~ * Not Enough * ~
A/N: This story was written while listening to the song 'Malo' ('Not Enough') by Yuliya Savicheva. The song is in Russian, so I merely translated the lyrics (the lines written in italics) for the better understanding of what it's all about and where such a plot came from. The songfics are not typical for me but I couldn't restrain from writing this one, it was just too persistent :)
It is raining today; depressing, gray rain. And Usagi's heart too is full of drizzling chilly grayness. The entire world is nothing more than shapeless stains visible through wet drippling of the cold downpour.
She is walking, tightly gripping the umbrella with her little fist; heading to the one who always shares his warmth and his smile with her, to the place where she is always welcome. She is going to the only one who can save her from this gloomy rain inside.
With Mamoru it's warm too. In a different way, but still warm enough. It is just that he's not there for her more often than he is, and the dank drizzle covers her shoulders with a shawl of myriads of cold droplets. Usagi is shivering, and this shiver comes from cold and loneliness.
There are many ships
Sailing across the sea
And on one of them
Take me away
Far away, far away
So that no one could find us
Far away, far away...
Reproaches, blames, the heavy weight of responsibility and duty – drop by drop, the little things gnaw her joy, her shine. And almost nothing left of her cheerfulness.
So she is walking towards the spark of cordial warmth. To the place where someone is happy to see her, where someone offers her a smile. Where she is loved. Let that love be a little bit too open, a tiny bit silly and slightly flaunting, but it is also very true and sincere. She can always feel it. And she always treasures it, anxiously hiding her ardent gratitude for it deep inside.
It is her sanctuary there, her salvation, her fire escape. The happy hearty smile, a cup of hot tea and cozy silence for two. The perfect answer to any rain. Sometimes she wants to stay there forever. With him.
And only once, only us
Will be given a chance to start anew
With heavens cheering for us
Is it not enough?
She will be pulling him, pulling him by his hand – to go somewhere, to watch something, to taste something. Always together. Always holding hands. Because it is extremely important – to feel the warmth and strength of his palm, to feel how tightly his fingers grip hers. To feel that he is not letting go. That he never will. She will never be alone anymore.
She will cup his face with her palms. She will kiss him – his nose, his cheeks – first one, then another. He will screw up his face in a funny cute way… and he will laugh, happily, genuinely. One day she will muster up her courage and kiss him on the lips. Even now Usagi can imagine clearly how insanely happy his eyes will be. Beautiful, bright, of a deep thick blue color. With her reflection in that unfathomable blue depth.
~ * o * ~
Wistful tired gaze
Sad melody
Don't look at me, I won't be able to hold on like this
From now on, it will be only harder without you
Without you
Without you
When Usagi walks into the apartment where she's familiar with every nook and corner, she is greeted with the sound of a song she had never heard before. Every note of it is filled with soft gentle sadness and piercing longing. It is the song of a farewell.
Her heart screams, "Don't leave!", yet her lips let out a careful "Are you leaving for long?"
Seiya nods. Even now, he spares her heart, and the dreadful in its irreversibility "For good" remains in his throat. As a choking bitter lump.
But his nod is enough. The warmth inside Usagi shrivels helplessly and tarnishes.
For good. It is such a… such an impossibly long time. If it's without seeing him.
And the timid, almost pleading "Can you stay?" comes out instead of the "Take me with you".
Her vulnerable sky-blue look tells him she is doomed for loneliness and longing from now on, and he cannot figure if it's for her Mamoru or for him, Seiya.
'Don't look at me like this, my dear heart…'
He can't. Can't wait anymore. Can't be without her. He can't go on like this anymore. And this look of hers, he cannot stand it as well. Even if she begins to hate him after it, he would not do otherwise.
His warm arms surround her, his low quiet "I am sorry" tangles in her golden strands, and their kisses are bitter and salty with her tears.
She doesn't want to let him go, holding on him tightly as on a straw; she grasps at his shoulders with her thin fingers, grips on his shirt with her little fists. Her soundless, imploring "I beg you…!" stays trapped within her heart.
Over and over, with his desperate whisper, with his every thought, with all his heart he keeps repeating, "I won't give you up. Not to him. Not to anyone. I'm not giving you up!" – and she snuggles up against his chest, silent, the feeling of unbearable happiness suddenly washing over her for an instant. His voice is infinitely warm. Especially this precious, long-awaited "Come with me?"
And only once, only us
Will be given a chance to start anew
With heavens cheering for us
Is it not enough?
He will take her with him, take her for him. No one will make her cry anymore. He will show her the unbelievably high starry sky spreading above their heads like an endless blue-black marquee with countless fireflies-stars. He will take her to the place where the warm wind strokes the high grass, murmuring softly, and where the boundless spaciousness smells of flowers and freedom.
He will wipe her tears with his fingertips, he will kiss her palms and her fingers, he will caress the flowing golden cascade of her hair. He will wrap her with his tenderness; he will heal her soul with his love. She will smile again.
He will treasure her most of all. He will love her and thank heavens for her. Every day. Every precious day when she's beside him.
And only once, only us
Will be given a chance to start anew
With heavens cheering for us
Is it not enough?
~ * o * ~
Somewhere in another, parallel universe the eyes are shining brightly. The unfathomable blue and insane happiness fill that look. The warm kiss of the girl he loves the most melts on his lips.
Somewhere in another, parallel universe the two are standing beneath the endless sky full of stars. The warm wind strokes the high grass, murmuring softly, and the air smells of flowers and freedom. And the girl – who is thin and bright and has a cascade of golden hair – is smiling at the one who gave her his love. They are happy.
~ * o * ~
And only once, only us
Will be given a chance to start anew
With heavens cheering for us
Is it not enough?
It is raining today; depressing, gray rain.
Usagi is trudging back home under cold wet jets, gripping the unneeded useless umbrella with her hand.
A lifeless smile is plastered on her lips. She feels empty inside, the warmth has gone for good.
If she had said, "Take me with you"…
If she had asked, "Don't leave"...
If there had come out one tiny "Yes" instead of the right yet tearing a heart into pieces "I am sorry, Seiya, I can't"…
If…
They had a chance. She had always thought it would have been enough. It turned out, it wouldn't.
Not enough.
Not enough.