I'm sorry it's so short! I just had this in my head.. /:
[I use my heart to blame everything on, because I'm too afraid to admit I don't know what the hell I'm feeling.]
I am used to my cold bed and finding your old hair ties underneath my pillows. My heart broke when I found an old script of yours. I should have given it to you. I miss you.
I cry a lot without you, Jade. I'm used to waking up at 2:00 AM to see you writing and then growling and slamming your laptop shut; and then I pretend to sleep while you traced my ribs with your hands. I remember everything about you. I know your favorite color, and the freckles on your lips and I know.
I wish I glowed as bright as the moon which you cupped inside your pale hands, and I guess I never felt this alone before. I guess your smile just lit up my days, and I just didn't noticed. You know when something happens for so long that is so normal, and when it's gone... you miss it. That's you. You're not normal, but I - I acted like it. I was too emotionless with you. Sure; we kissed, sure; we hugged and smiled, but it was an act, because we just did it for others. Not us.
Your lithe body underneath mine... sometimes all I need isn't air, nor water, nor food, it's the feeling of being wanted, and once you told be that I only stayed because you needed me. Maybe it's true.
(But secretly it's because I needed you; your fire, your fights, your jealousy.)
If someone asked me how I was doing, and if they really cared, I would tell them. I would tell them that sometimes, I order the coffee you like, (black with two sugars,) just to feel together. I would cry and say that I miss you so so so so much.
Your dreams were so fragile; and broken. You were broken. I wonder why.
[Sometimes I blame my sadness on my mind, when really it's my heart telling me I have no idea what I'm feeling.]