin begged as he felt the hands of the figure move around his body. "Please stop this. I beg you."
"Oh come on. It's natural to do this." The figure said as he put his hands around Justin's throat. "Don't resist me."
Justin silently began to cry harder as the figure moved himself up and down all over his body and as the grip around his neck tightened, he could hear the desperate pleasure of the breath of the figure that seemed to be mumbling some words that Justin couldn't quite hear through his tears. He felts something move hard into between his legs. It hurt, and he didn't like this feelings. Was this his fault? He questioned. Did someone punish me for existing? Justin's thoughts were going mad inside that his head of his, as they often do when he's in this moment. Justin thought he would get used to it – he had been doing this with this figure since he was twelve and had began to think that it was almost normal and a part of growing up. But he always had the sneaky suspicion that it wasn't right and it wasn't normal and that something was wrong of him for this trusted family figure to be doing this to him.
When the figure was completed pushing into Justin, He grabbed his own belt and wacked Justin across the face with it., causing excessive pain and excessive silent screams, by putting one hand over his mouth as Justin cried and screamed in fear. Blood trickled down from the cuts that the belt had attributed with such force onto the face.
"That was good. You're so good." The figure said as he then wacked him some more with the belt.
"Please….! Begging you to stop! I can't do this anymore. I can't!" Justin pleaded with all his might. The figure stroked his face.
"I like it when you beg. It gets me fired up." The figure said, he then threw himself back on Justin and kissed him passionately while Justin tried to kick him off. His left arm pounding on the back of the figure.
"Get off, I hate this! I hate you – Why are you doing this to me!? I trusted you!" Justin whispered in pain and anger. The figure stopped kissing Justin and got up from the bed and looked down on him, his rubber mask hiding his true face, but Justin knew deep down who it was. He had suffered all these tortures for the last nine years and he wanted to know why someone in the family would want to hurt him like this. Justin watched as the figure uncuffed him from the bed.
He stood in front of Justin as the nineteen year old teenager sat up on his bed covering his shivering and shaking body.
The figure pulled the mask off.
"As your uncle, it's my job to teach you the cruel parts of life." Saul said in a evil and sinisting grin. His face had the biggest smile showing off his perfect white teeth. Justin burst into tears some more.
Justin woke up screaming. "NO!" He screamed his lungs out, the dream had fallen real and it was not like any other dream. He sat up and continued to scream. It was the memories of the abuse that was causing him to hurt himself, he couldn't handle it anymore. He thought he had it buried. Justin got out of the bed and ran into the wall and begun to bang his head as he screamed at Saul's name followed by a curse word all over again. As he banged his head, the flooding of the memories of being abused by Saul, came back.